Wow. Can you believe it? Reality has finally hit me and hit me hard. Recently, I just figured out that I have a crush on a guy named Alex. If that wasn't weird enough it gets better. Alex is the best friend of one of my best friends crushs. Dear God someone help me. Wanna hear the best part? I'm a coward. I can't ask him out or anything with this low opinion I have of myself. So now I've offically made myself a deal. When I have a flat stomach and a decent ass, I will tell him that I like him and possibly ask him out. Believe me, for me this is a monumental decision. Even so, there is no way I'll go alone. I'll bring Keara or Chrissy with me for moral support. And so I don't feel totally stupid when he says no. At some point this year, this desire for a decent butt and stomach will come true. Here is what I'm doing. A.) The Special K diet B.) 30 minutes of pilates every morning. That's gotta do something for me, right? And if not...I might just have to resort to more desperate measures. Meh. I'll go on to describe my day for you. This morning I had FCA (fellowship of Christian Athletes, though oddly enough there aren't many atheletes in the group...). We meet once a week for a bible study type thing at McDonalds. I had a cappacino and thats it. Yay for me. Now from there, I shall describe my different moods throughout the day. Yay! Creative Writing: Creative Physics:Confused Drama: Overwhelmed World Lit: Bored Aiding: More Bored AP English:Frantic Novels: Ready to leave school From there, I got on my school bus, where I rocked back and forth with the music flowing from my cd player...until The Fourth Stop. Which is where I picked up my current mood. If it wasn't bad enough that I have a crush on Alex... I haven't completly let go of my crush on Dillion. Have I neglected to mention Dillion in my past entries? Well... He's a really super cute goth who rode my bus and was in my Newspaper class that was always nice to me and was treated badly by most people. Why I liked him...I dunno. In fact, I can't even tell you why I like Alex...except maybe for the fact that hes also super cute and funny? Sigh. Now back to my mood story. At The Fourth Stop...I saw Dillion again. Which is when I started feeling awfully twitchy. Well...not just me. More like my heart. It seems to speed up just a little bit and then send a shiver down my spine. Okay...it doesn't just speed up. It literally jumps into my throat. It's like a tickling sensation. It's...I can't really describe it well enough. All I know is that between this whole Dillion and Alex thing... I feel twitchy. On a side note...do you think its stalkerish if I accompany a friend to the alla carte (spelled wrong I'm sure)line just to stand a little bit closer to the guy I like? Cause yeah. I did that. Today. *hides* Mandy

Hello my fellow diary people. According to my dearest brother Keith, someone finds me amusing in my writings. Good for them. Maybe its just the writer in me doing its damndest to lighten the mood. I'm not normally as hyper as I seem to be when I write. Meh. It doesnt' really matter in the end. Let me sum up recent events for you. Keith left for the Army. I miss him. Kristy is sorry for breaking his heart. I feel bad for both of them because they're both hurting. As for me...I'm starting my senior year. Yay. I don't know what college I'm going to go to or anything else so booyah for me. I want to get out of this damned town so fucking bad. This place is slowly killing my sense of self. There's nothing here for me. I don't mind living in a small town; well not really anyway. I mostly sit at home and write and what not...but I've been mostly working this summer. Meh again. I need to get out of this area. The people are terrible. They're so racist, homophobic, democratic, and anti God it breaks my heart. When your own pastor tells you he wants you to go away for college, you know you're in a bad fucking area. I'm glad for meeting people like Chrissy and Keara, but other than that there is nothing here I truly treasure. Sure, theres trees, but thats about it. I'm so fucking tired of living here. I can't wait to leave. Maybe I should just pick Northern? At this point, it does look like thats where I'm going. To the UP. Away from all of these damned hypocrites. Tomorrow is the first day of school. Joy. Well...I can't say its all bad. I'm kinda looking forward to seeing how my whole year is going to go. But on the bad side, I've got a book left to read, but I cant' finish it tonight, so I've done what I could by going to google and searching for the summary. I'm going to finish the damned thing...eventually. What I'm going to hope for now is that we don't talk about Frankenstein. I did the same with that, but not for lack of time. More like lack of interst. I hated the fucking book. Mary Shelly is a bad writer. She goes off on tangents like I'm doing now...but this is different because this is a journal that I dont' expect anyone to read. *sigh* I'm going to go back to mentally planning out my school day tomorrow and practicing my guitar. Night all! love, XXXXXX

