im sick. im tired. ive slept all day. i feel depressed but i wont let it get the best of me. i feel guilty. i took my baby home the other night, then went to Z's. no sex, but other things hapened. i still want to be with him, but i don't. he kisses me from head to toe. he makes me feel wonderful. he says he misses me. in a way i want him. he is perfect in everyway. but i dont want perfect. perfect would be too easy. perfect would be too effortless. perfect would make me bored. but he has a job, a car, a life of success ahead of him. my baby has nothing but a drug problem, lives with his parents, no car. he does have a job though. he is fun. he is exciting. he takes care of me. if it wasnt for him my bills wouldnt be paid. but its not about that, about money. he also makes me happy. i have fun with him. i just dont know. please forgive me. if im not sure i should just end everything with everyone until i am right? i just dont know...
lovin every minute of my life. to be truthful im not sure if i am absolutely loving it as i say i am, but more so i think i am just conent with the way it is. i mean. its a waste of time and energy and life all together to live unhappy. you shouldnt be happy ALL the time, now that is jus unnatural. but majority... lovely. and being beautiful is lovely. not beauty like they portray on t.v., but to be truely beautiful. to love yourself and your body, fuck what everyone else says or thinks. most of all beauty comes from the inside. i know this for a fact... i used to be the ugly duckling, and not to say that i am supermodel beautiful, but im not as ugly as i once was. but the people i knew then now look at me differently, im not sure if i can explain it. actually im done with that subject. im quite random, and have mood swings... frequently. i love my self and my family regardless of how horrible they are. i have no one but myself to lean on. i am 17. i live on my own... well with a roommate, but no parents and whatnot... i love guys, i love sex, i am open, i am honest, i am blunt, and i am a bitch. i think that everyone should live how they want. a lot of people dont agree with the way i handle my life. fuck you and them. dont judge me.
i love kids. i go to school, then watch kids in the evening. i used to be a waitress. well i have a temper at times. the company pissed me off fuck them. i babysit mon-fri now. its not bad. lots of dirty diapers and crying babies. but i am at home and i can clean and get laundry done. the 6 month old i am watching right now is teething. ever taken care of a teething baby. ha ha ha. its hell. but i love it
i have a boyfriend. but that doesnt say much. i love him at times. he takes care of me. but i am also in love with Z. well ok not in love, but in lust i supose. then there is R1 and R2. but R1 is a thug and we used to be benificial friends but that was a while a ago. before i got with my baby. R2 is one i have been off and on with for about 4 years. at the moment he is with his girl, who was once my best friend. i have more friends but i am tired. i have laundry to fold. i need a pack of smokes. but... i have a house full of kids. and at the moment i think my keys are missing. ahh life IS wonderful....
xoxo
new diary.
the old one is done.
i forgot how to make a good page tho.
need a lil help.
xoxo