grrrrrr. i have been eating soo much. im pissing my self off. the only reason im not throwing up is because it will hurt my girlfriend. damnit i just want to stick my fingers deep down into my throat &&gag till everything ive eaten comes out. its either throw up or dont eat. but its soo hard not to eat because i love food when im hungry. and tonight were having chicken cheesey alfradeo and gaaaaaah why does staying thin have to be so hard? altough i did find outim in a size 0! i havent been a 0 since like 7th grade! but im gonna go figure out what to do!

Today Started off so bad. Me &Rach got into a tiny fight. She said some pretty hurtful things i will not repeat. &last night she said something that has tore me apart. I cant forgive myself for making her say that. Gosh. But on a better note i got to see her today, &of corse i acted like i didnt care but oh man inside i was soo freaking happy to be standing next to her being able to hold her hand and kiss her lips. It was pure bliss. But she mentioned something about partying for new years. im not so excited about that. i dont know why. i just REALLY dont want her to but i dont knnow how to tell her im scared she will get mad or do it anyways. i dont know i just dont like her doing things like that. i cant stand it it rips me to shreads. i guess its because i really do care about her. A LOT. but i might up date this thing next month. later

My One And Only hey love. hows my wifey? well like always im missing you like crazy and yeah im on the phone with you rigjt now. were ok from our big argument..damn baby i hate when we fight like that. but thank goodness we always work it out. you dont know how much you mean to me. your always making me smile and i can be myself around you. all those things you tell me about us in the future...getting married & having a family....a nice house..yeah just things like that mean so much to me. it just shows that you really do want to be with me for that long and you really do love me. i dont ever want to loose you and i know ive said that to you a billion times and youve said it to me too. i just love being in your arms and i cant stand being apart from you. your the only one for me. ive never had a reason to be in this world but you changed that. when im not feeling wanted by friends or family i know i can always come to you & you will comfort me through everything. i dont know what i would do if i lost you. theres nothing i would change about you. i love you for who you are. your my first love and i never knew i could feel this way for someone before - until you came into my life. and i know i have done some really fucked up things and im soo sorry ive lost your trust and i hate my self for it i would do anything to have it back but i got what i asked for i did it to my self. everytime were together the second you leave my side i just somehow miss you. everytime were on the phone i never want to hang up..even if we are arguing. everytime we spend a day or night together i never want the moment to end. your the girl of my dreams. i can talk to you about anything. you are truely something special that i promise i will never let go of. ever. not even a million words can express how i feel for you. not a day goes by that i dont think of you and how precious you are. but just know no matter what im always going to love you. im keeping my promise and i know you are too. i love you baby and i always will. i have so much more to say but i just cant find the right words. i love you

im so stupid i annoy my girlfriend. and i make her feel like she has no space. i didnt mean too. i feel so embarssed and small i really never ment to make her feel that way. im just an idiot plain and simple.

Rachel Hunny.. i am going to write this entry for you because there are some things about you on my mind i would like you to know. you have been a very amazing girlfriend. i really dont even know where to begain. you are always uplifting me and making me smile. everyday a smile is brought to my face by you. you never cease to blow me away. you have a heart inside you that ive never seen in anyone else. the things you do for me (not just me other people also) is soo sweet. i never thought i would love someone like i love you i never thought i would want to do everything i can just to make someone smile. but with you i never want to give up. i just want to be with you forever. i want to be the one that makes you happy. i guess i can let you in on a little secret..friday at the game when i was soo pissed at you even when u thought i was mad in the bleachers..i wasnt because there was this one second where u looked up at me and this look on ur face and in ur eyes u had just made me melt..and i remenise about it all the time. even though i acted like i was mad and was being a stubborn brat inside i felt wonderful. baby i love u. theres no more to it. i love you. plain and simple.

