I have been screwing with the background. Just to let my future self know that. Cos nobody else reads this. =)

Well, Um. I'm sad. Haha! YES! After about a month and a half of complete happiness, I'm back to being a sad person! It lasted longer than I thought it would. Obviously, me and happiness, aren't too friendly. =/ Anyways, when I'm depressed I write things that don't make sense to me. But usually they make sense to others. And I wrote something! I really really don't understand it. It's about a revolution...Anarchy, which somehow brings it back to Ryan. Ehhhhh, fuck it. I don't know.. And naked seas of turbulence Come rushing thru the breeze No one is stirring Except for despair Those who seek it Aren't far off But willing to take a burden To live a life without emotion To sacrifice love for laughter To sacrifice the truth for empty lies Emptiness, it encircles all How long will we fight it, Before we're miserably beaten down.? It's close now, Really close. In a flash, we could be gone Before you know it, We really will be. Don't display emotions Or you'll be expunged from the earth The world is changing, Don't you see it? Not much of old still is And what is left isn't enough. Lies are everywhere, Liars are lurking, forever seeking Weakness. They're tired of waiting, Tired of slipping out between the known and the unknown They're really to take a chance To give up all they have for a difference. A revolution. A deciding factor in today's world. To change the course of history Would be most honourable to them; Heroes they would become. Terrible or mighty. Young or old. They will rejoice for it It will happen. Anarchy will procede any other Act of government. And if freedom shall allow it Become one of the worlds' finest. With a cause, with a choice Life is on the brink of destruction. You're hour of enlightenment is upon you. Make a decision to change the world, Or make a tempt to keep the history repeating itself. We're bound to be getting into World War III soon, So just start the revolution early. Start the celebration early. You might not life to tell the rest But at least your children can say you were there You helped start it all You, WERE the revolution. You fought for yourself, for your rights For other peoples' rights. You didn't care whether or not people liked you; Wanted to go out with a bang, didn't you? Well, needless to say, You did the job fairly well. Not needed to say, Revolution and Anarchy, to seperate things, Will remain two split subjects Until the time is right To do what people say is impossible To collect enough people, To demolish. To burn. To criticize the world for it's actions. Oh, it's a gift. It'll happen. Wind whispers in the darkness. Lights flicker through-out the world. You're time has come. Victory in the face of darkness; Or shame, You decide. Just don't turn your back on me. Maybe you could help me with it??? Please

Well, it's like 12:45 am. June 14, 2006. I am trying to write a short story/poem-like thing. I used to write them during last summer. Guess what, I CAN'T WRITE for shit. Obviously, I've been way to happy. Last summer, I was still a very fucked up kid. Dammit. I write EXCELLENT work when I'm sad and depressed and miserable. Yes, that hasn't happened since like...April..? Maybe...? FUCK. I needed to go a small ranting. Not a large one... My mind/heart is off somewhere else. Obviously thinking about Ryan. xoxox I loveee him.

Well, I'm an idiot...and I let Ryan read my other diary. Yes. STUPID ME!!! And ya know, I don't know if he's going to continue reading it...and I don't know what to put in there... But I like that one better than this one because that one is more up to date about my life. Oh, I have a Boyfriend. His name is Ryan. He's the same guy I've been talking about for the longest time. We've been together since May 4, 2006 sawweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett. x3 I'm seriously in love. ***************** And oh yeah, happy 6/6/6!!!!!!

I HAVE A NEW DIARY. WELL, IT ISN'T THAT NEW. BUT NEW ENOUGH. IT IS CALLED ANARCHY99 AND IT'S WONDERFUL. AND IT TALKS ABOUT RYAN. WHOM I LOVE MUCHO. AND YES, A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I WROTE IN THIS. A fUCKING lOT. TIMES A BAJILLION. MKAY? YES.

