Mike claimed to have "proof" of the mythical love letters, and I was at the point of almost believing he would stoop to writing them himself just to damage my reputation. The place to look was on Mike’s computer down in his basement office, so after Kerri’s departure, I headed there.
Well, I didn’t find any letters, which I half expected, feeling sure within myself that he was making the charges up. At least he wasn’t manufacturing the love notes. But I did find some other things that greatly upset me.
First of all there was a letter he’d written just that morning. It was a big mishmash about how he didn’t feel as if he was loved by anyone except Ashley. The second thing I found on the computer was even more shocking. Pornography! Downloaded images of nude women, some of them actresses or models in various stages of undress, all tasteless. There were amateur videos of people having sex, and even some photographs of lesbians having sex. It was very disgusting, and I really couldn’t believe my eyes. My ultra-conservative husband had collected these? Why and when? I was in a funk for the rest of the day.
Mike came home from work, and I decided to confront him. Ashley was asleep, taking her usual after-school nap in her room, and Mike was working in his office. I barged in through the door, asking why he felt he had the need to look at naked women, and of course he howled in protest. I’d prove it, I proclaimed, edging around and trying to get to the computer. But Mike refused to let me by, his face filled with fury. He nearly knocked me down as he pushed me out the door.
Mike dropped Ashley off at her Bible study at Marilyn’s. At 8:30 the leader called to ask permission to take Ashley out for a coke, and I said okay. Mike, who had refused to speak to me all evening, seemed concerned about this, but I didn’t see any harm in it. At 10, Marilyn called again to ask if Ashley could spend the night. They were back at her place, and she promised to have her home the next day in time to get to school. Mike looked distressed but gave his consent. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong; he wasn’t acting as if he thought she’d run away. But what was it?
What a confusing evening I spent. Mike went to bed, and for the first time since arising I was able to relax. My brain skittered through the day’s events looking for answers. Mike’s behavior, so unusual for the past couple of months, had become positively bizarre. Everything was topsy turvy, and I was frightened.
It was so many things. The way Mike constantly put me on the defensive and used my eagerness to please and desire for family peace against me. The way he needed for me to look bad for Kerri and constantly tried to act the part of the hero, even if it meant exaggerating or making stuff up about me. The hate in the letter I’d read about me and the porn, so out of character for my husband. What did it all mean? Was it all just a smoke-screen to throw me and everyone else off track?
The part that confused me the most was Mike’s relationship with Ashley. Okay, he loved her and wanted what was best for her. What was best, unfortunately, was pulling her out of the family and sending her away for treatment. Mike refused to see this. So was he trying to protect Ashley from me by making up stories? Was he hoping that if he could stir up enough doubt she’d be allowed to stay home?
In my head I went back to the argument over the Halloween tights. I remembered how Mike had sent Ashley to me for permission, and I told her I wanted to ask him first. I’d been all ready to grant consent when Mike talked me out of it, and then he’d told her that I was the one who said no. Hmmmmm.
My brain worked furiously. Was it possible that Michael was playing Ashley and me against each other on purpose? Look at the evidence, I told myself. And what I saw was a pattern of one-upmanship and desperate attempts to be the favorite parent, always on her good side. Even if it meant destroying my relationship with my daughter, he had pushed himself into a position of being everything to her. Was Mike shifting the blame of a hundred decisions onto my head when, in all likelihood, either he had made the choice without my input or had chosen to deny her wishes when I would have granted them?
Oh my God! Like an epiphany, the answer hit me. Mike was doing this on purpose!
Event by event, remembering each crisis from the previous four months, I replayed the Mike-Ashley-me triangle in my mind. Suddenly it began to make sense. Mike was a jealous, paranoid, conniving man who had tricked himself into believing I was working against him. Worse, he’d made himself believe that I was Ashley’s enemy too. My mouth fell open as I finally grasped what my heart had been trying to tell me all along. I looked back and saw the evidence of his betrayal. And the truth was really awful,
It was all so simple once I put the pieces together. Mike was behind all the anger and resentment Ashley was feeling towards me. How could she not feel angry? Though his original motives had been pure, his need to be the Do-it-all Daddy and keep her within reach had turned his love into an obsession. What he now sought was total control. And he managed it by keeping me at arm’s distance, catering to her every whim and turning the tables on me when she asked for a favor he wasn’t willing to grant. By keeping us angry he separated us and prevented us from working together to figure out what was going on. No wonder she seemed to mistrust me.