I just started reading this book called Fearless. Which is ironic, because that's how I wish I felt. Maybe that's why I'm reading it. Part of me hopes that Max Lucado, the author, will somehow be able to teach me how to be more fearless. I need to feel strong right now, because what I'm doing for her is scary for me. I owe her this, which is the only reason I've agreed to go through with it, but that doesn't mean I want to. I mean, I was okay with the idea at first, but that was when it was just that, an idea. Now that it's real, I find myself avoiding anything that will make it happen. Like not checking my email on a daily basis, or answering my phone everytime I don't recognize a number. The worst of it is that she trusts me enough to let me handle the most important part. What she doesn't realize is that I haven't been working my hardest to make it happen. Which makes me a horrible person, because it's what she desperately wants. It took awhile, but this has become my home. A place where I'm comfortable. One where I love the campus, my friends, and both of my jobs. I worked too hard to make a life here, and I'm not ready to throw in the towel and move back. Which is why I'm not real enthusiastic about finding someone to take over our apartment lease. And until that gets done, I can't apply for a new job, or start looking for a new apartment. I don't want to start over. Which makes me a really selfish person, because I feel like all I'm thinking about is what I want, and not what she wants. The thing is, I can't figure out why I'm so scared to leave this place, when it would probably be easier if we moved back. There's just so much we still have to do before it could happen. Which brings me back to the book. I need to be fearless, and trust God. If not for myself, then for her, because she wants and deserves this move. Even if it's something that I'm not ready to do. Plus, it's new year's eve, which in itself means change. So maybe I'm suppose to embrace it. -------- Writing used to help me cope with my life... I don't know if it does anymore.

I'm unhappy... for all the wrong reasons.

I don't think she can love me forever. Or maybe it's the other way around? I don't know. But our passion for each other isn't there like it used to be. Maybe that's life. People say that it happens, but you never think YOUR life will turn out the same way as other people's life. You always think that yours will be better somehow. Or maybe it's hope. You HOPE that when you fall in love with someone that the passion you have for that person will always stay the same. But life isn't like that, I guess. Eventually it dies down. It happens so quick that you don't realize it until it's too late. For instance, towards the beginning of the relationship you're having sex all the time, and the next thing you know you're lucky to be having it once every 2 months. -------- I don't want to move back to Marietta. There... I said it. The truth is, I miss my family, yeah... but that's it. There's nothing else for me. I've started a new life for myself in Newark. A life that I'm happy with. One that I'm not ready to give up. Not unless I have to. The people I work with, at both of my jobs, are like my second family. The campus is beautiful, and perfect. I love the instructors, and COTC has one of the best nursing programs in Ohio. The past couple of weeks when I've been so worried about whether or not my mom has cancer, I've cried a lot. But I've probably cried just as much whenever I've thought about having to possibly move back here if she does.

A week or so before Andrea came to visit, Niki and I were having some problems. We were fighting a lot and the sexual part of our relationship was almost nonexistant. But while Andrea was here I think it helped Niki and I realize how lucky we were to have each other. It was almost like we were back to normal which was good because I missed her, and sharing that intimate part of our relationship with her. But now we're right back where we started... and it's my fault. I'm beginning to think I'm a sex addict or something. So now, I've started distancing myself from her again. Only this time it's because I would rather her think that I'm mad. That way I don't have to deal with the fact that I'm a stubborn and selfish bitch, which is the one and only reason her and I aren't "okay". Whenever things get better, I'm always the one that screws it up. I have a lot of problems. Most of which deal with self-esteem issues. But she's the one suffering because of these problems... when it should be the other way around. Sometimes I feel like she deserves better than me... she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship that's constantly going up and down on this emotional roller coaster. It's not fair to her... because none of this is her fault. It never was, and it never will be. She tries so hard, and I just push her way because I don't want to hurt her anymore. If I could just figure out how to punish myself without hurting her, then everything would be okay.

