repeat it, ill repeat it One way you want to bring me down is bring my past up why did you have to do that why did i have to sit there why did i have to hold back my sobs it was hard you knew i was going to cry how could you just sit there you and your friend and just pound on me with words 9 to 5 9 to 5 i needed to cry and i didnt its gonna build up again its gonna hurt when will it end? itll never end. its hard when you boyfriend says things that ive done...and then doesnt trust me. HE DOESNT FUCKING TRUST ME. ive never done a thing wrong to him NEVER. please emotions come out...now...not later when i cant control myself

I am in the painting mood. I have to work on my water color painting cause its due friday. but i thought that i should write an entry for once. i spent today with my boyfriend. it was good. then at the end his friends came over... all three of them sat at the computer and played games... i sat on the couch and waited. i think like 2 hours went by and not a word was said to me. this is why i do not like video games. stevens mom came down and said she was gonna take me home now...me and steven got in the car and started toward my house. he said he was sorry for ignoring me for so long...and i acted like it wasnt a big deal. i cannot stay mad at that kid. but yeah...today was good. i need to paint though...

i cant keep up anymore. im so lazy soccer is good kinda tired this entry sucks.

SORE SORE SORE SORE i am sore. exhausted. forget what the doctor said. (the distance between us will rupture) now its too late

There is something coming over me. i need help. ive needed help. I have to force myself to not to cry to be happy. I dont think i can do it much longer. im scared, nervous, anxious. I want help..i need help. but, its hard. I love Thursday. FUCK

soccer is killing me. tired tired tired tired. i want sleep i need sleep but i need to eat ice cream first. But i would rather have TACOS...since thats my favorite thing to eat you know JW

tell me. please just sit there and tell me. am i greedy? am i a bitch? Do I make him feel horrible? i wanted to spend the day with him. JUST HIM. thats all i wanted. i call him..ask him if anybody is there with him...i told him before hand it was gonna be just me and him. his friend aaron is over there..knowing him...he will never leave. so i told him..im not going. is that bad? im now about to go out with my friends. my boyfriend of 4 months still has pictures of this girl sarah in colorado that he loves on myspace...so i went to her myspace and looked at her picture comments, and january 29th, last month he told her "i love you sarah" i freak out too easily yes? am i a bitch?

i hurt so bad. soccer is killing me i can barely walk and i have to run 2 miles tomorrow scary. my relationship has seemed better since i have joined soccer. maybe i was spending too much time with my boyfriend..things seem good now. im gonna hang out with him on saturday. which will be good. i need to make sure i am passing all my classes...because if i find out that i did all of this for nothing..ill be pretty darn upset. anyways..bed for me. yay. night

I have made a decision to play soccer this year. even if i suck. just to stay active and stuff. im skinny..but im lazy..which isnt good. but yeah i went to school hung out with steven ate subway planted elephant ears and ended my day. but i need to write my paper but i forgot to turn it innnn. oooooops. but i have til tomorrow morning tomorrow to do it. ill get it done. i have no other choice..if i want to join soccer. thats about it.

i want to be with him somedays. others i dont. he wants to be with 24/7. hes very clingy. im not really into that. he wanted me to hang out with him all day today i ignored him...but the more i ignore him...the more he wants to be with me. i still want to be with him. but part of me doesnt. fuck. were tiling our kitchen and putting some hard wood down in the living room and hallway. its gonna be nice.

i miss my boyfriend. i havent spent time with my friends all weekend i need to get away i got my eyes tested i need reading glasses i guess at least i wont have to wear them all the time did i say i miss my boyfriend? i feel like i treat him like crap. sometimes i dont even want to be with him but have no guts to want to break up. i dont want to have him sometimes...but i still cannot leave him. maybe its cause im stressed maybe its cause im a horrible gf. i dont really even feel that much attracted to him anymore..i use too..i use to always want to be with him badly...when he didnt even know me. but now that i got him...i dont really want him anymore. but yet im still in love with him. hes the only guy that actually makes me feel good about myself. hes still in love with some girl in cali though. pisses me off. i dont really say anything...i want him to know that it pisses me off. but i shouldnt be talking. i still want to be with my ex too. and he lives here in mo. eep. im getting back into the hang of this again...writing every day. i usually forget about this place. but i need to write..makes everything a little better dont you agree? i watched star wars III today. its a wonderful movie...i watch it all the time.

