The first few weeks of college are the true test of relationships. Many of them fail. I have personally experienced 2, and watched countless others. My roommate and her boyfriend broke up last night. I wish there was a way to make things better or easier for her. But I'm too afraid to say anything, so for now I will keep my large mouth closed. I hope things get better for her.

After a week away from Mike, and driving the 6 hours back, I came to the conclusion things are not going to work. I broke it off with him today. Enough said. I'm going to go about my life now. I feel so horrible for hurting him. Ugh.

College = Sleep deprivation I swear I haven't gone to sleep before 3am for the past 5 days. Damn people coming over and playing my Viva Pinata till 2am. Naps; life's best invention.

College is decent enough. I went to class, luckily I had Liz to go along with me so I didn't get lost or have her get lost. We have nearly the same schedule. I haven't talked to Mike in a while, it however is my own fault. Since i haven't been in the talking sort of mood. I have to spend a ton of money on art supplies, cause they guy is very particular about what he wants. So later I guess were going to go to the mall. I'm just very confused about something at the moment. I have a feeling as to where it is going to go, but I don't truly know.

Moving is not fun. I'm moving again for the 2nd time in about 4 months. Half my stuff is going to college, and the other half to florida. I can't see Mike for a while since Matt is a douche bag. I'm mad cause if it were Irene leaving, Matt would throw the biggest hissy fit if Mike made him do something rather then spend time with Irene. Ugh, this is so stupid.

I don't know. Things are not going well for Mike and I. I will be 300 miles away from him. We all know how my last long distance relationship went. I don't know what to do.

Pet peeve #1. Don't snore or make noises when I'm trying to sleep. Slepping Arangments This is not the first time i have slept in a tub.

As sleep eludes me... Today has not been the greatest of all days, it would be better if i could just fall asleep and forget most of today. Sometimes my mind runs into over drive when i become anxious or stressed and overreacts to every single thing my mind thinks. It twists it, contorts it and makes it something i think i want, something i don't know if i actually want or if its something i only think i want. I leave in a couple of days for Florida to see my father, who i miss dearly. I will be gone for 8 days. While Mike was away, it was difficult to be alone. So when i come back for the 3 whole days before i leave again for college, it will be the most difficult. I attempted to figure out our status today. Where we are and where we should go. I guess in a round about way it was me trying to see if i could bare to be without him. This change, this monstrous, bigger then me , change has be torn, stretched in so many directions that I'm so afraid of being away from him that i would rather end it now then feel pain later. He and i will be nearly 6 or more hours away from each other. Long distance hasn't worked before for me, it stressed thing to where they failed miserably. The last thing i want to do is to fail. I don't want to be that girl. The one who was cheated on to become the cheater. I don't think i could possibly do that. But then again since that happened i don't know much about myself anymore. I care about him, more then i think i should. I was hesitant to start a relationship since i knew i would be leaving, going so far away. But somehow i let myself get carried away, and here i am. Afraid to be broken or to break. I always had this idea, of how i should do things in life. How college is meant to date and experiment. I'm not saying i would whore around. Not at all. Just date. But Mike. I have him. I don't want to loose him, let alone him as one of my best friends over some idea i had, that may or may not be right for me. And who's to say anyone would actually date me anyways. Every time i talk to someone i end up freaking them out with my crazy banter about nonsense or how i loath the news. My ideas of life put me in this place. I don't like not knowing who I will spend the rest of my life with from the beginning. I don't like the delay, the confusion, or the fact i have to have patience. I want my looking to be done with, i want it to be like in the books. Where you know from first sight. Though i don't think i believe in "love at first sight". I want it to be out of my hands, to be chosen by some "alternate force", something i have no control over. I want that true love, the kind that is something you know. Something you don't have to question, but know it. Believe it.

Epic Fail. :edit: The small child attempted to make a sign saying "the Hardler Sheep Farm". Epic Fail?

Stomach-flu blows big time.

