So...I might have cancer. Actually they are pretty sure I do. I am so scared. I don't know what to do... And I am suppose to be moving back to MA. I feel like I am losing comtrol of my life. Not that anyone will read this though. =/

you know, all I ever wanted was for you to love me. Was that so much to ask? I've loved you since the moment we met. It was instant... And I loved you too. i honestly wish it hadn't happened. i wish i could have just torn my heart out of my chest, thrown it at you, and walked away. it would have hurt less, in the long run. You weren't the only one hurt through all of this. and you say all I think about is myself? Why not try to look in the damn mirror. three years of my life, i've devoted to you. wasted on you. lost to you. it's not like i never tried to tell you. you just didn't listen. you never listened to me. i could tell you i loved you, and you'd start talking about the cute boy in school. i honestly don't know why i ever loved you. why i still hang on. I would not start talking about some guy. It was my boyfriend. Iam sorry that I got into a relationship. IF you don't know why you ever loved me then why write all of this> why not just ignore me, forget abotu me? you're selfish. you're one of the most selfish people i've ever met. and you turned me into a selfish person. i spent all my time and energy taking care of you, and nearly killed myself in doing so. because while i was talking care of you, you were worrying about yourself, as always. so in the end, no one was watching out for me. so i decided to focus on myself, since no one else cared enough to...not even my "loving" girlfriend. How the hell did I make you selfish? And how am I selfish?? Everything I do is for everyone else! The only thing I did for myself was move, and thank god I did. It made me so much better. You never took care of me Brandi. You thought you were by putting me down and making me feel bad about things I did. Like my move. You hated it because I couldn't be near you so you can pull me down. I tried to make you happier and that never worked. I started talking to you because I thought you changed. But you didn't,. you are just the same as always. you know what? fuck you. if you truly loved me, or had even a shred of respect for me, you would have wanted what was best for me. NOT what you think is best for you. i have no pity for you, honestly. you dug yourself into this hole you're in. it's your own goddamn fault you're having to jump from apartment to apartment and share rooms with 4 other people and work 3 jobs to pay for it. Well fuck you too then, jesus. I did want what was best for you Brandi. That is why I tried to get you away from Jordan. You were so much happier when she wasn't around. That's why when I went down to MA I would stay with you and not other friends, because that is wat you wanted. I tried to make you happy. you took me for granted. i resent you terribly for it, but at the same time, i'm glad you did. because if you had opened your eyes, and seen what i was offering you, you could have so easily taken advantage of me. i would have given you the world on a silver platter. i would have gladly given up college and worked 2 or 3 jobs to support us. and all i would have asked for in return is for you to love me. hell, i would have been satisfied with you just saying you loved me. you wouldn't have even needed to mean it...it's not like you ever did before anyway, so i'm used to it by now. you know what? i almost did go to new york. i almost gave up everything i know, everyone i love, just to be near you. just for the chance that maybe, just maybe, you'd finally see me. i'm glad i didn't make that mistake. I said I loved you plenty of times, you just never believed me. I hated that. Whenever I would try to say something you to you wouldn't believe me and then I would feel bad, like I did something wrong. Again, I never told you to leave just to suport me, I can support myself. When I said you should move here, it was mainly a joke. You had offered to move to help me. I told you you didn't have to. But of course you wont remember what really happened. You twist things to the way you want them. You make me the bad guy, I lose my friends. Are you happy now? i made my decision on june 6th, and i haven't looked back since, nor do i regret it. i've finally found someone who loves me more than themselves. you would never, could never, have done that. god forbid you put yourself aside once in a while for someone else. You think Jordan "loves" you? She doesn't know hwat love is, and nor do you. You say you loved me but you always hurt me. How is that love? And you keep telling me to get over ymself? HA! You're the one that needs to hear that. Everything has ALWAYS been about you. You know what, I don't even care about losing my friends, your friends can hate me too. When I move to MA next year, it wont be near any of you. You can have fun with your "girlfriend" I dont care. I don't ever want to talk to oyu again. I will never be back to this site, I will never speak to you again. I can't stand you "loving" me on moment then hating me the next. You say this was a wasted three years? Fine. Don't ever call me again, dont ever text me again. Dont anything. Im done. I will never forget you. I will never forget the hurt I felt from you. Goodbye.

I am a fucking irritating idiot. That's all there is too it. Everytime I think that I'm ok... that I've escaped from whatever mess I got myself into, something else comes along and pushes my face a little further into the mud. And the worst part is, I don't even know what I have done this time, or even if I want to fix it. How can I feel this way. Nothing is going good right now really but I don't want to fix it. I don't want to have to be the one to fix it this time. I want someone else to help for once. But how can I expect anyone to help me when I can't even help myself? God I can be so emo sometimes. Good Night. PS-when will I learn to accept things and not get jealous over them? especially the lame ones.

So I finally told someone how I feel about them. I have been holding so many things in, and I think I told this person only a fourth of everything though. But that is okay because the many fears I had to opening up to 'em disintegrated as we talked. I can't believe I finally told 'em though. I never do that; I just hide things. But I have been hiding these feelings for way too long. No, I will not be acting in them, and yeah, I am still with Brian (aka-Philly). I am not planning on breaking up with him anytime soon (unless he makes me). But yeah, I just had to get things out in the open with the person and I am hoping it helped. We are suppose to talk "xcore" sometime soon. And we need to talk in person, so next time we get together we will. But I don't know how I can say all I feel face to face.I think I am going to go insane thinking about it...so I just won't think about it for now. Well I have some school work to get done and I have to fill out and send out my Rites app. Love to all, Kim

Gahhh! I am SO glad this class is over next Tuesday. "Intro to Internet". I do NOT need this lmao. Yeah, so my horrid room mate, Josh will be out by the end of my semester, which is in 7 weeks. WOOHOO!!! I can't wait!!! I SO don't like him...at all. Damn it, I have to go. Test Time.

I am tired and I don't want to be up right now. I have to0 be at my introduction to internet class at 8 in the damn morning. I didn't go to sleep last night till about 2 in the morning. I felt like I was dieing this morning...well actually I have felt like that for a couple of weeks. Yeah, the last couple of weeks I have been feeling so sick. I had to call out ofwork last night because I passed out in one of my classes yesterday...most likely because my blood sugar was low again. I don't really eat...I don't have time too these days. Oh well. I will be fine. Friday (tomorrow) Bryan and I are going to the Imax to watch 300 and then we are gonig out to eat. I can't wait. today I also get my paycheck. Woohoo! But I have to work tonight, gay. But I have to finish my practice test and write a private entry, so later D00Ds, lol.

I don't know what I am going to do. My room mate is the BIGGEST asshole I have ever met in my life. Bryan (my bf) and I want him the fuck out of here but we need him or we can't pay all of our bills. We would most likely have to move or I drop college. So I have decided to drop college next semester.And I am going to work full time. But I mean I don't want to be the one to tell Josh he has got to go, but I mean he lies, is lazy, and is an ass about everything. Grr.

So I don't really have much to say other than work is crazy. I misses my Brandi and she seems to be in trouble of some sorts. Uhhh, yeah. I am going to go watch a movie and go to bed to wake up and do my photography homework. Wish me luck. =]

Uhh, I can't delete this and I want to keep writing in it. Brandi and I are friends once again, and thank god. I missed her so much. My aim is candidsmilekim So yeah. I guess that is all then. =]