This shit sucks... i cant stay here anymore... my mother wont let up, i hate it! I dont want my kids to grow up in such negativity!!

my mom doesnt want me to have the baby & she said to Robin, my cousin, "You should adopt amys baby & Bryan so they have a good mom & dad" then told me after & i said that it would mean Jason would have to sign his rights over too & he wants the baby there is no way hes gonna sign his rights over & she goes "if we pay him enough he will" i'm havin my baby in April, i'm stayin here till then, insurance and everything... but the second i have this baby, i'm not even comin home, Jason will come over wile i'm at the hossy, get my shit, and i'm gone, i wont even bring the baby home *as in here* my mom is upset wit me cuz i wont talk 2 her or even aknollege the fact shes trying to get my attention she shoved adoption down my throat so hard wile i was preg wit Bryan i started sleeping with a gun uner my pillow thinking that she was gonna come take my baby from me wile i was sleeing (this is wile i was pregnant) i thought she was literally gonna come, hit me in the head, gut me & take my baby she doesnt want me having kids period, i'm "too young" i wouldnt even be concidering getting my tubes tied if it wasnt 4 her!! i mean i understand if my mother said once "You know you have several choises" thats i would understand, ONCE, but she did it everyday 50 times a day its not fair they are more worried about what everybody thinks then how i feel... they dont give a damn about me and my dad even said taht to me "i dont give a damn about her i only care about Bryan" i overheard that around 4:30ish today They only care about Bryan cuz "i'm a bad mom" because i dont spend every waking moment with him, because i prefer to despoil my kid b4 it gets worse, because i'm a little harsher then theyd like me to be, because when i get frustrated & stressed instead of hitting him i put him in his room & go outside, smoke a ciggie, then i go back to dealing with him... i take that 10 minute break & its automatically "neglect" its better then being "abusive" and i swore nothing could ruin my day 2day, i swear i musta had the best sex of my life last night & i was glowin and glowin... shit it even stoped my sex dreams!!!! i went to bed last night... nothing... nap b4 all this started... nothing... when all this started i took a nap again... sex dream!!! i'm gettin annoyed wit 'em i think s/hes doing it for a reason!! She just said now "next time if ur gonna get all hot and bothered by something somebdoy said to me i'm not going to tell you" i said "its not what she said its what YOU said, and you think i'm such a horrid mother remember mother, i learned from the best!" i'm out of here as soon as this babys born and she will NEVER see us again (us=me, jay, bry, this baby) She says she was a good mom? She never put me thru any pain or sorrow or did anything that wasnt "good" for me i'm so pissed... i had 2 remind her that she stuck me in a school for 3 years where i had to hear "mrs woodbury is a bitch and a whore" and stuff like that... i had to deal with "your that bitch's daughter aint ya?" and all that shit... cuz she not only dragged me out of the middle school i was suppose 2 go 2 to go 2 the 1 she teached at she had to teach wile off her meds & in the same school district, so either way people from middle would have seen me in high... i lived with the teasing and the harassment and abuse from all the kids for not just 3 years but 7 years... yeah that musta done me lots of good JASON & I WANT THIS BABY AND THERES NOTHING SHE OR ANYBODY ELSE CAN DO ABOUT IT The thing is... My parents only give a damn about what other people think about them & me... Well geeze heres a news flash i'm a person too and they really need to start thinking about what i want and how i feel!!!

Bryan had his 1st trip 2 the zoo! He had a blast! His favorites was monkeys & the snakes!!

I'm scared! Why am i cramping? I'm almost in my 2nd trimester!! it started about 10 minutes after i dropped of Jason (about 8:40am) and was just passing my old high school (winter park) with just at least 10 maybe 15 minutes till home, and i cramped and it hurt so bad!! Since then ive had 5 (its 1pm) now your probly thinking "Thats not bad 5 cramps in 5 years, thats 1 cramp an hour" thats still bad!!! 1 cramp a day or at all for that matter at this stage is bad!!!! i hope somethings not wrong!!!!

