It’s not that I don’t have the courage to talk to you about this. I just want you to actually hear me out. I am dependant of you. I don’t mean to me. I didn’t plan it. I fought it at the beginning. But then I just became use to it. And I guess I didn’t really see it until now. And you know. Maybe you should come up here this quarter by yourself, without me. Because I seem to be the reason for everything. I’m the reason you don’t have money, I’m the reason you don’t study…..I’d just rather you be unhappy because I’m not up here..then you be unhappy because I’m up here and making it harder on you. You said that if I didn’t come up here then I would just be proving everyone right. You’re wrong. The only people who are doubting me…the only reason I know them is because of you. My family and my friends….no matter how unsupporting they can be…they’re still going to love me. They aren’t going to judge me….I’m starting to think that you would just be better off without me….at all.…whenever I asked you if it was a good idea that I should just stay home this quarter….you said “I’m still not going to do well, and you’re just going to prove them right”…you didn’t say that you needed me…you didn’t say anything of that sort. I love you. I’m in love with you….and I always will be….but the question is….are you? Whenever I tell you I love you, I mean it with everything that I am. When you say it….its just like an automatic response….I think you just need to sit and really think about it.

I’ve never been very good with words. I have trouble writing about how I feel and what I’m thinking. Talking about it is even harder for me. I’ve always been closed off. There’s only been one person that I ever let in, and she deserted me when I needed her the most. I keep friends at a distance because I’m afraid that I’ll need them and they won’t be there. It’s worked well for me, until you came along. You made me realize how unreal I was. I was just going through the motions, numb to the world. I was worried at first, that I wouldn’t be able to trust you. That you would feel closed off from me. I was surprised that I not only let you in, but I gave myself completely to you. With you, it’s so easy to be myself. I never feel as if I have to guard myself around you. It’s like I’m free. Free from judgment and disappointment. I’ve willingly given you the power to control my emotions. Because in my eyes, only your opinion matters to me. I only care what you think, no one else matters. You hold all of me, and you carry it with you wherever you go. I’m not okay right now. Because not only did you leave, but you took everything that I am with you. It’s as if I’m back to square one, just going through the motions. Numb to everything but the pain. The pain is the only thing that I can focus on. It makes me feel like at least a little bit alive. I know you can tell that there’s something wrong with me. I’m hurting, but it’s starting to feel normal now. I’ve lost hope, I need you to help me find it again. I need you to help me in general. I’ve just been so angry lately, at everyone. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m so in love with you, and it’s so hard to be away from you. We’re meant to be together, because apart we’re broken. I want to be whole again. I don’t want to hurt anymore, I just want to end the pain.

I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to many you feel better anymore. It’s beyond just loneliness now, and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t understand how you’re feeling. I’ve never experienced it. I don’t know what you want from me anymore. I can’t stand that you’re pushing me away. It hurts me, so much. I need you, and when you push me away it makes me feel as if you don’t need me. I hate that this is so hard, and it just keeps getting harder. You think that I don't want to talk to you when you're feeling depressed. But I do..I want to. I want to know what you're feeling, and why you're feeling that way. Because I love you. You've become a part of me. But, you don't seem to understand that. I wish you would. Because I need you to need me...and it seems like you don't.

I know that you aren’t okay, it kills me that you’re not. I know that isn’t my fault, but I hope that I can find a way to make you feel like you belong there. You’re expecting too much of yourself. You’re trying to be the absolute best, and you don’t have to be. I wish you would realize that. That it’s okay to struggle. You can’t keep pushing yourself to be perfect, to make everyone proud. Everyone is already proud of you. You think that if you don’t make the perfect grades, and work your ass off everyone is going to think that you’re a failure. We are so proud of you Ashley. It’s hard to do all of the things that you’re doing. But you’re up there doing them. You haven’t quit. It would be so easy for you to come home, and transfer back. You aren’t though…because you’re strong enough to be where you are. You think that you’re not, but I know differently. I love you, and it isn’t because you’re perfect. I love you because you make me a better person. I love every single flaw that you have. Your flaws sync with my own, and the outcome is beautiful. I know that you need be to be there with you. I’m trying so hard, all we can do is wait. I have a feeling that even when it comes for me to move up there, there are going to be obstacles. We’ll make it through them though, we always do. It’s going to be hard, harder than it has been. But I know that it’ll be okay. I’ll fight for it, I’ll fight for you. You’re worth it. And when we’re finally together, it’ll be for the rest of our lives.