ADD ME AS YOUR FRIEND ON MYSPACE!!!! already x dead please please....pretty please?

his name is becks after david beckham... this bitch rams and kicks. hes a pain in my royal ass.

im a little pissed cause my sister who only turned 10, got $400 for her birthday. oh well. um, nothing much has been happening, home is still hell. for now thats all i really have to say. oh and check out myspace: http://www.myspace.com/alreadyxdead

yea i havent written in a while. sorry. ive just been confused and so forth. life at home is ok, mom is gone to work every morning, dad leaves in the afternoon, so yea its goes on forever. yessy came over my house yesterday to invite me to her party, so we hung out. its pretty cool. she told me some stuff about how james left to nica yesterday and how his girlfriend is pregnant because of him. i mean i told him if he fucked her shit would happen, b ut whatever i wish them luck on their relationship. i'll talk to him when he gets back. me and alexis are good, his birthday is coming up and im buying him some stuff, so that will be nice. but its funny cause this summer is so messed up, i hope next year drama happens between us all. why?.....we need some drama, especially sophomore year. freshman year was fun but sophomore year has to be better. i was looking at the stupid myspace thing that tansie told me to get and ive noticed something. no one is ever the same. people change. i mean in middle school, in the 6th grade i was actually happy. my best friend at the time was cynthia. i moved into 7th grade and me and cynthia barely said hi anymore. my new best friend ended up being paola. again, me and her never talk. and then eigth grade came.... a year when my life changed forever. i was best friends with karin and tansie. we three were insepreable. except for the fact that karin was always with the preps and me and tansie were outcasts. i didnt mind because we three were so close and we could always laugh together. but i dont know what happened. i mean that summer was one of the worst summers in my life. and then highschool came. i went my way they went theirs. ive become more depressed, more violent, more self centered to the point where i always want to be alone. i dont want to talk to anybody. i dont know what happened with tansie and karin. but if your reading this....yea i miss you guys but i know it will never be the same. its like all trios, you have the achiever which would be karin, the hyper one which would tansie and then the one that has all the problems... which would be me. i know its sounds retarded that im writing and no one here knows what im talking about but i started this stupid diary to write things in. and thats what im doing. all i have left to say i guess is, i wish you guys the best of luck in the future. maybe one day when we are old and have kids we can look back at eigth grade and see how great we really were. now we can just hold our breath and keep walking. im sure their happy, they still have each other. me...i have nobody. all my friends here dont understand me, their so different than i am, yet they love me like everyone else. what im basically trying to say is, appreaciate your friends, because some dont last for long... please dont cry for i am here to wipe away every single tear i'll be here to hold your hand because life didnt go the way you planned someday soon your smile will shine you'll move on and you'll be fine but until that day is today i'll be by your side to stay

nothing new.....yea well thats a LIE. ive been so depressed lately and its just been so frustrating. i mean my parents are confusing me to the point where i dont want to be around them anymore. my dad's phone broke...he sat on it... and so its hard to reach him whenever he needs to be reached. i know thats pissing my mom off. i dont talk to him, cause theres nothing for me to say to him anymore. my mom is going through some emotional rollercoaster and is dragging me along with her. my parents say their going to divorce one day and then the next they seem unseperable. my sister dosen't seem affected by it which is good, but its harder for me. my mom says she has a hard time making friends...i mean shes 35 and yea its harder at that age but shes not even trying. my friends are all wack. i dont think i have one true friend. i dont think ive ever had one. i mean, me and jackie are just completely different. shes more of a prep and im more of a skater...meaning i have more of that kind of attitude. so i dont really like people like her. and then everyone else just drifts away from me at one point or another. either way, home is just not to good right now. and i feel it wont be for a while. my senior year [im in my sophmore year] im going to california, which is far far away from here [im in florida] and i can just leave this past behind. i know if my parents do divorce, it will be harder for me to go but i know its better for me if i do. me and alexis turn 4 months today. hes been basically the only good thing in my life right now. and i love him so much for that. but whatever....i see from all the other diaries ive read...im not the only one with these problems... look at this [it might cheer you up, the way i cheered up]:

man, these past weeks have been crazy...finals are here and in a few school is over.... oh well look at what i have: this is us [my soccer team], im in there....i kinda labeled it by writing "me" right under where i am. lol. man we all look retarded. i like this one: i love these girls.....