It's mean, but I hate seeing him remotely happy. It's not that i want him back, not in the slightest. It's that he no longer wanted me. And forever more i will be thinking "what was wrong with me?" Why would someone choose to hurt me? It;s no as though i could possibly hurt them back, unless of course i went by the same means of torture, cheating. He has a new girlfriend, and on some level i am happy he's moved on to someone who isn't "the other woman". I just want every person he comes in contact with to know he cheated on his ex-girlfriend. I want to know what I could have possibly done to drive him to sleep with someone else. What was wrong with me that my best friend at the time would betray me? Being cheated on made me feel: Ugly Unloved Unintelligent Repulsive Crazed Confused Hated & Useless What did i ever do to him to make him in turn make me feel those ways? I understand that she was convenient, and close, and "new", but where was his brain? Where was the though that said "break up with my girlfriend, before i sleep with another woman." that would have hurt less... maybe. Now having this all happen, it's hard to not think of myself as that list above still. It happened 6 or so months ago, but i still think about it frequently since he was a large portion of my adolescence. I have Mike now, the guy who treats me well. Who says he truly loves me. I am happy with him. It's just hard to have someone not want you anymore, and never bothering to tell you at all, let alone why. I guess my questions are: Why not just break up with me before you cheated? What could i have possibly have done to make you resort to that? Where were your morals? Why cheat on me and make me out to be the bad person? ------------- Mike has been gone to Washington D.C. for a week or more. It's difficult to be without him. I don't know what to do when i move to college, over 6 hours away.

I was at the viewing for over 3 hours. Not because of the line, but because i wanted to, and to be there for Dan. Tomorrow after the funeral, we may go and do something. I don't know what though. Chad was one of the good ones, the guy who was never mad and had a heart of gold. I wish i got to know him better.

R.I.P. Chad About one month ago exactly i graduated with him, and that was the last day i saw him. I went to kindergarten through senior year with him in school. He once ate a whole 5lb melted Hershey candy bar on the bus. He was driving his Ninja motorcycle 100mph on a small country road at 10am and hit a tractor.

Having too much time on my hands leads to bad dreams and unstable minds. I had a dream about my ex. It was as if were were to see each other now. Only as much as i truly want to hurt him for all the nonsense he put me and my family through i didn't. Stupid dreams, make me feel like garbage. Mike is gone for over a week to DC for a medical forum. He's not having fun. I stayed up till 1am helping him pack, then came back down to his house at 6, to sleep some more till 8. We drove him to the airport at 9ish and waited for him to get on. I was the one with the directions, i knew where to go. But hes down there, and its all medical based and he has no interest in it, bit somehow his mother made him go. So while hes gone, i will try and keep busy. Hanging out with my friends for the most part. Trying to set up a time to hang out with Rachael. We haven't hung out since he party and before that around graduation. but Harmony and i are going to go to Florida with my mom in august to see my dad. He got his letter, and when he called to tell me he read it i was in Wal-Mart. He sounded like he was going to cry. I miss my daddy ^_^

Tonight is the last night my dad and I will live in the same house. i went to Wal-mart today and bought him his favorite candy and stuff and put it in a bag. I wrote him a letter saying how I'm proud of him sticking with such a sucky job for my mom and i. How hes not leaving me, even though he thinks he is. How he should pick the job he wants now, whether it be a fisherman or not. And how i love him. I put that in the bag as well and stapled it all shut. Hes not supposed to open it till her gets there. I hope it doesn't make me sad or anything. :the rest of my entry My father and I have a very strange relationship. I don't hear him speak often aside from the sound of his snore. He works usually from 7 am to nearly 6 or so at night. Leaving me with literally no time to spend with him, and the time we do spend together is awkward and feels forced. He and I have no common interests and little to talk about. I have probably only have heard him (that I remember mind you) speak to me about 150 times. When he has the urge to tell me something it has to go through a check system called mother. He tells her to tell me something. Usually he’s never around or awake when I have an answer so I just tell her instead, so she will go and tell him. Regardless of our strange relationship, I love him dearly. Now to the point of why I am writing a thing about my dad. In about 5 hours, my dad and I will no longer live together. My mom and I however will. See my dad is moving to Florida, about 1200 miles away for his new job. He went down there a couple of weeks ago for a job interview, and lo and behold he got the job. My mom and he have been planning this since 2004 or so. So him going down is not a bad thing, it’s to get their life down there started. My mom and I will live here until I go to college in August. She will move down there with him in September. He keeps telling her how he feels like he is leaving me. He’s not, as much as I will miss him a lot, he’s not leaving me. For the past couple of weeks I have had the urge to spend time with him, but again who wants to watch hunting shows with their dad when they are cry when things die? Who wants to watch their father sleep, and listen to him snore. Alright, well watching him sleep is somewhat entertaining, but it’s not like our relationship is progressing from me sitting there chuckling. I all comes down to that my dad and I have had such limited time together, and even though I barely know a thing about him, I do love him and will miss him.

