I thought it was over. I thought I'd finally moved past him. I'd come to terms with the faults on both sides and I was "ok". Then that conversation happened. And for once the weight wasnt all on me. And it felt like I knew him again. And now I'm totally lost. What do I do? I shouldn't want him in my life anymore. But I do. Why?

sitdiary has been "under maintenence" for as long as I can remember and now the damn thing is back. I logged in to find a specific post because I saved an old project in here when I was still in high school. Instead I got a flood of memories I didn't want. sigh. I hope that one day I'll learn not to be a douche anymore. That could happen right? Therapy is helping. I really wish I'd gone sooner. Christian insisted and checks up on me to make sure I go. His support is makin this less difficult... Sort of. I keep telling myself tomorrow will e easier than today. Fuck you, anxiety. Fuck you depression. One day I will be happy enough with my life that I won't need to lie to myself and everyone else to make it more interesting. I will. I fucking will. I swear. I just need to start seeing and believing in the good in me.

I want to scream but nothing comes out.I want to cry but there aren't any tears left.I want to hit the wall but I've already fractured my hand. All I want to do is run to him.But what do you do when the one person you want to run to is the one you're running from? I just don't know what to do. I love him with everything that's in me but the jealousy is eating me alive. This girl has done nothing to me but I want to kill her for whatever way that she looked at him that made him fall for her. Because I could never make him see me the way he sees her. I can't be near him right now. I can't handle seeing the look in his eyes that used to be because of me. I can't deal with the thought of him and her together. The way we were once upon a time. The way I hoped we'd always somehow be. Stupid girl, I should have known. It's not her fault, and I know that. But it doesn't make it stop hurting that I wasn't good enough. He's always been here for me through the hard times, and now I'm facing this one on my own. I feel as though I've lost him even though I know that isn't true. He kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. Told me not to take forever. He wouldn't say goodbye. It's not goodbye. Maybe this is what I need? Or maybe this will kill me. I've already had to stop myself from calling him crying upwards of 20 times. It's like a baby learning to self-pacify. I just sleep all the time. It doesn't hurt anymore when I'm sleeping. My phone background reads: "be strong". I'm not so sure I'm capable of that yet. I am learning. If you ever read this: I love you, Alexander. You aren't just a friend. You are my family. I promise you that I'll be back one day. I just don't know how long that this will take. Or if you'll even still want me when I return.

I never use this thing. It just sits here. Poor thing.

Get. Me. OUT OF HERE. All I want to do is move to New Brunswick and start my new life. I keep trying to restart and get myself where I want to be but I feel like this place is holding me back. Toms River, I loved you for the last 17 years, but now I just need to leave. I'm sorry. You'll always be my hometown but I can't stay here much longer. Same to you, New Jersey. But I'm giving you five more years.

I don't remember most of the beginning. I just remember surfing online and logging into Facebook. NEW NOTIFICATION: Alex Miller is now listed at "in a relationship" with ******** (some name my brain came up with.) And I was kind of like: "..what?" So I call Alex and I'm like: Me: "okay... what?" Alex: "what?" Me: "what's up with your facebook status?" Alex: "...oh. uh. yeah. we need to talk." M: "What. The. Fuck." A: "Okay, listen. I wasn't PLANNING on this happening." M: "No, fuck you. You said you didn't want a goddamn relationship right now, Alex." A: "I know, but..." M: "NO. BUT NOTHING. You fucking LIED to me. You could have told me straight up that you jsut didn't want a relationship WITH ME but you fucking go off and pull this shit. Are you fuckign serious?" A: "What the fuck is your problem. No, I can't talk to you right now." M: "No, Alex. You know what? Fuck you. Seriously. I can't believe you. You should have just told me the goddamn truth." A: "Whatever, Amanda. You knew you and I weren't going to work." M: "BULLSHIT, I DIDN'T!" A: "IT WAS SO OBVIOUS, ARE YOU SERIOUS?" M: "...I don't even know what to say to you right now." A: "Whatever, Amanda. Fucking grow up." M: "..." A: "Stop crying, no one gives a shit." M: "..." A: "Bye..." *phone clicks* M: "I love you..." Flash forward to like a week later. (I guess) Alex and the girl that my brain decided was his girlfriend were walking on the other side of the street from me while I was on my way to class (oh yeah, I was apparently in college...). He glances at me, shoots me a dirty look and continues walk. END.

