So.. I cut the other night..

Wow. my life must be extremely fucken booring.. Because this isnt the only blog I have and noone responds to any of them.. Figures.. it shouldnt suprise me that noone wants to listen to a word I have to say, they dont in real life so why would they online.. Yeah.. So my frend got raped, and in the same week a totally different friend mutilated her wrists.. -sigh-.. why cant I just die already?

Arent things spose to get better as you get older? I was told that all my "issues" were just teen angst.. Well I am well out of my teenbopper years.. yet the shit is still in my head. I think the therapists were the ones that needed help.. Had a panic attack the other night. first time in a year. Figures.. Noone to talk to does that to a person I guess. .Or it could be that I cant take my meds regularly.. Who knows.. Leave me some comments..

Wow.. I forgot all about this thing.. weird.. well.. needless to say... me and matt are broken up.. he went off to college and just ditched me.. hes an asshole... i am now dating a guy named thomas.. we will see how that goes.. we have been dating for 8 months.. me and matt were together for a year and a half.. engaged.. all that bullshit..what a load of shit.. love is fake.. and i have the scars to prove it.. I dropped out of highschool.. dont have a job.. dont have a car.. yeah.. life is great.. as usual..

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i want to cut. there is nothing around to do it with. i am at school and i want to cut. i found out yesterday that my grandma is dying. i said goodbye to her yesterday. i dont want anymre death around me. NONE. people need to stop dying, stop leaving. like christina did. I just read thru some old e-mails she sent me and the whole time it was weird b/c its hard to read them knowing what i know now.. how could she be so cruel to me. And why would she just leave one day. why did she jsut leave us. I was always there for her. ALWAYS. now i need someone and there is noone. absolutley noone. I hate it. I hate everyone and everything. FUCK IT ALL. i hate being alive right now. i just need someone who isnt yelling all the time and who isnt bitching all the time. or leaving me. I want a family and a boyfreind who doesnt get mad at me sooo much. Even for cutting hell be mad but i dont care. He'll get over it. or hell leave me i guess, it doesnt matter. nothing maters....

Ok so if you cant tell I am bored. I am staying home from school today. Working on failing myself. Yea fun! I am getting an excersize thing. cool talk later

hey i have a new diary on myspace.com xanga.com--jamie1506 if you want to know my myspace one just ask

I hung out with Kim last nite. It was really nice. I am glad that we are talking again. I hope she doesnt slip. I hope she never changes again, but it will happen, i love her so much i hope we will always be freinds, i hope she has a good life. Even though right now it migh look really bad. She told me last nite that sometimes she reads people diaries on here that she use to talk to so maybe she will read mine. If she does i just want to say im sorry one more time before i end this letter on another note i hope justin dies a slow, horrible, painful death. he pisses me off he cuts for attention is a fucking stalker and he is thee stupidest fucken person i know! I wish he would leave christina alone and i wish christina would come home. Misty and darren are thses huge druggiies that she is living with right now. fucken shit. I hate life. i didnt go to school today. mom forgot to wake me up. i decided to just stay home, i dont care if they flunk me. ill get over all this soon i gues. bye ill ttyl Jami

i cant stand this. they wont let him leave yet thay ay no attention to him. fucken shit we can barely sleep in the same room wen i stay the nite and i jus cant stand tehm anymore, I will write more later

the mood is anxious because i am anxious..in a bad way... about schoole about my frends about my boyfreind, my life everything. School starts the 23rd and i hate skewl with a passion and i dont see the point of it because we dont use half the things we learn in skewl. Bah!!!! i hate school I also want to move far far away from here like to hildreth because i hate this shithole town that i am living in. yesterday i read listenasyoubleed xanga site at xanga.com and i like cryed. me and my b/f are trying to find out anything about her to see if she really did commit suicide or not. We think she did. Maybe im stupid for thinking that but who cares? My frend is having some serious issues and shes taken up pot as a way to deal with it all i wish she didnt do that shit she isnt even the same person when shes high and i wish she would stop and deal with it in reality like i know she can. Shes cutting pretty bad too and she needs to be sent away. her sister jus got sent away and really she was the one who really needed it she says that she wants someone to help and i jus dont know what to do. i want to tell someone and get her help but i dont know what to do and its like we cant even talk anymore. Shes not the same person anymore and i miss her. Me and my b/f and my best frend and her b/f were all gonna go camping but now they wont let her and it pisses me off because i wanted to go. i really did and now i dont think we cn also mom is gonna be gone on friday to go to grandisland and jus shit. ive already like spent my whole paycheck i really need to learn to budget money b/c i really suck at it and i have like no money now!! great!! i want to see my b/f today but i have to work and he is busy so i guess i will jus forget about it!