Mental breakdown of the century : Today. Most of the group decided to go to Primo's for pizza and dinner. While there Mike accidentally spilled soda all over my and by bag. I got up cleaned myself off and threw down $12 and left. Mike followed me. I kept telling him to go back and eat so i didn't waste my money. He followed me anyways. We got back to his house, my new found home, where Matt saw me and asked if i was alright. "Fuck off" was my retort. I walked inside threw my bag in his room and went to the bathroom to was off the soda... where i then cried for 5 minutes. I went and picked up my bag and went into the living room where no one was since Mike was in his room. I began to wash off my bag and empty it since everything was coated in soda. I then bust into tears again where Mike just held me and made me feel better. Since my dad is leaving, i feel somewhat like hes leaving me. We have a very strange relationship where he and i hardly ever see each other. When we are together though, we never speak. Me actually going to college hit me all at once. Leaving all my good friends, where i will hardly see them while away. Being so far away from Mike. Not having my best friends near by like Mike and Rachael. I would include Marissa but her and i haven't spoken kindly since she left the day after graduation on the 7th. I'm not very good with change. It's not something i have been accustomed to or i can acclimate to easily. I'm excited for college, just terrified of loosing all the people who mean a lot to me. It was just this year, the first time in my life that i actually have true friends like Mike, Rachael and Sara. I'm terrified of loosing a lot of people who mean so much to me. And my father leaving, with this to be last of the time we truly live together. Even though hes usually a nonentity in the house, it will still be so difficult for me to actually have food in the fridge, to not trip over his boots, or find large amounts of dirt on the floor he tracks in, and lastly wake up to the sounds of him making coffee and packing his lunch in the wee hours of the morning. I will miss him.

My dad is moving away. My dad a couple of weeks ago got a job interview in Florida, in the area my parents are planning on moving to after i go to college. We found out a couple of days ago he got the job. So my parents are leaving to go get him settles on the 5th of July. Which means only a couple more days of me having a full time father. My dad and i have a very strange relationship. I have only hear the man talk to me less then 100 times. Hes here occasionally but most of the time i only say "Good Night" to him all day, for days on end. --------- I went to college orientation last week. It was so damn boring aside from the car ride and being in the dorm room with Sara. I have come to realize she is going to make my vocabulary very crude. It's going to be an interesting time at college with her as my room mate since she is hysterical, loud, crude, outspoken and strange. I cant wait to see how our room looks after 3 days. Its going to be bad.

Today was more sad then fun. Today was my grad party, both of my best friends didn't come and didn't bother to tell me. I cried a lot today. It hurt a lot. It's hard to explain how to feels to have your best friends not come to your graduation party and not tell you beforehand. I'm not sure how to act anymore toward them, I'm not sure i can forgive them. At least Jan, Ceasar, Mike, Harmony, Kevin, Ricky, Rich, Irene, Caroline, and Matt came. Its only me, Mike, Ricky and Rich staying over. At least some of my friends bothered to come.

Remembering past events makes me feel old. So Monday i hung with my first ex-boyfriend. Brian, not the current ex, douchbag. Hes changed a bit, but then again he hasn't. Hes still the same ADD, hyperactive guy i knew, but physically hes changed. Hes taller of course, and he's got a friggen mohawk. It was weird walking and talking with him, so much has changed since we last talked 3 years ago. My life nothing really has changed except for my ex and Mike, but thats because my ex took up my entire life unfortunately. However he's studious and going to college for aerospace stuff. It was just strange talking about old times, and how we were as children. We met up with Harmony quick and she mentioned my gradpart on Thursday, that i had not invited him to. So as to not be a bitch i invited him. Later i told Mike about how i had to invite him even though i really don't want him there since most of my current friends don't really get along with him and the whole fact Mike would feel awkward and poor Punzi might kill him. So i texted him saying that Punzi would be there and Mike thinks it wold be uncomfortable. So i kinda "un-invited" him. I feel slightly bad, but crap, i didn't really want him there in the first place. all in all it was a good day meeting up with him and chatting about old times. I cant say i really miss the kid, but i do miss being so naive, ignorant and innocent. When politics didn't bother me, and i was ignorant to the world around me. But i have to say, i wouldn't trade my life or anything, I'm too damn happy to trade this for anything. It's take me a while to get to the place i am now. My family, my friends and myself; they mean the world to me.

I now present to you the Graduate class of 2008! I have my high school diploma and it still hasn't dawned on me yet, Honesdale High School is no longer my school.