Happy Cinco de mayo people. Yeah. I feel alone and abandoned and not worthy of attention. In short- crap. It's not the brave thing to do to write this out here while I feel so empty on the inside, but I guess we all do what works. But seriously, I'm struggling with an issue I thought I was sure of. Who am I? Most people struggle with this in Middle School when they're developing socially, but I was the tom boy that people made fun of. Thus lowering my self esteem. Who knew it was going to be permanant? I don't blame my friends really. They just don't get it. I don't like being alone. That's why I don't go places without a friend. I feel the need for companionship at all times. I'm insecure and I know it. Like in choir, I don't sing out until I know the song. I'm too afraid I'll screw up. In Drama, I'm so scared to screw up. Maybe its my self esteem. That's been hurt since 3rd grade. That and my body. I hate being so fat. My ass is huge and my belly isn't much better. So...I'm trying to fix it all. I got a job at Burger King. I plan to diet and exercise all summer long. Maybe if I have a skinny body, the rest of me will feel better. I know whats wrong. I don't have confidence in myself. It's why my voice is quiet during class. It's why I don't have a boyfriend (but that also has to do with how big I am). There is something wrong. I have issues. I don't know why. I don't know why these things should bother me as much as they do. I mean, hey, I read stuff all the time about girls with the same problems, but it hits home more here because its me. Then again its supposed to. It hurts. It hurts knowing that people like Keara and Christina better. Keara is so outgoing. Chrissy is skinny and pretends to be outgoing. And I'm a fat ugly girl with no cofidence. I don't know what to do anymore. Really. I really really want to stop feeling like this, but I can't. So...someday I hope things can change. Even though I think ending this on a happy note would be hypocritical. I want to stop this hurting. Keara and Chrissy have no idea how much it hurts to watch them walk off without me.

Hi! Happy Easter everyone!Having fun? I did for the most part. I got up early for church and everything. Then again...I do that every Sunday. Oh well. I guess that's punctuated by...SPRING BREAK!!! I played Pokemon Blue for a while. I have no idea why...but mindless crap like that equals fun for me. I got to Celadon city...and the stupid team rocket people are blocking all the doors. Damn them! It's been so long since I played the game I forgot what I have to do to get them to move...oh well. I'll figure it out eventually. After church, Larry took Keith and I to town. We rented a few movies and I think he got a game. I'm going to watch "The Crow: Salvation" tomorrow. But I did watch SouthPark with Larry tonight. I don't remember the title, but it's the movie with the whole "Blame Cananda" song in it. My favorite song was the part where (I don't know how to spell his name so sue me) Saddam Hussein sang "I can Change". I'm still singing it in my head. (I can change I can change! It's not my fault that I'm so evil its society! Society!) Mom even took us out for ice cream at big boy! Yay!!! Speaking of restuarants, my mom might be getting a new waitress position at Coyles! Let's hope that happens! Yay Mommy! As for me, I have an interview this Wednesday at Burger King. Wednesday, March 30, 2005 at 9 AM. I really really really hope they hire me. I need a job. I need one bad. Okay, back to my day. We came home and played a family game. (Well...the kind of famiy game that doesn't involve whinny children like Richard and E.B. They're at Grandmas! Yay!!) It was rummicube (I don't know how to spell that either.) Mom won. Of course. I think Larry hated it. You could see complete frustration on his face at all times. I felt bad. But hey. It was a short game anyway. Later on though we played Monopoly. (Yes, this is where my entry title came from.)It was great right up to the end...for me anyway. I always lose at Monopoly. And miserably. This time though, I had all four railroads, both utilities, boardwalk and parkplace, and one other set of properties besides. And lots and lots of money. For the duration of the game, my family called me satan. (Keith kept making deals with me and tried persuading everyone else to make deals with "Satan".) Just when it looked like I was going to win everyone gave up. Well...here's the more exact dialogue. Larry: I have nothing. Here Candy. (He gives her his only set of properties.) Candy: Ok. (A few turns later) Keith: Damn! I owe $600! Satan, if you give me the money I need, I'll resign from the game and give you my properties. Mandy ("Satan"): ok. Candy: That's unfair! (Keith and Larry sit there and watch the game) Candy: That's unfair. I'm quitting. Mandy: You guys suck. (Walks away) I hate it. Every time it seems like I might actually win something everyone gives up. Oh well. I knew I would have won if we'd kept playing. ^_^ So I'm not going to be all down about it. I still think Monopoly is a suck ass game to play with whinny people. Grr. On a brighter note, I finally updated my Harry Potter fanfiction "The Hardest Thing". I'm so proud of myself! It's like...6 pages long! Yay!!! Most of my updates are more like...2. I can't wait to see the reviews! Even if they tell me I suck! So yeah. That's all I've got to say for now! I'll write again later. When later is...I don't know. But who cares! The point is...I'll write again and stuff! [The End]