WOOOH. It hasn't really registered yet. I do get those cool little zip-cord lanyard deals and my ID is red instead of black. I'm actually going to try in school this year. For serious.

I have decided after some consideration that the government is just going too far. It's out of hand and I for one am done with the bullshit. They are destroying the middle class and the American people are just standing by like cattle while the wealthy and the corrupt strip us of everything we work for. As the ethically and morally challenged sit high and mighty on their throne of corporate scandal and big business, we the people who created this so called "perfect union" work our fingers to the bone for little to no compensation. Instead, the benefits we should be receiving are given to those who are undeserving of it (i.e. inmates in jails across the country, inept politicians and those who chose to use their welfare checks to buy new stereos instead of supporting their families). It is time for a revolution. It is time for an uprising. It is time that we American people take back what is rightfully ours. No longer should we sit on the sidelines as our Bill of Rights is mangled and stretched into an unrecognizable sheet of notebook paper. Do not let everything our forefathers spilled their sweat and blood over be in vain. It is high time that we band together as one solid movement and show these tyrants that the working class WILL BE HEARD. It's time. "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson

That if I could vote in the upcoming presidential election, I would probably vote "no". And if that's not allowed then first of all: suck it, second of all: I'll vote for a write-in. James K. Polk sounds good. Fuck yes, dead presidents!

Okay, so I just feel a need to clear this all up. Take it for what it's worth. Agree/Disagree/Remain Impassive or Apathetic/Whatever. Here are my full and complete thoughts on teh subject: 1.) Earth has been through many ice ages and "snowball earths" and it's been through an equal amount of warming processes. Global warming and cooling is natural. As for the argument that it's "too drastic, too soon" who is to say that past global climate changes haven't happened this fast? Scientists can only estimate how long these effects took and when you're talking about period of millions and millions of years, estimation gets a little shady. The number 500 adn the number 50 are very far apart but in retrospect when you're working with numbers like one million, 500 is closer to 50 that it is to 1,000,000. The ice age may have happened in a day for all we know. Nothing is 100% accurate. 2.) We are getting better and better at doing the right things for the environment. Everything you see now-a-days is "green" or "environmentally friendly" and whatnot. Honestly, I don't believe our impact is that severe. the entire earth's population could stand outside with aerosol cans spraying into the sun and the global average temperature would not change. I'll pretty much guarantee that. 3.) In the last few years the global average temperature has actually DROPPED. The fact is that the global temperature of 2007 is statistically the same as 2006 as well as every year since 2001. Global warming has, temporarily or permanently, ceased. Temperatures across the world are not increasing as they should according to the fundamental theory behind global warming – the greenhouse effect. The period 1980-98 was one of rapid warming – a temperature increase of about 0.5 degrees Celsius (CO2 rose from 340ppm to 370ppm). But since then the global temperature has been flat (whilst the CO2 has relentlessly risen from 370ppm to 380ppm). This means that the global temperature today is about 0.3 deg less than it would have been had the rapid increase continued. For the past decade the world has not warmed. Global warming has stopped. It's not a viewpoint or a sceptic's inaccuracy. It's an observational fact. Does this get publicized? No, of course not. Too many environmental groups and trans-national bureaucracies, along with their lackies in the media, have too much invested in the biggest hoax of all time to admit that the game is up. 4.) If the Earth really wants to clean house and wipe out the entire lifeforce on the planet it will do so. The human race is just a finger-snap in existence. 5.) I find it far too convenient that if the weather is to warm it's "global warming due to greenhouse gasses" and if it gets too cold it's also global warming "because the polar ice caps are melting and lowering the ocean temperature causing lower land temperatures." So, no matter what they win? Well, what the hell? 6.) WAKE UP! THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO KEEP YOU IN A CONSTANT STATE OF FEAR!

