found my way back to this randomly. surprised myself by remembering my password. so here's a little update: - i've had 8 different postal addresses in the last 10 years but have been at my current place for the longest. it feels like home. for now. - ptsd no longer controls my life. i don't really control it, either. but we acknowledge each other's existence like "'sup" and then give each other knowing looks. like this: - solo travel is my jam. mostly because i'm learning how to be selfish and i like making my own dreams come true. 2018 brought me to cambodia, belgium, the netherlands, germany, czech republic, and hungary. - currently unemployed but making the best of it. i'm trying to be mindful of where i'm going next, instead of jumping from one thing to another just to survive. one of the ideas i'm toying with is getting a master's degree in germany...but i'm not sure if that's just me running away from things. to be continued.

so this is what homesickness feels like. 470 miles away from home.

college is fun. slowly getting to know new people. definitely not as easy as high school. kind of miss the days when i walked into a classroom and was able to say hi to everyone &hug them hello. either way, wish i was in sacramento right now, chugging jager right before the a day to remember concert. yea. i miss my "sister" &"sister-in-law" like no other. but here i am popping ibuprofen instead and trying to catch up on a week's worth of reading in four classes.

almost a year since i last was here. and that rhymed. so what happened in the last year? or, the last few months since my memory doesn't go that far... 1. graduated from highschool. done with that bullshit, ready for more. 2. accepted to ucsd. kind of wish i did the community college route...$20k+ debt a year for four years? heh. but a beautiful view far away from home = i'm there. 3. the worst weekend of my life. incentive to slowly start being more responsible. slowly. 4. a month in asia spent with family. 5. finally taking full advantage of no curfew. still need to find more 24-hour places. 6. everything else that i'll mention some other day. turning legal in two weeks exactly. "daddy" is taking us to finally get our tattoos. chance to see just how high my tolerance of pain is. (=

turned seventeen on mondayy. it was amazing. people care. last year of high school. easyy shit. until college apps, maybe. "the promise is null &void." the end of that dreaded drunken promise! i care about him. he lies. to me, to himself. helpless. i hate her. &her stupid accusing questions. she buys a new face to put on each dayy. it's so easy to be happyy. if you're up for it. it's so easy. love//miss youu all.

two days ago, i told myself to be audacious before i told him the "secret" he was asking about. knowing to expect nothing at all &to prepare for the worst. saying those words, saying that i like him. wow. a voice in the back of my head kept commenting on how unusuallyy calm i was. he said "you're still awesome, v." well. i'm still awesome. don't know what to make of that. he promised nothing would be different...things would still be the same. in myy mind, i was thinking "we shall see, we shall see." and he was right. the first to ever fulfill that promise. things were the same. except for maybe me pulling awayy from a hug from him because he me byy surprise &that was myy initial reaction. i wish i hadn't though. i feel so deprived of his hugs now. but at least we still talk. and everything. just like before. yea? well, it seems like it, at least.

wow. youu made yesterdayy awesome. partlyy because we finallyy talked! &mostlyy since right when i thought. that youu were gone, youu came back.

suddenlyy, i don't undertstand. suddenlyy, i feel funnyy around youu. suddenlyy, there's a barrier between us. maybe i'll get that sense of closeness again. maybe i've just been overthinking everything. maybe you're not who i thought youu were. prove me wrong?

bad dream. maybe a warning?? from him. hasn't been talking to me that much latelyy. i miss that conversation we had until 530am. &i do know when to stop trying.

