read: askthelovers

THE END.

RED IS THE COLOUR OF ROMANCE, IT IS ALSO THE COLOUR OF MY BLOOD. "ERYN!" And she awoke to her voice. "What the fuck are you still doing here, man?!" Eryn's face began to tremble, slowly, her shaky hands raising. "Jane..." Her voice cracked. Eryn's hands rose to Jane's face. Touching it, feeling the soft skin on her cheecks. It was the first thing she felt, in a very long time. "Jane... yo--you're alive..." She said it as if it were the most reliving thing in the world. She began laughing, "Yeah, well it's nothing new..." Then she said, "I guess you fell asleep in your car, man." It was true. It was the morning after she spoke to Jane. Eryn looked around and saw she was in her car. The same black SUV she drove home the night before Jane killed herself. But none of that happened. A dream. A dream which consisted of four months but created in less then a second. "Oh Jane..." she croaked. She could feel the vomit coming to her throat, but she forced it down. The words were more important. "...Janey... I know what happened... I know about Chad.. I know about the twins.. the asylum, thats why you went away for a few months.. it wasnt a vacation... and i know about Mick... oh, god, I know it all." Jane's smile faded. "You read the diaries, didn't you?" "Janey..." Eryn laughed. "If you only knew."

I WAS WISHING I COULD GET OUT OF THIS TOWN. The rain suddenly increased and the skies turned a dark shade of grey. Eryn continued thinking "...and all these people have lives. They all live..." Her thinking was suddenly interrupted. "Eryn........Eryn..." The voice spoke. "all alive... JANE! Jane can't be dead!" The voice got louder. Loud enough so Eryn felt that everone could hear it. So loud it banged against her head! "ERYN ERYN ERYN." The voice spoke so fast, so loud, that her name sounded strange. She searched, looking everywhere, but it was nowhere. She ran to where it was the loudest, her thoughts rummaging everwhere. Eryn turned her head everywhere to find nothing. Then, there it was. She found it. The voice stopped. And everything went black.

REMEMBER ME FOR THE TIMES I RUINED YOU NOT FOR THE TIMES I MADE YOU SMILE. Eryn's body led her to the streets of New York. By now it was morning. The air smelled fresh, as water dripped from the sky, crystalizing Eryn's face. And she stood there. In the light warm rain, her arms spread, her head up, and eyes closed. With the rain dribbling on her face, everything was suddenly so confusingly clear. Several people shoved her, trying to get by. They had jobs, lives, children, problems. Better things to do than stay out in the rain like an idiot. But Eryn didn't notice. She opened her eyes and began walking. She trudged across the streets of Manhattan, passing crowds of people in the early morning. Eryn then began looking at them, observing them, carefully. None had bothered to look at her. It became evident to her, suddenly, that it was remarkable. All these people had lives. All these people have been hurt once before, loved once before, experienced all feeling. Eryn suddenly realized the whole world was somehow connected. Suddenly, one woman especially caught her eye. Completly normal looking. But too normal... nobody was ever 'normal.' Eryn didn't know these people's past, but it only mattered that they had one. None of this made any sense, but this was Eryn's mind. There were no rules. And nothing was interpreted clearly.

SEND ME BACK IN TIME. Eryn raised to her feet and crawled to Chad's bed. "Chad... Chad!" she whispered, her voice sounding delirious, with a scent of melancholy. A goodbye. Nothing more. "Woah. What are you doing here?" He clutched his blanket tightly to his bare chest. "Chad... my virginal friend... I'm leaving." "What!" "I'm running away from here." It frightened him that she was serious. Chad's shoulders fell down comfortably, and he exhaled. "Alright, look. I know I haven't given you the best of advice I could ever give, man. The reason i'm here is because I don't have a future. But you do, man. Jane... I think you're one hell of a girl. I'm going to miss you." He put his warm, slightly muscular hand on Eryn's shoulder. "D-" Eryn began, but then paused staring at him. But Chad didn't seem to know why. He had missed his mistake. "What did you call me?" "...What?" "You called me Jane." she said defiantly. "No, I didn't, man."