Well, an update seems to be in order. Kelly broke up with Ryan. Ryan seemed interested in me... I ask him if he likes me ... He told me that he only wants to be friends And us being together doesn't seem like the right thing right now. Whatever. I'll get him.. soon x3 I really *heart* him. And he knows it. ------ On a happier note, I'm hanging out with Brian && Harmony today in Honesdale. Which shall be rad as hell! I haven't seen Brian since he movied =( and I don't hang out with Harmony much. && Eric is probably going, so I can hang out with him tooo!!! It's gonna be soooo fucking rad. ...But then I have to go to work...which will be quite a fucking bummer. And I have to tell my boss that I can't come in next weekend cos I'm going to Virginia. Gosh, I'm supposed to be meeting brian & harmony at 12.30, it is 12.00...I haven't showered yet...or anything. It takes 30 minutes to get to Honesdale. FUCK. Well, I got Dave Matthews Band tickets today. They're alright. Not tooo terrible. I can't wait...JULY 5, 2006. JULY 5, 2006 JULY 5, 2006 heart!

Well guess what! I'M STILL GROUNDED! OMFGEE! I really wish my parents would lighten up a bit. Ryan doesn't know what to do, and Brianne is interpretting (sp??) that as if he wants to stay with Kelly or break up with her...and well, be with me. Cos it's wayyy too fucking obvious that he likes me. He could be just trying to lead me on, but he's not like that. I'm going to see Narnia tomorrow, most likely by myself...and I wished he lived closer to Callicoon...so, I could invite him. My friends, like they barely talk to me, which is a good thing cos I really have nothing to say. Oh well. I'm aquiring more and more new friends. Like a lot of them. And I don't know, I hardly talk to some of my old ones. But I'm not going to be like "I only talk to Honesdale people now" like Signe. Oh whatever. I'm a confused buttmunch!

Well, I'm still grounded. And nothing important in life has happened. Ryan is still with Kelly. I'm still not doing too awesome at school. hmmmmm... yeah.. Life pretty much sucks right now.

Well, I've been grounded since the 10th cos of bad grades. =( Oh well. But I did write each day!! January 10, 2006 Well, today was one of those "I don't give a shit" days. 1st period sucked. 2nd period was blahhhh. 3rd was boring. 4th we watched Shindler's List. 5th went to library took shitty test. Finished test. Tried to leave. Librarian took test cos I was with Brianne & Ari. I skipped lunch with Ari and went to the photography room. 6th period, I did a survey. & talked to Ryan. His middle name is James. =) & I found out that him & Kelly are still going out =( And then Erin always comes over to talk to us...and then I never finish talking to Ryan. I told him about SPAS, and how he's a "panda" & that he's cute (but he doesn't believe that part) Then Mrs. Snyder moved me. :( ...for talking tooo much to Ryan. & 7th period sucked. Then, on the bus, my friend Sean sat with me. And I asked him how much he liked me cos it was wayyy obvious that he does. He was like "on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say a 9." Which sucks. For him. January 11, 2006 CONVO::: Ryan:Nobody loves me. me:I love you. Ryan:Only in my dreams. :) And he's a VERY honest person, so he's not lying. Anywhos, I gotta see him after 1st and we talked. And then his friend Robert came up && Ryan just kept talking to me...And he waited for me cos I walk slower than he does. :) & During 4th period, while watching that movie, we kept looking at each other. & After history, I went with him up to his locker even tho I had to go to the 1st floor. I really love English (more) now cos I have Ryan there. & I love to talk to him...look at him...smell his hair...yeah. ANOTHER CONVO::: Ryan:I can't wait till summer. me:But then you won't see me till 11th grade. Ryan:I'll have a car by then. I'll come up to see you everyday. me:Promise? Ryan:I promise. Of course it won't happen. January 12, 2006 Well today during History, I sat behind Peter and diagonally from Ryan. && Ryan moved his desk back to sit by me instead of with his friend. Then during English, I asked Mrs. Snyder if I could say "stupider" (cos she has this policy that if you say stupid, you have to write an apology note) And she was like "sounds like an apology note to me" I convinced her out of making me do that...and she made this deal with me. If I didn't talk to Ryan, I wouldn't have to write one...but if I started talking to him, I'd have to write one. Guess what!!! I WROTE ONE! and I got moved. YESTERDAY I was in a shitty mood. Like the whole day. There was a battle of the bands concert last night. I couldn't go. WHY!! Cos I had to be a little fuckhead and work. And all my friends were going. And Ryan mighta been going. And Tommy & his band were playing. And The Foxxy Morons were playing. And after English, Ryan was like "what's wrong?" ...he knows me oh so well...even tho we only met this school year. =( Stupid stupid STUPID work. today: I am finally allowed on the computer. I still haven't called Ryan and he gave me his number....like on Monday. :( Oh well. I have an hour and a half till work. I get my party tip from the 23rd tonight...if I go talk to Joe. I get paid tonight. That's life. Pretty much.