man, its been a while since ive written. ummmm, yea last day of school sucked. at first it was gloomy, so whatever and then we decided to go to mr.millers room and then to partons. but parton kicked me out, so we stayed in miller. then we snuck into room 93 and stayed there the rest of the day, which was fun. i was with catherine and ana the whole time. which was cool. me and catherine are such good friends. jennifers 15's were yesterday and i went. it was pretty cool. everyone looked so nice including me =) everyone danced, even me but i dont dance reggaeton so much so i was really bad, but whatever, no one complained. i think....lol. um i saw THE LONGEST YARD...its really good. go see it. its worth it. um, for now thats all ive got to say.....

oh god where to begin.... i got so pissed off this week at my parents that i cut again and i just got so furious that i forgot to hide it and my mom saw the new cuts. so now she threatened me to go see a professional and told my dad. they say their "worried" and that im stupid for doing that. but i took it as a good opportunity to tell them that im getting really pissed at them and that they are making me do it. which is true. so now they are looking at me differently and i guess maybe now they'll think about how i feel before pushing it to the limit. the bad thing was that i promised myself i wouldnt cut anymore because the scars would stay and because alexis dosent like it and neither of my friends do. my friends and alexis are probably the only reason why i live. either way, i was at school on friday and alexis said he had to talk to me and so he said he was worried about me, he too saw the cuts and so he told me to tell him but i started crying and then he started crying and i dont know but i felt like just grasping that moment and just replaying it over and over again he told me he cares about me and dosent want me to do that and also not that long ago he told me he loved me but i never thought he really meant it cause hes only said those words twice. but either way, after that moment happened i think im starting to love him, but i just cant say it. i dont know why, but i cant say it to anyone. its an issue i have to work on we had a soccer tornament on saturday [yesterday] and we played 3 games. however we were at the park from 8 am to 4 pm so we spent basically all day there, just me and my soccer team. man was it fun. we wont the first game....however i was benched but being a bench warmer is so damn fun. so i didnt mind. me and jeanne were acting crazy, but hey who cares. then we played the second game a few hours later and we lost. i started that game and just when i was getting into it, medina took me out and i didnt play again. bastard, it wasnt my fault, no one was passing the ball to me and when they did it was me against the goalie and dammit shes allowed to use her hands. moving on it was about 3 hours that we had of freedom before our last game started. this was fun as hell. there were water fights, moshpits, physical abuse and so forth. but it was fun. we lost our last game because one the field sucked, two the coach was screaming like crazy and three again no one was playing like they were supposed to. so whatever. but yea that was my weekend.... oh look at what i made: yea thats me in the background.

ana is going out with some ugly ass motherfucker who is ugly, is a pervert and is fucking ugly. i swear he will actually break a mirror. but either way today right after school, i found out HE is cheating on HER. first of all, shes my cousin so i will kill that bitch for hurting her. ive been trying to tell her, but she wont answer her phone. either way, i will kill him. but the fucked up part is, how the hell can he get another girlfriend?!?!?!?! i mean it when i say he is ugly as fuck. but i digress. um, me and alexis we are ok now cause i dont know, i feel we are kind of seperating slowly but its like whenever im with him, i dont want to let him go. ok, um in the mornings he's with his friends and im with mine. i might see him when we cross paths to get to class but lately we havent. um, then its lunch. i eat and then i look for him. then we walk spend time together, sometimes alone, sometimes with his friends. depends on the mood. and then i might see him afterschool, if his bus hasnt left. and then i get home and i dont talk to him until he calls me. ok, now the chaos. i was talking to tracy about it and she starts asking me all these questions about how far we've gotten. she started asking me about if he asks me for head, if he forces me to do things..blah blah blah. so she thinks im an idiot for looking for him at lunch, and today told me not too and i got pissed cause its the only real time i get with him. i mean we barely go out in weekends and have barely been on any dates. so yea, thats the whole drama of my life. oh and about the progress report....i got a b in biology a in alegebra 2 honors a in ag c in enlgish 1 b in history b in pe i was surprised.