I dont normally preach, but you should read what i have to say... You'll see i'm not like most!! Now most people think its "cool" to be pregnant in highschool... WTF! My friend just planned & got herself pregnant and shes in the 10th grade... How can people be SO stupid? Yes i got pregnant at 17 & had my son at 18, yes i am 20 and pregnant again, i'll be 21 before this baby is born tho, yay! People need to realize that i am struggiling to live day-2-day... If it wasnt for my parents, my son & I wouldnt have a roof over our heads & sometimes we wouldnt have food on our plates... Having a baby might be "cool" but they grow up, they arent babies for long! They get to be 2 where all they do is cry & throw fits when they dont get their way... I wont deny that having kids is fun & rewarding but its so much hard work!! Both of my children were concieved wile i was taking birthcontrol... There was a small factor i didnt know till i already had gotten preggie and that is: antibiotics counteract birthcontrol People say "i dont feel as much with a condom on so i like it bare" well gee if you always wore a condom you wouldnt know the differance!!! You could always stop having sex for about a month then go back WITH a condom and trust me it'll feel just as good cuz ur gettin some & by then ur body will forget the differance!! My main preach is if you get pregnant in high school do not and i repeat DO NOT drop out!! I did, it took me so long to get my GED cuz i was too lazy wile preggie & too busy taking care of my child after he was born... My son was a year and a half old, i waited 3 years **big mistake** to go take it... tho i passed it doesnt matter i was lucky!! I dont condone accidental pregnancy, it happens. I do however condone those who plan to get pregnant because they want a baby not thinking ahead!! the earlier you start having sex the sooner you'll end up like me, the special moment you should share with your husband will be nothing because sex isnt anything to you anymore, its just another thing to do on a list of "todo's" after the wedding... Dont end up like me! Change before its too late!! I do have a question for ya... Do you know what it is like to go thru a pregnancy, birth, and then raising a child on your own? No? Well i do, lemme tell u i dont think i can do it again, but here i am, yes this time i have a man that stuck around but its not the same... Hes not there for me... I know if we waited until we were married 2 accidently become preggerz that things would be different, but as it stands hes excited but pissed...

I do stupid stuff sometimes, like cry over spilt chocolate milk, yes i did that... Now its kinda funky! i'm 9w4d along right? then how come i'm so emotional? why do my boobs hurt already? why have they grown half a cup size? this stuff shouldnt happen so soon!!! Now ive been cryin over stupid shit... i know Jasons exhausted after work, so why am i so upset over the fact he is exhausted and that i dont get any? HOW STUPID IS THAT?!? I even shaved myself, nothing... I wore a sexxii nightie, nothing... Either somethings wrong with him, or me... So i started crying because of it... Dont get me wrong, he is NOT cheating! He is weird, he tells girls wearing basicly nothing to "Go home and put some clothes on" its just the way he is... He works 10 hour days laboring & i am selfish by wanting something more from him when he needs to just relax... I am normally not so emotional, tho bipolar... I am usually good with understanding of peoples needs, why am i being so insensitive now? Why am i thinking JUST of myself? Oie! I dont know if its cuz i'm preggie or if its cuz i feel so lonley now (cuz i'm preggie) that i want him around more and want to do more stuff (including sex) Just so you know, i'm like him, the way i normally feel about sex is "If i get it, i get it" and its not that big part of my life anymore except when i needed to jump start my periods... of course i figured it out, when i went to jump start it this time thats when i concieved *LMMFAO*!!! i have no reason 2 go out & cheat on him, nor am i going to ever!, but since my hormones are crazy i feel the urge to do so... I mean i have never had an urge to literally try my damnest to try to get some, i hate this... With Bryan i NEVER wanted sex i wanted NOT to be touched!! of course i didnt have mourning sickness either!! This baby has caused me such bad mourning sickness i got these pills "premesis" so it'll stop... i cant eat cuz i'm sick 2 my stomach, i'm throwing my guts up 20 minutes after i eat if i can eat... its bothersome!! i cant believe my boobs have caused me problems, already grown half a cup size! They hurt like crazy!! Oie... what do i do? If i cant get these gawd dayumed emotions to quit i'm going to go nuts!!! Heres a funny thing a friend said to me: "with boys, you worry about one penis - with girls, you worry about EVERY penis" tho a girl can only come home preg every what 9-10 months guy can get a diff girl preg every night

My heart rate is 88!! Which is great!! The babys is the same, 165!!

I had another ultrasound today, things looking good... Hands & feet are budding out... My heart is weak and might not be able to handle the pregnancy... time will tell... its only 80 when i'm normally 95 to 105... i cant go below 70 or i am dying slowly with organs shutting down then eventually my heart will stop, it'll be like a reverse heart attack in slowmo...

i had my 1st ultrasound, well 2nd including the 1 from the hossy, and i got good news, the bleed stopped!

I had some cramps & spotting, went to the ER, got some bad news... i spent 10 hours in there and come to find out i might have an abruption to the placenta

I'm pregnant!

This journal will last until i have my baby, then it'll be changed to "BryNAndysmommie" or "BryNDezziesmommie" depending on if i have a boy or a girl. I have 2 names picked out, might change tho. Andrew Ellis if a boy. Desiree Adelle for a girl. Andrew was my dads dads middle name. Ellis is not only my dads middle name but my moms dads first name. Desiree is just a name i like. Adelle is my grandmothers middle name. Today is "Day 1" The other 4 journals (& this 1) are basic update journals about whats happened so far...