2/22/04 I lay there so helpless, Wanting you to scream for me, As the tears flow down from my face, Looking at you as you walk away, Like you did two times before, So many questions I too scared to ask, For fear of the answers you might tell me, Don\'t ask me anything as I lay here and suffer, The pain you\'ve caused and from you I receive, I beg to you just to release all of this, Empty feelings and running away, From you I can only run. 2/27/04 My skin falls apart, No one will see, I can no longer, The blood will stain the air, Stars will hide in fear, No love is possible, My heart will just lay there, When I\'m so helpless. 4/15/04 Hiding from the world, Morbid and so broke, Cover my mouth; Scream at me, B/c I can\'t hear. Nothing you\'ve said; Actually appealed to me, It did until you said; Good bye, Cuts bleed your name, Flowing out of me; Our possiblities of love, You pissed on my entire creation, Loving me wasn\'t enough; For you. 5/5/04 Holding me so tight, Let me go and let me breath, I can only dream of this hold, I even feel your arms on me, So alone I lay, Here where no one can hear, Far away from anything alive, B/c I am only dead, Everything so dark; And I\'m always alone. 5/29/04 Running away, Stepping on knives, Picking up all the pieces, Enough to think about cuts, That blood staining the air, Everyone breaths, Taking the pain from me to them, Only dream this could be, Not sitting here telling, Hiding away like I always have, Black nails turning red with blood, Dripping down and I can\'t stop it, Moving my hands around in the blood, Falling around me as I cry, I think I need help, I think I\'m stupid; With all these cuts and blood. 6/1/04 Hide it all away, Let nothing stand by itself, I can\'t cut now, Too much intervense, I can\'t seem to be everything you want, I\'m not perfect, So don\'t treat me like you think I should be, Let nothing bother you, Be here always, I need you too much for you to walk away, Please just be here make me stop, I don\'t need this cutting, Although I\'m so bored with the same cuts, I crave new ones, The blood that makes the cut sting, Feeling of impowerment, Deep thought gone forever, Just boredom with strong words, Creativity gone forever, Burning soul with no pain at all, No understanding, So much judgement, Anger and black holes we can all hide in, I\'m crazy lets call it a day, Sociaity at its best, Glamorous 90lb models, For everyone to look at and judge, God diets everyone needs, Take it away and use it for an agruement, Government rotting our minds, Taking our money to shit on, Live today like you don\'t give a damn, B/c I surely don\'t, Too much to worry about already, I need so excuses or anything to justify your actions, Never say woulda shoulda coulda, You\'ll die before you live, An apple a day gives you worms, Support systems and numbers to call, Only when I feel helpless, Well duck tape the damn phone to my ear already, Oh yeah don\'t ever say god damn, B/c god damnit I\'ll be god damned to hell, Yea I\'m just so scared, Stupid scare tactics, B/c everyone is stupid anyway, Damn stupid fuckers, I think I might call this a GOD DAMN DAY! ------------------------- Down to one, Just to it, So clear, As to what I want, Need, Open me up and find out, Unjumble my thoughts, Make me understand, For everyday I\'m lost, Its still wide open, Let me see inside of you, Maybe it different than mine, Painic shock and I freak out, Can I end now with last words, Help me God for I have sinned. 6/6/04 \"Break Through\" This confusion, That bothers me, Under its spell, I suffer, Only as I break through, To the other side, Outside, everthing seen, Nothing burns, But this cigarette, I never freeze, In my steps, I walk on, Even if I dream, For a second, Then I\'m back, Here, Where it was good, The words, I could never remember, Only as I break through, This spell, Of depression. ---------------- \"True Beauty of Happiness\" Simple but priceless, No longer the cuts, Feelings that kept me awake, Caring supposed to be hours away, Too far to even see the darkness, Slipping away into the light, Sky falls the rain that washes you, Those dreams you keep locked away, Only if you spoke the words, Realized you\'re alive, Although you feel nothing, Only b/c you\'re not feeling sad, This feeling overtakes all the rest, Making you dry the tears, Thinking clear as day, To apologize for nothing, Not anything that matters now, But the feelings outside. 7/29/04 \"Friendship Suicide\" Killing to leave this world, Had to make sure it be right, Best friends forever; Even in hell, Forever together, Love doesn\'t matter, When your life is over, Your possessions just disappear, Just as you do, In one moment, Bullet from the gun, Blood dripping from the cuts, Your neck broke from the rope, Everything is covered in blood, Friendship does last forever, Even if you\'re not both in the ground. 8/19/04 \"Goodbye to the girl\" She whispers in the darkness, Her blood red smile doesn\'t show, Her heart still pumps but she\'s dead, You touched her and she froze, Just like she did before, The nightmares keep her up at night, Of the night you took her, The light burns her pale skin, She\'ll never be the same again, She\'s broken apart, Never to be fix, All of her skin is cut to pieces, Blood covers the floor, She whispers in the darkness, Goodbye..... 