I have a new outlook on life and I realized that I need to live for myself and not for others and I wouldn't of been able to see this if it weren't for the wonderful perfect amazing girl I know. so, here it goes I know it's going to be better for me I need to be independant instead of using other people like drugs. I feel better even though I just lost a friend I don't know, it's for the better it's good for both of us and I don't know, it probably wont change him but I know it's going to make me a better person. I know I'm going to be better and feel better and that's what everyone needs nobody deserves to feel the way I did depending on someone to make you happy wont make you happy and I'm glad I realized this. and I feel great. this weekend I felt infinate

IF you ever read this; I’d like you to go back and read andthestoryis, I’d like you to read every entry and don’t skip a word. Try and remember exactly how you felt as you read the entry. I can’t help this. I don’t know what I want, is it you who I want so badly? How come I’m not happy with him, why is it you that I long for? Why is it you that hurts me so much? Can you answer any of this? I don’t know what I want anymore, I don’t think I really know anything right now. Why does it hurt so much to think of last year? Why does it make me want to die? Why is all of this suddenly making me feel suicidal? Why am I so happy every time I see you smile, yet half dead every time I see you frown? Why is it that I base my life on the next time I see you, is what emotion I’m going to end up being till I see you again? Someone help me Someone fix me All I know is I hurt. I can’t stop thinking about last year. I can’t stop thinking of all the good, and then all the bad. I can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop thinking about you You… Why am I hoping just to wake up? 8 months, January = 9 Kill me now.

I’m ruined. Everything I’ve done has been for someone who wont fight for me, and no one can live under these conditions, especially me. A suicide attempt has left me empty and hollow realizing that I need to get over this, otherwise I will die under the influence of what I thought was love. I can’t say I haven’t enjoyed the year and some that he brought me, but in the end it is making me an emotional wreck. I often wish that I could go back, and not have played “spin the bottle” and I wish I would have just blew off going to the movies with Catie, Patrick, and Stephanie. It’s funny how something so little can happen, and change you so much. In the past year I felt many things that I never thought that I would feel. I never thought I would feel what Hollywood productions make out to be love. I didn’t think that I could be hurt so much just because a boy cheated on me, I didn’t think I could almost die because of simple words. I didn’t think it worked like this, and I didn’t think that I would have been such an easy lover. I’m a pushover, you can step all over me, and I wont fight back. I’m defenseless, like a little child. I’m nothing more than your average teenager. It’s so silly how someone as young as thirteen can think they felt what fairytales are made out to be. Is there really a happy ending? Will I ever have my Cinderella ending? If only things could be that easy, to be able to trust someone and be in a long relationship. After this, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to trust someone with my feelings ever again. I don’t even tell my new boyfriend anything. In a month I will be fifteen, hopefully I have matured. I think I like The Butterfly Effect so much just because there wasn’t really that “happy ending” that most movies have. I don’t know, It gave me a feeling no other movie has really gave me. Winter is here, and even though I love the feeling of Christmas, right after that, things get really bad, especially in February. I’m hoping this year will be different, but for the past 6 years winter has meant nothing except trouble and heartache. I’m thinking about deleting everything, except by doing that, I wouldn’t know how to start off new, I don’t think I would even be able to.

today wasn't good at all. I hope it gets better. god, I really do.

boys never fucking notice anything.

I sort of... over-reacted.

"i still love you Colby, i want you to know I never stopped caring; and I will always love you." he said that a while ago. like 6 months ago I guess. right after he broke up with me. and, I can't stop this. I can't stop wanting this to just be a dream and I can't stop wondering if anything will happen again' and I can't stop thinking about him or how there used to be an us and how he said he would always love me, but now he's so close to almost hating me and all I ever wanted, was to be loved. that's all. I'll give you all the love I have, if you just love me again. Dying slowly, Colby