I... have the best boyfriend ever. =]

Best 1. Male Friend: Alex 2. Female friend: idk 3. Vacation: Last cruise 4. Memory: idk Worst 1. Time of day: Morning 2. Day of the week: Monday 3. Food: brussel sprouts 4. Memory: We don't... Last 1. Person you saw: Dad 2. Talked to on the phone: Alex 3. Text: N/A 4. Messaged over myspace: Dan 5. IM'd: Derek Today 1. What are you doing right now? this survey 2. Wearing? jeans, sweatshirt 3. Better than yesterday? much 4. Did you see the person you like? no. 5. What's the weather? cloudy and mild. Tomorrow 1. Is: Thursday 2. Got any plans: School 3. Dislikes about tomorrow: School Favorite 1. Number: 75 2. Song: N/A 4. Season: Me gusta todos 5. Cartoon: Family Guy, probably. Currently 1. Missing someone: Yes 2. Mood: meh 3. Wanting: a cigarette 4. Listening to: my computer hum True or False I am a morning person: FALSEEEE I am an only child: true I am currently in my pj's: false I am currently suffering from a broken heart: false I can be paranoid at times: true I currently regret something that I have done: true I curse frequently: true I curse when I'm mad: true I enjoy country music: true I enjoy jazz music: true I love smoothies: ehhhh I enjoy rock: true I enjoy hip hop: false I enjoy techno/trance: true I enjoy talking on the phone: depends I have a hidden talent: false I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal: true I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy/girl: false I have all my grandparents: false I have at least one brother and/or sister: false I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor: true I have changed a diaper: false I have changed a lot over the past year: true I have done something illegal: true I have had major/minor surgery: false I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months: false I have had the cops called on me: true You Single or Taken: taken Eye color: greenish today Height: between 5'5" Righty or lefty: ambi Can you make a dollar in change right now?: yes Musical talents?: kinda Athletic: noooo Can be a good bf/gf: I try my best. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- FAVORITES Kind of pants: jeans Animal: *shrug* Drink: Bailey's w/ caramel

