you know. i don't want to write this. i REALLY don't. but i have to do something. i know i do. otherwise, its just all gonna blow up in my face...again. as much as i hate to sound so cliche... to be completely honest...i could really use some help. i don't know how much more i can take. does anyone remember that pit i used to be in? the one i "pulled myself out of"? maybe not. i did a pretty good job of hiding behind myself. anyway, the thing is thing is...i'm not so sure i ever did get out of it. I'm always on the fucking edge lately. just everything man. why does it all have to happen at once? jordan...jordan.the girl had me at hello, i guess. i don't know, there was always something about her. i always kind of had a feeling things wouldn't end well, i guess i was just hoping i was wrong. she's definitely a beautiful disaster. i didn't love her, of course. still... and i will never forgive her for what she did to jordo. or the rest of us, but mostly jordo. still... its hard to let go so suddenly, you know? i liked her from the first, and it felt like forever, and there were so many times where i felt like we were so close to being something...then, all at once, we were. at least, i thought we were something. i believed her when she said we were. i just...being with her...i felt so alive. she revived a part of me i didn't even know existed anymore. i haven't felt so alive since...well, since kim. she reminded me so much of her, in more ways than i'll ever feel comfortable talking about. that feeling of being alive, i feel it with jess too, but not nearly as strongly. and i feel so guilty for it. with jess, who is one of the sweetest people i've ever known and who adores me, theres sparks. but with jordan, an evil (and more than a little twisted) psycho... i hate myself for feeling this way. it hurts to see her now, she won't even look at me. how stupid i was, to think that someone like her could ever even consider someone like me a friend, nevermind anything more. still. it hurts that she would do that. what the fuck did i ever do to her? i don't think i did anything to deserve that... i know its for the best. and at the same time, i can't help but feel like i'm being unfair to her. like maybe everything thats happened really is because of me, like she said, and maybe I'm just trying so hard to blame her so no one will think to look at me... maybe i'm really NOT as innocent as everyone thinks i am. barry...i don't even know what to think anymore. i don't know what to want, what i have, what to think, what to feel. somethings just...different. he's changed. maybe i've changed. we've changed. any i keep hearing a zillion different opinions from 50 different people. some say he's gorgous, some say he's the best and nicest person they know, some say he's an arrogant asshole. some say he isn't himself anymore. some say he hates the attention. others think he revels in it. some dislike him. most love him. some love him for the wrong reasons...and some people love who they think he is. the facade he puts on whenever he's around them, which can alter completely as soon as they turn their backs. fake barry. to an extent, i guess theyre all true. they have their moments, anyway. the point is, for some reason, people think i'm the person who should know these things. everyone comes to me to talk about barry. what if i don't want to talk about barry? what if i'm tired of his shadow hovering over me all the time? i don't know where this was supposed to go. what i'm trying to get across is, i'm already mixed up enough as it is, without you throwing in your thoughts as well. just let me sort my own things out and think for myself for once, and keep your opinions to yourself, okay? not that i don't love him...but i have enough of my own barry in my life, without everyone throwing their barrys at me too, whenever mine doesn't happen to be around. i just don't know anymore. joe. apparently i've hurt him too now? i'm sorry, i didn't mean to. at the same time, i don't understand why everyone freaks out when joe gets hurt. everyone hurts, and everyones going to hurt you at some point. you just have to decide who's worth the pain. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells with all of my friends lately. i feel like if i say or do just one wrong thing...i'll end up the next jordan. then i'll be alone, too. i'm afraid to even let anyone see me upset lately. i don't want anyones pity and i definitely don't want anyone to accuse me of looking for it. i missed jordo. what happened really made me think. what if it really had happened? what would i have done? things would have ended with her thinking i hated her...and it would have been my fault, at least partially. would i have been able to live with myself then? you always want to think things can go back...but they can't. things can't always be undone. this so easily could have been one such thing. it scares me, you know? it scares the HELL out of me. i'm still scared.what if it ever happens again? what if they aren't found in time? what if i don't get to say goodbye? ...what IF? i barely ever get to talk to jenni anymore. i feel like she's slipping away, and i feel like i'm just letting it happen. i don't want to lose her, i can't lose her...and i guess if i think about it, i never really could, she's too big of a part of me. still...she's slipping. Kim and Kylie...ugh. its so fucking weird. both of them have been talking to me lately. sometimes even seeking me out. its just weird. i don't really know what to make of it. kylie did her best to hurt me as much as possible. and yet now suddenly we're talking like old friends. only, we're not. are we? and kim. kim.its just weird. i know i still care about her, i guess you could say i still love her. i guess i kind of always will. at the same time, i know we'll never be together, i know if we ever were, it would be pure hell, and if the last time didn't kill me (i'm still not so sure it didn't...) then another time around definitely would. so i've decided against that. and i've accepted that descision, and gotten over it, mostly. so what is this, then? my parents...argh. possibly the most difficult one to write. i just...don't even want to think about it. but i know i have to. Things My Parents Don't Know, But Really Should *i have depression. i'm pretty much a poster child for it. *i've done drugs *i've been so drunk i could hardly stand *i'm still doing basically anything i can think of to cope for the moment, no matter how much i might end up hurting myself in the end *i'm pretty much a lesbian *i have a girlfriend *my allied health teacher hates me because she knows most (and probably suspects all) of the above *i feel like i'm being unfairly descriminated against, and i'm fucking sick of it. she's not the first, and she definitely won't be the last...but what the fuck? why me? why do i have to take the brunt of this? no one fucking cares enough to stick up for me...and even if they do care, they can't. because adults hold too much power. and so few adults care about whats happening to students...even the ones who are slowly withering away. and the adults who do care don't have power and the ones who do...i'm too afraid to go to them, for fear that they won't care. if they knew why she was picking on me...well, if and when my dad got over hating me for coming out, he'd pretty much tell me to suck it up, because life's not fair. my mom...probably tell me to drop out of the class. she might go to the principle. but whats he gonna do about it? "don't do that?" yeah. right. hasn't stopped her yet. i just wish everyone would leave me alone. what the hell did i ever do to them? they hate me for something i can't change. well, i could, but i won't. its like hating someone for having brown hair. whats the point? sure, they could dye it...but why should they have to give themselves up for your happiness? they shouldn't. their hair should be whatever color they want, and i should be able to date whoever the fuck i want. i'm just trying to be happy, for ONCE in my life...why do you people have to be such incredible ASSHOLES over it? i'm just tired. tired of being lost. tired of feeling alone. tired of this life, tired of me. and i don't know what to do. i'm on the end of my rope. yes, this is a cry for help. forgive me, but i don't know who else to ask. i can't write anymore. what ive said is hurting enough, i can't do anymore. i just can't do this anymore...