i just got a new lap top... woot woot! merry christmas !

fuck its like morbidity is the only state in which expression is entirely pure.. is anything real when it doesnt come from a placedespiration, and depression?

If salutation is your resolution than what is your solution for this picturesque probability of you and me ? And what will you say when your theories hit the hay and your sleeping soundly next to me again ? We'll try to count the times when you tried to make this time the end; when you and me were just friends. Will you put up your shield your highly powerful electric field keeping me away ? Will you put on your face of strength take our love check to the bank and cash me out ? Well don’t spend our love in one just one place save it cause this is not the end. And if salutation is your resolution than what is your solution for this picturesque probability of you and me? So I guess maybe this is the end This time your ego will not bend This heart is one that cannot be put back again So go ahead and blow it all And blow it fast Don’t spend it well Don’t spend it wise It’ll still bite in the ass So now I hope that you are happy and I know that you are broke Cause I guess you sure did cash our check And on the ones you’ve spent it Well it just makes me choke all my resolutions So I sure hope she pays you well Because if salutation is your resolution Then I’m sorry theres just no solution For the picturesque probability of You And Me.

16 days until I'm completely done with high school, and finally move out.. im ... excited? i think.

I cut all my hair off!!! haha.. its great!

It took an extra minute to react to you to feal all your pain it took me too many minutes to cry for you im stuck now, just the same Now im hoping, wanting, wishing,the last chance would have come. that we would have had at least,a last kiss for love so i hope she is beautiful and not like me i hope she is wonderful and not like me i hope she loves you well a lot like me i hope she can tell... you, not like me. if i could take it back for one moment i'd give you that one, last, kiss i'd live within the romance, just like this

How hard can it be to bring yourself to cut someones hair? Apparently it can be horrifying. So Sunday Sara cut my hair. It was the last thing she wanted to do, she wanted me to leave it just the way it was even though my hair was being overrun by split ends. But she eventually got herself to cut it, after about 10 minutes of standing behind me with the scisors hessitating. It was cute. Now my hair is about 3 inches shorter than it used to be. But its just really cute... and way easier to blow dry.. No more tangly knot balls at the ends and underneath.. its very nice. I saw Emily a few times this weekend.. it was nice to actually see her a bit for a change and her and Sara were actually getting along.. it was great..

so ive only got about five minutes to write my thoughts.. even though i'll probably be able to write more later.. n e way.. yesterday was a trip.. me and some friends were smoking behind a fire station and we got caught and the cops were called.. they took down all our info.. searched our pockets, and didn't find anything so they just let us go.. well they sent us to the campus cop n e way.. but if they would've even just unzipped my backpack they would of found quite a bit of "parifanilia" catch my drift? wow.. im so glad they didn't finish searching me.. and then they couldn't prove anything so we didn't get into any trouble at all.. and the campus cop talked to us for like 3 minutes about nothing and then just let us leave.. it was amazing.. i guesss that'll teach me to smoke in the privacy of my or others homes... me and sara got home around 2 since i got stuck at school for a while and we missed the first bus.. but it was all good.. we hung out with jason, jewel, adam and chris, and then later on emily showed up which was cool.. and we all hung out for a little bit.. then me and sara went to the movies to get my schedule and watch hide&seek it was better than i had expected it to be.. ahhh! i gotta go.. bell rang.. WML peace out diary

