if there was ever a time i felt more like giving up...it was this. the moment when you realised that you have lost everything including your self dignity it's over. i am done. so done. with everything. it has not gone right for the longest time and for some reason I feel like giving in. Defeat. Admitting it. Fail. Lose. Loser.

I just dont even know anymore. The point of being here. To be tortured. To be able to do nothing right. Everything in my life has gone so wrong. it was just doomed from the beginning, and I am hoping it will come to an end soon. To stop the pain and the hurt and the misery that surrounds me. In everything I do.

I can't manage to get anything right and I am just so sick of it. I just want to dissapear and vanish and end this horrible pain. There is nothing, I am going no where.

I just feel stuck in this one place living in this world that means nothing. What is the point anyway? When no one really needs me, when no one really wants me. Or uses me and casts me aside like I meant nothing. I am nothing anyway. Oh God. the words of a depressed suicidal? No. Merely just the truth, and sometimes the truth needs to put down and said or written. It is true. I've fucked up everything. I have managed to fall for the wrong guys over and over. Nope, still haven't learnt my lesson!

What a fool.

A fool with no money. No real job. No home. No friends. Nothing. A fool that is ugly, stupid and broke! Woah. Never knew it could be this bad. But I guess when you reach the bottom the only way is up right? Wrong.

It has never been up. It has always been worse and worse. It just keeps fucking getting worse!

How much more do I have to sink to rise up? I tried so damned hard to smile and be optimistic about the future. But why the waiting? Why this long. For almost a year I have done nothing. I have no real job. I have no money. I can't do anything without money. It frustrates me so much. I juts want to hurt something. It makes me angry, and why can't I just go get a job? Because I am waiting. Waiting for what? For this fucking transfer to come through.

How can someone's happiness depend on money? Because it enables you to pursue things that require money to make you happy. That's how. No worries about having to pay bills, petrol, for food. Hell, to have a house even. Somewhere to sleep. It's amazing how people think you have all those thing sautomatically. It's funny how perfect you can seem, but yet there is so much shit going on in my life right now, it could be turned into one of those tragic movies.

I just give up! I can't be fucked anymore. In love, in life. In anything. I haven't got money but yet I can't have love either! Hell, what the hell can I have.?

Everything is gone. My self respect, my optimism. It's all fucking gone, and I have bleed dry the tears from my eyes, the string of hope that remained has been cut and I have finally given in and lost all hope altogether. This is the end. This is it. I have officially hung up my hat, and put the white flag up. No more fighting, how can I win this when everything and everyone is against me?

Even the chance of falling in love. When he already has someone. Someone he probably loves already. I probably mean nothing more to him. I am just so over being treated like this. But yet I can't seem to walk away, because if I stay it hurts; but at least I get to see him. If I go it would hurt even more, not knowing if he will come back to me....

This whole thing has taken it's toll. I';m not being selfish, but I help out. $900 I had put into the bank account. and not a single cent went into wht I really wanted. Because we needed it to pay for food and bills...

And I am just getting some damned frustrated because what little I have I can't spend, and it really bothers me. I know that is the most selfish thing, but I have helped. But what has been in it? Why am I even here> I just don't get it. Dont put me in this world to suffer. There are too many people already who do. Hell I know there are even worse off than me, and I may be selfish complaiing, but at the end of the day. Fuck.. who cares anyway right? It's not like someone's going to be listening to me or reading this?? Who would really give a fuck what I think or feel ?

No one.

So I am just going to vent and say what I feel, at least it gets it out of my system.

Fuck. I am so. Done.