To say that I am proud of myself, would be an understatment. I'm fucking overly joyous. WHY?? I got Ryan's phone number!!!! Teehee! ... Will I acutally pick up the nerve to call him??? Why, nope. Not really. Oh well. I called him a panda today. I'm thinking of letting him know about SPAS. I mean SPAS is like the only thing that got me liking him in the first place. Ahhhhh. I wanna talk to him. Anywhos, today is Justin's birthday. Which means I have to call him later on tonight and wish him a happy 16th. Good thing, I haven't heard that kid's voice in forever. To live life, is to love it. SO, I guess I'm living it.

iT WAS CALLED YELLOW. Coldplay is amazing. Work sucked. It was soo frikkin slow. And I only worked for 9 hours this weekend. But I did get like $78 ? or something. So that's alright. I can't remove him from my head. Jeremy is supposed to be having Matt and Tom over to spend the night. It's 1.45 am. I don't think they'll be popping up anytime soon. I wish I could talk to Ryan right now. I do need to tell this boy about how I feel for him. I'm torturing myself. I might look for him tomorrow in the phone book. I need to hear his voice. We really don't listen to the same music. He's wayyyy more into punk stuff then I'm ever gonna be. But...things can change. If we can hang out and such. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm driving myself crazy over Ryan. I can't wait till Monday. Yes, that's saying I want to have school. But not for the school. For English. And for History. Those 2 subjects that I getta see him in. And for lunch, cos I see him there too. Maybe my love is too strong for him. I can't doubt myself now though. If I do, and then we go out, I'll end up not liking him. And that's the ONE THING right now that CANNOT happen in my life. I don't want him, I need him.

Well, life. I seem to be enjoying it very much. Yesterday, that was a good day...Wednesday wasn't because Ryan wasn't there. But anyway, every time we see each other in the halls and stuff we always start talking to eachother. And yesterday, he didn't have him vocabulary book, so he came back to me...and we pretty much just talked the whole time. I have fun with him. Being with him. Talking to him. I told him that he looks good cos he was thinking of cutting his hair. And he told me that NOBODY has ever said that to him, not even his girlfriend. So, he pretty much knows that he means a lot to me. Then today, I got to miss 4th, 5th, and 6th periods because International Club went down to Lakeside School to talk to 3rd graders about "Christmas around the world"... I did Austria. & met a lot of awesome kids. :) But anyway, it was quite sad cos both classes that I have with Ryan, I missed. But anyways, on my way to mentor meetings, who do I see??? RYAN! And then, I didn't see him after that...and I didn't see him after 1st...but then, after 2nd, OMFG, there he is again. So, we talked a bit more...but he was going to the second floor and I was going to the 3rd, so it really sucked. I woulda went with him, to his classroom, but I had a test in Geometry. Anyways, then I went to eat A lunch ; highly unusual cos I'm used to C lunch. Anyways...I sat with Rothwell, Chapola, and Sean...and most of the gang from club. Then we went and spent 2 hours with the 3rd graders. Which was sooo FUCKING awesome... But I almost swore...like 5 times. :( Oh well. Then when we got in, right when me, Ari, and Lindy are walking up the stairs, there's Ryan, again. And he said something like "welcome back." And then, after 7th period (which was the period we got back during) I had to run and get my guitar from out of the office...and BOOM, there he is again. So, I talked to him, again. And he was like "How were the little midgets?" :) Ahhhh, I love to talk to him. Anywho, I think he knows that I like him. A lot. And him & Kelly are having problems. He doesn't think she even likes him...so I don't understand why he's even going out with her. Ahhhhhhhh, yes. Love. I love the feeling. I love the guy. I'm addicted to the smell of his hair. I could get high off of it. I truly have never felt this way about any guy. Not Chris, Not Willy. I'm content with it too. :) Happiness is key. And so is he.