swing, swing byy the all american rejects. whoa. memories. of jumping on her bed &singing this song with he two people in myy life that mattered the most. flash forward four years &it's funnyy how a group of five best friends can suddenlyy turn into onlyy me and youu. before, when i told him i was afraid he'd lie to hurt me, his response was "i can't lie if i haven't promised youu anything." well, he can't sayy that anymore because he promised to teach me how to ride a bicycle. (=

haha, caught cutting school means house arrest. and no late-night computer use. but first 4.0 report card that came todayy made myy mom much nicer to me. no more yelling. hard work pays off, i guess. (= a few weeks ago, i told him i was afraid he was going to lie &end up hurting me. &his replyy was that he hasn't made anyy promises, so he can't break a promise to me. but last night, he promised to teach me how to ride a bike. kind of scared. of the idea of actuallyy having to ride a bike. &also that he mayy end up forgetting his promise. but at the same time, kind of happyysmileyy inside. (]= apparentlyy, two people in our class told me it's obvious i like him. &that he knows. &one of them even said that since he knows i like him, and things aren't awkward, he likes me too. i'm not letting myy hopes up, onlyy because i don't want them to be shot down.

whoa, self-confidence level has definitelyy been fluctuating a lot during the past few days. funnyy how what i needed was hearing him telling me that i make him laugh and calling me a loser. (=?

i swear, boys have this thing where theyy just love signing off on youu. or me. something. but i do understand that a ten-hour car ride and sleepyness might have something to do with it. i hate when plans don't work out. or, in this case, an unplanned plan. he was supposed to dedicate a dayy to me during spring break, and that didn't happen. it was supposed to either be todayy or tomorrow, but ever since he got back, we haven't even talked. so i guess that's not going to happen. plus, i don't even know if he can get ungrounded or whatever. &i bet he puts his friends from his old school above me. eck. hate when crushes bring your hopes up just to crush them down again. ironic, eh? but yesterdayy was well-spent, so i guess i shouldn't complain. there's talk that the teachers will continue to strike after spring break, so there might be even more days of no school. but who knows?

02.21.2007 - 04.07.2007 ^the longest time i shall ever go without myspaceyy. but also one of the happiest periods in myy life. funnyy how old things yield to new things. always. sillyy things that used to matter seem so far awayy. how this works out in the end doesn't matter. just knowing you're here, right now... that's what makes me smile. that's what gives me. a new hope. turns out bunnyy just wasn't the one. he doesn't even trulyy love thatonebitch. &to think i could've gotten even more hurt. but, new guyy. he makes me happyy. even cares enough to stayy up with me. until 533am on an especiallyy bad dayy. spring break started two days earlyy. teachers should go on strike more often.