well since no one knows/reads/cares about this journal site i think i can pretty much write what i feel which is like shit. i really dont think my girlfriend (rachel) knows how much love && care i feel inside for her. i dont think she knows that she is my world. the one person i live to see happy or laugh or smile. i try my hardest to make her happy. i honestly do. more than ive ever tried to make someone else happy. and im not saying that she doesnt apprechiate what i do for her because of the things she does for me. but i do things for her like send her cute little cards or txt messages and she never says anything about them. not one word unless i bring it up. i guess it just kind of hurts my feelings because i just want her to notice me or something i dont know im a very weird person. lately we have been talking about living together and being together and putting rings on one anothers fingers but what i dont think she knows is that im taking this to heart and if she were to put a ring on my finger and ask me to be with her forever that i would drop down at her feet in less then 1.2 seconds. ive become so close and formed so much love inside for her that i cant see my self living with out her. i dont want to. i dont ever want to lose her to someone else. her friend nita just came out to her that she was bi. ever since she found out that rachel was bi she has been showing more attention to rachel. which im not to happy about because i think she may have feelings for rachel. and its not that i dont trust rachel because she is one of the few people i trust with my life i mean hello i gave her my heart...its just that i cant step up and protect my self and say hey u know shes taken back off. her and rachel are going out for breakfest tomorrow which somewhat saddens me but im not gonna say anything to rach because she will just tell me that im getting up set over nothing but i not. shes not in that position because i dont do things like that to her. all of my friends know that im taken and dont have any room to be taken out on dates. they know they will get the ass kicked for even thinking about it. i dont know i just love her and dont ever want to lose her. i think im just gonna go to bed.

LA LA LA ♥ hm. well this weekand went by so SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW. oh my. it was horriable =(. rach && ash came down && we went out to high falls && sat on this rock thing. (me && rach finally have pics together!!) && rach got "grounded" and i couldnt talk to her barely at all. gaaah it killed me. she got me this beautiful beautiful necklace with a carm that says i love u. i am wearing it as i speak =). Y E S T E R D A Y . . . me AsH brandon && RiCkY hit up the movies. saw that emily rose movie. yeah def wont be watching that again. goodness i did not like it. that chick was fking psycho. we went to starbucks && ashley was nice enough to share her moca (sp?) something with me. it was yumtastic. then we walked across the street && ricky tried to do this backflip and i really dont know what he did but it was like the funnist shit ive ever seen in my life! oh my gah he was wearing abercrombie!!!!!!! thats so cool! i finally got my nails done =) yep french manicure. and my toes.....yippy skippy. and school is calling my name H O L L A

A S H L E Y N I C O L E R O B B I N S ur the most amazing best friend anyone could ever ask for ur a person who i can tell anything to, one of those people i can act my self with and still be loved for the crazy person i am. we have grown soo much together...if u know what im talkin bout back in 7th grade....but thats the past.u dont know how much u are a big part of my life. the amounts i miss you in are un believeable. you have been by my side through everything ive ever gone through anarexia,my cocaine addiction,suicide the hospitol EVERYTHING i wont ever forget the effect u have put on my life. i love u soo much and there isnt one thing i wont do for u! u helped me relize a lot of things i never saw before. when im feelin down and not feelin so gr8 uve always brought me up, brightned my day some how, not once have u screwed me over yeah weve had our childish arguements but it made our friendship stronger. you know that if u ever need a shoulder to cry on u KNOW im here and i will do everything i can to help u. i love u! BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

my whole life has changed Since you came in I knew back then you were that special one I'm so in love so deep in love you make my life complete you are so sweet no one competes glad you came into my life you blind me with your love with you I have no sight Verse 1 Girl you open me, I'm wide open and I'm doing thangs I never do but I feel so good, I feel so good why it take so long for me finding you this is my story and I'm telling you it's not fiction it's surely a fact without you right here having my back I really don't know just where I'd be at Chorus Veres 2 I analyzed myself I was buck wild never thought about settling down but all the time I knew I was ready but not with all my friends around but girl I put you first now you made me help mold me turned me into a man I'm so responsible and I owe it all to you Chorus Verse 3 God blessed me girl he was good to me when he sent you I'm so happy baby share my world I'm so in love I'm addicted to your love baby yeah that would be dedecated to le rachel

GAH im soo mad!!!!! this was the first day of school and ugh i already have a test in gov. 2morrow! && today in cinema i had to do a 200+ essay on buster keaten!!! grr i have : ++ cinema history ++ lit - writing with wisdom ++ history of christian music ++ alg. 2 ++ bio 11 ++ goverment && economics (um im only in 11h grade y i got those i do not know but im pissed!) well i dont have to take AP euro history which is ok i guess cuz i never wanted to take it in the 1st place. ~* A N Y W H O o O o O *~ rach ¢¾ came over yesterday and we watched grease && had lunch @ bk. it was pretty much the coolest thing ever! but i dont really know what to say cuz im in a pissy mood... EDIT // well now that im done with school im in somewhat of a better mood?? actully not really for some reason tonight im feeling depressed? but i know what about. i donno maybe im just tired becuz i did wake up really early and i did just watched a scarry movie? who knows! anyways.. i ran a lot today. but it felt good cuz i donno i was in a pissy mood? then i was like craving subway for 8 hours and finally got to go =) stopped by movie gallery...got a few movies -- guess who -- shes too young -- ring 2 -- some other movie i forget they probably all wont get watched but whatever..i didnt pay for em///alright well im on the phone with rach so holla??

