And this is why insomnia is dangerous - not because losing sleep would negatively affect my health...but because it leads me to finding journal sites and creating one. Actually, my first SITDiary was five years ago. I was 15, and rambunctious. I was also looking for trouble, and to simultaneously get me out of it. The only thing I think I trully discussed was inane bullshit. But that's how it goes when you're 15: Your life is full of pulsating bullshit. So...you start looking forward to growing up, and escaping the years you spent cocooning yourself in it. But it never is quite that easy, is it? The euphoria of being 18 leaves quickly. In fact, it probably only lasts a few months. The idea that now you are free. Now your life begins. Everything before that moment was trivial and non-constructive towards building a bigger and brighter future. Reality hits. Life is not this grandiose pleasure box. Life is also not (for most) a torturing cell of angst. In fact, life is just sort of there. Just middle of the road; sometimes bad, sometimes good. So then life becomes this search of exciting new things to spice up the mediocre - this can also be called denial. Drugs, booze, cigs, and sex then usually enters the equation. And it's wonderful. It's everything you ever wanted it to be, because you can be anyone you want to be on it. And that's where I've been for over a year. Strung out, coming down, drunk, fucked, fucking, and generally smelling like an ashtray. Now I realize that I'm fucking 20. I also realize that I don't know shit. While I may not be willing to give up Marb 100s... Or Jameson/RedStripe/JackDaniels... Or the lovely young men and women who crawl in between my sheets... And I most definitely cannot pass up ganja... I don't have to be a fucking idiot about it. This better not be a sign of maturity. Or I'm going to have to buy that fucking kiddy pool I've had my eyes on.