Around ten years ago I realized I wasn’t doing anyone any good by allowing Mike to emotionally and verbally abuse me. I began protesting when I felt he was being unfair, not that it helped much. Mike would find something to rant and rave over, however trivial, and the fight would be on. His motto has always been yell and punish first, ask questions later and never, ever apologize. I’ve wasted so much time trying to get into his head and figure out why he acted like a jerk, and I would write letter after letter begging him to listen and respect me. It finally dawned on me that the way he deals with his own low self esteem is to be a bully who gets his kicks by humiliating people. He is a control freak who held the entire family, including me, in tight rein, and he had no intention of doing anything any way except his own.

I hated listening to my own parents arguing, and as a little girl I would cringe inside when they didn’t get along, often acting as the go-between to smooth over hurt feelings. Kerri worked with me to show how Michael used my childhood role of peacemaker against me and was therefore better able to control me. Growing up, I learned few communication, social or conflict resolution skills, and I never knew I had the right to own feelings or that negative emotions were okay. I had a bad self-image anyway, and these became powerful weapons in the hands of a man who styled himself to be the Big Boss Honcho.

I’m not saying I’m a saint. Like any human being, I get angry, pouty and resentful and don’t always say what I mean. Challenging Mike on his actions was not always healthy or helpful, and I’d let tension build up until I exploded over something trivial, giving him the right to complain that I “was out of control”. Sometimes I can be selfish and too worldly and overly materialistic. I am the queen of procrastination because I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my chores. I tend to be lazy about anything that doesn’t motivate me. I’m slightly agoraphobic and way too shy.

Kerri tried these exercises in which she spoke to each of us alone, and then when she brought us back together, she had us talk to each other and say things we felt the other mate needed to know about us. She pointed out the intense emotions this therapy aroused, and you would’ve thought that Mike and I would at least get on the same page. But I was beginning to find that the stuff Mike professed during our hour with Kerri wasn’t transferring over to "real life". It was like he was playing a part in a play for her, but that was all it was, an acting role. I was very confused and frustrated.

When Ashley started to attend school at Oakside all day and Mike more or less went back to full-time work, our financial problems let up a bit. Sometimes instead of going down to his office before getting her up, he spent a couple hours on a nearby job site, returning home in time to get her out of bed in time for the school van which picked her up. He even stayed at work past the time she returned from school because Ash was usually so tired she slept for an hour every afternoon. But once she was up from her nap, Mike had no time for anyone other than Ashley. He’d arrive home at 3:30, she’d head down to his office, and they would be there for hours. I knew he was letting her smoke because his office was hazy, and he reeked of cigarettes. This from a man who had told me for years that he was allergic to cigarette smoke! If he had to go somewhere, she went along with. And of course, there were still the weekly movies, the nail appointments and the snacks she shared with Daddy. Full time work for Michael meant money was coming in and finances improved, but the general atmosphere around the house was very strained.

Two weekends after Ashley’s return to school brought about another huge crisis. Mike had cajoled me into letting her go to the mall with her friend, Christina. Both girls promised they’d behave, and at least we didn’t have to worry about boyfriend Herbie. His mom had gotten tired of his drug-using and misbehavior, and she shipped him off to live with his father in Colorado. Ashley had earned a little money participating in a survey on teenaged drinking and was eager to spend it. She needed sneakers for P.E., and she also wanted to purchase clothes. Ash promised that they would be respectable, but I was leery. Knowing her taste in clothing, I didn’t see how she would ever work out a suitable arrangement with the Oakside staff.

Going anywhere without a parent was also a dangerous proposition for Ashley, but Mike came up with a compromise. He had to buy some books, and he agreed to transport the girls and hang around the mall until they were finished shopping. That way there wouldn’t be an opportunity for her to get away with her usual short skirts or tight tops. Mike said he’d assess any item before purchase, and if it didn’t measure up to our strict standards she couldn’t buy it. I didn’t want to let Ash go, but Mike had already given in, and it seemed I had no choice.

The shopping trip turned into a disaster. Mike had held fast to the shopping rules, and Ashley quickly agreed to the many-times-mentioned condition that she not buy anything without her father’s pre-approval. Immediately after arriving, she finagled permission to mall crawl with Christina and hardy waited for an answer before they took off. The girls were supposed to meet up with him at a prearranged destination and time. Well, the time came and went, and no Ashley. Half an hour later he went looking for them, and when he reached the other end of the mall she and Christina sauntered by, surprised to see Mike there. Our daughter had several packages in her hands, and it seems as if she’d done expressly what she promised she wouldn’t- buying clothes on her own.