Dear Reader, What you hold before you in your hands is the English translation of the diary of Mr. Bartlomiej Jan Krawiec, a Polish immigrant who came to America in the early 1930’s before the beginning of World War II. This diary has been passed down three generations. It documents a year in his life and the struggle for a new future. For as long as his account of his journey is preserved, Bartlomiej lives on. Keep his legend alive. This is his story: Summer 1930 July 12, 1930 Today is my 35th birthday. As a present, I have been given this journal from my youngest, Michalina. I really have no use for such things but I feel obliged to make do. My name is Bartlomiej Krawiec, second son of the tailor Dominik Krawiec. I am the first of my family’s men to stray from the tailoring profession. I own a farm in Olsztyn area of the northern region of Poland where I live with my wife and three children. I have been married to my wife, Marta, for seventeen years. Our oldest child is our son, Dominik, named for my father. He is thirteen. Then there is our oldest daughter, Irina, who is twelve now. And last of course, our youngest, Michalina who will be turning nine next month. I have no idea when I will next be writing in this diary of sorts. Perhaps if I have some quiet time in the coming few weeks… July 23, 1930 I am worried. Despite the surplus we had produced early in the year, even combined with our neighbors’, we are struggling to continue. Prices are falling rapidly and we are running low on food already. We have slaughtered two of the cows, including our prized bull, and a sow. The corn crops are not finished and won’t be until August but with the demand we have begun to pick them early. They are small but a man may pay well for small corn when no one else is offering. This depression is taking a toll on everyone. I don’t wish to know what’s going to become of Michalina in the days to come when we begin to take the chickens. She really enjoys playing with them in the pen. August 2, 1930 The corn is gone, the wheat is gone, the barley is gone. We have two bales of hay left for our single cow and feeble calf. We have one boar that is going out to slaughter on Tuesday. The chickens are gone and Irina tried her best to explain to Michalina that they will not be coming back. Michalina has stowed herself up in the loft and hasn’t come down for dinner in two nights. Dominik has rebuilt the old shed in the back. He has quite a knack for construction. He says he wishes to be an architect. In this depression, I am not sure Marta and I can afford him schooling. I must speak with her tonight about leaving the homeland. We are running out of options. August 5, 1930 We are leaving Olsztyn. The family has discussed this at length. We are losing too much land. We do not have the crops to make the money to keep our home. Without land, we are nothing. It is time to leave for a new land. We will sell the rest of our property and leave for America. Once all of our affairs are in order we’re going to pack out bags. Dominik and Michalina seem excited. Irina has resorted to storming around in a huff over having to leave her friends. Marta… well, Marta doesn’t seem to be phased by anything. August 11, 1930 It is Michalina’s 9th birthday. We could not afford to buy her presents this year. She understands. Marta sewed a new party dress from scraps of her old ones for her. She was thrilled. August 22, 1930 It seems as though we will be delayed in our departure. Marta’s mother is ill and she refuses to leave her in her current condition. I just hope we have the funds to sustain ourselves until she is well enough for us to leave. August 25, 1930 The doctor says it’s a sever bout of pneumonia. We aren’t sure if she’ll make it through. We have sent our prayers. Now we wait. August 26, 1930 She is only getting worse. August 30, 1930 Marta’s mother passed this morning. I have found solace in the loft where I am writing this now. Marta and the girls are in the den with family. Dominik is out walking down to the old lake. I can’t get a read on him. I’m not sure how he’s taking it. I am upset but I feel numb. Marta is being strong but I can tell it is only for the girls. Irina reminds me so much of her mother. She is keeping her chin up for her little sister. Michalina has calmed down significantly. She had been sobbing all morning but now she only occasionally lets out a whimper. I no longer know when or if we are leaving. September 3, 1930 We finally have an offer on our land. It’s not all that much but it’s enough to get us to America and last us until we can settle ourselves. It looks as though if this goes through we will be leaving sometime before October. It is already getting cold. September 17, 1930 The deal has been worked out. We have until October 2nd to pack all of our belongings and leave. Marta’s brother-in-law, Josef will be driving us to port. We’re really doing it. The way I see it, if we settle and things are good enough, we can write to the relatives and bring them over. Fall 1930 September 23, 1930 Almost all of our dearest possessions are packed. Michalina tried to pack a mouse this morning. Marta was given quite a shock when the bag started moving about the den. We really need to look into getting her a pet. She also packed a jar of dirt from next to the old chicken pen. She said she wants to keep a piece of Olsztyn with us when we leave for America. I actually am quite fond of the idea. We still have some time before we need to leave but we’ll probably get a head start. We need to get to France by 1 PM on the 2nd. September 30, 1930 We are on our way to the port at LeHarve. Marta and the children are asleep in the back. Josef is beside me. I am just writing to keep myself busy. It will be a long few days. I am so anxious to board ship. October 2, 1930 Today is the big day. We’re at port. I believe everyone is feeling the tension. I paid our fee to ride in the steerage compartment. According to the others it should take us a little over a week to reach Ellis Island. The last ship out reached Castle Garden in 8 days. This is the first day of our new lives. October 12, 1930 We hit a small storm off the coast which delayed us a few days but we are here! Riding in steerage was dreadful. We were put on board shoulder to shoulder with the others. There was no hiding from your neighbors. The stench was terrible. When we finally disembarked and they lowered the gangplank we were greeted by a burly man with a deep, husky voice. The man next to me translated. He yelled for the men to go one way and women and children to go another. We dropped out luggage and parted. We agreed to meet back at the luggage pile once we had been cleared. I feared, although none of us were sick that something would send one of us back. Thank God we all passed through fine. The lines were so long though. We spent fourteen hours in lines. Waiting. Being registered. Being checked out by doctors. I saw a man be marked. He must have been sick. They chalked him and sent him to another room. I wonder if he was sent back to the homeland. October 20, 1930 Marta’s cousin, Adam, has offered to show us around the city. We’ve settled ourselves in a small place on the outskirts of the busy life. There was a huge snowfall here. 4 feet: it was some type of freak blizzard. Some buildings collapsed according to Adam. I still haven’t found work. The American’s are suffering from this depression as well. There is a possibility that I may have a job in construction coming my way. Dominik may be a good hand. I’ve asked him and he says he’d like to join up as well. Marta has started as a maid in the city. There are still a few wealthy families