hokai. i haven't written in here in forever. but i really don't think anyone cares? okay, well i'm moving to vegas in three months. the only good things about that are, 1)I get to see my daddy. =) 2)My boyfriend is moving WITH me. So i'm not going to lose him like i thought i was. =) and 3)I get to get out of this shit hole we like to call eau claire, and move away from all the crappy people, including victors parental units, in my life. some of the bad things are the fact that i'm not going to be with my four best friends anymore. and as if it's not bad enough that i NEVER get to spend time with ANY of them, I'm moving away and NONE of them are going to be allowed to visit me. becuase.. Kayla's mom- Likes me, but she thinks whenever me and kayla are together we get into trouble, which is only half true =P Taylors mom- and sister hate me, and do not let me and taylor hang out outside of school anymore, all because taylor made the stupid decsion of having her boyfriend, whom of which no one besides me (my parentals) and breezi knew about, over at my house one day. and her parents found out. now, it wouldn't have been a big deal if he wasn't 21 years old =x, but it wasn't my idea, but yet, i still seem to get punished for it. another reason they don't like me is because my boyfriend of almost 10 months is 17 (18 in april)and they think that i set a bad example for her. bullshit. breezi's mom- has nothing against me (well, not that i know of) but she's weird and is not going to let breezi fly in a plane all by herself, plus, she's like grounded for life because she got truency. but i think that's bogus because the truency wasn't breezi's fault, but anyways... finally we've come to the final friend and her reasoning for never seeing me again in our lives.... tiffany's mom- best friends with my mom, me and tiffany have got to be the closest friends anyone could ever be. but it just so happens to be that tiffany is infact, a "momma's girl" she can't leave her mom for more than three days. so that pretty much throws ANY chance of me seeing my friends for a really long time.. but i must be going, i shall be writing at a later time. good bye, Alyssa ♥

i haven't written in here forever. we had an assembly thing today, i wound up bawling. whatever. i don't even care. i'm supposed to be doing something for my gym teacher but again; whatever, i don't care. my head hurts super bad, i'm done. alyssa.

RAWR GOD DAMNIT!!! this made me seriously cry...it's a letter from Victor. "you ever feel like the only person you have is the only one nobody wants you to have? that's exactly how i feel right now, i'm so pissed off i'm ready to fucking explode, my mom yelled at me the whole way home, she fucking started yelling at me about you and my grades, i can't fucking take it anymore, i don't blame you for thinking my parents don't like you, i'm thinking they don't like you, i don't even think they like me anymore, my mom makes me feel like shit, i feel like the only reason i'm here is because they want me to be a part of the family that we used to be, and i'm sick of it, we will never be like we were, that got all fucked up a long time ago, and they just expect everything to be ok, if we asdl;kqwiofsf i don't even know, i can't talk to any of them for very long, it just doesn't work, i don't know if it's me but i feel that way, i feel like the only think i do is get fucked around, and i have no clue what i did to deserve it but it sucks!! i wish i could go back in time and just fucking vanish completely, so that no one could ever know who i am or was, yes, even you, i hate to say it but all i do is dissapoint you and i feel like shit, nobody understands me and how much i love you and they probably never will, i'm so sorry, i wish i could make things better but i can't do you know what that feels like? it hurts so bad, the only person that i completely let myself open up to is you, and all you do is suffer, because i give so much of myself to you only to let you be dissapointed, why did you ever come back to me? all you do is get hurt, it just makes things so hard, the only one that wants us to be together besides us, is your mom, fred doesn't NOT wants us together, he's just kind of there, my mom claims that she likes you, but the way she chewed me out today, i doubt it, my dad-who never says anything all of a sudden doesn't want you here cause he's a fucking stupid, ignorant, stubborn, one track, don't give a fuck asshole, he never even asked me how i felt about what happened or if we were back together, or if it was ok with your parents, he just said no! i don't want her in my house then he didn't even have the fucking guts to tell me why. he's so fucking UGH! i don't know, if you're gonna fucking say shit like that, you at least better have a fucking legitimate reason, and the balls to tell someone why you made your decision, do you know how much it hurt to listen to that fuck say that to my fucking face?! "no, i don't want her in my house" i wasn't even talking to him, i asked my mom and he just said no and my mom was like "well" and he said no and she got the weirdest look on her face, i've never seen her face like that before, and i looked at my dad and said why and he said, "i don't want her in my house" i felt like he just pointed a gun at me and shot me in the fucking gut! i just lost my breath and went numb with anger, i wanted to walk up and fucking knock his ass off that fucking chair for saying that, and the tone he said it in was like "i don't give a fuck what you think, it's not gonna happen" god damnit, my fucking hand is numb and i'm going crazy! i feel like i have no control over my life, and any time that i think about me i get fucked over there's nothing i can do about it! this letter probably makes you feel like shit, and i'm so sorry, i love you so much, and you make me feel so good, i just wish that everybody could see that and fucking leave us alone! everybody makes it so hard for us to be happy, i swear the way everybody acted after we broke up, i felt like secretly nobody wanted us together, everybody was like, "ooh, it's ok, you're better off, there's more girls out there, it's not the end of world" they never even thought that i still might love you. going out with daniell was the stupidest thing i ever did, did you know that two days before we got back together one of daniells friends told me that she still likes me and wanted to get back together, how fucking stupid does she think i am? i'm so fucking sick of people, the only thing i care about is you, it's all about you, from here on out, i can't take it, i feel like i'm in a war, and i'm the only one in the fucking army, and the only thing i want is to be happy with you in my arms, and if everybody can't accept that then fuck them, i don't give a shit! god damnit, i gotta calm down, i just broke my fucking pen and all i have is this fucking purple one, at least you like purple...right! i'm sorry, i just want to make you happy and i don't know if i can anymore, i just wish i could make you feel the way you make me feel, maybe i do, but i don't feel like i'm making you happy, i seriously am doubting myself, i'm sorry, i'll write you a happy letter later, but right now i'm pissed and hurt, and crying, so i love you and i'll call you later, bye =( Love your retard: Victor James ♥ ps, i love you so much!" ugh, that was the sweetest thing ever! even though it made me cry..and the fact that he was pissed and hurt when he wrote it, not to mention crying...god, i just love how much he stands up for himself, and me. he thinks he's dissapointing me, and hurting me, but he's not..he's far from doing that. i love him so much it's sickening. =P =[ sorry it was sooo long...he writes alot most of the time =) and that whole "love your retard..." thing, that's an inside joke, he's not really a retard... =P

