Everything just washes by me. I feel nothing, and all i see is a blur of colour. There is a point between awake and asleep, and i am in a constant state of it. Its unavoidable. Every movement I make feels so alien and forced. I've never senced such a feeling of Disatachemnt. I may as well be dead. Theres nothing in this useless mind of mine that would ever contribute to anything of meaning. I came home in scilence. again. I can't cry. Even if I want to, I physicaly can't do it. Im just numb. A feeling hightend by the hours in front of the coloured screan of a cyber world where i can be anyone and anything and i can leave me further and further behind. Nothing can wake me from this. except what my mother said....

Months passed. I’m still alive, the pills did nothing, And eventually, the depression they gave me wore off, and I went back to normal. Well, as normal as I can be. So we went back to the doctor, and I receive a referral for a physiatrists. Oh Joy. Turns out, just because you have a referral doesn’t mean its any easier to get in to see one. About 2 months later I finally see one. She’s old, and she talks a lot, but at least I don’t have to talk to much. She prescribes me something, a antidepressant, Lexapro. A week later I’m enjoying my false high from the antidepressants. But I don’t believe there actually helping, just, distracting me some what. But the false high wont last, it only stays for 2/3 of the day, and I get the feeling this side affect wont stay. Two weeks of taking them False high, no longer exists. And I’m feeling pretty crap. My great grandmother died two days ago. I’m not going to the funeral, I don’t know why, something just tells me not to. This guy asked me out, I haven’t really answered him, it’s quite complicated. He’s one of those guys you love, but you hate the fact that you do. Brings a new meaning to love hate relationship, or at least to my dictionary. I feel pretty shit, but the voices have settled down. Leaving my confusion and emptiness to roam free. What can I say. Maybe I was just born to be fucked over

Wednesday Just got home from the doctors, “migraine, yes, I believe that she might have a migraine that’s what’s causing these ‘visual disturbances’ go get these tablets, she must take 3 a day, 1 at midday and 2 before she goes to bed, they will make her drowsy, so if need be she can take all at night.” Bullshit, I knew very well it wasn’t a migraine. But the doctors always right “well just have a ‘trial run’” he said “take them everyday for a month or 2 and see how that goes” so I follow the quacks orders. Swallowing 2 of the sugar coated tablets before bed time. Bed time I’m feeling worse then ever. The closest to suicide I’d been for many months, occasionally twitching, my eyes wandering over to the little container holding the 97 or so tablets, wanting so much to swallow them all, but resisting my want to consume all the pills at once. I sit upright in my bed, eyes searching my room, falling upon the scissors on my bedside table, the dress making scissors across the room, and knowing very well where a few little blood stained blades were hidden in my room. My want to cause pain to myself was high, and the guilt that my mind was putting me though because I ate ½ my dinner was high, my head was telling me to through up, to starve my self, to hurt myself, to cut my self, to kill myself. I couldn’t help but listen to the voices in my mind. ‘No one cares.’ ‘There won’t be any difference.’ ‘What have you done to help them?’ ‘Nothing.’ ‘Your worthless.’ ‘You don’t even know who you are, so what point do you have?’ I lay shaking, and eventually I fell asleep, dreading the next day, not wanting to go to school, not wanting to be at home, not wanting to be around anyone, wanting to run away, but no where to run to. Everything was meaningless.

I walked down the street with an uneasy step. I couldn’t help but sense someone behind me, following me, watching my every move, and every time I turn they would hide, and I couldn’t see them. But I knew they were there. I walked faster, trying to get home quickly, and get away from. . it, as soon as I could. Hoping that the uneasy feeling that was taking over me wouldn’t follow me into my home. I unlocked the front door, and slammed the door behind me. I through my school bag on the lounge room floor, and ran up the stairs to escape to my room. Closing the door behind me, and closing the curtains. Making sure that no one could see me. But still I felt uncomfortable. Like there was someone else there. Someone sitting right next to me on my bed, in my space, and breathing my air. I hid under the bed covers. Hoping they would shield me from the people. The eyes watching me. I felt a little safer, but I was still in a state of panic, and my heart was still racing, and thoughts were still jumping through my head, un-controllably jumping through my head. . . And that’s when the echo began, voices of my friends started repeating my thoughts, and there was another voice, on that sounded evil. I didn’t recognise it. All I know is that it wasn’t good, and I wanted all the voices to leave me alone. So I can be by myself. All by my self. . . .