who are too lazy to dust their own houses. I really shouldn’t complain so much about them, they’re bringing money in for us. October 31, 1930 I finally got the construction job. We have our first site work tomorrow morning. Early. I’ll have to somehow get Dominik up by 5:30 AM. I only got the job because the Italian before me back talked to the boss. He spoke perfect English. It’s a shame for him. Workers who speak the language are so much more desirable. I only know a few words and phrases. I can understand instructions, though. And we are just following blueprints anyway. November 12, 1930 Things seem to be going well. Irina is working with her mother now. The clean double the amount of houses in half of the time. They have a new client up in Manhattan who pays very well. It’s a ways to travel but it’s worth it for the money we are getting. November 20, 1930 Dominik and I overheard the boss talking about “Thanksgiving” today. He was very animated about it and he seemed excited. Being curious, I asked Adam about it. He explained to me that it is a holiday where we are supposed to praise God for what we have been given and gather together for food. He then invited over his place next week for dinner. I like the concept of the holiday. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thanksgiving Day: November 27, 1930 Adam is smoking his pipe, Michalina is asleep on the floor, Irina and Dominik are playing games and Marta is in the other room. It was a good day. Adam, being a man of good fortune, put out quite a spread for us. Fish, potatoes, glazed carrots, corn and squash. He invited us back for Christmas Day. Naturally, I accepted. I am thankful for our new future, the health of my wife and children, and such caring family. December 3, 1930 Dominik and I finished our first job today. Three new tenements in place of an old bank that was torn down. Both of us took home enough money to feed the family for the next two weeks. It was a good day. December 17, 1930 We were robbed today. Our valuable possessions are gone and the money from on the mattress is gone as well. We have nothing. I don’t know what to do. December 18, 1930 Adam has offered to take us in until we can gain back the money we’ve lost. I still cannot believe that everything we have worked for is gone. Michalina is clinging to the jar of earth she brought from home. It was the only one of her possessions not taken by the thief. We have sparse clothing. That was taken too. Adam wishes to buy us all new things but I said no. I could never repay such a debt and I, being an honest man, would be obliged to do so. Winter 1930 December 22, 1930 I had one of the men who speak both Polish and English at work explain our situation to the boss. He said he wishes that he could up my pay but due to the depression, it would be impossible. He clapped me on the shoulder and gave a sad smile. I cannot help but understand although I am frustrated at my newfound poverty. I brought my family to this country so we could prosper further. I feel as though I have failed them in some way. December 24, 1930 Tomorrow is Christmas. Once again we have no presents for our children. I am watching Marta and Adam prepare for tomorrow’s meal. The smell is wonderful. So many spices. Michalina has asked me if Santa is bringing her a kitten this year. The look on her face when I told her it was unlikely was heart breaking. Her big green eyes watered a little and she sniffled. I brought her close to me and whispered “Some day, little one. You will get your wish.” She wiped her eyes and smiled at me saying “Okay, Papa”. That’s my girl. Christmas Day: December 25, 1930 Merry Christmas. Dinner was wonderful as usual. Adam has the fire going so it’s quite warm in here. It calls for snow in the weeks to come. Dominik and I are starting a new job tomorrow so we are resting us. Marta and Irina are still commuting to Manhattan. Irina knitted me a new cap to keep my ears warm on the job. It is quite a piece of handiwork. I suggested she make more and sell them on the streets for extra money. She seems keen on the idea. December 27, 1930 The wind is gusting a 50 miles-per-hour right now. Dominik and I can’t go in to work. Marta and the girls are trapped in a snowbound house in Manhattan for at least tonight. It’s just us guys tonight. December 31, 1930 And so ends the hardest year of my life thus far. I have never been so pleased for the New Year. Hopefully we will have a healthy and prosperous 1931. January 3, 1931 Today is Marta’s birthday. I picked her up a rose on my way home from the job site with the cash I had with me. She is 34 today but still looks 25. Michalina, Irina and Dominik all pitched in to buy her new gloves. They are leather with a small strip of fur for insulation at the ends. Marta almost cried. Irina has about five hats in her room. She says she plans to get fifty done by the end of the month and begin selling them in February. January 8, 1931 Dominik got his hand crushed at the site today. A wooden plank was dropped across the back of it. It’s all swollen and bruised. He probably won’t be able to work for a few days so I’m on my own. I just hope he doesn’t get too lazy having a week or so off. I know how he gets. January 10, 1931 Dom’s hand is looking worse and worse with each passing day. He has no range of motion and I think it might be broken. We don’t have the money to cover a hospital bill. Adam says he’ll drive him up tomorrow to get looked at and take care of the bill. I guess it’s best to get him fixed up unless we want half the money coming in. He had better get fixed soon, though. The boss had fifty men lined up begging for Dominik’s position. He can only hold off giving them the job for so long. January 16, 1931 The boss had to give up Dominik’s job today. I don’t know what we’re going to do about the lack of money coming in now. Adam is covering our extra expenses right now but we cannot live off of him forever. I had hoped to be out of this house by now and back in our own tenement. I guess that God has other plans for us. January 20, 1931 Dominik will be apprenticing with a Polish-speaking architect starting next month. It’s less money but he’ll be getting and education and doing what he loves. Money is money. February 2, 1931 Michalina is sick. She’s been coughing and sneezing all day. She seems tried all of the time and she barely eats. Adam has offered to take her to see a doctor but I keep refusing. I’m already in too much debt with him. I’m sure it’s just the flu or something minute. February 9, 1931 I finally consented to let Adam take Michalina to a doctor. She has mild bronchitis but they have her on antibiotics and she should be fine in a little less than a week. Dom is doing well with his apprenticing. Irina and Marta have another new client. I am almost finished with the job I’ve been working on. It’s been a good few days. February 17, 1931 Irina sold three hats today. It’s not much but it’s a start. She takes them with her to the houses she cleans with Marta and sells them off to people as they walk past. February 21, 1931 It was so cold today I almost lost feeling in my entire body. I finished another job today, though and brought in some extra bonus money for it. I’ve been trying to pay off Adam a little at a time. We still have quite a debt to him. He is a good man. The more I watch him the more I am thankful for him. He took such great care of Michalina while she was sick and we were all gone. She is well, by the way. February 23, 1931 It is Irina’s birthday. I cannot believe she is 13. She is growing into such a beautiful young woman. So strong, so poised, so motivated and hard-working. She reminds me