what have i done to deserve this all, right now?? life is so bleak, so surreal, so drasticallyy suffocating. life is death, but onlyy worse. a slow killing, ripping your insides out before it is even noticeable that youu are dying. everyy dayy youu live is another step closer to death. everyy breath youu take, the same. youu see?? behind everyy happyy moment is something sad waiting to happen. told youu this never works out. told youu told youu told youu. but i still believe, blinded and pretending not to know, i still believe. because i am afraid. if i didn't believe in this, what would i believe in? what would i tell myy self, whispering, to make everything seem okayy again?? things i shouldn't see, things shouldn't know about. don't want to see. don't want to know about. &yet i just happen to know anywayy. the worst timing ever, i always turn at the perfectlyy worst moments. did i bring this miseryy upon myself?? did i, well honestlyy, did i?? whoever is fucking with me up there sure seems to be enjoying themself. i've changed so much over the years. less violent. much nicer. letting people in without always thinking that theyy have some ulterior motive. actuallyy depending on others. i feel other peoples pain. and i was so happyy that finallyy, i can do something right. i can make somebodyy happyy, even when i cannot be happyy myself. i tried so hard. and i still do. i tryy. i tryy to believe that this world is good. i tryy to believe that i will somedayy be happyy. i tryy to believe that everything has a limit. &that there's onlyy so much shit one person will be required to endure in a lifetime. i tell myself that once i get through all of this, i'll be happyy and carefree, sitting in water fountains with the sunshine in myy hair and not even caring if myy underwear gets wet. yea. carefree. &it just takes so much out of me that i'm constantlyy feeling emotionallyy drained. is this worth it?? i'm beginning to wonder, to doubt even more, to doubt myself. the people who claim theyy would never hurt me are reallyy the onlyy ones who ever could. and theyy do, unknowing. perhaps never even realizing it. i'm hurting, constantlyy, each and everyy dayy. sometimes while lingering on thoughts of the past, of the things that would have turned out differentlyy. but always there is a new hurt for everyy time i smile. fresh wounds for everyy time i finallyy heal. i admit it. i am a never-ending emotional roller coaster. those who get on board with me usuallyy get annoyed and sickened after a while, throwing up in their minds at the veryy thought of me, retching. but it seems that everyy time i finallyy get through a steep drop on the tracks, the onlyy thing waiting at the bottom is even more twists turns, even more circles. everyy time i get through something, i onlyy get more shit to deal with. if that person reallyy wanted to help, theyy would. but theyy don't, and onlyy do yet another thing theyy would later apologize for. if that person reallyy has the feelings theyy claim theyy do, theyy wouldn't have informed me like that. not in that wayy. if the person reallyy thought i should give up so much to give someone else a chance, theyy should have remembered that theyy reallyy have no influence on the decisions i make in myy life, seeing as we were never on the same page anywayy. if everything that person told me was true, then whyy would theyy go ahead and do something like that, totallyy and entirelyy contradicting the things i was expected to believe in?? i never knew anything before, but now i am even more confused than ever. who to trust, to believe in, to depend on, to listen to, to talk to??? i can't see through anyone now. i've trusted in the wrong people too manyy times and now, i have no idea what to think. i miss the sunshine. i miss myy Sunshine. i miss the world i knew before. even though i was not happyy then, i was in a much better state than right now. i am a mess. a failure. even more so than before. i just keep going downwards, when will i stop?? this world. it's all about speeding up. but all i can think about is slowing down.

sayy what?? our high school football team is the best in all of northern california?? for the first time in...ever??? strange. heh. at least we're good for something. (=

these last two days, i realized just how much people don't like each other. how much hate is in existence. how people can hurt each other. &just what some people are capable of. but i just listened. i just sat there and listened, feeling extremelyy uncomfortable and not daring to sayy anything on myy mind, while at the same time, giving them nothing to hold against me. but here i am, giving youu everyy opportunityy to use this against me. drama sucks. it reallyy does. &yet, it's everywhere i turn. sometimes, i wish that people could be less selfish and more sensitive. but then, other times, it seems like life is onlyy about gaining things. or at least that is what i'm shown. maybe theyy feel that if theyy don't rise above someone else, theyy are nothing??? &while these people are busyy gaining, theyy are also losing so much more. theyy lose who theyy trulyy are. &that makes me sad inside, witnessing the death of what i had always thought was beautiful. &i feel angryy that these people cannot see that their hunger for more is eating right through their true selves. don't misunderstand myy words. there is a difference between trying to gain more and following a dream. dreams are onlyy wishes that were never meant to come true. sometimes theyy do, but more often than not, theyy don't. dreams are lies we tell ourselves to believe in. dreams were meant to be felt, and sometimes even seen, but wishes were meant to create hope. &hope..hope is everything. hope means life to me. hope is the onlyy reason whyy i'm still here todayy...through hopes that everything will be okayy in the end. the times when i feel hopeless are also the times when i am at myy worst. heh. &now youu know when i am most vulnerable. most self-destructive. there is no such thing as false hope because even false hope is hope, as long as it is true in your heart. i feel like i can endure all the punches that life throws in myy direction, just as long as i have hope. kinda like in that one storyy about pandora's box. among all the sorrow and darkness and unhappiness in the box that was let out to the world, there was also hope to defeat it all. but when do i know to stop being so passive and fight back for all i've lost?? for what i want?? &without losing what i believe in as well?? when will i finallyy find the line between being nice and being smothered byy the heaviness of words unsaid?? there are times when i feel that fate has forgotten me.