I really do. I fucking hate you You’re nothing but a liar, and then you go and call me fake. I hate you, and I wish I never met you. The only reason why I still talk to you or even still like you is because I keep thinking maybe he’ll be like how he was, maybe he will be the Greg I used to know. And Taylor and I were just talking about this today, and she said he’s not going to be cool again, and that I should just give up, and I think I should too. I’m sick of waiting for nothing to happen. I’m sick of your fucking lies, and I’m sick of hearing what you do now. You’ve turned into what you used to hate. This might seem harsh, but it’s the truth, and I think you know it. But of course you’re going to deny it and you’re going to write an evil entry or write a mean comment saying how bad of a person I am, when I’m not at all. Greg, I hope you change back to how you used to be, and I hope that you realize how horrible you are, if you already haven’t. This entry isn’t meant to hurt anyone, to tell the truth, I could care less about what you think about it. Along with every other entry I have wrote. I don’t know what started this, and I don’t know why you felt like you had to lie to me. I don’t get why you had to promise things you knew you could never keep, but you did it. And I don’t know why you’re like this, or why you’re mean to me, and I don’t see how you can put up with yourself. I don’t see how this started, and I’m afraid to find out. There’s a side of me that just wants to say everything and then there’s another side that just says keep it in, you’ll regret it in the end. And I don’t know what one to do. Everyone felt sorry for you at first, and then we got to know the real you, and how everything could just be a lie, and how none of us believe you now, or what you had said to make us sorry for you in the beginning. Tara said you’re the fakest person she knows, and I couldn’t agree with her more. I hate to say it, but that entry that made you sooo mad and upset I still believe it. I still believe that you could have lied, along with everyone else. And to tell the truth, if everyone didn’t keep telling me about how they didn’t believe you, I would probably be drowning in your lies right now. Thank god I am not. Things could be worse. Things could be better. it's too bad things didn't end up like we lied they would. it's too bad you knew it wouldn't ever be true and you lied saying they would it's too bad I was the one who got hurt in the end it's too bad I'm stuck in this tornado of lies and pain and hurt and discompfort it's too bad we fight too much it's too bad it took this long for me to realize how horrible you really are it's too bad I blamed everything on me it's too bad things have to hurt when you know what you have to do it's too bad I'm crying it's too bad that we wasted all this time on nothing it's too bad you're not who I thought you were it's too bad I'm not who you thought I was it's too bad we had to change it's too bad we never stayed the same it's too bad you lied it's too bad that you're a liar it's too bad that you lied it's too fucking bad that you're a liar I hope this isn't a mistake but right now...it feels like the right thing to do. I'm burning the box full of our past I tore your pictures of my wall along with everyone elses maybe now, I can start off new.

I'm so sick of liars. I'm not much of a liar, I haven't lied in this diary except for my name, age, and sex. and those aren't much of lies, are they? sorry this has took so long. I'm not fake, and this diary isn't fake. Everything I have wrote about is true, and has happened, and are real feelings. like you haven't faked a name boys are really getting on my nerves. make up your fucking mind of who you are and what you are.

I finished Hard Love. Although it was really good, after I finished reading it, I didn't feel complete. I don't know, it's hard to explain; hopefully you know what I mean. anyway, homecoming = tomorrow. I am so excited. I don't know what to wear. sorry, there's not much to really say. [i haven't talked to greg for a week and 2 days]

Things are really getting better. and I'm finally feeling okay again. I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the second time last week, and now I'm almost done with Hard Love, which is actually different from what I thought it would be like. [I like it alot] Homecoming is Friday and I'm going with Alex. Ralph was going to ask me [or atleast, this is what LeeAnn told me], but then he asked his parents, and they were going out of town on homecoming, but that's okay because I wouldn't have been able to anyway, but still, it would be nice to hear him ask me. I'm really feeling good. I hope this lasts. Love, Colby ps. I think I'm finally over Greg