8/23/04 \"Upside down right world\" Swallow everything that you have, Leave nothing in the open, Hide yourself and your body too, Go hungry and die for them, Mankind will never forgive you, Sin daily and don\'t pray, For the devil wants you in hell, Homosexuals will die first, Christians fall short, Give your clothes to charity, Your money is no good, Sell your children for sunshine, Clone them and see them over again, Run with sissors and knives, Make sure to stab your eye when you fall, Blind humans, aren\'t wrong, Sense the bad seeds and grow them, Eat apples, they give you worms, Be nothing they want, Remember, Earth will die one day; Just like you. 8/26/04 \"Alone I think\" In the darkness I dwell, Trying to find the energy, To move about and live, I feel so broken, Not to be fix, Loving the idea of love, Dreaming I knew the answers, But in reality I have no idea, I donâ€™t care to know or find out, If this is my lonely life, Forever this way, I stay broken never to be healed. \"Confussion\" Tears of no joy only pain, Its been a while since I cried, Now I feel so broken and confused, For it has already started, It happened once before, The feeling that I have more, A lot more than I want, And I don\'t know what to do, So all I have is to cry, B/c I\'m so tore between things. 8/28/04 Every cut is for; How you look at me, As I pass by, With that glare, Like I\'ll let you; Touch me, I could never or I might; Die, Without this pain, I can live, Feeling this protection, Freedom in your arms; They fit around me, Guiding me through the night, When I am so broken, You\'re there, For me. 8/29/04 \"Come See Me\" I try to sneak away, My heart speeds it\'s beat, I\'m so scared of what might happen, If I\'m caught I might die, The darkness is my friend, My haven as I crawl away, No more joy comes, I am alone with you, But my freedom awaits, In the woods there on the snow, So cold and dark out here, But there is no fire, I am safe until morning, When you realize I\'m gone, The bruises and cuts will never disappear, You left me with these scars, Everyone can see and you can sense, But you never see them, Not as I do, I\'ll just have to give you something to see, And come morning, To red snow let\'s you see, What you\'ve done. 9/8/04 \"Unlock\" Unlock the memories to a worn out soul, Consuming every part of me from within, Inside so black and dark, Without any worries or concerns, For the world that is dead, Drive the nail into my head, The blood that pours out, Tells a story to help you realize, Things that aren\'t broken don\'t need fixing, Hold my heart in your hand, With percision watch it grow, Blooms that show nothing, Our future like our past, Layed out to rot and to smell, The flesh will burn and eyes will tear, Tore and alone you suffer, Alive but not breathing, And to some you hold the key, Free the light that is trapped, For it holds all the answers. 9/8/04 Water runs right off of my body, Naked and so alone, Sticking to my sores like glue, Is the familiar scent, Lusting thoughts on my mind, Washing away every intent, Flames are burnt out, B/c they are to old to burn, Freeing arm surround me, In my entirety of being, Drink of me and leave nothing, But the blood stained freedom, In the happiness of the corner, Dark and unusual sightings, Of the past that drove you crazy, Killing the ears of the innocence, Death blows down upon you, Like the wind, not seen, Sometimes only heard, But only on deafness, As to what you see is unknown, Curosity and your victims, The power you invest on us, Doesn\'t seem to matter, Now that you\'re alone in the dark. ------------------- Sweat drips off my cold body, The dead eyes stare away, Into the darkness, Where I find you, In the confusion I stray, Blinding impairment of light, Memories that aren\'t there, Past I can\'t find, All just lost as I once was, Cloud linings and birds whisper, Nightness falls and I am there, Again I stare into your eyes, Just in the darkness repealing voices, Sweet nothings in my ear, Of the lost and the empty affairs. ------------------- The king comes to me, With pleads of insanity, Of things I should\'ve done, Being here to kill you, Slay your body, And take your soul, Feeling the departments, Of your heart to will, Blood all over me, The knights dream, Sad songs and nights, I couldn\'t be here, Beside you I wept, For things I did, And for the lost memories, You stole from me, The past you blew, Away in the wind, Lost in the woods. 9/18/04 Take me now, I don\'t need this abuse, The plot gets thicker, In someone else\' shoes, Memories take me farther, Then you could, Try harder to make it, The better it gets, The more you want it, Heart beats faster, When you wait. 10/3/04 On the corner I stand, Looking for you, Imagining your glowing eyes, In the darkness, Under the street light, The haze of smoke all around, The town is dead at night, No one is moving, Nothing can be seen, Only lights of houses in the distant, Loneliness assumes most of us, Waiting around to be saved, To the next it seems like forever, But only when the moon shines down, Erasing faces of those who see, Being there as everything fades away, Right under you as I stand, Here as I find you standing next to me. 10/5/04 \"World is Doomed\" Between the lies