I want to scream but nothing comes out.
I want to cry but there aren't any tears left.
I want to hit the wall but I've already fractured my hand.

All I want to do is run to him.
But what do you do when the one person you want to run to is the one you're running from?

I just don't know what to do. I love him with everything that's in me but the jealousy is eating me alive. This girl has done nothing to me but I want to kill her for whatever way that she looked at him that made him fall for her. Because I could never make him see me the way he sees her.

I can't be near him right now. I can't handle seeing the look in his eyes that used to be because of me. I can't deal with the thought of him and her together. The way we were once upon a time. The way I hoped we'd always somehow be. Stupid girl, I should have known.

It's not her fault, and I know that. But it doesn't make it stop hurting that I wasn't good enough.

He's always been here for me through the hard times, and now I'm facing this one on my own. I feel as though I've lost him even though I know that isn't true. He kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. Told me not to take forever. He wouldn't say goodbye.

It's not goodbye.

Maybe this is what I need? Or maybe this will kill me. I've already had to stop myself from calling him crying upwards of 20 times. It's like a baby learning to self-pacify. I just sleep all the time. It doesn't hurt anymore when I'm sleeping.

My phone background reads: "be strong". I'm not so sure I'm capable of that yet. I am learning.

If you ever read this: I love you, Alexander. You aren't just a friend. You are my family. I promise you that I'll be back one day. I just don't know how long that this will take. Or if you'll even still want me when I return.