I'M GOING TO MISS YOU. Eryn didn't sleep that night. Or the other night. Another night in which she lay thinking about the same thing. "I've got to get outta here..." She decided, this time, she was going to get out of there. Eryn walked across the cold white tile floor. It had been dark for several hours. The souls in all the building evaporated into a deep sleep. Nobody had any idea what would happen to Eryn. And Eryn would never see these people again. These normal people in an asylum. She walked until she got there. Without a sound. And then she began laughing. Laughing until she hit the floor.

CANT STAND TO LOSE HIS VOICE. Chad's green eyes bore into Eryn's. "So the results are in." "Yeah." Whispered Eryn, calmly. And so "Eryn Smith" was at he bottom of the list. After several people evaporated, she sat there alone. Patiently. "ERYN SMITH." Finally. Three nurses shoved her down on the cold table. "We have your results." The laid her down. Eryn was suddenly becoming worried. "And you're clean." A sigh of relif would've swept over her, but the mood told her she was in that room again for something else. "Now... we encourage our... students... to stay here. We make a lot of money, you know." The disgusting man said. "Each one of you..." He spoke as if we were objects, while putting on tight blue gloves. "...is worth $8,564 dollars..." The glove slapped against his arm. "...and 24 cents.... Now we can't have anything go wrong here..." his voice didn't even strain as he said it. "So we must cut out the bad." Eryn sat unaware of what was going on. "You see..." one of the nurses explained. "All our... students here... are worth a large sum of money. So if there is any deathly illness or drug use, etc. concerning the young adults, it must be removed immediatly. Whether or not it is against the parental wishes. Basically, we don't give a shit what you parents think because your parents don't know anything. We have to give you drugs to make you look normal so your parents think this place is working. Your three-month old problem, kid, will make us lose a shitload of money." "Problem?" She darespoke. "Yeah. You're pregnant." One of the nurses smirked. "God, they're not serious. They're going to give me an abortion." Eryn immediatly thought and made a run to the door. "Yeah, you're not going anywhere." And they grabbed her, her screams not amounting to the pain she was in as everything sucked out of her body. And when it was over, she lay there while they took off the metal braces which held her down. Eryn did not cry. Eryn did not move. But she sat there, staring above at the grey celing, wishing it would fall down on her. "By the way..." The doctor said heartlessly while taking off the gloves, "You would've had twins."

YOU WORDS ARE DEADLY WEAPONS, KILLING ME... DESTROYING ME. Eryn's mother could not be happier with Cadence. Her second daughter. The one she was supposed to keep. She was not going to let her go again. She wanted nothing more to do with Eryn. This is why she sent the boxes to her oldest daughter, instead of seeing her in person. Maybe she will bring back Eryn when she felt like it. "Mommy?" Cadence's voice interrupted her ears. "Yeah, honey?" She never calls Eryn honey anymore. "Do you have any children?" The former mother of Eryn paused washing the dishes and raised her neck up. She slowly turned to Cadence's honest face. "No, honey." She lied right to innocence. "...I dont have any children."

SO WHEN YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE WILL YOU REMEMBER THIS NIGHT? Long nails scratched through Eryn's head as she looked at the boxes infront of her. She teared them open and blankly stared at the notebooks. Her fingers ran over the rough black cover. She took the heavy pages and flipped through them, the scent of photocopied paper filtering her nose. The pages cracked when she turned them, from lack of writing. Then, out fell a rose. A dried, flat crimson rose. Jane's favorite. It was then Eryn realized how much she missed her.

AND IF IM NOT HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK THEN I LOVE YOU. Mrs. Smith opened the door to her neglected past of a young girl at the age of eleven. Her mother borne her into the world of an orphanage after suffering postpartum depression. The first child was fucked up enough. She did not want to make the same mistake twice. Any place would have been better than in the arms of her mother. Even an orphanage. "Hi, Cadence, honey." Mrs. Smith grabbed her daughter's bags and led them inside. The eleven-year old girl with the blonde hair and grey eyes shyly walked in. Not knowing exactly where she was going, she was led upstairs into an open bedroom. Cadence slept that night in a bedroom whose walls were painted over to coverup the bloodstains.

