"We die only once, and for such a long time!" - Molière - - Le Dépit Amoureux (1656) -

It has been forever and yet a split second, since I have seen your face. My dreams they last like film previews and double doors swing to have none but ye to enter. So what am I to do? When the scene isn't produced on good quality, and it it under budget. How am I supposed to act with leading lady, when she refuses to play the part of anything at all? Is this movie a lost cause, on shooting day, or are we cruelly in over our heads, treading water to death. I want a piece of mind and just a few well read lines. The white it doesn't help. If you blow to hard and the redefined, becomes a lost cause, a lost guilt. You would probably find me restless in my own bed, tied down to nothingness. Make no mistake, she don't weep for the leading man, and she never did. All the actions, and instant notes have added to the fire file cabinet. So what do I do, but leave it alone. The voice is never heard, and the face it only glimpses on the screen. I wish just once to feel you, in a time of change. This script does not press, and it does not strain. These words are only for show, and we adjust to the plain. I stood there waiting, with two tickets in front of the star. Off to the pub, and off to the scars. Oh the awards, oh the awards. They go to you

I'm writing you a letter. A real one. One of the long ones that I never seem to finish, the ones that are more for me than they are for you, clearly, because I have things to tell you that I can't actually ever say. And I hope that, somehow, it reaches you anyway, without me needing to send it or read it out loud. I hope that every word I type finds its way into your head and stays there until you've thought it all out. I really do miss when we said things that mattered, like "I love you" and "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you". Now it's "I'm writing college applications all the time" and "I'm rowing all the time" and who we are gets lost between stories of what we do. Can we ever find our way back to tea and crumpets and jellybeans on birthdays? Or have we become too familiar too quickly; have those three days of all the things I've ever wanted minus a few ruined the next couple of years of what we could become? That last week in July, I would have told anyone who cared to listen that I wasn't afraid to tell you everything I wanted to, except maybe that I was ready for more. Now, we hardly say anything at all, even when we send each other paragraphs. Maybe we can have all that again, maybe more, maybe not. Maybe I should keep calling you back in my mind because it'll bring you here this summer. Maybe I should stop thinking about you altogether because we've finished all we think we've left undone. I don't know. There is too much uncertainty in our story, too many mysteries between the lines, and I don't want to take the time to sort it out. Can't you see I'm scared?

I found myself chipping paint of white buildings, revealing old concrete slowly but surely falling apart. I found myself loosing a piece of what weight that held me down, from flying off to some distant world. I found myself dedicating my moves and progress to one day reuniting, yet I know it will never happen. I found myself hating myself with my head between my knees wishing for a restart button. I found myself fighting with my memories and talent for being bitter. I found myself smoking a pack of reds listening to the stones sing your song, as if It were yesterday, and we were just getting over a fit. I found myself loving you over and over again with each utterance of "I may never". I found myself waking up in a cold swet, reliving nightmares that only seeks to remind me of what I can not have or what I never had to begin with. I find too much of myself in reference to these old yet young bones, easing to only save me briefly. I found my future wrapped and secured tightly to bags and suitcases boarding some plane to an off city. Where we first fostered our children and dreams. Do you see, can you carve a whole through the fog. Yes I find myself lost, indeed lost in a bloody revolution. Setting paces and steps to the challenge. Yet I shall remain with this thought in the utterance. I shall never stop loving, yet I may forget my old self.

So, I find myself writing here once again. I just sent him a message. I stated that I wanted to be with him. He's in a relationship right now (barely a month). I still can't believe I just did that. At least now I'll know what to do once he responds. Urgh. I feel like an idiot. Why do you do this to me? Much Love - ... It is now May 8. He didn't respond. I've given up. He's not worth my time if he can't even reply. Please help me forget him. Much Love -

My shit better not get hack by me being part of this good idea. All the other entries were like about these certain things and a few I like but not those things. I have sent drunk letters all around the world. I like doing that. Why? I have not a clue but its cool when a jap, a brit, a whatever read the same drunk letter with the same fucked up writing. It doesn't cost too much. I really don't know what to write here and I might as well write about the thing: that seems to be the Theme. Woman: What can I say? I love them all. The fat ones. The skinning ones. The pretty and ugly. You know in my culture black women are looked down upon? The few I been with were pretty awesome. The point is I am a whore and I do not not care. But when we get deeper then the surface what is there? Love is what I read to be the thing. What is it? I like a John Lennon qoute about it and it goes something like this: like I have my right and left hand, I have Yoko. The other half is part of you but what does that mean? I think I have loved or in love with some but so far I have not goting that far. My first was my high school crush. She became like my best friend and then ditched me. I do not know why. I feel like I should of seduced her. Or I simply should of told her how I feel about her. I did neither and she seem to have split. I hope not but we shall see. Another one brought me closer to God. She seemed to be the one. It was at if She was sent by God. She had me upside down with no breath. She just took it away. But, then again, I never told her how I felt and when I had her near, sleeping above me, I didn't kiss her. Then this other one was like love at first sight. She did not know that and she had a boyfriend. It did not matter and she became with me and now she is doing it again with her next, which is a friend of mine. I don't feel the same towards her anymore. If she would of left the first bf I would not be writing here. Ok the main point I writing here is to say: Don't hold back. If you really think that you know what love is, which I don't think you do, and that you have found your missing link, tell them. I feel like I have walked away twice with out striking out, which is worse. Don't live with What Ifs when you could have What Was. With my experiences I much rather have known what could of been, then not, with no balls.

