i don't even know where to begin. i am absolutley crushed. i've recently recieved some information about a sister i have and wow. i am seriously floored. im so depressed about it i can't eat. i don't think i will ever look at her the same again. i am angry. i feel hurt and betrayed. i don't know what to do. i am so mad at her that tears come to my eyes when i think about her. i hope i am wrong. i dont' know what to do. i would have given the world for her but sadly this changes it. shes fucking 16 for gods sake what the fuck is she thinking. she is going to fuck her whole life up. goddamit. i guess the thing that pisses me off is that i couldnt be there to supervise. i fucking hate her for doing it. she better fucking call me and explain herself.
how do you heal a REAL broken heart. you weren't supposed to hurt me.
so im starting this thing over. give it a go. put i am annoyed cause i can't get it too look nice like i want it to.
anyways things are alright. i really like living here. i don't really want to go home this summer. i kinda feel alone because i haven't made many friends here. like i dunno. its really wierd. i am starting this journal over because i want to forget all the other stuff i wrote about that stupid kid. just stupid high school stuff.
today emily got free cold stone ice cream i was so jealous. but i was also really happy for her.
her bf is always here and i kinda get annoyed. cause its like i dunno i just want to be alone sometimes and he seems to always be here. it might be just me though. im kinda crabby lately.
her friend madison is giving her a massage. i wish i had friends to give me a massage.
heres one thing i don't understand. what is everyone's obsession with dating?? i mean ive come to realize that i am so young. like there are so many things that i need to experience. dating is for people who want to get married. boys are dumb.
this whole ian situation kinda sucks.
also, everyone is so depressed. i just wish everyone would quite feeling sorry for themselves and just i don't get it. i mean yeah i get sad but not depressed ya know. its sorta, sad. i understand depression but sometimes its hard to tell the diverence between real depressed people and the fakers.
all i feel like doing is writing but i have nothing to really say. JESSICA guess what. i bet you are skinnier than i am now. i have gotten fat.
i miss my sister. im glad im at college because then i miss her and i like not fighting with her. she is an awesome girl. and she doesn't need no stinky boyfriend.
boys only want sex and thats bad. sex=babies.
my birthday was a lot of fun. i got a snow board. its so super cool i love it very much. emily and i are gonna go look at snow board boots at ski hut soon. maybe there will be some on sale and i might have to tap into some saved up money to get some. you CAN'T not have your own snowboard equipment if you live here. its like a law.
friggin randy moss got traded today. what a dick. i am going to try to quit swearing.
mergin. leave me some comments lovers!
see the fire in your eyes.
HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT. TOMORROW I WILL FLY TOMORROW I WILL DANCE WITH ANGELS. KISS ME AS YOU SAY GOODNIGHT AND NEVER LEAVE MY SIDE TOMORROW I WILL DANCE WITH ANGELS.
so spring break is next week. i am gonna go to kansas to see ian. its about an 11 hour drive. WOO. yeah so hopefully i don't die. kinda sad that i am not going home but at the same time i will have easter break in 2.5 weeks. so i will be home then.
i think i found a place to live for next semester. its in a house .:) whateve.
im outti .
so ok i can't be a layer because i can't count and if you want to know what i am talking about check out my entry names....
ok so this song kicks ass...
anyways. i miss ian. very much. and i hate online diaries because they are so stupid. but i am doing it anyways because i want to learn to be honest with people and open up and let them know what i feel.
i miss ian. everyday. increasingly more. long distance is very hard. and it can work if you want it to. but that doesnt mean it is easy. if a relationship can do long distance then everything else should be easy. thats how i see it anyways.
i also need to lose weight. deal with it people. i am overweight and i am gonna talk about it. i want to weigh 125. thats my ideal weight. i want to get back into running. its been a hard year for me but i need to come back i need to wake the old me up. i need to be motivated i need ... i need ian.
bitch plz...
well i was realizing a little bit ago that i have had a sit diary for over 3 years. but my sister has more entries then me. maybe i should stop clearin them all and starting over. i am trying really hard not to do this one over.
life is too boring to write about. but ill try. right now i am at work. i work about 30 hours a week and go to school full time. i have two jobs. and i play on the varsity soccer team. i run the IM soccer league and help out with the other IM's.
i am going to be an accountant when i grow up and i hope to work in internal accounting or be a fraud investigator. another possibility is being a lawyer but seeings as i can't even spell thats prolly not going to happen.
i have met the person i will more than likely be with the rest of my life. his name is ian and we have been dating for over a year. he used to go to school here but he graduated last spring. he is 23 years old. he lives in kansas right now and the distance thing really really sucks. but i love him. he is prolly going to get this kick ass job in new york. but that is even farther away. but he will make more and fly me out to see him :) so that is prolly where i will live when i get outta school.