ok so Cass and i are no longer speaking i asked her about Chris and she lied to my face!!! I told her to leave then she sent me an e-mail saying she wass still gonna come over when i wasnt here and that pissed me off even more!! She has lied to me so much in the past and im tired of it. So last time i talked to her or seen her was last nite and it's been awesome maybe i wont ever see her again!!!:) that would be super! i also wish Kym could come stay with me again but that would also be pointless since i have a job from 4:30 to 8:00 My hair is bothering me. I want it to be longer a lil but Matt odesnt like my hair longer...even tho hes never seen it that way...i dont know i am gonna grow it out a bit more...then get it layered or something.. he will jus have to deal with it. i really dont think he cares actually prolly jus giving me something to worry about. My feet and my back are killing me from work. I am never gonna remember everthing i have to for work!!! When i quit training and i have to ask Sharon ( the cook) everything shes gonna like get me fired cuz i bother her!!!! OK i feel like i am gonna die so i am gonna go Peace Jami

ok my frend cass has been at my house like every day for the past 2 weeks and its driving me insane my b/f was back for 3 days and she was here for all of them except one where my mom had to tell her not to come over!!! she is driving me insane. today i went to my sisters house to helpo my frend babysit and she shows up..wtf? i think she is stalking me and i also think she has a crush on me!!! i also found out today that cass slept with my brother in law chris...yea..im gonna kill her thats the end of our frendship right there...gone forever... im sick of her lying bullshit im through with her.done. cass if you are reading this. i hope you feel like shit! bye

ok this cannot fucking blow anymore Matt has to go back to columbus for another god damn week!!!!!! so i will not see him till friday again!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrr i am mad and sad and shitty i want the mood to be shitty... so i will make it this blows bye

ok i have decided that the maximum i can be away from Matt is 3 days. Thats how long he's been gone so long and i am gonna die!! i really miss him and have been writing him and waiting for his reply forever. I cant wait till he writes back. then we can chat thru hotmail maybe.... i love him i really think i do. i know that sounds stupid but i dont care. none of my frends can do anything and yea it blows

OK if anythign in the world could blow as much as this does then i dont know. Matt is gonna be gone until friday and he left yesterday and omg i am gonna die. I know that i prolly sound really gay and cheesy because its like 5 days but i love him alot and i miss him. He writes me and thats good but i wish we could call each other! I am gonna go write him a loooong letter! My mom has been yelling all fucking day and its driving me insane so i am gonna go to the pool later with cody.

ok its like 10 in the morning and crap i am actually up. Matt is coming down today to see me!!! YAY. I don't know what to do or write so bye

I love the cocaine i love tha cocaine... ok sorry i had to get it out. its been stuck in my head update ok ...i think everyone jus needs to strap on the happy face because today is wednesday which means tomorrow is thursday and we get outta skewl!!! wohoooo...... i get to see matt tomorrow...yay!!!!!!! i need to talk about matt but its cheesy to talk about him on here plus like noone weants to hear about him. o well im happy :D i am torturing lil elema=entary kids right now...lol u fun ive decided that i actully have a life for once. and i am starting to believe matt wen he tells me im pretty and stuff...its weird...i mean i know im pretty but the way he says it makes me think im gorgeous. its great. im so glad to have such an awesome b/f im really lucky i should be happy i am happy :D

well this is shitty....carrie didnt make cheerleading squad which apparently didnt make her to happy shes crying....kinda stupid i thought , to cry over something you cant change but ,, thats carrie i guess....shayla will prolly make fun of her... hmmm.....im pissed christina cant go bowling tonite b/c she wasnt in skewl today and that blows at least i think that kim is still going.... im not sure tho.... i hope so cuz if not i aint going... ill go catch mono from christina !!! that is slightly funny!!....lol....ok i should be feeling bad for her but i woder how the camping trip is gonna work if she is gonna have mono tha world may never know....

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