So I guess I should be back too. Things are crazy right now and too much has happened. I'm looking forward to: Pi day. Sam's visit. And in the future: Hopefully getting more serious about school. Hopefully quitting my job. Hopefully growing up a little bit. Hopefully being single again in the summer. Hopefully staying happy and positive when all of those things go horribly awry. Ah, life.

Sooo... I almost went a whole year without posting on here. Not sure if it's good or bad. Things are great here in St. Cloud with Jeremy. I aced my first year of college, and am looking forward to starting my sophomore year in a little over a month. This summer has been a rollercoaster. We just got back from Duluth, which was great. Tiring, but great. A lot of shit has gone down within the past few months, but I guess you never know how strong something is until you try to fuck it up. Sam, I miss you and I hope you're well. It was awesome running into you in Willmar, and we need to get together soon. I love you!

I'll make an effort to keep this thing updated. I'm living in St. Cloud with Jeremy. We start school in one week. I turn twenty in one week. I need to find a job. I hope I can keep my head above water. I miss everyone.

Life life life. It sucks sometimes. … I can’t wait until the 23rd. I will be officially unemployed. Yes! And the 21st is Jeremy’s eighteenth birthday. So that’s exciting. I just want everything to go smoothly. The move. I hope we can stand each other. And I hope we have visitors often. I work one to nine thirty today. Jeremy and I talked for about three hours yesterday and we’re slowly working things out. One thing at a time, it’s getting better. It’s getting easier to talk to him. I want to party and let go for a while. I’m worried about Sam. I hope she feels back to normal soon.

It’s been a while. Wow. Things have been pretty good lately. I can’t really complain. I’m so looking forward to moving, most of the time. Like when my parents are bugging me about dumb stuff that doesn’t matter, or my sister is acting like total bitch, I tell myself, “You’ll be out of here soon enough.” And it makes it easier. But sometimes, I don’t want to move. Like when I’m hanging out with Sam and Anthony and Josh and Brittany and Matt and everybody, I feel like that is where is I want to be. That is where I want to stay. I feel like I just made a bunch of new friends. And now I’ll be in another town, forced to make new new friends. And I’ll probably just end up like I was before. Being only with Jeremy, all the time. And that would not be good. Anyways. I just hope everything works out. And I hope Sam and I visit each other often! Cause otherwise I might go crazy. My phone plan is done soon, so I bought a prepaid phone. But I’m kinda changing my mind about it. So I’m thinking it will probably be passed on to Jeremy. I want a smart phone. Because we probably won’t have internet at our apartment. And I want to be able to go on facebook and stuff. Ha. So. I think we have almost everything we need to move. Except a bed. All we need is stuff like cleaning supplies (mop, broom, cleaner, paper towels, etc.) and food. All of our stuff is piled up in my room at the moment. And I need to clean. And sort through things. It’s hard. I’ve been in this house for nineteen years. In this room for like six. Everything I own is in this room. It’s a crazy thought. Well, I don’t want to waste the entire day online, so. Hopefully I continue to write on here. And more frequently, too.

Just a quick entry this morning. Jeremy graduates in about four hours. I am excited for college. We still have a ton of shit to buy. I love Sam Johnson. I want to take pictures. I hope I decide on a major soon. Things are good.

Time time time. There’s not a lot of it. Josh’s birthday was fun. I think I made an ass of myself, but I can’t really remember, so it’s all good! Just kidding. Kind of. At least now I know how to play beer pong. I’m set for college! Ha. Jeremy’s grad party was yesterday. It was good. But, only two of his friends showed up. Reid and Tyler. I was so proud of Jeremy. He was walking around, making sure to talk with everyone. He’s growing up. I don’t work until Thursday. So by then I will have had nine days off. Wow. At least I work eight hours that day. And six more on Saturday. For a grand total of fourteen hours this week. Nice. I need to find a job in St. Cloud. That’s the next hurdle. Well, that and figuring out what I actually want to do in college. Our advising day is June 4th. That’s when we pick our classes. Career suggestions? Anyway. I think maybe I’m starting to grow up. Just maybe.

Wow. Things are happening. I am gonna be mailing all of our apartment forms today. So things are pretty much official. I’m really excited. I’m still not sure what I’m gonna do for a job yet. I kind of want to get settled in first, but that wouldn’t be very responsible. We are going to need all the money we can get. I’m pretty scared. But I know I can do this. Even without everyone’s support. My mother is just so two-faced. She tells me that she’s happy for me, moving out and going to school, but then she tells other people that she doesn’t understand why I’m doing it. Like, I could just go to Ridgewater and live at home and save a bunch of money. She told my aunt that I probably just want to have sex and that’s why I’m moving out. What a jerk, seriously. I mean, I’m almost twenty years old, I think it’s about freaking time that I move out. It just makes me mad. And sad. I work tonight. For the first time since Sunday. Wow. I just want everything to be okay. I want to be on good terms with everyone. I think tomorrow will be good. I miss Sam!