Well, I'm a bit late. But New Year's was alright. I made $138 at work. So that's pretty kickass. 2005 was an alright year for me. Best day of that year: June 22 ... and why???? DAVE MATTHEWS BAND AT MONTAGE MOUNTAIN, SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA. THE BEST FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. & everything else was just blahhhh... I made a lotta good friends. Yeah. Whatever. that's all...sorry.

Thrusday I went to Lindy's around 3-ish. Then we watched part of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then we went to the Middletown Mall, ate dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. Then saw The Family Stone. Which was a really funny movie and I recommend people to go see that. (I personally hate comedy...but that one was good.) We got back to Lindy's at maybe 11-ish, I don't really know. And we watched the rest of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then we watched Legally Blonde...for some reason, I love that movie. And then we watched Edward Scissorhands. & I think Lindy had already fallen asleep but I went to sleep at 3. Friday Got up at 11-ish maybe. Went to Deanna's restaurant for lunch. I got to see Deanna...whom I've missed so fucking much. And then we went back to Lindy's. I got picked up at 3 by Jeremy. I took a shower. Got mad at people. (Cos I'm oh-so-good at it!) Then I went to work at 5.30 and got back at 10.30. I called my friend Chris at 11 talked to him until like 10 after midnight. So, I gotta sing him "Happy Birthday" and everything. I miss talking to him. But somehow he makes me feel like shit when I talk to him on the phone. But I miss him being my friend. And I know he's probably going out with this chick that goes to my school. But like...gosh. I don't fucking know. TODAY Well it's around 4. I have to be at work at 5. That fucking sucks, so fucking much. I don't wanna go to work. Especially tonight. We're gonna be so fucking busy and Jerm isn't working at this restaurant tonight. He's working at Tick-Tocks. Stupid idiot. I wish he was working with me. I love working with Mary-Beth...but Mary is just a pain in the ass sometimes. But I think she was a wee bit proud of me last night cos I actually kept up with the damn dishes. This is gonna be a nightmare. Oh well. I called this place. To like donate money to all the dogs that get tested on. And they told me I had to be fucking 18 years or older. It made me really, really sad. So, I told them I'd call back in 2 years. :) Yeah, I'm nice. Peace & love. My parents come home today. School on Monday. UGH. I don't fucking want it!

Today = lazy! I woke up at like 11:40 which is quite late, but oh well. And I didn't really do anything. I read this really awesome book called The Second Generation, it's part of the DragonLance series. Then I cleaned 2 small parts of my room! After that, I came out at like 3-ish, ate breakfast...and started watching some of a Dave Matthews Band concert that I got my rents for Christmas. Then, that got over and I put in Green Day: Bullet In A Bible that is THE most awesome show in the world. Everybody should go buy it cos it's soo insane. Billie Joe Armstrong has an immense amount of energy. And it shows how anti-american and anti-war they are. AND I FUCKING LOVE THAT! Yeah, it's highly recommended. * Tomorrow I getta spend the night at Lindy's! I'm so fucking excited! Then again, it's only happening cos my rents are going to upstate New York for a wedding. And I guess they don't want me in a "party house" or whatever. :) I can't Wait! :) Until whenever, I love you all. Peace!

The fact that I started crying while watching Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith today is weird. I think it's quite pathetic. But for anybody who needs a movie to watch, I highly recommend that one. And that is what I did, less than 15 minutes ago! Yeah, I'm that cool. Earlier I blasted music, which I am still doing, cos I am awesome. And I'm still listening to music. I get happy when my rents aren't home. I getta do like anything I want. If love is a labor, I'll slave till the end. Peace. Love. And all of the above.

I did the most awesomest thing today. I gave myself a mohawk. It wasn't the greatest. I only got half of it up. I can't wait till school is out. I've decided to truly cut my hair a wee bit shorter, and get myself the mohawk that I've been wanting for 16 long years. :) Yes, life is good. When it wants to be. Music = life. And since most music is pretty awesome, life shall be pretty awesome.