Hi people! I'm bored and yeah! So...I shall ramble some more about stupid crap! Yay! Well, I'm sitting here thinking about writing a story...while not doing it. Kind of sad right? I think it is. So yeah. It's been a while since I last wrote, but I don't have many motivation skills. I don't even write in the ones where you actually write. Well...I do, but only once in a while. I think the last time was sometime last year....oh well. Spring Break! Yay!!!! So I think this break will do me good. It'll give me much needed time to think and breathe outside of class work...well, other than the two page paper my bitch of a student teacher chose to assign. My plans are to read, write lots and lots and lots, play Pokemon blue, start my diet...and thats it really. I found out from Keara why my friends seem to get annoyed with me sometimes. I'm right too often aparantly. I'm not allowed to be right. Thats not fair. Just because I know what I'm talking about when I talk doesnt' mean that I shouldn't be able to talk. *grumbles* Okay, enough of that. I got a really nice review today for one of my stories. ^_^ Fanfiction is great. She went on about my talent saying that the point of views flow smoothly and all this poetic stuff. The best part is, I wrote that a year ago. ^_^ Yay!!! So yeah. Here I am. Sitting in front of a computer bored out of my mind trying to fish something out of my brain to write. As of now...I've got nothing. So until I can come up with something...I'm done. BYES! The End

'Ello again! My comuter was being stupid, so thus the reason for my lack of updating this journal/diary thingy. Eh. But you don't care right? Yes! No one cares! Ahahahahahaaa! Sorry. Anyway... I just drank a can of Cherry Coke. I should be coming down from my sugar high any time now...any moment... While we wait for that great moment in time, I'll talk about random crap! Hm...school's always fun to talk about. I find that I'm really good at language...but that I also don't care to learn about it. Weird huh? I think Spanish is boring because after the first ten minutes of class its endless repeating of the same information. Why do I have to hear me gusta or me gustan 50 thousand fricken times?! English however is my sanctuary. Not only is Mr. Sura my teacher, I have two friends in there with me. And they happen to be 2 of 3 of my best friends. It's sooo cool! That and Chrissy's crush happens to be in that class. We are always saying that he's gay with his best friend. Is he really? We don't know. It's possible. I mean, they do cordinate their clothing all the time. Sociology is kinda fun, what with Chrissy being in that class as well. And some of the things said in that class. Hee. History is better. Lauren and I have that class together too. I realized...I love history! I don't like all the battle learning stuff, but I do like things like the 20's and the depression. Advanced Chemistry and Government are a bitch though. I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE them. And that's with a passion. I really don't care what the difference between Alkanes, Alkenes, and Alkynes are. Though admittedly, organic chem is so much better than the shit we were just doing. Sigh. Government is just something I'm not intersted in. I'm not doing bad in there though. I just hate having to be in the damned class. Grr argh and all that crap. The only class I've not said something about is Art...which I guess is for good reason. What is there to say about Art? It's easy and fun and relaxing I guess. There. You happy evil forces of the universe? FEAR ME!!! MUHAHAHAHAA!!!!...OK. Done now. Since I'm bored with talking about mundane shit like regular school...I'll talk about my day today. Today I went to school. -_-;; fun huh? Well...the next two days should be a whole heck of a lot better. For tomorrow is Thursday, and you know what that means! Well actually...I suppose you don't. Ok, for your benefit, my darling diary thingy majiggy, I shall 'splain. Every Thurday, I stay after school for my two favorite events of all time...this year. Choir and Drama! I get to learn how to act and be emmensly (how the hell do you spell that? I'll look it up later...) entertained by people who do know how to act. ^_^ Two guys are so cute at Drama...well, one of them doesn't go anymore and that a real shame, but they're cute! Then there's choir. I get to sing. Something I can do! No, I'm not the best, but I'm still good. That's saying something. ^_^ I'm also one of the only 4 of 10 that shows up for practice on a regular basis. Friday, there is district festival. I can't wait! We sound so good! We can get a 1! I know we can! And...that's about all I can think to say. So yeah. Until whenever or something...I didn't come down from my sugar high much now did I? Me

I don't know what to write, but when I visit my own diary there should be something there to see damn it! I'm on a sugar high and I have nothing to do, so that will be obvious in my writing. Yay Writing! Hmm...what else is there really to say? Oh well. Welcome to my own random version of what is known as a "diary". Interesting how girl can use the term while guys tend to prefer the more manly word of "journal". This is becoming worse than the liberty or death thing I wrote for school...Oh well yet again! I'm done now...someone finally came online and now I can talk to them. Yay! Me...the antispirit, which I typed wrong when applying for this diary thing, so I guess I'm actually the anitispirit. Oh well. (End)