and betrayal, Comes hope for a better tomorrow, For today is played out and dead, So if only for one day we can dream, Only one day that we need to pretend, For the end won\'t come silently, You run astray with your thoughts, Desire, lust and envy, Power your judgement, You can\'t rule the world thinking that way, Only we can stop the war, Not with wishing it was or pretending, It doesn\'t work anymore, Hasn\'t work since we were kids, Don\'t try it now we need opinions, Suggestions won\'t work unless you do it. Crosses burning the holes in the ozone, Killing us one breath at a time, For we only hope that heaven\'s real, To be rewarded or discarded for the damage done, Daily doses of scripture and praise, Can\'t we just believe and forget our opinions, How we can\'t believe if we don\'t understand, Why is it such a hard concept to grasp, For those uneducation means you don\'t have to know, There is no need to know when you\'re following behind, I\'m 299,000,000,000 in line of 300,000,000,000, So stand in line with me as we follow these believers, Nothing fancy when you die, Stairs or a dark pit with fire, Believe what you will, Everyone will see the truth when we die. Thoughts drip away like evil rabid dogs, To destroy your value of mind, Doesn\'t matter how much you say, How right you are if they don\'t agree, They\'re always right and your stuck, Old sayings are fables dying away, Televison really rots your mind, And there\'s nothing left to do, But sit in a room without thinking, No education is needed for today, Opinions don\'t matter to them, You\'re believing in God you don\'t need to speak, If you\'re not you\'re wrong and shouldn\'t speak, You don\'t matter to society, You are only puppets to be controlled, Thinking for yourself is a sin, Don\'t wrong yourself below for no reason, Be nothing you can\'t be and you\'ll live forever. 10/5/04 \"Unknown for a reason\" Some things are kept unknown for a reason, Choices are things you debate about, But in the end you are put down for, Believing in God is more important than living, To some its the only way to go, To others its the only way not to follow, The way the world is now is pitiful, Its dying away and no one notices, Can\'t you just enjoy words, Even if they mean nothing to you, No matter how much you try, This world will not allow people to be different, So just hang up your good shoes, And throw out your collection of priceless things, Rebelling isn\'t when you don\'t believe, Not believing is because you think for yourself, But you\'ll never be respected for it, So give up now that you think you\'re ahead of the rest, Because they have you beat and you\'ll never win, Its you against the world, They don\'t want to lose to someone like you, You should just pretend to be perfect if nothing else, Why do you have to argue, You know that we\'re always right why do you try, Everything in the future might be against the law, Like no low-rider jeans and no same-sex marriages, They\'re out to destroy the unique individuals, And only the different will suffer, For our crimes of thinking for ourselves, And trying to be different than everyone else, So give up now be like everyone else, Believe in god you know he\'s up there watching you, Don\'t even look at the same-sex because its wrong, Vote for the war and die fighting for your country, Don\'t state your opinion about anything, Let others think for you, your mind doesn\'t work right, Choose to die if someone wants you to, Wear only what others wear, Be the same as your neighbor and nothing can go wrong. 10/5/04 We all close our eyes, For we do not want to see, Not what they do, Not what they\'ve done, We don\'t care enough, To rip away the crimes, Of a lost soul, Waiting to be judged, Pretend nothing\'s wrong, That everything can be saved, When do you realize, Nothing\'s to be saved, In the dying world, Wrong will be done, As long as we\'re alive, Just turn away, So they can stable your back, A clear shot to betray you, Dirty little minds of youth, Disobeying all that can be, Laws and rules meant to be broken, For they mean nothing now, Chaos has the world, In it\'s grip along with non believers, We\'re all doomed forever, If we don\'t change right now. 10/14/04 \"Unbreakable Perfections\" Childish ways that I\'ve lost, Ideas I have now, Ways I used to make myself suffer, Past so broken and damaged, All have been distorted, By you coming into my life, I thought it would take forever; For all of the past to be erased, For all the changes I\'ve made, In just the right order, Just the right time, Everything is perfect now, No defaults or false hopes, Now that you\'re here; To take away the pain, Of everything I\'ve faced, Negative thoughts down the drain, Of uncertainty and destroyed images, These things I forget when I\'m with you, You hold so tightly I can\'t fly away, Into the sun where my wings melt, I can\'t fall because you\'re there to catch me, Perfection in things that have been broken; As I have so many times, I know what giving up is like, But I can\'t give up now, Not when everything is untouchable; By hands meant to break, Things that are so fragile, Nothing can break us apart, Not when I\'m so in love with you. 10/18/04 About Dean\'s Father What you see is not real, To love someone, When your image of