life has been good so far. some stuff has happened and so forth but nothing really big per say. or however you write that. but you know what i mean....i hope. so i took the lamb test...really easy, but the record book part was a pain cause it consisted of so much math. and i hate math. ITS THE WORST SUBJECT EVER and you know it. plus im really bad at it. um, progress reports come out tomorrow. lets see in biology im doing good [a], math im doing ok so luckly a [c], in ag im doing awesome [a], in english im ok so maybe [b], in world history im so damn lazy and im always skipping so maybe [c] and for pe [f] because that bitch teaches me about old schools and old methods of learning and has nothing to do with pe. i mean she taught how to stack cups as a team sport.....come on. what the hell was that. but shes retiring this year. um steer test tomorrow. i might do good, really good cause alexis got a copy of the test and he already took the test and um, hes giving me all the answers so i might do really good. i was freaking out though cause i didnt know what to do, i was about to quit but hes helped me alot. OH! i almost forgot.... i convinced my parents to get my tounge pierced and they said yea. but i went to the doctors and their like, oh we might need to take out your tonsils. so im like ok, but they said i need to wait an extra year so that i can get my tounge pierced. ok, since im not in a hurry to get it, its no big deal. even though i highly doubt that my tonsils will be coming out, cause im too old for that. so my mom...yes my mom insisted i get my nose pierced instead. i said no cause i really dont like nose piercings, they seem too awkward or maybe its just a thing i have, i just dont like it. so she said i could get my navel pierced. awesome. i said yea and as soon as school finishes im getting it. and since we were on the topic of piercings, i made a highschool map of the piercings im getting. for ninth grade [this year] im getting my navel pierced. for tenth grade, near the summer, im getting my tounge pierced. for eleventh grade, again near the summer, i want my eye brow or my lip pierced. depends which i get which will determine what i get for the end of my senior year. THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL WAITED FOR i need help on choosing which kind of ring i want on my belly button. i like this one only because it looks nice, but i think its too girly. it would be better if the diamond was alot darker and instead of a moon and star it could be like something more gothic i guess: i like this one because...[well its self explanitory]: i like this one because its just cool: this one is probably one of my favorites: and this one just caught my attention: so yea, there ya go. um you can comment on anything in this entry. and pleas if you can, let me know of more suggestions of rings.

man o man..... alot of shit lately. to begin with, my parents are confusing the hell out of me because now they say their just going to give it a second try and that they are just friends. however yesterday they were holding hands and kissing like a god damn happy couple. god i hate this. but whatever, i gave up with them and i just dont want to deal with it anymore. im not getting involved anymore and if they want me to be involved im going to say hell fuck no. ok, um me and alexis are ok. i only see him at school, so that limits the time i spend with him. roughly 20 minutes a day i guess. which sucks cause i really like him but hes confusing me too. i mean, lately all he likes to talk about is what were going to do in the time. but whatever, hopefully this weekend we can go out and do stuff lol. hmmmmm...."stuff". man im active. ok um the good thing about today was that we started testing for next years animals. next year im getting a state lamb, a county steer and breeding stock. let me explain for the state lamb, im either getting an ewe [girl] or ram [boy] and competing with it at the tampa fair, broward fair and miami dade county fair. so im excited about that. and then for the steer [castrated bull], which i REALLY want i compete with only in broward and miami. and then breeding stock....is getting a cow or a calve [baby cow] and we halter break it [tame it with a halter...sorta like a collar and leash] and show it. today we took a test to see if we could handle it and i got je-anne. its a small heifer [female calve] and omg shes such a bitch. when i tired to grab her she would run, and when i did catch her, she yanked me, pushed me against the fence and literally dragged me. i fell on my ass so many times, but damn it was fun. and then in the arena, i did good cause ive seen the shows before and so yea mr.parton was impressed meaning i have a high chance of getting my steer and breeding stock. ok um, je-anne sorta looks like this, but its not her: um...you might at this point think i live on some sort of farm.... I DONT im in a high school with vocational programs...and the one im in is agriscience. im studying to be a vet and so this is the way i get my expirience. ºx-later

ive been extra pissed off lately. parents decided to offically split and are going for the divorce. so its big on me. i mean i have enough problems as it is so yea this just pisses me off even more. but the part that pisses me off the most is that my mom is suffering alot. and it hurts me. my dad is moving out in the weekend and so yea, then by the end of this week its the paper work. i cut in first period today, twice. it helped me realize that yea this world is just so damn unfair. i didnt want to cry anymore, so i decided to bleed instead. i told yessy and she choked me, but she understood why i did it, i told tasha cause shes been through it, i told ana cause shes also been through it and i told alexis ofcourse and he started to worry but he didnt get mad and made me feel a little better. and during 5th james and javier made me laugh by joking around but they dont know why i did it. ill eventually tell james though. i love this song i read this lyrics from a song i like, they also made me feel better....in an odd way. Drowning in misery The nightmare began when you closed the door You sat in your angry chair and just tried to be you The needle became your queen The drug had become your enemy And music was just a way for you to bleed if anyone has been through a divorce, please give me tips to get through it. please. thank you.