What I wrote yesterday was just a huge blur of emotions. I don’t really remember writing most of it. Probably because it was so late at night, I’m not sure. I’m re-reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and it really is a great book, I forgot a lot about it since the last time I read it last year. I want to read Hard Love, not only because I heard it was a great book, but I think if I read this book, I might understand why you started to hate me. Taylor and I called Greg, he was very mean to me as usual. I don’t understand why he is. I really don’t. I've never really been mean to him, I have joked around, or I have gotten mad after he said something to or about me, but I have never just out said something mean. I don't see how he could be so horrible to someone who cares for him as much as I do, but then again, he has no idea how much I care, because I guess I don't really seem to show it. And this all makes me very upset, he’s horrible to me, absolutely horrible, and then I can see what a gentlemen he can be to someone else. It really hurts because he used to be nice to me, I don't know what changed. Anyway, he assumes things too much, and sometimes he can be right, but not all the time. I’m sick of writing about him, but he’s the only one who is making me feel right now. The fact that we have grown apart and hardly ever talk, and when we do talk, it’s to argue, upsets me very much. Taylor asked on the phone today, while Greg and I were having one of our little “arguments” “Is this all you guys ever do anymore?” And I said “yeah, basically.” Then Greg said something, but it was too quiet for me to hear. It was probably a smart ass remark anyway. I’m trying not to use pronouns as much, if you can tell. I am just so used to using “him”, “you”, “it”, “her” because I never wanted anyone to know what I was talking about. But now it doesn’t really matter, so hopefully by using people’s real names, and me trying to direct who I’m talking to, it will let you understand what I’m trying to write about more clearly. I’m not doing such a great job of it though… Sorry I love the song “I’m Killing Loneliness” by HIM. It’s my favorite song right now. every time I feel like I need to know how Greg used to love me, or how he used to be nice to me, I’ll go and look through the old notes and e-mails, but I actually haven’t done this since July [I think] because once I do, do this, I get very depressed because I realize how horrible he is to me now, and how now, he is like a completely different person. Excuse me, he is. Anyway, writing without pronouns could get me in trouble Eh. Love, Colby

I can’t stand this. I hate myself for swearing that I would always be “gregsexual” I’m lying to myself, and I’m lying to everyone else. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate loving you. I hate loving you I hate loving you These past five months I have been living in a hell of my own. I will admit that there has been good times, but they have been covered in the bad, which makes them un-noticeable, and hard to remember. I’m a fake, I really am. I act stupid for some odd reason. I do the things that I hate other people doing. I laugh at things that I want to cry at. I smile when I really want to frown. I pretend like I’m having a great time when I really want to die. I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember this anymore. I don’t want to remember how you used to love me I don’t want to remember you at all I want to die. And I think you want me to too. I’ve been crying and crying, and thinking about what would happen if I actually did it, and if anyone would care, and if I would write a letter, and what I would say, and I wonder what happens when you die. I wonder if you get to see everyone and what they do, or I wonder if you’re just gone forever. I would like to believe that you could be able to see what goes on when you’re dead. I think that would be a lot nicer than just being gone. I’d like to think that George sees how much I miss him, and how much I wish he’d come back. I’d like to think that, I really do. I can’t get to sleep, and this has been a bad habit for a while now. I don’t sleep till around two, then right when I come home from school I go to sleep. This is not a good thing, and I wonder if this is what is causing my mood swings, or if I’m just upset because of what I read. I think either way, if I had sleep or not, I would still be very upset. I’d like to think that you still cared about me, and I’d like to think that you still loved me, even as just a friend, but then I would be lying to myself, and I do not want to do this, because it only inflects more pain onto me, and I can not stand anymore of this. I am not going to act stupid around my friends anymore, because that is being way too fake, and I am not going to be loud anymore, because that’s really not how I really am. I am not going to be obnoxious because that’s fake also. I really am not this way, and I think the only person who ever really knew the real me was the person I told I was being fake around, yet another lie. I really am not this way, I really am not as stupid as I seem to be, I only say these stupid things because I am afraid of an awkward silence, and I will say anything that comes up for that not to happen. I think one day I would like to write a book about my life, except I would change the names, and give myself an anonymous name so no one would ever know that it was about me. I don’t know, I think my life has some events that are worth sharing. This may seem conceded, but I really don’t mean it that way. I still wonder about that girl on myspace who had a picture of “Damon” on her thing and it saying “RIP” under it, I wonder if Greg made him up, or maybe she was friends with him too, but that would be a little confusing since she lives all the way in a totally different state, but who knows. So, I asked her what his name was, to see if it was “Damon” or not, and she got offended and took me off her friends list. This all happened back in June or July [I forget when]. I tried sending her a message telling her why I asked, and all, but she never responded back, I felt horrible after that. Suicide really makes me cry, even if it’s someone I don’t know. Death is horrible, and it always makes me cry also. Last year this girl died in the 7th grade, and they had an announcement about it, and I cried and I cried, and I didn’t even know her, but I couldn’t help it. That’s how much I hate death. Everyone said she was a horrible person, and that didn’t make me feel any better. Love, Colby