An entry that I wrote about a year ago was a list of things that made me happy. But a lot has changed since then and I've decided that I want to update that list. So here it goes. For me, happiness is: cooking dinner with Niki... singing with her in the car... looking up at the stars on a clear night... seeing a rainbow after it stops raining... laying in bed with Niki after a long day... watching her dance... knowing I made someone else smile... being there for someone when they need me... dreaming... watching movies with Niki... kissing her... remembering the past, but being ready for the future... knowing that I finally found my soulmate... watching a storm... laying on clean sheets... feeling an unexpected breeze on a hot summer's day... cleaning... having enough gas in my car to make it to a gas station... hearing Niki say, "I love you"... feeling safe... getting a good grade an assignment... being in love... learning something new... making a new friend... traveling, whether it be to a new place or an old one... hearing good stories... giving Niki a hug... finding money in my pocket... eating chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven... wrapping myself in a warm blanket... seeing good things happen to good people... watching FRIENDS, Grey's Anatomy, and Private Practice... taking hot showers on cold days... getting paid... listenig to someone talk who has an accent... doing random acts of kindness... being productive... setting goals for myself... achieving those goals... finding a good parking spot... people-watching... seeing Niki smile... giving and receiving compliments... talking to my parents over the phone... visiting my parents... working on-campus... buying stuff for mine and Niki's apartment... hearing her voice... and having her be the last person I see at night and the first person I see in the morning. A lot has changed in the past year, but I'm a much better person now, and I'm so blessed to have everything and everyone that I do in my life. I wouldn't change a thing.

She makes me so incredibly happy, and I can't imagine my life without her. I need her, and I love her, but I've realized that I can't have just her and be happy. I need you, God, family, and other friends. I want to feel needed by more than one person, and I haven't lately. I need to feel like I mean more to other people besides just her. I miss knowing people. I feel alone here. I mean, I'm with the one person that I'm in love with, and I'm extremely lucky, but... I miss you, and just having friends in general. I also miss my family. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I have one anymore because I never see them. I guess maybe I'm still getting used to all of this. Or maybe I never will. I don't know.

I see a future in her eyes... a future out of reach. Everytime I look at her, I feel a sense of happiness... a happiness that could be broken. I can't seem to grasp the concept of true love. It seems unreal. And my biggest fear is that all of this is just a dream that I'm going to wake up from soon. It all seems too good to be true, because I'm in love with her. So deeply in love with her that it feels unreal. I see her everyday, and I know that I can't keep being this lucky. I feel like she's going to be taken away from me, because isn't that what happens? True love isn't real. Love like this isn't real. Most people just learn to settle... but for the first time in my life, I know that I'm not doing that with her. She's the absolute best there is for me and I'm lucky that I found her. But what if I'm not allowed to have the best? What if no one is? What if when you get it... if you ever get it... it's taken away from you? She just moved in with me, and everything seems to be going perfectly... but life's not suppose to go that way. Which means something's going to go wrong soon. Something's going to happen. Something bad... and I'm not going to be able to stop it, or make it better. What if I lose her? What if she wakes up one day and realizes that it's too hard... that I'm not worth it... that she can't do it anymore? I'm scared of how unreal this all feels... scared of waking up one day and realizing that it all really is just a dream... scared of losing her... scared of not making it in this world... and scared of messing up.

"It’s easy to be brave when in mortal danger. It’s all instincts and reflex once you work past being frightened and frozen. It’s incredibly easy to do what’s brave and right and true when you’re seconds away from death: Too easy when you compare it to the ‘bravery’ of everyday life... Sometimes, just getting up in the morning and carrying on with life in the best way you know how is the most brave and noble thing you will accomplish. I can’t remember what that ‘best’ way is now. I feel like I’m making everything up as I go along and I’m floundering terribly. I have no plan, no idea and it unsettles me immensely. It’s impulse followed by consequence which leads me deeper into dangerous territory. I’m doing everything wrong but it feels right and nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I wish the world could live and die with logic alone. I wish I could..."

It's weird that you talked about how you're scared you're going to be a letdown... or that he's going to be disappointed when he hangs out with you. Because the other night, Niki and I were talking about how she was scared before we went on our first date. She had convinced herself that she wasn't going to be good enough... and that she'd be a "let down" because maybe I wouldn't think she was as pretty as I had expected her to be, or as amazing. But you know what? We had already fallen in love before we even went on our first date, kinda like you and Gabe... and the moment I saw her for the very first time, I thought she was absolutely beautiful. And as she walked towards me, I knew that her and I were going to work out, because she was everything I knew she would be, and more. The first thing I said to her was, "awe, you're beautiful", and it was so true. My point that I'm trying to get at is... you might have already convinced yourself that you're going to somehow not live up to what he's built you up to be in his mind... but that's only because you're scared. And you're allowed to be. But honestly, I know that the feelings you both have for each other are real... and you're not going to be a "letdown". You're going to be everything he believes you to be, and more. And even if you're nervous and act kinda closed off when you first hangout with him, that's not going to change anything. He's still going to see you as "this smart, pretty, and awesome" girl that he has fallen for. And if the distance hasn't stopped you guys, I don't think anything ever could. So stop worrying so much... because the way I see it, you guys are meant to be. All you have to do is let things happen.