it's reallyy hard for me to believe what happened yesterdayy. myy mind automaticallyy erases bad memories, and onlyy brings them up when something happens to stir up the memories again. the memories also come back in flashbacks sometimes, just randomlyy. it's just the wayy myy brain functions. all throughout todayy, i kept having those flashbacks, and it made me remember, and it didn't feel real at all. i don't know. it can't be true, it just can't. it onlyy adds to the nightmares i sometimes have when i least expect it. &even though i kept randomlyy remembering things i never want to remember anymore, myy bunnyy made it okayy. i couldn't be near that one boyy todayy, i just couldn't. which meant i couldn't be with myy best friend, since they're always together. so i just stayed with bunnyy all dayy. and that girl, but she left us alone after a while. i think she got jealous again. even though i thought i had alreadyy reassured her that i won't be "the other girl" who interferes. they're mad at each other. i hate it. i feel horrible. but in a wayy, i think her jealousyy just might bring her mind back to realityy. if nothing more has happened after six years, wouldn't youu just give up?? i wrote a letter to her the other dayy. or, at least, i started writing it. one of those letters that are never sent. onlyy burned. but theyy help get what youu have to sayy out in the open. those letters always keep me from doing terrible things. but it's a pityy she would never layy her eyes on it.

blah. so i guess i haven't updated in a while...simplyy because too much has been happening, and i reallyy don't know what to sayy about it all. let's just sayy that near the end of last week, i was stupid &i said things that i never should have. i was intentionallyy trying to hurt him, for all the times he unknowinglyy hurt me. &so i said things that i never meant. i felt like i just couldn't take it anymore. &i guess i went too far. whatever friendship we had was almost lost. his angryy questions and words scared me. a lot. i still remember them. i won't be able to forget. in the end, the onlyy thing i could do was to sayy i was sorryy. which i was. &now i'm in the process of trying to make things go back to the wayy theyy were before. i never knew how much i need him in myy life. even as friends, i guess it's okayy. &somehow, some time during this entire ordeal, i realized that i don't like him the wayy i did before. i'd reallyy much rather be just friends than nothing at all. actuallyy. now i'm not quite sure about myself. doubt is flooding myy mind again becuase there is no reason for it not to. i told that girl who hates me not to worryy...that i'm not "the other girl", as she claimed i was. youu know what. i honestlyy think she lied to me. about loving him for seven years &shit. yea, reallyy. like a twelve-year-old girl knows anything about love. i reallyy think she was trying to make me feel horrible about myself. which worked because i reallyy wish i hadn't told her the truth. a little part of me feels smug inside because i think i'm beginning to realize that i thought i didn't like him that wayy anymore onlyy because myy mind wasn't allowing me to. but yet, at the same time i feel so horrible. like a liar, and i don't lie about things like such. i can lie and sayy that she's prettyy, but i can't lie about myy feelings. wait, no. hah. i do that all the time, too. but i guess what i'm saying is i can't lie about myy feelings when i reallyy thought theyy were true. &so....i don't know what to do anymore. i never know what to do. i just go with the flow. but this time...i can't feel where the flow shall take me. there are too manyy what if's &maybes running through myy mind. yesterdayy, i was so angryy at youu two, that i couldn't help but to laugh at myself for being so sillyy. youu want me to feel angryy so youu can be happyy...&it worked. how do youu feel now??

i just love how youu called myy name todayy. &then i turned around, seeing your smiling face, yea. youu walked towards me for a hug. &then youu saw her and just brushed past me. this morning youu gave me the awesomest huggie ever. &then after school, something just changed??? i honestlyy didn't know we aren't supposed to hug in front of her. wtf. &then even later, when i was putting that starburst in your mouth...i knew something was wrong byy the wayy your eyes suddenlyy changed. &then i turn around, and there she is. so now youu feel horrible?? youu feel guiltyy hugging me in front of her?? youu feel like youu can't even talk to me in front of her now?? wow. thanks for making me feel oh so much better. thanks. yea. wtfever. now i reallyy don't understand.