Never, in my entire life, have I wanted to drink. It never looked "fun" I was already "Grown Up" by the age of 13 taking care of my alcoholic mother and my younger, troubled sister. Now my mom has been sober for 5 years and I feel like I can't handle taking care of myself. I can't do anything. I don't want to do anything. I'm not ready for college. It's too much of a step in the right direction. ... I don't let anyone into my heart. I can never say "I love you" and mean it. Now I am lonely and theres one person who, even if he treats me like dirt, I can't stay away from... I think I might have fallen for him. Sometimes I think he likes me too. But he doesn't like me. He'll never like me like that. I'm not good enough. Maybe its because I'm too "big" or maybe because he sees me as "one of the guys" Who am I supposed to love? Who's out there for me? I'm terribly afraid I'll be alone forever... I'm destined for solitude. And he'll never accept, or know, or even understand, how much I love him.

she is everything i want. she is the one for me she is the yang to my yin. she is the perfect girl. she is all i want all i need. she is all i dream of. all i am always wanting. you. im always wanting you but she is there for me. she loves me. she sleeps here with me but i lay awake wanting longing for you. i spend every night with her but im always wanting you. I dont know why. but i see you and want to just run up and hug you. just to smell your hair. just to marvel at your presence. I love you. i have since 10th grade. you are the one for me. she is just a milestone in the road i am taking. sitdiary... morphine

You are my best friend. And my lover. But sometimes I don't know if I want you to be either of those. I do love you. But sometimes I don't think you love me back. And that makes me not want to love you anymore. I wonder if I'll ever tell you this to your face.

Dear you, I want you to know I love you. Now that I have that out of the way, let me explain. You touched my life in ways no one has ever done before. I was raised in a mentally abusive home, so I grew up with a totally independent mind. I never let anyone into my life, and the few times I was brave enough to do so, I got hurt. Badly. The day I met you is a day I will forever remember. I saw your shoes before I saw anything else. Black and blue Chuck Taylors. I looked up to your face. and was instantly blown out of the preverbial water. Your long, shaggy, skater-punk dark brown hair instantly grabbed my attention. Your eyes. Light blue. The same color as the sky. It kills me, because everytime I look at the sky, I remember your eyes. I've yet to find eyes like yours. Piercing, yet gentle. Loving, yet tormented. When I finished taking in your face, I realized you were staring right back at me. This next moment is a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. The moment I first saw you smile. Your gorgeous blue eyes gazed into mine, and you smiled. I instantly knew that I wanted you. I wanted to talk to you, to be with you, to kiss you, to love you. I can still see that smile. It's forever painted in my memory. Time, that week, flew by. Everything after that first moment until Wednesday night was a blur. Hanging out every moment we possibly could. Texting at night, even though you were a few rooms over. I will always cherish the memories of us. Walking around the track in the moonlight. Lying on the starting line, looking at the stars, and identifying stars and planets. You always were kind of a nerd. From the first time we kissed I knew. I knew I loved you. More than any other. Your lips were soft and warm, a comfort in the cold Wisconsin night air. I can't even bring myself to go on. Remembering all of this hurts so much, because I know we'll never be together again. You're too far away. I'm too distant. I miss you. 180 miles. 3 hours. "And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall" I miss you. I love you. I need you. I wish you understood. I wish you knew. I wish I was [your] one. [www.sitdiary.net/vix3n]