To Niki, I think I figured out why I'm so scared. Why I've been so crazy the past couple days and why I've been pushing you away. It's because I know that I'm not okay here. I'm away from a place that's been my home for over half my life... and people that I love. I miss everything that I left behind, everyday... and I know you will too. That's what scares me... because I'm not okay here, so how can I expect you to be? How can I expect you to pact up all your stuff and move here to be with me, and be okay leaving everything behind? Everything that you've ever known. I know you love me. But it's going to be hard. So hard, that sometimes I worry. I know you say you want to be with me forever... and I feel the same... but I don't feel like I'm good enough to make you okay here. You say I am, but I know how hard it is to be away from family and friends. In a place that you're so unfamiliar with that you wonder how it could ever feel like home. I'm in love with you. And I can't wait to start our life together. It's what I want, mor than anything else. For you to be here with me... everyday. I hate missing you. I hate being away from you. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. When you're not with me, I feel like a part of me is missing... and I can't breathe. I don't feel alive when I'm not with you. It's almost like there's no purpose for my day. I have no one to wake up next to. No one to come home to. No one at all. And I need you. You make me okay. You make me feel like I have a reason to live. You're the love of my life. The person I live for.

I'm realizing that I have absolutely no idea what I want anymore. I don't think I ever did. I just THOUGHT that I did... or maybe I just hoped. It doesn't matter either way though. All that matters is that I'm lost. And as hard as I try, I can't seem to find myself again. Maybe it's because I don't know when I lost myself... Everything's just been so hard the past couple months. But like my mom said, "welcome to adulthood". So I guess I need to just suck it up and hope it gets better. My parents are proud of me, I think. I've been trying so hard lately to get things together. And it's stressful as hell, but I'm doing it... because I have to. ... and I lied. I do know one thing I want. Just one though. Her name's Niki and she's the one thing, or rather, the one PERSON in my life that forces me to step back and breathe... in the mist of everything. And she's who I want... she's who I need. Nothing in my life makes any sense to me right now. Nothing except her... and I thank God that I have her in my life. Without her, I don't know what I'd do.

This life that I'm living... it's not me. I haven't felt like me ever since I moved here. This person that I am here is someone who's closed off. Someone who doesn't care about things that used to mean so much to her. Someone that doesn't cherish everyday as if it were her last, but instead, hopes that it is. I've become someone that doesn't pray. That rarely even thinks about God on any given day. This isn't who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. And I'm not okay here. I'm not okay by myself. Without my family... my friends... and the girl that I love. I go through everyday here as if nothing matters. As if I have nothing to live for. As if nothing here is worth the effort... because everything that means something to me isn't here. Everything I care most about is an hour and a half to two hours away from me. And without those things... without those people... I'm not me. I'm someone else. Someone that I don't know. And I can't pretend to be happy here. It's too hard... because it takes everything that I have. And I have nothing. I'm here... and I have nothing here. It's empty here. I'm empty here. And that's all that I feel. Emptiness.

"They say we leave this world just the way we came into it - naked and alone. So, if we do leave with nothing, what then, is a measure of a life? Is it defined by the people we choose to love? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments? And what if we fail? Or are never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Or will the quiet desperation of a life gone wanting drive us mad?"

