I'm sitting on my bed watching the Shawshank Redemption, it's one of my favourite movies. I've found that a lot of people love it. I guess it's because it's a story of eternal hope. And also because it is so masterfully told. Hope is something that I need right now. I was reluctant to write this entry, because I was scared of what people would think of me. But, if I can't be honest in my diary, where can I be myself? Right? I went out last night with my friends. One of my mates is turning 20 on Monday. Something happened, something that has haunted my life for the last few years. Sometimes when I go out in social situations I get really nervous. I can feel it slowly building up inside of me. My stomach starts churning, I break out in a cold sweat, I feel sick and I can't concentrate on anything except my escalating panic. Once this feeling begins, I can't stop it... it just continues to grow. Eventually I have to excuse myself and quickly run to the bathroom... and well, I'm sure you can guess the rest. Well, as I said, it happened again last night. I could feel it building up inside me. I tried to ignore it. I tried to suppress it. But it just didn't work. Finally I excused myself... but I didn't quite make it to the bathroom. it was very embarrassing. But the bar staff were very nice, and it was quickly taken care of. After that I couldn't enjoy the rest of the night. I felt so conscious that all my friends would be able to tell what had happened... but fortunately none of them seemed to notice. And no one visited the bathroom after me. I am getting so sick of this routine. It seems to be getting worse with the years as well. The sickness used to only occur when a guy became 'romantically' interested in me... but now it's occuring when I'm just out with mates for a drink. I'm going to get help. I'm planning on visiting the consellor when I return to university. It's free. From what I've read on the internet, it sounds like I might have a Social Anxiety Disorder. But I know it's not the best idea to try and diagnose yourself. All I know is that I can't keep living like this. A life without social intimacy, a life without strong friendships, a life without love... is no life that I want to lead. Through ebbing tides and beads of rain, my heart it fails to sleep. The monster in my head it roars, and holds me in it's keep.