I'm getting by pretty easily. I'm really not the greatest friend in the world. I haven't really done anything mean in a while, but it's the truth. I'm not a good person. I’m not good enough and I'm sick of people criticizing me for it. I wish you would all just back off. Actually, nobody has really said anything about me not being good enough in a long time. I’m not so sure why I just brought that up. I don’t really cuss anymore. I haven’t for a really long time. And that’s good. Today was okay, I guess. This is so…..horrible. This isn’t a good entry at all. I’m not happy with it, I don’t know, I don’t really have anything to write about, so I’m just writing down random thoughts that are popping up, and nothing seems right, because this isn’t what I have been thinking about all day. Sometimes I have these perfect entries in my head that I think about all day long, and then when I finally get home, and I can write them down, I can’t remember one thing I thought about. It’s bad, very bad.

Lately I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Not that I’m thinking about doing it or anything like that, I’ve just been thinking about it a lot. I’m not so sure why, maybe because of the movie we watched in Health last week, but anyway, if I were ever to commit suicide I would leave a note explaining why. I wouldn’t tell anyone, I’m not so sure why I would do this, I don’t know, I maybe would tell my best friend. But I wouldn’t want them to think it was their fault, so I’m not sure. But there would be no need for that, because I wouldn’t do it. It’s just been something I’ve been thinking constantly about for a while now. When we watched the movie I started crying, everyone else in the classroom were laughing there asses off, and I was crying. I don’ t know if I’m just really pathetic…or I’m just way too sensitive, I’m not sure. But Greg called me gay when I told him about it. But yeah, of course he would. He said he never wrote that goddamn entry. I swear he did. I can’t just go to his online diary and read a entry that was never there, that’d be crazy. Tara said he was probably messing with my head, and that’s a possibility. But I don’t know, someone could have his password or something., but I doubt anyone would do that. And the entry sounded exactly like him, so I can’t see anyone pulling that off. I tried looking through the ‘xanga subscriptions’ in the e-mail for it, but it wasn’t there ((don’t they usually have stuff in there, even when people delete it?)) but anyway, I don’t think it really matters anymore. I’m finding more and more of the things he tells me are lies. I found his picture on someone’s myspace a few months ago, so what you lied about him too? I’m not sure, I asked her what his name was and she deleted me off her friends. I think she got a fended, but I really didn’t mean it to sound that way. I was just curious because if that was the same person, then he lied, and if he lied about something that sever then how do I know he’s not lying about everything else he’s ever told me, right? He wasn’t really the best of friends anyway. I could go on and on about how mad I am about things right now, but I have a feeling that I might regret writing them all down later. I sort of already regret writing this much..

I'm not so sure what I did or what I said. but when the phone calls stop and the IMs aren't sent and e-mails were never there... never mind. Nobody cared enough to send me one e-mail. No one, I asked anyone to, anyone, someone, just to send me one e-mail, and no one did. shows how popular I am. but anyway, I don't feel right, and I haven't for a while. I know what's wrong, and I can't fix it. or maybe I could; I'm not sure, I don't know if I would know how to. when diary entries are written then, deleted, I don't know what that means. does it mean you took back what you said? or you just weren't sure. I don't know, I can't answer this. I most likely will write later. maybe.

