I can see him now. Finally. Two and a half months to go. We can do it. School is over, thank god. Now it just means more work. blech. farmer's market today. Hooray. not hooray for going by myself. not hooray for friends ditching me. hooray for daddy visiting. hooray for seeing my babe. not hooray for burning my dinner. its been a wishy-washy day. how pointless. I should find my intelligence somewhere, must've dropped it along the way.

bad =( exam tomorrow, totally unprepared work tomorrow night work saturday school piling up missing monster roommate's alarm going off, at 12 in the fucking morning cold weather good =) two earth day celebrations only two weeks of school left good friends new job prospects summer in two weeks plants are growing wonderfully garden to play in talking to monster every day good marks on exams today I miss my monster so much. I love every minute I get to talk to him. I hate that I can't see his face and can only hear his voice. I miss holding his hand and snuggling against him. I miss his arms around me when we sleep. I miss kissing him goodnight. I miss crosswords in the morning. I miss cooking with him. I miss practically everything. But on my lame optimist side-- he's been gone almost three weeks now. That means 2 months and 3 weeks left. I hope...

Feeling: dismal hailey is pretty much miserable. and wants to write a bitch entry. its only been three days but feels like forever. i've never missed someone so much in my life. depressed much? yeah. not wanting to talk, not eating, not wanting to crawl out of bed, not wanting to participate in normal everyday activities. aren't these grounds for antidepressants? he couldn't have left at a worse time. school is piling up on me. work is awful, as always. July can't come fast enough. I don't really know how people do this. I know I can, I love him enough to, but I never thought it would be this hard. four months didn't seem like a long time until he was gone. The worst part is, no visiting can occur. Maybe that'll make it that much better when I see him? A twin sized bed never seemed so big as it does when I sleep in it by myself. I hate to see couples holding hands or kissing. It makes me physically ill. Knowing that I can't do that too; not now anyway. There is nothing I want more than to hold his hand walking down the street, or lean over and peck his cheek. Saying i love you over a text just isn't the same as whispering it in his ear. Oh july, where are you?

i have a boyfriend i love him i'm going to marry him i'm going to love him forever i'm going to live happily ever after

he's wonderful. he treats me better than anyone ever has. he holds me. he kisses me. he fucks me so good. he treats me pretty much as a princess. I'm falling for him. Hard. every night he stays with me I fall harder. I want him. I've lost one thing. My ability to trust. He tells me I'm not a pice of ass. He tells me I mean more to him than that. And I want to believe him. I want to so hard. but i can't.....

there is a possibility I'm falling for this man. not good. not good at all.

i fucked my best friend again last night. and it was the best i've ever had. he drunkenly told me he wanted me. the next sober day i asked him if it was the alcohol talking, and he said no. shit. I love him to death, but I just got out of something. a three year something. I need me time. and to be totally honest, I kind of want to be a whore. but the constant sex is nice.

last night I met up with an old friend. We drank a pint of vodka and polished off a 24 pack. We smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. Last night I fucked my best friend. Today, he bought me coffee. He's taking me to see Avenue Q. He's taking me to sushi tomorrow. He's a great guy. But neither of us want anything. Right?

I drink too much, I smoke too much and sleep too little. but I always have fun. She's killing herself slowly, but at least she's enjoying it.

Is it wrong to want to go back? Is it wrong to wonder how things could have been? I found myself going through some entries. I miss it. It may not have lasted long. But it was a good short while. A very good short while. So good that I'd like to go back and re-live it. Or have it happen again? Never, says logic. But can't she dream? Maybe I just need that experience again. The butterflies, the whispers, the smiles. To feel on top of the world. To feel like you are always wanted, to always have someone to go to. To have a hand a hold and lips to lock. Perhaps that means its time for a change. Seems like my life is a constant change. if only it were change for good.

i want to be in love again. I pretend I can be independent, but deep down I know I want someone to hold. I know I have a tendency to get depressed during the winter, but I didn't expect it to happen this early. Perhaps its the excessive time I've spent laying down, not getting out of the house. To my credit, I had a fucking ovary removed. Think that'll fuck with my hormones much? Hope not, cause they get out of control as it is. One day I'd like to be over this. I know I have things to do today. Well, should try to do things today. I need to be able to drive to work tomorrow. But, all I want to do is lay in the damn chair and stare at the computer screen. No desire to eat, no desire to talk, no desire for anything. Sometimes I myself.