oh my stars im going crazy i miss my babygirl sooooo fking much. really i know i say that all the time but i miss her more than anyone could ever imagine [yummie] im eating a chikfala biskut w/ cheese && a sweet tea! oh how i love chikfala...just about as much as i love rach...haha jk nothing comes close to that. im so sick of hearing about miss katrina. its reallly making me sad i turned on this channel and like it had all these messages from people who were missing there kids and i started crying. its so depressing what is the world comming to? who knows! oh yeah i found some pics that are from a long time ago...mostly inside jokes!!! *aha me & my sis had a good time with that movie on the way to tampa....haha* *ahaha me and ash had some funny times with those "thongs!"* *were so gangsteerrr! i miss ashiecole =(* *gaah i miss him he still has my earings!!!! 2 years now kid!!!* *HANNAHLEIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAH I MISS THAT GIRL SOOO FKING MUCH!!!!!* *ash && i BF43!* * aw christian && renie! ha me && that girl had some good times in 1st period....* *josh.....i miss him tooo!!!* *amber && rennie!!! 6flags el jallopinio nachos && cum .... ahhh* * tony i miss sk8ing with that kid =(* * my polka dot purse...that thing is hotter than ur face!*

H A P P Y L A B O R D A Y ♥ heh anyways i didnt do much of anything today. oh wait yesss i did i missed rach like a bunch of crazy mess!!! i just want to see her and hug her and rub her nose on my nose and just be with her. shes such an amazing person. im very lucky. my grandmother came down tonight she brought me this cake but it was like a barbie doll in the top and then the skirt was like the cake haha yeah i thought it was pretty hott. shes a sweetie i love her i donno what id do with out that lady. and oh my gaaahhh im so dissapointed in my self i cussed soo much today and i was doing soo good. i really REALLY wanna become a better person. sammiewammie came over and got in the pool i wasnt really in the mood to get in though so i just walked down to the trail to see who was there ... guess who was there....try NOBODY me and jim well scratch that the whole family got into this big fight today....i cried as ussal...psh i really need to stop that cuz he is not worth it but i just get my feelings hurt a lot but thenn the lovely rachel made me feel a little bit better and pretty soon i forgot all about it. well i really have to pee and i guess im going to wait on rachel who i miss more than anyone to call me holler ♥

Too beautiful for words When I try to describe How I feel when you hold me I get butterflies I hear lullabies It's hard to explain Like the scent of a rose Or the sound of the rain It's too precious and too wonderful to give it a name Chorus: Too Beautiful For Words A symphony inside me Too Beautiful For Words I cannot take them lightly Can you hear my silent heart It's on the tip of my tongue But my lips are still Only violins and their many Can show you how i feel And i hear them again At the end of the day I'm all teary-eyed When we kiss good-bye There's nothing I can say Chorus Must be a million times I try to express this love of mine When it goes this deep When it tastes this sweet It's not easy to define Too Beautiful For Words A symphony inside me Too Beautiful For Words I cannot take them lightly

Where is your boy tonight? I hope, he is a gentleman.. And maybe he won't find out what I know: You were the last good thing about this part of town.. When I wake up- I'm willing to take my chances on The hope I forget that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you (for you, So) You Need Him .. I could Be Him I could be an accident but I'm still tryin And thats more than I can say for him Where Is your boy tonight? I hope, He is a gentleman.. And maybe he wont find out what I know: You were the last good thing about this part of town Someday I'll appreciate in value Get off my ass and call you In the mean time I'll sport my brand new fashion Of waking up with pants off at four in the afternoon You need him .. I could be him I could be an accident but I'm still tryin And thats more than I can say for him (1, 2, 3, 4) Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman maybe he wont find out what I know: You were the last good thing about this part of town (Won't find out ... He wont find out ... Won't find out ... He Wont find out) Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.. Maybe he wont find out what I know: You were the last good thing about this part of town.. (X 2)