I guess this is the part where I pour my heart out. Bear with me. I'm not used to doing this, to writing everything down. I used to write letters to you all the time, but... lately, things have been different, and I stopped writing letters because sometimes, writing down your feelings means realizing things about yourself, and I learned some things that I wish I'd never found out. But that's for another day. Basically, you can consider this a conjoined letter. It isn't just to you, it's to my friends, too. It's to everyone whose lives I touch, and everyone whose lives touch my own. The "you" is a collective you. You've begun to notice. I hear it starts out like this. First, you'll joke around with me about it. This is to lighten the mood. To judge my reaction. But also, it's to draw everyone else's eyes to it. To make everyone notice, in the hopes of making things happen. That's where we are now. I get the jokes, I get everything, and I shrug it off with a forced smile to make sure you don't get worried, but you will. Hell, you are. You'll mention it a little more, your voice will get a little more serious. It happens. Stop. Stop worrying about me. Seriously. I'm not kidding, I'm not being modest, and I'm not being ridiculous. I really, truly mean that nothing good will come of you thinking about it, even if the only time you think about it is when you notice. Because I can handle myself, and there's nothing wrong anyway, just a few things that I'm working on changing. I swear, once I get myself to that point where I feel good in my own skin, I'll stop everything, and I'll be the person you knew again. Except here's the thing. I haven't changed. Maybe I adopted a new habit. Fine. But I haven't changed anything about myself. I still think just as much as I used to, I'm still just as self-conscious as I used to be. In fact, if anything, I'm happier like this. I find pleasure in things like losing two pounds, which happens often, so I'm constantly proud of myself. So stop pretending I'm worse off, stop acting like I don't know how to control myself. I can. Shit, I talked to one of you about it already. And you agreed with me! You said you're the same way, everything. You said you understood, and then last week, you told me that your ex-girlfriend stopped eating because she thinks she's fat, and that's it's scary. "Scary like you scary", you said, and I said, "I didn't realize I'm frightening," but you stopped talking. You're trying to tell me that you're worried, and I've been telling you since January to stop. And as for you, Mister Sudden-Romance. Quit it. I've liked you for a year and two months, and let me tell you that I find nothing better than the thought that you might return said feeling, but... But if they can't handle it, who says you can? You'll find out, and you'll hate me for it. Or worse, you'll worry about me for it, and that'll put a strain on our hypothetical relationship, so let's just end it here, okay? Stop with the chocolate-buying. Stop with the flirting, with the kisses on the cheek. Fuck. I'm so vunerable right now, I could puke. No pun intended.

i lost my "best" friend and my girlfriend today... they left me for each other. god this hurts... happy valentines day everyone.

I failed a course for the first time ever. Now, all I'm ever going to be in my circle of friends is "the failure" I'm tired of being the failure. xoxo

This is my first time writing on this and I think it is a fantastic idea. I'm a senior in high school and am planning on going to a certain college. My girlfriend is planning on a different one. This worries me a lot of the time. I tell myself we can make it but i've told myself that before with other lovers. I'm wondering if i'm just fooling myself. I've turned back to smoking so i can forget about the pain for a little while. It helps me relax. i just hope my heart stays in one piece this time. it has taken it over two years to be whole again, and i don't know if i can stand to have it obliterated into the pieces i know so well.

I messed it up. I messed everything up. And now you want me, but I don't want you and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. But I can't do this, I can't hold on this long, and I hate what we've turned into. We don't talk ever, at all, not about things that really matter. What happened to those talks, the long ones? Did we ever have long ones? Did I want you because you were something new? Did I want you at all? I don't know. And all these questions keep swirling around my head, and you're always there, and you want answers, and I'm hiding from you, just like I hid from him, for the same reasons. I don't want this anymore. I don't want you. You were my best kept secret and you're my greatest mistake. xoxo

i feel like i got replaced. i feel second best. i feel unwanted. i feel made fun of. i feel unloved. i feel uncommited to. i feel bad.

i am about to tell her something that is going to break her heart...and i'm dreading it, and i feel horribly about it...but it has to be done. I'm going to tell her that I don't love her anymore... it has to be done. I can't keep hurting her, its killing me. I want her to move on, i want her to be happy. even if it means lying to her... I want to die...

dear ____, I'm sorry to inform you that I am no longer to ever be able to hang out with you. I wish I could go back and not have the OD, but it's too late, and our time has run dry. I do care, and I will miss you. I know this is going to be harder for me rather than you, especially since it has taken me 10 months to even come close to getting over you. The only way I am ever going to be okay is if we don't hang out for a while, and I know this is harsh, but time is the only thing that can heal me now, I'm sorry, you really were my best friend, and I really did love you, even though you don't believe me. Somehow I still believe one day things will be alright and go back to how they were. Maybe we will meet up at a coffee shop one day at one in the morning, even though that was some silly idea that I had, it's the only thing I have left to hold on to now. I know you can replace me, you probably already have. And you'll forget about me, and I'll slowly dissapear into nothing. love, ____

all those years, and you forgot about me. thanks. i love you too. i still have that bracelet. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU FOR FORGETTING ABOUT ME. I HATE YOU FOR MOVING ON. even though that's RETARDED. i. hate. you.

are we gonna be friends forever or are we gonna break up? after all tha twe have been through together....its seems like we hardly know each other. i really want us to fix all of our problems... i dont think that i could ever go on not being best friends with you. i would miss you way too much. love, your bff