i want my old life back nothing was ever better than what i had. i had great people to be around and lots of fun things to do with never anything to worry about. although i have to say i am glad that my life has taken me in the direction i am in now fore if it hadn't i wouldnt be with the greatest girl in the world. Yeah thats right.. my girlfriend whom i just love to death, she is the most beautiful girl i have ever met and i just knew after this past week that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. yes, it't trisha of course. but besides her there is one little hinderance in my life that i wished would have never changed. Jess why? thats really my question is why?.. was it something that i did or something i didn't do. we used to have late night phone calls, which at that point in our lives was like 11:00.. i remember you sneaking down to your phone and i remember myself having to hide and whisper under a blanket in my room just to talk to you. if there was ever a point where i had made fun of you in a joking way you would laugh and say "shut up" and we would continue to laugh.. But tonight showed me much differnce in you. while i had that 1 Minute and 23 second conversation on the phone with you i found that you aren't the same person. i said a small joke to you that normally you would just say shut up to and instead you said Shut the Fuck up.. now i mean in a way it's not that big of a deal but in a way it really is. you dont know how much it hurt me when you said that.. u never talked to me like that before you met him. where did i go wrong.. i can't ever AND I STRESS EVER have a conversation that lasts longer than 5 minutes with you.. unless i'm on the other end crying and you try to act like a great friend and say "oh i'll always listen" when ever he is around i feel so uncomfortable most of the time i go home and i dont think anyone knows this but i go home and throw up i feel so nervous when i'm around him and in a way i'm kinda mad at him.. but in another sense i think to myself.. should i be mad at me for not inviting jess to a party or for not telling you the latest news.. is it my fault.. i feel that most of the time it is.. now at first you said that he was the best thing that ever happened to you well maybe at first but after you had sex with him.. thats a straight out.. i dont even know.. why i feel so bad cause now i have to call joanna with every problem or i call trisha and i have alot of problems and when i just want to talk neither of them get that cause they just think i have problems alot.. but you understood me and you always understood when i wanted to talk and when i wanted to complain.. i trusted secrets in you and you trusted in me.. but really what this entire message is about is that i want my jessica back i want to be able to go to the fair and molest the ferris wheel poles without having someone else there to take the fun out of it. and WHY THE FUCK IS IT THAT HE GETS SO PISSED OFF WHENEVER YOU WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO ME? am i that big of a problem.. seriously do i need to come to him and say that all the mistakes in his life are my fault and my fault alone or is he the kind that has no mistakes just a few mis-haps.. what is it please tell me.. cause i want to go to st. cloud with you and joanna and zaq and not worry about you thinking of him the whole time or you worrying about what he will say when you get home.. why do i have to worry about it.. should i just give up on you.. i feel so but i also want to be your friend.. BUT IT'S FREAKING HARD.. and yes jess by you being with him.. you have changed AND NOT FOR THE FUCKING BETTER!