Wow, the last time I wrote in here it got all messed up and it didn't work, that majorly pissed me off, cause it was SUPER long, it seriously took me like....15 minutes to write, and I'm a FAST typer. holy moley...anyways. Sunday, December 11th, 2005 was like...thee best day of my life. Victor and I are back together =) my god, I love him soo much it hurts =/ =) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I don't know what I'm gonna do without him =/ I'm so proud of myself, I ate today, the first time in 8 days. It was wonderful. and also...Eight months today since I last cut. another acheivment that I'm proud of myself for. =) Ahh, but I'm gonna get going, I'm on the phone with Breezi right now. God, I miss her like woah. =( Woo, I get to spend the day with Victor tomorrow. =) I can't wait. Alyssa ♥ ♥

"Nanette Himalfarbb" wow, that's got to be the craziest name I've ever heard. anywayssss, ugh, I don't know what to do anymore, Taylor, Breezi, and I have gotten into so many fights the last two weeks, this is sooo bogus, all we do is fight, and it's because it seems like Taylor and Breezi don't even know I exsist anymore. gharr. and everytime I'm mad at them, they act like nothing's wrong at all, and that pisses me off even more. you know, it's always TAYLOR AND BREEZI, no "Taylor, Alyssa AND Breezi." anymore, no "Taylor and Alyssa" anymore, and there's no "Breezi and Alyssa" anymore. I hate that. I wish things could just be NORMAL again. then to add to all of THAT^^ my dad thinks I have a crappy attitude all the time, and he also thinks I'm being lazy and not even trying to do anything. wich is BULL because I do EVERYTHING I'm supposed to. the only thing I haven't been doing is my homework (I've be doing some of it, but some of it is hard for me, and no one takes the time to help me with it, not even when I ASK for help) everyone in my family is too caught up in their own personaly lives, wich don't include their daughter, to realize anything's going on with me, the only thing they realize/see are the bad things. I could fall off the planet and no one would notice I was missing. Well, "good news" I'm not moving to Vegas for another 3 weeks. wich kind of pisses me off, because I can't wait to get out of this shit hole, there's alot of things here that I would rather forget about. When I leave here, I'm not even going to take a second look back. I don't even care anymore. And I've decided that I really need to get a counselor or something, becuase I cannot keep going on like this, it's pathetic that the only thing I can vent to is a fucking online diary. =/ I've also had serious thoughts of cutting again lately, I don't want to get into that again, It got me no where but a ride to the psych ward last time, I don't see how it'll get me any farther this time. I had to litterally EAT tylenol pm so I would get to sleep before I had the chance to pick up that blade. sdklfjl GHAR! fuck. I've done enough ranting for one day. Alyssa ♥

hokai. so i just got this sitdiary thing..and it's pretty fricken cool. i guess. i still haven't figured out how to do all this shit. ANYWAYS!! so i'm sitting here, watching C.S.I 'cause it's uhh, my favorite show and i watch it every night, but yea, i really don't have anything to write about. so i'm gonna go figure out how to do this shtuff. later homies. alyssa