Love has been distorted, To keep on in all of this, Confusion that takes us down, Wonders of a better life, Wanting it all to survive, This fight of life and death, Meaning of it all in this, To understand more, I can\'t find a way to see, Its foggy in this dim light, I can\'t show contact, Emotions are not allowed, Only if you knew me better, Connecting patiently, And waiting to be expected to, Never taught right from wrong, Its all of his fault, Should learn his lesson, Can\'t I just cut him away, Entirely killing what he made, The both of you deserve better, Nothing can replace the lost years, The phone calls of promise, Rules broken and lies created, Depending on your every move, You wander around trying to be quite, And you hear it all, Broken and alone from this world, God\'s plan distorted by betrayal, Toxic candy and no guilt, Ruling his mind and rotting his soul, For you can I take this all away, Coming to save you at my arrival, Please don\'t beg for me to listen, I am here holding you away from the pain, Being your shoulder for your soul, Give me your hand I\'m here begging, For you to come away with me, To love in peace with no lies, Let\'s just walk away from all of this. 10/24/04 \" Magic Light\" There in the light I lay, Placing everything perfectly, Wondering how happiness is possible, Not knowing anything else like it, Losing nothing we\'ve shared, Every day loving each other more, Innocent thoughts of us, Discussing our feelings late nights, Night has come and I\'m there, Sitting where you watch, The light glows around me; From the cracked door, You see all of me here, I am open to you, so take me, Together we take light farther, Never feeling like this, I lay on top of you, As I float away with you, Seeing it all through eyes; Of the person you are now, Calming the soul with freedom, Coloring those with envy of our love, Pure and beautiful as the sunrise, In the light I lay. 10/17/04 \"Drunken Nights\" Forget what your don\'t understand, The smell is no relief; No explanation to what I was, Nothing feels the same; With the taste of vodka on your breath, It doesn\'t mix well with the cigarettes, The tears come; When the morning arrives, Drinking helps you forget; Everything that went wrong, As you lay there closing your eyes, Trying to forget it with a glass of gin, Those pills you found don\'t mix well, The hard floor starts to feel soft, You\'re soaked with water from somewhere, There where the eye liner is smeared, And you don\'t even know yourself, Your mirror image isn\'t you, Fake smiles get you through your day, Wishing you still could dream, Sleepless nights and drinking binges; Rule everything that you\'ve made yourself, Being what you never wanted, Only to break down more often, Forgetting everything good, And escaping from everything bad. 10/30/04 \"Dreams-More like nightmares\" My dreams tell me everything, Of how trusting you are, You and her I see, What have I done, I don\'t deserve this from you, I love you with all of my heart, But thank you for letting me see you, For who you really are, Just a cheater, liar, and pretender, I run away from your bed, The bathroom razors are kept, I hope you will just follow me, I wait for you then I do it, Sliting my wrist I bleed for you, You don\'t even see my pain, I don\'t think you realize who I am, With my bleeding wrist I come for you, The knife in my hand you\'ll bleed too, I love too much to hurt you, So I just let you finish up with your sex, Then I get out of the dark, The blood is pumping so fast, Just kill me now, Since I know everything from a dream; I had. 11/26/04 \"Revenge for Our Hearts\" I just showed you off to my friends, They all laughed and said, How could anyone love him, I simply told them b/c of your past, I felt quite sorry for you, Don\'t you see it was all a game, I used you before you used me, See how fake I can be, For you hate me now, Everything I did for your; Own good, To make you fall in love and cry, Just how I\'ve done, I wanted to get back at someone, And I got revenge with you. 12/14/04 \"The World is Something Else\" I can remember when I wouldn\'t smile, I knew it was there somewhere, I couldn\'t manage to be happy, I tried to make others happy also, Nothing worked to make me laugh, Not jokes or even my friends. Now I can\'t stop laughing, I stand in front of them acting this way, I enjoy living and everything feels perfect, I\'ve never quite grasped why, I just know that I am finally happy, And relaxing in my world of gifts. I no longer think of the past, Unless it\'s to say this is better, I want to live for right this second, Not sweet tomorrow or silent yesterdays, Not broken dreams or desired wishes, Only truths, enjoyment, and laughs, No more tears I cry for anyone, No more cuts to my body, Only smiles, good days, and a scarless face. Radiant beauty and calmness, Waiting for a future with you and I, We can rule the world, Taking away all the name calling and stares, We hold hands in the cold and we don\'t dare think, Everyone has seen nothing, They\'re not looking as I think they might have, We cuddle around friends and kiss good-bye, We\'re laughing and having a great time, I\'m not thinking of anything but the moment, The moment that I\'m with you and the world stops.

Chapter 16-Thinking about Love