so much of her mother at that age. March 3, 1931 Dominik’s birthday was yesterday. His mentor gave him the day off today, a compass and a sketchbook. He has been buried in it all day. I forgot how close Irina and Dominik’s birthday’s were. Last year we thought it was rough having to buy them both presents in such a short time frame. This year we understand what “rough” really means. The weather should begin to warm up soon. Or at the very least it should be a little less frigid. March 10, 1931 Everything has finally thawed out around here. It is still quite cold but we don’t wake up in a frost any longer. Irina slipped and fell at work yesterday and is home today nursing her ankle. She should be back to normal by tomorrow. Please, no more doctors’ visits for this family! March 18, 1931 Dominik designed his first building today on his own. His mentor was not only pleased but astounded at the intricacy and attention to detail. His project is to build a small cross-sectioned model and give it to him by next week. Who knows, maybe it will be my next job! Spring 1931 March 23, 1931 Dominik’s mentor has decided to take up his model as a project. This is very exciting. A fourteen year old boy! He’s an architectural prodigy! I told Dom to tell him that I would gladly work that job any day. In other news, Irina is selling more hats than ever. April 2, 1931 We have almost paid off Adam in full. We are looking to be back into our own tenement sometime in the coming months. I have also decided that I am going to ask Nicolas at work to help me learn English. I do not have enough of a concept on it to get me by forever. I just want to be at least conversational. April 7, 1931 Today at lunch Nicolas tried to teach me a few simple phrases in English. He taught me greetings such as “How are you” and “Good Morning.” He’s also teaching me basic vocabulary like “ground”, “wood”, “sky” and “steel”. I have also decided recently that when Dominik gets older we should go into business as a team. Him as the architect and myself as his contractor. Just think of the possibilities. April 19, 1931 I received a few letters this week from family back home in Olsztyn. Marta’s sister, Josef’s wife, had a baby girl. Everyone is holding up well. A few of my cousins may be immigrating into America sometime this year. I told them we would be happy to help them learn their ways around. April 24, 1931 Another job finished today. More money in my pocket. Dominik’s model is under contract and building will be underway sometime soon. Marta and Irina have yet another new client. Irina is selling both hats and scarves now and we are doing well. Things are finally looking up for the Krawiec family. April 30, 1931 Adam’s birthday was today. We sat him down and cooked dinner for him for a change. We all chipped in and bought him a new jacket. Not that he would need one, all the money and clothing he has. He thanks us for it though. Marta made the greatest casserole. She always complains that she isn’t quite as good as her mother but I disagree. May 4, 1931 Marta and I have begun to look at tenements back on the outskirts of the city where we used to live. We hope to leave Adam’s home by June if possible. We have enough money to sustain ourselves now. It is just a matter of finding a place to go. May 18, 1931 Dominik’s building is under construction. The foundation was laid a few days ago and they’ve begun on the first floor. Marta and Irina’s new client is quite the heavy tipper. The money coming in from the girls’ housecleaning is phenomenal. I’m currently off from work for this week. There are no new jobs to be done. I’m sure business will pick up again soon. May 23, 1931 This new job is going to be a long one but it should pay well. We are building a series of tenements in the heart of the city. Speaking of tenements, we’ve found a place near our old one. It’s affordable and not too small. We will hopefully move in at the end of next month if everything goes according to plan. June 1, 1931 Dominik’s building was finished today. I took Marta and the girls to go see it. It’s amazing to see this full-scale building that you had just seen a month or so before as a few pieces of wood on your son’s desk. Simply breathtaking. Not to mention the money he’s raked in for it. We’ll be set for quite some time! June 8, 1931 Marta stayed home today. Irina is in Manhattan on her own. She woke up this morning dizzy with an upset stomach so I told her it’s best she not go in today. She’s been laying down since early thing morning. I won’t disturb her now. June 13, 1931 Marta is pregnant. I am excited like everyone else but I am anxious at the same time. We finally have the money to support the family we have and now we will have yet another mouth to feed? I really shouldn’t be talking like this. I am having a baby! June 20, 1931 We move into the new tenement next week. The children cannot wait. Adam has asked us to stay a little longer. I can tell he will be lonely without us as he will be living alone again. I promised him we’d come for Sunday dinner weekly. That seemed to brighten him up a bit. Summer 1931 June 28, 1931 We’re all unpacked and settled in the new house. It is a little too warm for my liking but it is over 80 degrees outside. Irina and Michalina are sharing a room Dominik has his own room and then Marta and I. Michalina found a kitten on the street today. She’s been pleading with us to keep it. I’m not sure. June 30, 1931 Marta and I decided to let Michalina keep the kitten. July 2, 1931 We had a wonderful family talk today about the new baby. Michalina is thrilled to say the very least. Irina is excited too. Dominik seems indifferent. He might just be preoccupied though, he has a new project. Irina has left the housekeeping business and now just sells her handmade clothing on the streets of the city. With the change of seasons she’s begun to make sundresses and button-down shirts. She is doing well. I have a new job starting tomorrow. My English lessons with Nicolas are going well. I am beginning to grasp the basic sentence structure and things like that. Hopefully some time soon I will be able to speak it fluently. Also, Michalina named the kitten Scout. July 10, 1931 Adam stopped by today and informed us that he will not be in town this Sunday for my birthday. He has an engagement with a lady friend of his. Good for him. He dropped off my birthday present. A pocket watch with the inscription: “Prosperity is not the money you earn in your position but the time you took to get there.” July 12, 1931 I am 36 years old today. A year ago to this moment I began writing in this journal. Time truly does fly. For my birthday, I was given a few gifts. A new shirt from Irina, made by herself of course. A model car from Dominik. A silver chain and pendant from Marta (and a few pairs of socks). But the greatest gift I received today was from Michalina. She handed me a poorly wrapped bag with a little bow. Her eyes were glowing and she sat down on the floor. Scout hopped into her lap. I opened the present to find, to my astonishment, the jar of earth that she had packed from the homeland. “To always remind you of what we came from,” she explained. I placed it on the mantle above the wood burning stove in the den. I will see it there every day. She is wise for such a young girl. And she is right. Never forget where you come from. It took us a long time to get to where we are now. We have had many hardships but things are finally looking up for us. We are finally starting a new life. We have worked so hard for this. Now we can start properly. All seven of us. Me, Marta, Dominik, Irina, Michalina, the new baby and, of course, Scout.