First Best Friend: Mathew First Crush: Brandon First Real Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Boy-Chris, Girl-Jennifer First Date: hmm.. Homecoming.. Chris :) First Kiss: Eddie First Album/CD: Korn- issues First Piercing/Tattoo: ears/then eyebrow/tounge/naval/eyebrow again /lip/nose/now lip again/ an OM (Left Wrist) First True Love: Chris First Enemy: Olivia First Time Dying My Hair: 6th grade maroon First Formal Dance: homecoming freshman year First Time Breaking A Bone: none First Time Getting Really Sick: being born premee L A S T Last Cuss Word Uttered: bitch Last Compliment: i like your shoes Recieved - you're beautiful Last/Current boy/girlfriend: Sara Last Crush: Niko Last Time Driving: umm a couple days ago Last Big Car Ride: umm when we went to Ragging Waters Last Kiss: Sara Last Good Cry: a couple of weeks ago Last Movie Seen: ? Last Phone Call: Emily Last Thing Written: Probability Last Show Watched: futurama Last Time Showered: sunday Last Shoes Worn: black converse Last Person That Saw You Naked: Sara Last CD Played: american idiot Last Item Bought: New Fossil Watch Last Disappointment: Ani Difranco Concert: Missed Last Annoyance: Jewel being loud (but i still love you) Last Song You Heard: Ashley Simpson- Peices of Me , egh Last Piercing/Tattoo: Lip, right side/ OM (left wrist) I AM: ok I WANT: forever I HAVE: Love I WISH: love could last forever I HATE: George W. Bush I MISS: Emily I FEAR: Loosing "her" I HEAR: the sound of my fingers hitting the keys and of all the computers buzzing all around me I SEARCH: inside myself I WONDER: if i can make it I REGRET: nothing.. life is full of mistakes.. make em' I LOVE: Sara, Emily, Chris, Jennifer, My Mom, my Dad, ( ), Rita, my Step Bros, and my Sister(kristen), Coral.. Jewel, Brooke, Brittany... hmm.. (my whole human family.?.nah.) I ACHE: When she's not here I ALWAYS: poke smot I AM NOT: yours. I DANCE: in my under pants I SING: to you I CRY: when your gone I AM NOT ALWAYS: a bitch I WRITE: my life I WIN: you! I LOSE: myself I CONFUSE: matt I SHOULD: make things right

if salutation is your resolution than what is your solution for this picturesque probability of you and me and what will you say when your theories hit the hay and your sleeping soundly next to me again we'll try to count the times when you tried to make this time the end when you and me were just friends will you put on your shield your highly power full electric field keeping me away will you put on your face of strength take our love check to the bank and cash me out well dont spend our love in one just one place save it cause this is not the end and if salutation is your resolution than what is your solution for this picturesque probability of you and me

Which Two Boys will you have a threesome with by GlamRockKenYour NameFirst PartnerEwan McGregorSecond PartnerBilly BoydWhere AtBackstage at a AFI concertWhat Happens AfterYour Family hates youQuiz created with MemeGen!

so here i am .. im finally an adult i'm "barely legal" i thought it was supposed to be greatbut really is not. its genericly nill .. no effect.. oh yippie i can buy cigarettes.. big deal.. now i have responibility and shit.. i have to work more hours.. and man i am over worked and under paid.. i dont mean to be so damn cliche but sometimes you just cant help it ya know? whatev.. write more later.. ..peaces.. ..................................... the diner ............. i'm calling from the diner the diner on the corner i ordered two coffees one is for you i was hoping you'd join me 'cause i ain't go no money and i really miss you i should mention that too yes i know what time it is in fact, i just checked i even know the date and the month and the year i know i haven't been sleeping and when i do i just dream of you dear i miss watching you drool on your pillow i miss watching you pull on your clothes i miss listening to you in the bathroom flushing the toilet blowing your nose i'm calling from the diner the diner on the corner i ordered two coffees one is for you the cups are so close the steam is rising in one stream how are you i think you're the least fucked up person i've ever met and that may be as close to the real thing as i'm ever gonna get but my quarter's gonna run out now or so i'm told i guess i'd better go sit down and wait for you till my coffee gets cold

im feeling mildly horrible today. i could probably fall asleep standing, but im at school anyway because its finals week and i have no choice, but its ok because today is officially the last full day of school i will ever have.. im in work experience secind semester so i get out at 12:30 every day from now on. except i have to be here an hour early on thursdays.. which kind of sucks.. but its well worth it..

i miss all the little things days at the beach that old white gold, diamond ring surfing with him boarding with you all of the stupid shit that we'd do it was fun at the time still is now feeling myself fall as the wave's crashing down twisting and twirling and holding her hand feeling slight pain as my back hits the sand being such a dark brown can you still call it a tan? in summer time the livin was easy the whether was hot the wind was breezy at the top of the stairs for that one water slide it was just us, we were down for the ride now things are different different but good i guess normal life back in LTJ is good but i'll never forget all the times that i had the last summer before freedom cause it wasen't half bad...