sorry, but im taking a break from that story for the moment. and a new one shall begin, i shall proably alternate between them

ok im actually going to try to wright a story now. hopefully ill get some readers ♥ alex

i have 2 readers if i have more please coment. feeling unloved here

A few days past, and the separation of Bri and Dylan was Obvious. But along with that the friendship between Bri and Nikki looked as if it was close to the edge. The stupid little snob Bri wasn’t too happy with how things were going. (Not her way) And the death stare that she was giving Jill from across the room, made Jill feel slightly uncomfortable, but happy at the same time. The “I have what you want (Dylan) and you can’t have him”, Kind of happy. It wasn’t Jill’s fault that Bri listened to her parents and dumped him. The flirting continued, and expanded to all 3 of them, Trish flirting with Dylan and Jill, Jill flirting with Trish and Dylan, And Dylan Flirting with Jill and Trish. This was turning out to become better that Jill had imagined. The last 2 days were spent together, Trish, Dylan, and Jill. Just having Flirting Fun. Jill on one side of Dylan, Trish on the other, His arms around their waists. Kinky biting fun with Trish and Jill. It was perfect. The corse ended, it was sad, but that’s why they invented e-mail. The fun times where not about to end, no way. It was to good to be true, And Jill wasn’t about to Let it go any time soon.

The next day was different to the first. Jill was not the only one to since the tension between Dylan and Bri. There was something that Jill didn’t know, and she wanted to find out. But for the day she kept her distance trying not to intrude too much into there life, Not today. Instead she talked to the weird girl, the cute one. Her name was Trish. She was cute, real cute. I guess its safe to say that Jill kinda liked her. But she still had her eyes on Dylan and nothing was about to remove them from him. The next day Jill found that there was still a lot of tension, but she went and found out what happened anyway. Our beloved Bri and Dylan had broken up. Oh dear how sad, oh well, to bad. This was basically an invitation for Jill, Even though it’s quite easily seen that she was flirting with him from the start. This was game on, and brought it to a whole new level of flirting. But the Evil stairs from across the room made Jill feel slightly uncomfortable, she didn’t care, it was Bri who did the dumping, it’s not my fault that she did exactly what her parents told her. But as it seams, Jill wasn’t the only one who was flirting just a tad. Our cute little Trish seamed to be flirting with Dylan too, but she wasn’t exactly ignoring Jill either.

Jill Waited in the playground of the old school, hoping that someone of interest would show up. Then Hanna showed up. (Hanna is her, best friends in primary school's steep brothers ex girlfriend. kinda confusing, I know) Hanna and Jill stayed together, trying to ignore the rest of the people. The group then moved off to where there class would be healed, down at the Warf. This is where they would meet for the next 4 days. They spent most of the day playing stupid "drama" games that didn’t have much peropus other that to get to "know" the other people. Of the whole class there were 4 people that Jill was half afraid of half attracted to, Bri, Nikki, Jack & Dylan. Nikki and Bri were best friends, and Jack and Dylan were good mates. But along with that, Nikki and Jack had been dating for 8 months, and Dylan and Bri had been dating for about 4. They were so cute together. Or at least that’s how it seamed. Jill’s attraction to the group grew as she got to know them better over time. Especially towards Dylan. But not at all towards Bri, Her princess ways just annoyed Jill to the point of hatred and jealousy, for she was the thing in the way between herself, and Dylan. But would the love between Our Dear Bri and Dylan last? Or would Jill slowly creep her way into his arms?

Standing in the playground of an old primary school, Jill stood, looking around at the people she would be spending the nex week with. It scared her, they all seamed so normal at the first look. Normal and scary. Not looking forward to the next 5 days at all. Normaly in a theatrer course there would be some more "weird" people. There was one girl though, she was pretty cute, and she was on the weird side. but One person wasent going to change anything, It wasent going to stop jill from Hating the fact that she had to choose this course.