Listening to: sidewalks - story of the year
Feeling: uplifted
god i dont understand anything anymore.
last week i was told that i made some people feel like evil monsters. "evil evil fucking monsters". they said i targeted them to be that.
but what they dont know is thats exactly how i feel that they AND their friends perceive me.
they dont know how i feel going to practice, and feeling like im being snickered and sneered at by people who dont even know the whole story. or atleast both sides of it.
to go to practice and not say a word unless the instructor or the captains approach me.
i havent spoken on my own at practice in almost 2 weeks. today was one of the first days i have actually had fun at practice. the first time in a long time. minus the painting of the mat. but that was only because of the bguard. if it wasnt for a few girls on the bguard girls, id be quiet forever.
or how it feels to say something, and have someone make some snide remark under their breathe. i do hear them.
i used to have fun. i used to laugh and talk alot. until now.
now i feel targeted. i feel like people are glaring at me with hatred. i feel like running and hiding from my troubles.
i hate this. but its ok. im strong, i can do this. i mean, i guess its better i dont talk, cause i get to become more focused on my work than my socialness. but id like to have fun sometime too.
but i guess ill live with being an evil monster too. because i will always be that girl who hurt their precious friend. the one who made her cry. i will ALWAYS be the odd one out, because i started to make a voice for myself. because i opened my eyes. because everything is always MY FAULT.
♥♥
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