shit hit the fan tonight. Hard. And it makes me want to throw up.

fucking hates this

nothing is there. no thoughts. no feelings. just empty space. yet, i can feel everything. love, hate, want, desire, sorrow, desolation. I don't know how to control them all. My head over flows, my heart throbs, my body trembles, my stomach hurls. I need comfort. I need to be held. I'm afraid of what will happen. What is happening? Tears come to my eyes in fear. She feels so alone. She is helpless. She needs someone to rescue her, a hero. She knows who she wants, she also knows that she can't have him. That makes her worse. The only one she wants to save her won't. What will happen to her if she can't be saved? Can she last this night alone? Will something more powerful than her own will take over? Her body convulses on the bed, won't someone hold her. The tears stream down her face, won't someone wipe them away. Her lungs struggle to keep air, won't someone calm her down. Why is she like this? I don't know why I like him so much. I have freedom, why is my heart set? Or is it set? Maybe it just wants someone to hold. But why is it choosing him so much over the others? Perhaps its because I've slept next to him for two nights and nothing has happened. I shouldn't expect anything to happen, after all, who am I? She wants to force him into her arms. She wants him in her life. She needs him there. She will try her hardest to get him there. I know its best to back off, but I can't. I want to smother him. I got very jealous the last two nights. I did take solace in knowing that he didn't touch her though. He will belong to her. He will belong to her. He will belong to her. Maybe I just need to get fucked. Maybe she just needs to get fucked.

I smoke too much. I drink too much. I love too much. I hate too much. So this boy that told me he doesn't like me. I think he is in love with my friend. Which hurts. She doesn't think so. And I don't think she likes him, which is good news for me. Not really... nothing will happen. My ovaries hurt. They are controlling my thoughts. Nothing I say can be used against me, they aren't my thoughts.

I miss having a hand to hold (not like we did that very often anyway). Its nice to have lots of different men to have crushes on and flirt with. But sometimes, I just want to feel needed. It can be hard being independent. I don't need a man to occupy my time, but want someone there to make me feel special once in a while. I need a bed warmer. Guy said he'd bring me out to California. I must be doing something right if he wants to pay for me to visit after only seeing me once. Nate is fantastic. I drunkenly told him I had a crush on him. His reply wasn't what I wanted to hear. Yet, he keeps going? If you don't really want a relationship why are you acting like you do? Tyler is a cool kid. We kinda did things backwards though. Met, made out, slept in his bed, then talked about relationships. All within two days. Hah. Whatever. Whenever I get this way, all I really need is a one-night stand. Makes me feel better usually. Fucking men, why do we need them so badly? I guess its kind of hard to get fucked if you don't have them. They have to be good for something, might as well be for fucking. I love my diary. I used to be careful about what I put in it. I didn't want some people to read things. But fuck it, its mine. If people don't want to see what it says then they shouldn't read it. I was hesitant about this entry, how high school do I sound talking about men? haha. But should I care? no =)

She has so much to say, but no way to let it out intelligibly. There are many thoughts buzzing around her tired skull, fluttering around like fireflies. Lighting up to make her remember, just to fade away. She needs her creativity back. When there is no where to go, nothing to do, a way to release. Self-destruction is inevitable. Be it a slow, winding deterioration, or shower of knives, one day she will fall. If only she can find that escape. To slip away where only she will be. And be she will. escape..

apparently all the girls want him. poo. guess I'll have to step it up a notch.

the boy I want to kiss has swine flu. I need to back off. Learn to pace myself. good things come with time ya know? have a long weekend. likely won't be doing anything with it. working saturday and sunday. i sure need a social life....

I thought moving back in with my parents would help me save money. I'm poorer now that I was living in Logan. But on a higher note, I still have a crush on a boy. I know him now, we've talked. Its nice. I feel rather lame that on a friday night I didn't go out with any friends or on dates or anything, but rather, drank wine with my parents and their friends. Isn't being 21 about having fun and making your own friends? Tonight is a bit of a downer, maybe I should drink more....