well i just got a good cry...but ive had better id like to say. i couldnt really let all of it out cause i had to force myself to stop cause my dad. i didnt want them to think i was weak...need seem strong and carefree. my dad is just yelling at me. i didnt do anything. was on my way to help my mom after her eye surgery..and i call my dad and told him my friends were dropping me off...then he started yelling at me saying why dont you just stay with your friends...i was like...but..im already on my way home. went home. got more fucking shit from him. then he apologized. i dont know. i wish i was with my boyfriend. even though...im really not that interesting in him anymore...but i cant break up with him. i just cant. i want too, but i dont want too. so its all confusing. hes away for this weekend...so i wont be seeing him til monday..which is fine. i wish i was somebody. i hate being alone...but what i hate more is being home.

yesterday, i dont know why i was so sad. but i was. today i spent time with my close friend though so i feel much better. but now that im home, i feel it all coming back. i just think that maybe i should talk to somebody, because its getting ridculus. i need to do something.

school = no fun school = good grades..for once dresden dolls seem to make me happy today..not many things have done that today. serves you right for kissing little girls

well i made a bad decision. and did something i shouldnt have done. my entire body was numb i felt no pain and i had no personality i was emotionless and my boyfriend thought i was mad at him...until i told him what i had done...he was relieved...cause he thought i was gonna break up with him he told me...that i shouldnt have done what i did...and that it made him sad that "a pretty little girl whos boyfriend is in love with her would hurt herself" it made my insomnia worse and gave me really bad stomach pains and it made my heart beat fast PS DRUGS ARE BAD

im sorta...upset in a way my boy pretty much wanted me gone today..not around..i hope he doesnt want to take a break already..cause i mean..if he does that..ill be pretty upset..cause i havent done anything. im just gonna wait it out..see what happens pretty much. good thing he cant read this...he doesnt even know i have one of these...good thinggggg even his mother said how rude it was...but whatever.. maybe im just in a bad mood tonight or something i hope he doesnt want to hang out tomorrow, cause i dont think i want too sorta upset...need to be with my wifey lauren fear before makes me so happy maybe i am just thinking the wrong thing and its not even what he thinks? idk.

i have possesion all over my mind tonight. its such a wonderous thing to think of. being taken over by demons...crazy dont ask why i am thinking about it im trying to keep up with this thing...but there is nothing exciting about this thing anymore. i could always re-decorate it..and write everyday..but i barely get comments anymore hint hint ive been with my boyfriend for 6 weeks now..i really like him. i think me and him will be together for a while. i was over at his house the other day..and well..i have hickies on my neck...and i dont know how to hide them or cover them up. i dont think my parents have noticed yet...ive been wearing turtle necks and stuff..ive tried cover up...but it sucks. any suggestions? my dog is hilarious..he is sleeping in the wierdest position i have ever seen..i cant explain it really..you just have to see it..haha its great..hes so cuteeeee my wifey got her license, its pretty wonderful..we get to drive around without parents behind us the entire time. yayyyyyy you scratched my CD! you picked it up in broad daylight and you scratched it! bye loves

my boyfriend [who i have been with for almost 6 weeks now...this sunday] wants me to spend new years with him. of course, i have no problem with that at all. except, hes going to spend it with his family...and he wants me to go. his ENTIRE family. i will be a mess, i cant be around big groups of people i dont know...because...i feel very insecure and nervous. im terrified..so i will probably back out of it. im a horrible girlfriend. but i dont want to meet his entire family...cause..they will notice that im not talking and put the spot light on me and i hate it when that happens. terrifying. me + backingout = safety so i think im just gonna have some friends over for new years, it should be good. me + cassie + lauren + DDR = LMFAO it will be interesting we will be falling on our asses im gonna try and get steven to come over here..but i dont want him to ditch his family for me..cause i would feel like a Beeotch. hm. what do you think?

im sick today. sadly. it sucks my body is trembling and weak my parents are being parents and making eat...but im not hungry. but im happy they made me eat, cause i feel alot better...but im still sick. plus of the vitamin pills they made me take. i didnt get to hang out with my boi today. i havent kept track of how long i have been going out with him but i think i wrote down when he asked me out on here.. so thats good. got to go, i have a headache bye

i just watched king kong it was pretty good i watched it with my lovely steven and his family at the movies exciting eh? they are such nice people. i bought steven a FFTL hoodie, its hellcute. he bought THE BLED shirt and THE USED poster hes adorable and makes me happy i still have to paint my father a picture for christmas...damnit. ill do it tomorrow...but i have no clue what to make him. i lost track of how long ive been with steven...hmm...lol <3jen