GOODNIGHT, MY LOVE. Eryn walked into the room where several others were. She did not notice the fact that they were all at ease, relaxed. Completly crazy. But that was hidden. Eryn walked in and sat down, gracefully. "Hi, mommmm." She rolled her M's as if she was dancing on her words, her eyes twinkling. "Hi, honey... how are you?" "Mommmm, I'mmm sooo wonderfull..." her voice in heaven. Surprised, her mother's hopes raised. "Oh, honey... I'm so happy. How is it here? Are you happy? I miss you so much, darling." Never has her mother been so proud of her as she sat in an asylum. "Mommmm... if you only knew. I'm sooo happy...." She slurred her words. Her mother too stupid to realize drugs were forced into her by the administration. Eryn began speaking sluggishly again "But can you bring me those notebooks I had in my room? I looooove to write, mommm." "Of course. So you don't want to leave yet?" For a second, this struck a nerve in Eryn's brain. It was a question she was waiting for. Her mind yelled "YES. TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE. MOMMY I WANT MY LIFE BACK I WANT.." But her brain was taken over, manipulated. "No, mom. I want to stay." And smiled, not knowing exactly what she was saying.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. Today was visiting hours. Eryn felt her stomache turn as she sat alone. She didn't expect her mother to come. Then Eryn went back. Thinking why she was here in the first place. Back to the moment she lost herself to Mick. Back to the notebooks. "The notebooks!" She sat up. "I have to get them back...." "Smith." Nobody answered. "Uh," a gruff voice said "SMITH!" "Yeah, right here." A large muscular man grabbed Eryn by the arm. "Your mother is here." But he didn't lead her to the visiting room. He led her somewhere else. Inside a room, smelling like powder and medication. He sat her down on a hard chair and grabbed her writs tightly. Then two nurses came. One, held her shoulders, the stood next to the man, holding a shot. Her sillouette only visible. "What are you doing?" Eryn muffled, but the nurse held her palm over her mouth. It was not long before the nurse stuck the sharp needle into her skin.

I'D LOVE YOU UNTIL THE DAY I LIVE. "So... have you ever... done it before?" He said it as if it were the most forbidden sentence he ever asked. "Yeah. Have you?" "No." His answer was simple. Maybe even untrue. It didn't matter. Eryn and Chad sat silently in the room full of insanes, patiently waiting for their turn. Their turn to piss in a cup to prove to doctors that no drugs or pregnancy occured. "Chad Miller." They called him in. A minute later he walked back out. Looked like results would have to wait. But Chad didn't look worried. Several names were called before getting to "Eryn Smith." Two women dressed as nurses stood around a man. One of the women, with black short hair and short white gloves handed her a cup. It was deafening quiet. Eryn reached the restroom, to find another nurse standing there. "Uhh.." "Yeah. I'm here to make sure you don't try to fake it, kid. "Fake what?" said Eryn, dumbfoundedly. "Fake your piss." She spoke disgustingly with her fake blonde locks and hard brown eyes. "Uh..." Eryn felt extremly uncomfortable doing this in front of her, but within a short moment, she returned with a filled cup of yellow liquid. "You may leave." They said. "Gladly." Eryn said under her breath.

LIES THROUGH LIP GLOSS. "You should eat something." "I'm not hungry," Eryn sighed. "You're really skinny." Chad said. "I'm okay." Eryn met Chad a few days after the water incident. This is what they do to kids here when they misbehave, or go crazy. But everyone was crazy here. It happened all the time. Chad wasn't crazy though. In fact, he was normal. Too normal. He didn't have a past, according to Eryn. At least nothing she knew or experienced. Yet. They made a solemn agreement that they will never talk about each other's pasts. It was fair enough. They had a highly strange friendship. A friendship which would lead to nothing more. They spoke about getting out of there. They spoke about life and childhood. Things nobody would talk about, really. The pain of keeping your knees together when sitting politly, or the crooked tooth inside your mouth that you continusly run your tounge over. Or when you're watching TV and there is two shows you want to watch. You hope that somehow you can fight timing and commercials by switching back. But you know that you cant watch both.

