When I look back at April, I could remember thinking I was soooo in love with Ash. The first night I met Mark, there was a spark. We both knew it, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought this man would destroy me.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would become obsessed with this man. Never would i think that it would be ok for him to fuck around, even in front of me that I would forgive him.

Nine months down the track and I have realised that boy, I was so wrong.

I sense that the end is coming, and I have to leave anyway. I have finally awoken to find myself a mess. So I was a mess through pretty much the whole thing but yet, I hid the truth from myself. I kept lying and saying it was OK, that he did care about me in some weird fucked up sense. That maybe just maybe he loved me back even?

But after all that time spent convincing myself that he actually cares about me, that it was just the way he is - not taking me out, not buying me anything. (It's not so much buying THINGS, it's the principal of it all!).

Maybe I could be one of those girls who didn't care, who just sleep with someone and not develop emotions. - Who am I kidding, we are onyl human.

I totally confused sex with love... Easy enough to do. Especially because he is - well let me re-phrase CAN BE the sweetest, most caring, affectionate person. And I love that about him. To me there was more, but who knows if he does that with every other girl too!

It sickens me and makes me so sad. I've spent nine months, nearing ten now trying to make him care. Wishing I didn't . Pretending I didn't care. But I do.. Too much, and it hurts way too much.

I've destroyed everything including myself in the process of trying to not care. ANd here I am, woken on this dreary Tuesday horrified at the thought of losing him, when I never had him at all.

Here I am, writing my stupid thoughts down on some dumb internet blog diary site, because it's too much to keep in my head!

I am dreading the next week, hell I am dreading the next hour. I don't know why, but something's changed. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore .

I guess it's a good thing I am leaving. I have to leave. There's no other way. I i stayed, it woul djust hurt even more.