Presently, my life is stressful. My grandfather has been going in and out of the hospital for tests and evaluations on his heart. He has an aortic aneurism and a clot that he needs to have fixed. He will most likely be going into surgery sometime later this month. Also to add to the stress level, it is the beginning of my sophomore year and the work has started kicking into gear. I am so bogged down for time that I can not really get involved with as many things as I would like to. Band takes up a lot of my schedule as well. If you want to talk about something stressful, it is definitely color guard. I love spinning and performing, but the practices can be brutal. I really value my family and friends. They drive me crazy, but yet they keep me sane. It is a paradox-like concept that I do not expect anyone else to really understand. My family on my mother’s side is full-blown Italian, and my father’s side encompasses the rest of Western Europe, heavy on the German, French and Irish. So basically, I am the proud owner of a loud, argumentative, sometimes-drunk, completely confusing but always loving family. I honestly would never want it any other way. As far as my friends go, they might as well be my family. I am very close with all of them, especially my boyfriend. They are all a part of me and without them, I do not exist. My greatest joy these days is being with my boyfriend and my dog. I really do not even care about how lame that may sound because it is the truth. They are the two absolute best friends that I have. With them, there is no pressure on me to act a certain way. I can just relax and be myself without having to worry about being judged. In a world where I do not really seem to belong, they make me feel like a perfect fit. I really could not ask for more. Before I die, I hope to accomplish everything I have ever dreamed. I want to have a family of my own to take a care of. I would like to have a good job with a nice salary that I have worked hard to get. I want to have a high education and a degree to prove it. I know what I am capable of and I expect to use it all to my advantage. Before I die, I want to travel the world. I want to see everything, go everywhere, and do everything. I never want to feel as though I have missed out on something great. Recently I have learned that the most valued and guarded thing in this world is not love, but trust. Trust is fragile. It is like a glass figure, once it has been broken you could try to krazy-glue the pieces back together, but they will never fit they way they once did again. If there is one thing I value, it is another person’s trust. If there is one thing you should value from me, it should be my trust. I am very selective with who I “let in”, so to speak. I have been hurt deeply in the past and those wounds will not heal themselves easily. There are very few people in the world that I truly trust and would tell anything too. Those people mean the world to me. I hope they feel the same. -- Also old.