CAN YOU SAY, THIS NEVER MADE YOU CRY. AND I AM NOT A TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE. "What is your daughter's name, Ma'am?" "Cadence Elizabeth Smith." "May I ask what your name is?" "Julia Frieda Smith." "One moment please." The lady with the green name tag which read: Katie eyed her before making a phone call. "Yes....right now. No." she spoke, and lastly whispered, "Smith... yes. Sure. I will definitly. Thank you." "Umm... Mrs. Smith?" her high pitched voice echoed in the lonely room. This immdiatly got her attention. "Yes?" she said uncertainly. "Your daughter, um," she looked at her computer, "Cadence..." she paused nervously, "is currently in no condition to see you at the moment." "Excuse me? Why, may I ask?" "I'm sorry, Ma'am. That question is confidential. I must ask you to leave." "Uh..." she laughed hesitantly. "I asked you a question. WHY can I not see MY DAUGHTER right now? I must ask you to release her NOW or there will definitly be controversy." "Ma'am." She silently pressed the button under her desk signaling security. "I must ask you to leave the premisis immediatly." Before she could speak, two large men grabbed her around the arms and shoved her out, despite her screams and attempts to get out of their reach. There was no way she could reach Cadence now.

ONCE AGAIN THAT TIME OF YEAR WHEN NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS AND THIS WHOLE WORLD IS LIKE A DREAM. It was about time Eryn's mother got rid of her. So far, she hadn't planned on seeing her again, until she felt like it. Mrs. Smith walked down to her red, dirty car. One Eryn hadn't washed since she was little. Mrs. Smith drove and drove and drove until she turned around abruptly. She skidded into a car wash and waited patiently while a few employees cleaned her car. She wanted it to be clean, to wash away memories of Eryn. Afterwards, she found herself at the bottom of a long, long staircase. She didn't read the sign, but walked right past it. The sign that read: Aryneh Orphanage. A sign she'd seen several times before. "I would like to see my daughter." she spoke confidently. The truth was, she came to see her living abortion.

YOUR SYMPATHY WILL GET YOU LEFT BEHIND. Eryn awoke in the middle of the night and walked slowly to the restroom. Many a night she came to find young girls slitting their flesh in a public restroom. But not this time. This time, Eryn was alone. She grasped cold water and drank it straight from the sink. They only gave them warm water here. Water that was never fresh. She felt herself not growing crazy, but desperate. "I want to get out of this place." she imagined. "I want to get out of here. Get away from here. I wa..." She began screaming and screaming and screaming. "What the FUCK do you think you're doing?" They grabbed her. "Waking everybody up because of your sick thoughts and wants. You're so selfish." But she kept screaming. They ripped her clothes off and threw her on the cold floor, her face hitting the walls. They immediatly brought ice cold water to her body, spraying everywhere, stinging her body until she couldn't feel it. Eryn screamed until her voice died out.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'LL BE WHEN YOU COME AROUND. Eryn sat silently, alone. Not many looked over at her, and if they did, they would assume she was new, and take her food. This continued on for several days until Eryn grew thinner and thinner. She began not eating anymore, because it had been confiscated from her. There was nothing she could do. Over the past week, several males approached her, but she simply pushed them away, not flattered by the fact that boys in an asylum were attracted to her.

I REMEMBER WAITING FOR YOU TO COME, REMEMBER WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL, REMEMBER WAITING THERE TO FIND NOTHING AT ALL. "Eryn, my dear. I am sorry for......and that I said...... as well as......I'm doing the best I can but I can't control you anymore.... I love you with all my heart...I promise I'll take you back when you're ready... Really this hospital is wonderful and they are good people... they will help you.... And Eryn. You'll always be my little girl. I'm not going to forget about you." But Eryn's bi-polar mother forgot everything.