Happy Cinco de mayo people. Yeah. I feel alone and abandoned and not worthy of attention. In short- crap. It's not the brave thing to do to write this out here while I feel so empty on the inside, but I guess we all do what works. But seriously, I'm struggling with an issue I thought I was sure of. Who am I? Most people struggle with this in Middle School when they're developing socially, but I was the tom boy that people made fun of. Thus lowering my self esteem. Who knew it was going to be permanant? I don't blame my friends really. They just don't get it. I don't like being alone. That's why I don't go places without a friend. I feel the need for companionship at all times. I'm insecure and I know it. Like in choir, I don't sing out until I know the song. I'm too afraid I'll screw up. In Drama, I'm so scared to screw up. Maybe its my self esteem. That's been hurt since 3rd grade. That and my body. I hate being so fat. My ass is huge and my belly isn't much better. So...I'm trying to fix it all. I got a job at Burger King. I plan to diet and exercise all summer long. Maybe if I have a skinny body, the rest of me will feel better. I know whats wrong. I don't have confidence in myself. It's why my voice is quiet during class. It's why I don't have a boyfriend (but that also has to do with how big I am). There is something wrong. I have issues. I don't know why. I don't know why these things should bother me as much as they do. I mean, hey, I read stuff all the time about girls with the same problems, but it hits home more here because its me. Then again its supposed to. It hurts. It hurts knowing that people like Keara and Christina better. Keara is so outgoing. Chrissy is skinny and pretends to be outgoing. And I'm a fat ugly girl with no cofidence. I don't know what to do anymore. Really. I really really want to stop feeling like this, but I can't. So...someday I hope things can change. Even though I think ending this on a happy note would be hypocritical. I want to stop this hurting. Keara and Chrissy have no idea how much it hurts to watch them walk off without me.