So its been a long while a good 5 months since I've done anything with a guy. The only thing stopping me was the trust issues... so I meet this amazing guy, hes sweet as can be and so adorable. Shit happens with us then I get bad news so now after having a broken heart for 5 months I see its just going to continue longer. When will I ever find that one for me I'm sick of being lonely and not getting affection and having a guy there for me that I can hold, hug, and kiss when I want to!!! But hes not like all the other guys out there trust me I can see it now. Yeah everyone wants to say EVERY GUYS THE SAME... well no they really aren't I've realized that over a matter of time and meeting new guys they aren't the same at all. I'm just going to hope that my time comes soon to where I'll be with the one that I can stay with forever or at least be with for a long time.

So theres this special guy thats stuck on my mind 24/7 and he likes me a lot but not as much as I care for him. The only bad thing is I have to wait a little less then 2 years to be with him only cause he doesnt want to go to jail cause of people talking their shit cause hes 21 and I'm only 16. I dont know its way more then a crush not as far as love yet. I wish I could be with him every second of the day he makes me so happy :) Its weird like hes the only guy that makes me feel so happy and like I actually mean something. It really saddens me cause he wont be with me I want him to be mine and only mine. He says I will be his and only his in less then 2 years but I CANT WAIT!!! like I can but I dont want to I love being in his arms like I tear up when he holds me tight cause it feels soooo right♥! I get so sad when I see him and he doesnt hug me or talk to me like I just about want to cry. I could honestly say I could see me falling deeply in love with this guy being with him forever and ever :) In the mean time I get to talk stuff over with my best friends thats the only way I'll stay happy cause they know how to cheer me up always! I only have like 4 best friends that I can actually TRUST with everything! They are - Crystal, Melissa, Jessica, and Sckhy! They are more like sisters to me but ok I love them to death and I always will♥ :)

So Basically today all that happened was one bad thing after another until I got high haha then I was like woooo off the fucking walls :) but anyways I'm still high so I'm hyper and crazy.... I really really like this one guy hes such a sweetheart yet theres still ups and downs going through my head about him... I want to be with him so bad but the down sides would be hes still got a girlfriend and a big issue is he reminds me some what of my ex that I almost fell in love with but ended up getting really hurt. I dont want to get hurt no more I want to finally find love and be able to spend a long long time with someone. Theres so much going on though like ugh I dont know where to even begin but all I know is things need to start getting better for me or I will come to my breaking point and just give up on EVERYTHING and theres no need for that but what can I say the inner me is extremely emoooo :( o well I will write more tomorrow peace<3

So yea I'm getting upset cause like I'm so confused I like 4 different guys and like they like me too but its hard cause the one I actually wanna be with is a really great guy and I'm already falling in love and everyday I wanna cry but I cant cause I have to be strong and its hard when I see my friends all over their boyfriends and kissing and hugging getting affection and I dont get any it hurts me cause I dont even want sex I want to cuddle be held and get kisses and all that basically so I feel loved but that hardly ever happens. :( I just wish I was 18 cause I'm 16 right now and the one I truly want to be with told me I have to wait until I'm 18 to be with him cause hes 21 :( i dont know its just hard and weird for me like I'm at a friends house my BEST FRIEND! and I love her to death but like I am jealous cause she has a boyfriend and gets affection and everything and I dont get no one so I'm always sad... Faking a smile a laugh everyday of my life cause I cant truly be happy unless I have someone there for me but yea its hard for me. I wish I was happy but I cant be :( Yea I have my friends there but it only helps a little. When is it my turn to finally be happy????

So basicaslly I am so confused I had the biggest crush on this one guy but like he kept leading me on and finally told me he couldnt be with me because he has a child and wants a chance to have a family but I think its just another one of his lame excuses like I believe him and what not but like he said he liked me then like idk what happened :( but he broke my heart! Then I still really like my ex boyfriend I was with for a good 3 months but then again so does two of my other friends :( I want him back but I dont think I could have him back it upsets me cause I think the only thing I could do is hook up with him its not so bad but I would want to be with him not just hook up its hard to explain but someone in their right mind will understand me... THEN... theres this other guy whom I got really close to and almost dated but then my mom had informed me that we were gonna move so I told him but guess what... I'm not moving after all its gay!!!! Soo he went with some other girl and I hate her shes a bitch!!! SHE KNEW I LIKED HIM A LOT!!!! :( like this kids all I think about its nutts! IDK what to do right now like I know I'm young and shouldn't have to worry about this stuff but like I cant hlep but want to be with someone that I can fall in love with and have affection and cuddle with and what not u get what I mean! I dont get it like theres all these fat nasty girls getting sooo many guys yet all my friends say I'm skinny and pretty yet why cant I find a good guy I dont get very many guys and it upsets me like I want to fall in love I dont want nor do I need sex its just there... but I have to go get my other tattoo so I'll write back some other day Peace and Love♥