I haven't written in this diary for a long time. Like months or something. Right now I'm watching the Surreal Life. I love it. I'm becoming a victim of the reality TV craze. Though I must say that I have been watching the Real World (the original reality TV show) for 10 years. I'm on the emotional rollercoaster again. It's hard to stop when you can't find the lever. And I kind of like it in a weird way. Like ragging emotions and heart pumping anger make me feel more alive then when I'm just mellow. I think I'm slowly killing myself with Ramen Noodles and The Golden Girls. It's like my special brand of cocktail drugs to fight loneliness. My soul feels stunted. I can't find a way to express what I need to. I'm crying out to family and friends but its like no one can hear me. Maybe that's just a line of bull. Maybe I just have a chemical imbalance. Maybe, just maybe, I don't have something horribly wrong with me. Later That Night... It's 1:23 am. I'm still up. I hate this. I'm an insomniac again. I keep remembering something that hasn't happened to me in this life. When I smell decomposing leaves or something really earthy I get this image of a bag or something being put over my face and smothering me. It's not a nightmare. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure if someone tried to kill me as a kid or what but it's so real that I know it happened. I lived with my grandma for a very short time when I was a toddler. It's a documented fact that she is crazy so maybe I was crying or something and she tried to shut me up. On the other hand, maybe in a past life I was murdered. That might explain the constant paranoia I seem to carry around. It's something to chew on. Do any of you have past life memories?