ahhhhhh....... so many things have happened lately. first of all and most importantly....me and alexis are great. i cant stop thinking about him. we are so damn good. he gets me, i get him, we always want to be together, we are always talking and yea, hes just awesome. moving on...umm SOCCER....thats going pretty good. my team has like 16 girls...not bad but most of them suck and we suck when we all try to play together because we are all good and we are all ballhoggers. i know im one. im proud too. yea some ugly ass kid at school, thought i was hot. im like eww. cause this dude is ugly as hell. man he creeps me out. today in p.e we had a few fitness tests...that sorta crap and my results were [drumroll]..... pushups: 19 per minute mile: 9 minutes sit ups: 35 per minute the rest werent important. but i did good for a girl on those tests.... im bored...ask me something.

yes....i feel caffeinated. i keep burping.... anyways, past week was ok. sunday was really cool i had fun. monday was ok and tuesday was very sick. i will explain: sarah as well as know has a retardation problem....literally. she was born deffective in her brain. so i dont blame her for what she does [hits people for no reason, talks too much, annoys the shit out of me, makes me want to punch her...etc] so me, roger, alexis were talking and she comes out of nowhere [as usual] and screams out something really loud. i mean REALLY loud. and roger told her that we werent 5 miles away, we were right next to her. the thing is, i got affected by her screaming. as soon as she screamed i felt a pain go across my brain and then my vision got blurry to the point where i went blind. i went blind yea so i stumbled back and fell on the floor cause my head started pounding and everyone was just like asking me if i was ok or not and i was just there trying to figure out what the hell happened. monique took me to the first aid and then the fire rescue came. all i needed was sugar and water and i was ok. later that night....i felt dizzy so i just went to bed. i woke up super dizzy, fell off my bed, twisted my ankle, missed school, got some big as needle shot through my ankle and then today was forced to run a mile. so yea that was um my week so far. i have soccer today so we will see how my foot reacts.

WOW man, this past week has been so damn good yet so damn bad. ok so we had the lamb show on sunday...i was in the intermidiate class and i was against these two other people for showmanship and fitting and grooming. for showmanship i got 2nd place and for fitting and grooming i got grandchampion. i was so happy because i did really good and i was just so damn happy. i could have won showmanship if i smiled more but i didnt give three fucks about it. and then in market i won 1st place in my class and i won 3rd place overall. which is so damn good for my first year competing. in total i think for the trophies i won $150 but then theres blue ribbons and so i havent added that money yet. alexis was standing by the gate the whole time and i was just so happy that he was there for me. ok after that, um yea we were riding some of the rides at the fair. i collected 52 beads... and i got like 4 cups but i lost 2...damn thats $10 down the drain... and during my competion i had to wear my jacket... i love this damn jacket because it has my name on the front and because its just so damn cool. go FFA! ok so um yea the rides were fun...alexis got to feel on me which didnt feel bad but surprised the hell out of me. cause ok im not a slut or anything but like we were going on niagra falls and while we were going upwards he put his hand down the front of my pants and so yea, i didnt know he was going to do that but it didnt feel to bad. but anyways, um my phone fell off one of the rides and i got so scared but it still works. the sad part about this week was on thursday. it was the last day i saw my lamb. they took him to the feed farm where after he will be sent to the slaughter house and then off to publix. this sucks because i got so attached and he was my baby for 6 months. but i did sign a contract that i was raising him for market meat....but still it hurt and i was crying so much on the bus. but now i cant wait till i get my steer next year. a steer is a castrated bull or in other words a male cow with no balls. finally...... tomorrow is easter and me and alexis are going over lily's ranch and i hope we have fun there. HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY

ok so its saturday...fair started wednesday..so i have alot to say. on wednesday i got to school at 5 in the morning inorder to clean joe and feed him before the fair. we got there, set him up and yea its not that bad. on thursday we did the first ask me talk, turns out to be pretty easy and it was fun. i got alot of help from james, jennifer, ana and anthony. so today i have to repay them the favor, especially to james. yesterday, was the steer fitting and grooming. and alexis didnt win but rolando and ashley are in the run for first place. i hate parton omg, on the bus on wednesday i was sitting with alexis and mrs.k was on the bus. so there was a paper ball fight and whatever and then me and alexis got bored so he gave me a hickey and the damn bitch saw. she told parton and now he cant sit near me. FUCKBAG tomorrow is my show and hopefully i do good. i have a chance at winning everything, but lets just hope i do.

so the fair is coming up and i have to finish my record book and my ask me talk and my demo. for my demo im doing implanting and thats really nice.....im basically done with my rough draft for the record book crap where i have ideas on what to put but im not sure if its right or not. and for the ask me talk, i have no clue how to write my script cause i need to see an example first otherwise i dont know what to write. i have the pics except for a few but im basically done with that. um yea today i skipped 6th period cause 1.i didnt feel like dealing with hawkins 2.i needed to feed my lamb and 3.i wanted to spend time with alexis. ill probably get an admed from the office on thursday cause i can make my way through it. but yea like during lunch we tried to get past the security guards and they kept saying no and so we got so damn pissed but it was funny. so yea i had fun though. i got to fall on my ass, get harrassed by silvano and laugh about the whole thing. so yea that was a nice stress reliever from the nrt.... i swear, i fell asleep during the english part. why the hell do i fall asleep in the english part but not the math part. god. its like so damn wierd. oh well. the fair...its all there...the fair...BE THERE! ill be ok.

yea i feel stupid... ok well we lost our game today 1-0. we played so good and i played good. which was good. lol and so it was our last game of the regular phase. tomorrow is the all star game where spain and germany play together as one team versus usa and argentina which form another team. i think we will win cause our team has better defense and we can work out the forwards. but whatever the other team has a good chance too. the try outs for traveling i think will be during the game and people will be watching as well as judging us. great..... more pressure. i think the best part of today was after the game at the barbeque. i saw juan and diego. their cool people and we started playing. i felt wierd cause their so good and compared to them i suck but whatever i wasnt that bad. I HATE IT THAT I WONT SEE ALEXIS UNTIL WEDNESDAY. fuck, tomorrow my all star game interferes with partons timing so i wont go to school to see him, monday and wednesday is fcat so.....freshman have second lunch and sophmores have third lunch. and then on wednesday i see him at lunch, unless i go to the rat hole in the morning.....i dont know maybe.....

alrighty then...lately nothing really big has happened. me and alexis are getting better, now all i think about is him =] so yea um... oh i have try outs on thrusday for the traveling team and im so sure im going to make it cause its 5 girls from every team. and from my team, im thinking leslie, me, estephania, lilybeth and kelly. so yea i may have a shot. being goalie is hard they put me as goalie last saturday and we lost 3-0. 1 goal got past lily and 2 got passed me. i play as a forward...not a freaking goalie. so i did good and stopped many goals BUT when they made the first goal against me, someone decided to kick my hand and my thumb got dislocated. how nice... so yea and then i was so pissed i didnt realise these people were coming and before i knew it another goal was made. oh well... life is wierd

Oh My Fucking God i feel like an ASSHOLE. ¿why? because i just do. ok me and alexis are great i mean i feel so good when im near him. but like i dont know exactly we really are. ok so yea hes my boyfriend but i see him barely half an hour every day, i dont have his number, he hasnt asked me out for the weekend...so im really confused. im mean, maybe hes starts out slow in relationships or i just dont know. today yessy went to school for me cause i had no ride. and he was there and i didnt see him which made me so mad and sad and so on. and so i called yessy and told her to tell him hi for me and she did but she said he was pissed off or annoyed and im SUPPOSED to be there for him. ITS ALL MY DAD'S FAULT i would have been there for him if he didnt have to go to an emergency "meeting". i think its all bullshit. my dad always makes this damn excuses and is never home. my mom is mad cause she cant recognize him anymore, it puts more pressure on me and god i just hate everything.