Lately I've felt disconnected from everything and everyone I've ever known. I'm here in this place that doesn't feel like home. It feels like I'm just here temporarily and soon I'll be going back to what I know. Where I've always felt comfortable and safe. But that's the thing. It was safe there in Marietta with my family and you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm suppose to feel this way. And if so, when does it go away? When do I start feeling like I belong here? When do I start feeling comfortable and safe without my family? Without you? I don't see it happening. Not when all I ever think about is how much I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. I miss Marietta so much that it hurts. I'm physically hurting, and I can't make it stop. It's constant. I miss feeling okay. I miss smiling and it being real... it meaning something. I miss hanging out with you and our group of friends. I miss actually HAVING a group of friends. I miss being apart of something so sacred and special. Our group of friends was so important to me. But I didn't realize it as much at the time. I didn't realize how I was taking that for granted. But now that it's gone, I want it back more than anything. I want you back. Our late night talks. Our inside jokes. Our crazy adventures in my car. Everything. All that we knew. All that we had together. And not just that. Not just us. I also miss Lauren. I miss the way we all never stopped caring so much about her, no matter what she did. I miss how I was the only one that understood her half the time, and why she did all that she did. And I miss my family. Being away from my parents has made me realize how much I looked up to them. And I always thought it was my mom. But I now realize that my dad was and is still someone that I admire the most. And I miss him. I miss his jokes and the way that him and I had this special way of understanding each other. We didn't always show it, but it was there. And I don't know how to be okay here without all of you. I don't know how to deal with not having anyone anymore. Nothing's the same. And I can't explain how much I want everything back. How I would give anything to be okay again. I want that, more than anything.

I've realized that I'm not a part of your life anymore. Things between us aren't the same, and they weren't even before I moved. But that's my fault, not yours. And now I see pictures of you and your separate life. We used to be togeter all the time, and now we're lucky to talk a couple times a week. I should have tried harder with you while I still had the chance. While I was still living intown. But I didn't, and I'm sorry. I see pictures of you and Alaina, and you seem happy in them. Just like you were in all the pictures with me. You seem okay. Like you're okay without me. And I know it's probably not true... and I know you say she hasn't "replaced" me... but even so, she gets that part of you that I used to have. And I hate that, because I miss you. I miss us. I guess I just want to make sure you know that.

I miss waking up to Miya laying on the floor right beside my bed... feeling like I was apart of this sacred circle of friends... hearing daily sarcastic remarks from Kim... having meaningful conversations with my dad almost every night. I miss being only a couple blocks away from you... going on walks with you downtown at night... playing fetch with Miya... sitting on my back porch looking at the hospital at night. I miss seeing my mom everyday... eating dinner with my family... sleep overs with you, Ali and Lauren... you showing up at my house late at night, just to hug me. I miss your dad saying, "Ashley... we've missed you"... watching movies in your living room... being able to watch the OSU games with your mom. I miss going to church and youth group with you... driving around with you to where ever... feeling safe. I miss not having to worry about what happens if I don't work at least 20 hours a week... going on Ali's paper routes with her everyday. I miss talking to her like I used to... knowing all I have to do is drive 20 minutes out to Vienna in order to see Niki... seeing Char waddle behind Miya... not having to worry about paying for rent, groceries, and everything else. I miss Braden... talking to him... knowing that I could go to him for anything. I miss everything. It's so hard getting ready for the future when I'm so busy living in the past.

My whole life drastically changed in a matter of days, and I'm constantly being reminded of that fact... every second of everyday. I went from 1.) living with my parents and having a sence of security, 2.) seeing you and Niki whenever I wanted, 3.) not really having to work, and 4.) not having the stress of going to classes and studying... to the total opposite. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. Like everything changed too fast and there are times where I'm so overwhelmed that I just sit and ball my eyes out, because I don't know what else to do. I don't have my parents right there by my side anymore, or you and Niki... and I work over 20 hours a week, plus juggle my classes and study time. I don't have time for anything else. I'm trying to hard to talk to Niki as much as possible... because I miss her so much. And I can't let this distance tear us apart. I won't. I love her too much to let anything like that happen....

Niki wrote this for me at 5:00 this morning. "I've realized that I can't pretend to be happy and okay. I just can't do it anymore. I've tried so very hard to be strong. For you, for me. But, I'm broken baby. I'm broken because I can't go to sleep without your head on my shoulder, and your breath on my neck. I can't wake up to see your tired smile, and your beautiful eyes. I need you Ashley, I'm not okay without you. Every time I look at someone, I see you. My whole life I've been so numb and unaware of the beautiful things that you have given me these past months. You've given me hope, strength, pride, and an endless love. I can't have only little bits of you, I want all of you. I need all of you. Thats why I'm going to promise you right now that we will be together, soon. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to hear your beautiful laugh, and see your gorgeous face every day. Theres no way that I can't. It might take time, but not much. Fifty years from now I want to be able to say that I met the girl of my dreams at nineteen, and from there on I spent each morning thanking god for letting me wake up to the love of my life. I want that so bad, and it's hard. But hopefully each tomorrow will be better than the todays and yesterdays. I will do anything to make that possible, you're worth it love. We're worth it. I love you so very much and I always will, forever."