ok rach is officaly like the sweetest person in this whole entire world. anyone who has her in their life better know there one lucky piece of dog shit cause i know i am! *anyways* ah oh my gaaaaahh my family is really starting to get on my nerves. everytime someone gets close to dying everyone starts freaking out about the will and whose gonna get what. there sooo ungreatful i mean um hello someone is in the fucking hospitol about to die thats like important and all ur worried about is money. god get a heart. urgh it just ahh it pisses me off. people really need to look beyond money..its paper with a number stamped on it. money cant replace the person you lose...whatever they can be like that but i just cant do it i actully have a heart....there soo much hate in this world and i cant stand it no im not the sweetest person to walk the grace of this earth but gaaah im not asking for things to be perfect but everyone always has to find soemthing to be hateful or dicitful about. just look beyond the flaws and the money and the color of peoples skin and enjoy the good things in life. if people wood just look beyond all that stuped shit i think we cood all get a long some what...psh i dont fucking know i just want some damn chikfala! but um yeah i was watching this thing on mtv and it had to do with highschool. ah the things that go on in high school. if you wear abercrombie your a stuck up bitch if your a cheerleader with blonde hair your a rich bitch if you wear roca wear your a gangster i mean DAMN people always judge you by what u wear or who you hang out with when reallly what does apperance matter? to me its about WHO you are not WHAT you wear or where you live or how much money you have. if you have a beautiful inside then we wood def get along...but the world isnt perfect and i cant change anything so i just need to get the fuck over it....WER5T83QU53TAWEKJFS;AODHGUDS ok whatever lol bye!

oh how lovely the past two days were no one will ever know. i spent them with my *amor*. of course you already know they were undescribable. luckily last night she got off early (which i think is very sweet) to come &meet my mom at some cheveron. then we went back to her house &laid in her bed while she annoyed me lol which i secertly loved. dont know what for but i did. then we got up real early 2day &hit up the one &only oh so spectacular six flags! got on i think just about everything. we even road the train lol. haha. then we went to arbys &ate. then went back to her house &laid on her bed. although i feel kinda bad because i just broke down in her arms. i tried to hold it in i really did but all that did was replay the accident over &over again in my head until finally i guess i started acting weird &she asked me wat was wrong &i told her &she was like just cry i know u want to &i coodnt help it i just broke out into tears. then she showed me some pics of where she was from &when she was a baby. which i thought was cool. i think it is reallly hot that she is from a different country. ive always thought that was cool about people who arent from here. then it was about time for me to leave &we started making out which lead to other things. things that mean a lot to me. i really do love this beautiful lady. shes such a wonderful person. everything about her is great. im really a lucky person to have the chance to have her here in my life &even have her as a gf! she means more than a lot to me &there isnt one thing i wont do for her in this world. but anyways im gonna go lay down because im tired as crazy mess <33

^^ oh how i miss that room and dancing on those desk's with the lovely brittany. =(

haha im not distraught i just saw that and thought about when my mom told me i was emotinaly distraught. but i think my correct mood would be normaall lol * anyways * its been the same ol stuff. missing rach &more missing her. oh how i love these afternoon tunderstorms. &i think my medicine is taking my commin sense away ;; seriously. i want a car. anyone car to donate? gosh im so sick of hearing//watching stuff about the warped tour. i want to fking go! damnit! i had all intentions of sleeping in today. guess what! i suppose the world hates me today. mother nature and your booming thunder. oh how i love thee rachel she is simply amazing. i think im gonna go do some studying...ha studying thats a first. <33 much amor <33

well the DAY was fabulous i spent it with rachel so you know there is no way of describing it. although it tore me apart to have to leave her. once im with her my heart clings onto her like shes paper && im glue. so its kind of hard to leave. but the NIGHT has been one of the worst fucking nights ive ever gone through i dont know how the hell i came out of it alive. ive cried my eyes out since 1000 pm && its now 741 am the next day. it was just really hard i didnt really have anyone to talk to && rach was at a party drinking so she was busy and ashley is out of town richard was at a party && i didnt have my cell. i really have never cried this much a day in my life. its soo insane. i just wanna hear rachels voice i wanna be in her arms i keep closing me eyes wishing that when i open them ill see her pretty face...but when i open them everything is the same...i dont know...

so i made a new one of these. i made one like a long time ago in 2003 and i cant remember the password! which really sucks cause that one was my fave. but anyways im going to CBC tonight to go to the show. im so excited cause i have`nt seen my nicole in forever and i always have soo much fun when we hang out. and then rach is suppose to come. gosh i like fucked up so bad yesterday i feel like the worst gf ever but i really dont wanna get into it. i really need to clean up my room because it is a big dissasder area i cant stand it. i hate being messy. ash is going out of town tonight. which makes me a little sad because she was supposed to go to cbc too! i wish we still went to the same school. elhs was much fun. wont ever forget the memories i had there. crazy crazy crazy. anywhore im going to get in the shower. holler <33