I'm so lonely. For the past few weeks I have felt more alone than ever, and I'm not so sure why. we haven't talked, really, really talked in what seems forever. I wonder if this may be why I am so lonely. Am I that dependant on you? That if I don't talk to you, I am alone even when I am talking to people, or even when I am with people? I thought I was over you sometimes I feel like it and others I don't. It seems like you have a delete button, and you finally deleted me out of your life. i'm not going to lie: I miss you more than ever. edit axe wars first experiences late night phone calls hugs comp books love notes getting in trouble movies holding hands secrets crossing bridges parties it really hurts. I've never had a friend tell me they didn't want to be friends anymore. well, except once. but I don't want to get into that.

I hate smart remarks. I ask a simple question, and I get a smart ass answer. "what are you doing?" "thinking." "about what" "nothing about you" whatever, I don't really care. Well, I do, or why would I be writing about it? I never really make any sense. I always make diaries, use them a for a while, stop, use an older diary, and then go back to the "new" one I had made about 5 months ago. I don't know, I guess it makes it harder for people to find it. not that they were ever trying to find a new diary; not that they actually care, I'm just saying they would never come across it. anyway, I have nothing really to say, I'm just really bored so I thought I would make another entry..how pathetic.

I have a crushedit: everyone seems to IM me at the same time. I got 6 IMs all at the same time woah. I need to get some people off my buddy list. like the ones I never ever talk to. The Catcher and the Rye is very good so far, I'm only on about page 90 or so, but it's been very interesting so far. I want to read Hard Love so that's on my lists of things to do. My teacher is almost done with reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I'm glad he actually read it, he said he has like it so far, so that makes me uber happy. Friday = football game (I think). Maybe he will go, oh that'd be oh so cool. I want a lover..

I hate how girls write, not all girls, but most. There are only a few girl's diaries that I enjoy reading, and that's because they're not trying to be all fake about what they write, and they aren't trying to impress people with their writing. maybe I'm like that? I don't know, I am always careful about what I write though, maybe I shouldn't be, but then their are the chances of being bitched at for my personal opinions. I like how boys write about the girls they love. Right now I wish I had a boy. Four, five months ago, I had that. But in middle school, forever really means 9 months. Relationships are so pointless right now; unless your one of the people who like having a boy/girlfriend and fooling around with them, then dumping them. But besides that, telling your whoever’s that they're perfect, and you guys will be forever, and will get married, and have an amazing life together is so disappointing when you find out that all of that was fake, and it wont really happen. Why waste each others time giving such promising words and then killing them within a year? Why go and talk about futures when it's not going to last or ever happen? this is what I don't understand. I'm not against relationships, and I'm not going to quit dating; I just don't understand why I would believe forever at the age of 14. It's so silly. but if a certain someone did ask me out right now; of course I would say yes, and then I would get my heart-broken again, but that's what life is, I guess? I'm not so sure why us teenagers do this to ourselves. For the past couple of weeks all I have been listening to for the most part is Bright Eyes. I love the song Haligh Haligh, a lie, Haligh. It makes me feel good every time I listen to it. maybe love will find us again for there is always tomorrow edit: i'm starting to think that Greg and I aren't going to be much of friends soon. which makes me very depressed. I loved last year, I mean, it was nice having someone that cared, but he doesn't anymore; I can tell. I've tried all I can to keep up with being his friend, but I bet if I didn't try, we wouldn't even be friends right now. This is sad, but I'm pretty sure it's true. It'd be nice to be good friends with him again, but I'm so sure he doesn't want to. and I feel bad, but maybe it's for the better, I'm not so sure. on the other hand; I can never bring up something to talk about in a conversation, I need to fix that, someone help me.