Pros 1. lower rent (under $200 as opposed to $265-$270/month) 2. lower grocery costs (split between 4 people instead of 3) 3. group outings (the four of us) 4. My happiness. 5. Ali and Niki could gang up on me (I promise I won’t mind, if you let her move in) Cons 1.) 1 bathroom, 4 people SOLUTION: We can easily make this work. Niki and I aren’t going to have to use the bathroom for anything other than pooping and showering. I promise I’ll poop when I have a lot of time and when no one else needs the bathroom for a least 10 minutes, since we all know that it takes me awhile sometimes J Her and I can also do our makeup and everything else in our room, because I have that mirror. We can also make a shower schedule or something, if you guys want. Her and I can take showers together, if we have to. You guys both take showers together too sometimes, which is faster and saves water. 2.) Corey having to live with 3 girls. SOLUTION: He can have guys over whenever. And if me or Niki are PMSing or something then we can stay in our room, if that would make him happy. 3.) Me and Niki always being up in my room, away from you guys. SOLUTION: This only happened because we wanted to spend as much alone time together as possible, since we never get to see each other. But if she moved in, we wouldn’t have to do that, because we’d get to see each other whenever we wanted. She’d have her own car, her own full time job. She’d only be bringing up a few things, like clothes, books, and movies. That’s all. She doesn’t plan on bringing a whole lot, and it’d all fit in my room. So you don’t have to worry about her taking up a bunch of free space or something. Plus, all of us aren’t always going to be home at the same time anyway. The three of us are going to have classes and work, almost everyday, and she’ll be working everyday. The only time we’re all probably going to be home at the same time is after at least 5 or 6 at night. I know that Ali was up here this whole past year by herself, and that you guys couldn’t see each other all the time. And I look up to her for being able to do that, because I’m already having an extremely hard time with it. But, if the two of you could have been together this past year… if Corey would have been able to come up here and live with you, Ali, then wouldn’t you have jumped on that opportunity? Because I have that now. I have that opportunity, and I’m asking you guys to let me take advantage of it. I love her, and I need her. It’s too hard to be up here without her, and I don’t know if I can do it. Whether I keep myself busy working and going to my classes, I don’t think I’m strong enough to go weeks without seeing her. I want her here. I want to start my life with her. And I want you guys to let me do that. We can make this work. I’ll do whatever I can to make this work. Whatever you guys want. So please, let me do this.

I need her Em. I need her here with me. I know you already know that. But it hurts. I came home from work today expecting to see her here, waiting for me, like she was all last week. But she wasn't. I came upstairs to my room and when I opened my door, she wasn't there. I knew she wouldn't be... but I wanted her to be. I wanted her there, just like she was a couple days ago. I would walk in, and she'd be laying there. Sometimes she'd still be asleep, and other times she'd look up at me, when she heard me come in, and she'd have the biggest smile on her face... and the moment I saw that smile, I knew how much she had missed me... and it reminded me of how much I had missed her throughout the day at work, and at the same time, how happy I was to see her. I got to come home to her... and it was like we were married. Like that was gonna happen for the rest of our lives. And everytime I walked into my room last week and I saw her, and her smile... I was okay. For the first time that whole day, I was fully okay. I wasn't missing her... I wasn't wearing a mask... I wasn't pretending to be anything. I was just... okay. And it felt so good. She makes me feel so good. So happy. I don't know how she does it... or how it's possible for someone to make you feel the way that she makes me feel... but that's how it is. It's what she does to me. And I want that for the rest of my life. I want her. I need her. I love her. And it kills me that Ali and Corey are trying to take that away from me. I've been sick to my stomach all day, worrying about whether or not they're gonna let her move in. And I cried when I got home from work today. I sat on the floor in my room and I balled my eyes out. Then I cried more a little bit ago. It's too hard, and if they don't end up letting her move in, I don't think I can do it. I can't be here without her. I can't go without seeing her for 3 weeks at a time. I can't. I'm not strong enough. I am with other things... but not this. This hurts too much. Being away from her like this... it hurts so much. And it's killing me.