[Take me back to the person I was when i first met you. I was irrationally happy and i liked that..] I was thinking the other day about how incomplete i feel. Not that I don't have everything i need to survive, but more in the sence that i "just don't know". I really don't what is good for me anymore. Is what makes me happy, good for me? My obsession over *him* which makes me happy good for me? When i push people away because they make me angry good for me? I feel like i have no guidance like I did as a child when things were straight right and wrong. I guess life is all about finding whats best for you. [i have an addiction to caffine and it makes me the happiest version of myslef. Is that bad?]

I would like to think I am a rational human being. Most decisions I have are based on a rational basis except for those occational ice cream splurges and my crazy procrastination habits. I have friends, I understand humor and would like to consider myslef intelligent. But as soon as I see *him* I am not Cameron anymore. I am anything but her. Last night a few friends and I decide we would make a late night Ridgers Diner trip for some pancakes and what not. We get there and at the corner in the restaruant I see a group of boys, and sure enough Dylan there will all of his friends. I can't help be excited. I think of what to say, how to play the situation. Then i realized that i am thinking way to much, just go over there and say hello. What's the big deal? The deal was, I go over there, we chat, I sit at the table and for the rest of the night can't take my mind off of him. When will i see him next, what is he thinking? does he think i look good? I got so excited over the fact that he talked to me I couldn't think straight. This is where my psychotic counter-personality comes in. It makes me worry about myself even listening to it. So after the Diner I drop my friends off drove a little around town listening to my new CD. *His* house is kind of on the way to mine, so I decide to drive by just to see if he was home. He wasn't. When i told you his house was on the way to mine, I was lying. Anyways, I wasn't tired and I had *him* on my mind. I didn't feel like going home, I needed to see him again. I drove around my town seeing if I could find his car. It was 2 in the morning by this time. Sure enough, I see his car at mcdonalds. and i knew it was his car cause i noticed the sticker his back window and the small scratch on the side. i looked into the window and saw him with a girl sitting. It felt like someone had took a knife and stabbed it through my herat. but my feelings had no rationality. i didn't even know who the girl was, it could have been his sister for all i knew. but it didnt matter. i was in my obsession mode. so i sat in my car at a distance looking into mcdonalds watching their every move. If i heard anyone doing this, i would assume they were a stalker, even crazy. If someone did this to me i would be freaked out. But for some reason this was logical. My actions didn't seem this way. I just wanted to see him. They held hands leaving mcdonalds and i just about died. I got back home, immediately went to my computer and went to his sn looked at his away message and profile a million times as if for some reason it would change and he would profess his secret love for me.. haha right.. I looked up the lyrics in his profile, maybe even hoping they had to do with me, until i realized that we don't talk often and that he was possibly with a girl. so that was a little far fetched. I find the lyrics and download the song, maybe in hopes for bringing up the song the next time i see him so we can talk about something. I know what anyone would think reading this.. this is pathetic.. and yes it is. My actions are ridiculous. This i also know. This is obsessive behavior that is weird. Yes i know this too. I just don't know why i have fallen so hard. I dont know how to stop it. To be honest i don't want to stop it. I like the hope i get when i see him. Kudos to anyone who actually reads this... i hope i am not the only one out there who is crazy.

There is one guy, just one who completely wins me over. I don't know why he does. When I'm having a bad day or feeling sad, I will just start to think of him. I start to act irrationally, stalking his away messages and myspace. I know he is merely a concept in my head. I know that my happiness with him exisits in my imagination because we don't talk very often. When I think of being with someone it is always him. When I see him on occation I just melt. He doesn't know. No body knows this. I guess it means it is up to me to fight my obsession and move onto reality...

I have come to the decision that the seasons change who are you as a person. We have all heard about seasonal mood disorder that is diagnosed for a handful of people, but I think there is more to it. When winter approaches I feel so different. My feeling and emotions change. They are not necessarily a bad change, they are just different. In the summer I feel like a free spirited soul, who loves to be out in the sun and not have a worry in the world. In the winter I feel comfort in being alone more. I start to cling onto the security of other people, whereas in the summer I don't need that. My decisions, thoughts, and personality seem to morph. I even start wearing slightly different styles of clothing. Is this just me? Do other people feel a change too?

So I am new to this whole thing and finally decided to create one of my own. I love reading people's entrees, that facinate me. I also like to stalk other people's diaries in a completely non-werido way. They just intrigue me. So yeah.. There will definitely be more of my diary to come.