Summer. It’s a pretty strange season. Time isn’t measured in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks. Instead it’s counted in every drop of ocean water that clings to your body after a swim, every spark from the fireworks in the midnight sky, every footprint in the sand and the turning of the tides. It always seems like it will go on forever. But then, one morning you wake up and look at the calendar, and just like that, it’s coming to an end. He grabbed her around the waist and brought her closer to him. He could smell the salt air on her as he ran a hand through her hair. She looked up at him and gave him a light kiss. They stood there in silence, watching the sun set on the last day of the season. Neither said a word. He’d be going off the college tomorrow. And she? She’d be stuck in this town for another two years. Alone. The thought chilled her; she pulled her jacket tighter around her body. He noticed the change in her. She was silent, stiff, serious as she look in his eyes. He knew she was scared. He would be out of state, away from her. Just a few hours away, but it might as well have been galaxies. For the last year they had been inseparable. And now they were going to have a barrier between them. He held her close to him. It was dark now, but they didn’t dare go home yet. The sooner they went home, the sooner they would have to part. He whispered in her ear. Told her he loved her. She knew. She loved him too. A tear rolled down her cheek. He wiped it away and told her not to cry. She asked if this would change them. He told her change was inevitable in life. But they were strong. They’d make it through. Life will pass. Time will pass. And the world will not await them. But love? Love remains unchanged. It has a way of waiting for people. And even though the world keeps moving and the earth keeps turning, they will be constant. Two people sharing one soul, one life, one love. Forever. -- That was written quite some time ago.

You have to get high to solve all of your problems. Hahaha. Haha. Wow.

I will probably never use this... ever. So don't expect anything from it.