i have two years left and it is two too many. i can't wait to graduate and start a real life. right now is supposed to be a fun time in life. and it is. but i want to start making something of myself. i would say that i am a typical person that wants typical thing. i am very predictable. but i dont' think that is a bad thing. i am unique in my own way at least as far as my personaliity goes.
whateve. i guess i have more to say but i should go back to work. blah blah blah. no one reads this anyways
don't take my words as creed...
i am waiting for someone to go to supper with me. i am almost done with this semester. 6 days and i am home! i can't wait. it is going to be the best vacation ever. i think. um i am super cold. i have a wierd feeling in my stomache and it is driving me nuts. kinda like a nervous anxious type thing. annoying annoying annoying.
ian is in las vegas right now. what a punk ass bitch. ha
two weeks till school vacation. i am very excited about that. i want to go home. i can't wait for break. i get to spend the whole time with the love of my life. i am so curious as to what he got me this year. he spent a lot of money on it. well 90 dollars which i feel like is a lot of money.
i hope i pass all of my classes. thats all.
don't you ever fucking touch me like that again. i don't care how much you like me. im not your girlfriend and i never will be. i can't believe you kept doing it when i pushed you away. i wasn't being playful i wanted you to leave me alone. i guess this means we aren't friends because i will never be more than that with you.
well i guess comming home was one big mistake. this house is discusting. no one will do anything but everyone complains. prime example, father is sitting around and yells at us to do the dishes so he can watch tv. why can't he do the dishes?? would it kill him?
im also dissapointed in you. i know you can be great. but you are so stuborn and you dont' listen. i want to help you but you just treat me like shit. i ask for you help because i figure you out of all people could understand what its like to live here. but i am wrong and you join their rankings and just sit around.
you piss me off when your only defense is fuck you. you can't even come up with something better than that. you piss me off so bad when you act like you are so great. you are the one person who sets off my temper the most. when i was at school i thought and worried about you the whole time. i come home and you could care less. i never yell at anyone the way i yell at you. i hate the way you make me feel.
i hope someday you will stop being so stubborn and start respecting me. because you don't and IT KILLS ME. you don't even know how much you HURT ME.
whatever. im done. im going to go back to not caring about my family. im going to go back to the destructive life i was living. perhaps i should just drop outta school. maybe ill go back to drinking. at least then the pain was numb. and to think i quit drinking because i wanted to be a good sister. haha what a joke. im a failure. fuck me. and fuck the world.
well my first year in college is comming to an end. next week is finals. then i am running my half marathon and comming home. i will be back in town on the 23 of may everybody! then i will waste my summer away running and working at the beaches. hopefully.
i don't really have any friends left in my hometown. but i don't really care at the same time. i dunno. i don't need friends really. i just need my family and ian and well thats what i have right now and im happy with it.
im going to try to update more on here but i usually just don't have much to say.
g.miller comes home in June. i am so excited to see her.
yesterday it felt like my heart was ripped outta my chest. my beautiful baby sister was crying. she was so upset. i just don't understand people. why are they mean to her? she is such a great person and she cares so much for everyone, even people she doesn't like. i know this because she tells me everything. but gosh she was so upset yesterday.
after prom she called me to pick her up and i started yelling and swearing at her cause i had just come from prom. and then she like got disconnected and i called back and she was CRYING. NO. SHE WAS BALLING HER EYES OUT. i felt SOO bad. but she said it wasn't cause of me. so i raced myself over to that school to save my little baby.
when i got there i held her in my arms and i tried to make her feel better. i LISTENED to how she felt and why. it wasn't cause i yelled at her that she was crying. she was scared that no one had a ride. and none of her so called "FRIENDS" would give her one.
i just want my baby to be happy. and it absolutly kills me inside to know that there are people out there who can make her cry like that. seriously. the whole night my heart was breaking. she is only 15 this is supposed to be the time of her life. her friends are supposed to be there for her. listen to her and CARE about what she says.
she is a good person. gosh i love her so much. and i hope she knows that. i wish that i was younger and we could have been friends in school. that would have been awesome. i wish i didn't have to leave on sunday. i don't want to leave her here alone.
i guess willmar has changed. its not the frienldly place it used to be. kids are drinking a lot and doing a lot of drugs. having sex. WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH HAVING A BOYFRIEND???? i just don't get it.
anyways. i just wanted to write about the pain in my chest because of last night.
and jessica, don't ever hesitate to call me to talk ok? im sorry i missed your phone call last time though.