*cRaSh! its a sound we hear quite often but what does it represent? a movement a misdirected action when will it happen again? will it even be today? when you daze when you're covered in a haze when your eyes have been shaded your clarity and consious is jaded focus on a sound or a picturesk image something you dont often see taken away, your eyes for only a second then your whole world is changed your whole world, your universe is set set in concrete in action then you crash into me

What is it about love that is so hard to fight with? Love is unconditional. The heart is something you cant control You cant fight it Or let it go You cant change it

So dreams reflect things that are happening in your life, or the feelings you have bottled up inside, right? But what about when you have a dream that is just so incredibly horrible that there is no way it can reflect your life.. or the way you feel? I had a dream the other night, or morning rather.. it was me my dad and Sara. Sara had gone into this building to do something and my dad was being really impatient about it so i got out of the car,i stopped before i got to the building because i had a feeling my dad was gonna hit something.. i turn to my left and a smaller truck smashes into a parked car but its not that bad, then just as the alarms goes off on that car i hear screeshing tires behind me i turn around and my dad has floored it and is screaming in a violent rage, he goes full speed not even trying to stop into the wall on the other end of the street. the truck hits the wall and the whole front end is just cruched up like a coke can. it was unbelieveable.. i start screaming and try to run towards it, then someone grabs me..- then i wake up.. when i woke up i couldn't even breath.. it was horrible.. the way he got so angry, really reminded me of the butterfly affect and it was crazy.. it really freaked me out.

I saw Sean the yesterday at Quizno's. I guess he works there, at first i didn't realize it was him,and thought he was cute. Which made it even worse when i realized who he actually was. I know that seeing him shouldn't bother me, but it sorta did. I just kept thinking .. wow he looks really good, and... wow they were together for a long ass time.. but i have nothing to be worried about.. she's with me now. And thats all that matters. And we're happy. I'm happy, im really happy. I havent felt like this in a long time, and its nice. Its kinda scary, but its also really peaceful. We were talking one night, after i talked to Jennifer and she told me she's coming back after she graduates and that she's going to Brooke's, where im strongly considering going. I didn't tell her about Jennifer, but Jewel did. so she brought it up. and i asked her if that scared her, and she said yes. which is actually really relieving because i really have no idea how she actually feels about me.. not completely anyway.. when i was talking to Jewel about it she laughed and said "you really think you and Sara will still be together over a year from now?" her saying that really made me think.. and she said it to Sara too. but when me and Sara talked about it, i asked her if she thought we'd still be together and she said "i hope so" ... it was really reassuring to hear her say that, and now im a little more secure. but im still afraid, afraid of caring more, afraid of getting hurt.. What really sux is i feel like i cant talk to Emily about it.. its akward, and i dunno.. but i miss her. i havent talked to her for more than 2 minutes, in like a week... i miss my Em. :.(

two years ago before you felt so familiar before i could remember your last name i remember now how our bright spring green deepened with the years the seasons changed and we were lush as the underside of august the streets looked like water they swelled and they shimmered and they stretch like the sea and dressed in my best shining skin and my squinty eyes i put the miles behind me and it took us so long to get here you gotta write between lines you gotta read between the years and fleetingly we see ourselves pass driving a good thing and wondering how long can it last how long can it last how long can it last how long can it last and there was much to forgive and there was much to forget it seems we both stood by while the record was set and now when i look at you and when you look at me it's a much different view we are both decked out in our history and it took us so long to get here you gotta write between the lines and read between the years and fleetingly we see ourselves pass driving a good thing and wondering, how long can it last how long can it last AniD

I reflect on recent past times, as I sit, I rewind back to the part, where every situation big or small someone found a way to complicate it all. Things now a days resemble a labrynth, a maze. Complications at every wrong or right turn. A new mistake is made with each thing we learn. A burnt flag symbolizes a tare in the grand design of a great nation. If fashion flocking didn’t plague our oh so picture perfect world…, the earth within our minds, would you go on being with the crossed T’s and dotted I’s or would you escape all the hypocracy and ties. Would you escape into yourself and let you be free. Go to the top of your favorite hiding place, where you can find me. But when you find me I am gone because deep in thought is lately where I tend to be. Even though sometimes im just not at all clearly thinking. Im surrounded by a 360 web with ties of each event from me to you and others everything seems to end up tied together…, and some things began that cant be erased, that cant be undone, by so many of us, this shit that is caused, effected by all of it, being compelled may not be relevant. Is an urge an excuse for all the wrong things we choose. I don’t know why, how, when, or who…, but im pretty sure it hit me each time, especially with you. So im not sure what really to do anymore, some situations and feelings there’s no way to ignore. So with Ani, or Tori to my left, my pen and my paper are my vest, my protection for my reality and craze from my mind and heart in this selfish daze. So where do I swallow, my heart, my tears, as they creep up from behind me and trample my fears. Where do I find the strength to pull away. How can I let you know, ....I need you to stay.