I’ve been busy lately. I wasn’t angry during my last entry; just a little… brash I guess. I’m not sure of the right word. I was just feeling kind of fed up with everything. I wish I could skip this part. The deciding part. Just skip to September or so. I’d already be in college and all of the crap would be figured out. I’m just anxious. My parents just ordered pizza! Yum. Jeremy and I are going to tour some apartments in St. Cloud later this month. I’m going to bring my mom along because I feel so inexperienced when it comes to this stuff. I hope everything works out. There’s one place that’s ten blocks from the college. That would be perfect, seriously. So I hope it’s not too gross inside. Smoking is allowed which kind of worries me. But, hopefully it’s not bad. I keep changing my mind about what I want to study in school. Accounting would be smart, but I would hate it. I made a cool bracelet/chain out of metal rings that looks amazing. Maybe I’ll do that for a living. Make and sell jewelry. Nobody would buy it. And I realized that I don’t really like painting. I’m not good at it. I like to draw but I suck at it! Nancy from work told me that you don’t have to be the best, you just have to have a passion for what you’re doing. So… I’m thinking fashion designer. I could design jewelry too. I like to think I have a good eye for style. Not my own style, but… Those who can’t be fashionable, teach others to be fashionable. I can’t wait to eat pizza. I’m in the process of going through all my shit. Sorting, throwing away, organizing, storing. I have a lot of stuff. I hope I can get it all gone through by this weekend. That would be good. Anyways. Sam, we need to hang out!

Just pack up all my shit and get the hell gone. I'm ready.

Sitting on my bed. Watching Jeremy paint. He’s so great. Work just called; they want me to come in early. I feel like I’m just floating on… Until I quit my job… Until school starts… Until my life starts… Again.

Good song by the Pixies. I'm feeling kinda frustrated at Jeremy. He doesn’t have to be at school until eleven, and he said he would come over bright and early to have breakfast with me. Alas, he is still asleep. I shouldn’t be so selfish. I’m making him a survival bracelet. It’s pretty cool, I think. It’s made of a length of ten or so feet of cord that is designed to unravel easily and to be useful in a survival situation. Plus, it looks really kick ass. I just wish I had better cord. All I have is hemp. It’s okay, but I don’t know how useful it would be. I should go to JoAnn’s and see if I can find some paracord. That’d be ideal. I’m thoroughly enjoying my days off. Yesterday I caught up on some much-needed sleep. And today I plan on finishing my room. I need to get it to a point where my mother will get off my back about it. That would be nice. But with her it seems like if she’s not getting on my case about one thing, she’s getting on my case about another. I know she just wants to stay in my life as much as possible. I’m gonna be leaving soon, and she’ll be left with just Hannah, the troublemaker, who is barely at home anyways. Mom is motivated by the right things, but takes the wrong actions. It kinda makes me sad. So, Advising Day for school is June 4th, at 8 a.m. It’s a Friday. Good thing Jeremy and I are both going that day. It’s gonna be a pain in the ass to get up that early and go, though. It would be sweet if we could stay in a hotel or something on Thursday night and then just head over there in the morning. But our parents would never go for that. Even though we’re going to be living together in a couple months. Oh well. I’ve decided that I’m gonna quit my job at the end of June. I want a little bit of time to de-stress. I’m really scared that everything is actually happening. I hope I can learn to deal with it. Because it’s not just going to go away.

But I have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday off. That'll be nice. Maybe then I can get some actual writing done. It's pretty therapeutic. Anyways, off to bed for now. Work tomorrow at eight. Life seems to be slowly improving. I hope it'll last.

Listening to the Pixies!! Debaser. Awesome song. So last night was cool. Jeremy got off work at ten and when he came over, he said we were invited to a bonfire at Shayne’s house. So we actually went! Wow. It was pretty fun. I got to meet his girlfriend and she was really nice. So we stayed there until one, and that was cool. I think we both were feeling a bit asocial, spending too much time with just each other, so it was good to be with a group. This morning Jeremy came over at around ten. So, better than yesterday. Lol. And we watched Funny Games. I liked it. It was good to see Michael Pitt in something newer. He’s a really good actor. After that, we took Hannah and went to Arby’s. It was good! We eat out too much though. Ha. And she went tanning and Jeremy and I went to get him some cardstock. He wants to do some screenprinting, and that’s cool. When we got home, we only had about a half an hour so we just lied down and talked a bit. So then he went to work and now I’m just hanging out in my room. Which is in need of a good cleaning. So, that’s what I’m going to do next. I’m sick of living in a pile of trash!! Peace.

Today was weird. I woke up at about eight. That’s sleeping in, if you ask me. So I got ready and whatever. Texted Jeremy about twelve times between then and eleven. Totally reasonable, if you ask me. Not obsessive; we had planned on spending the day together. Anyways, he didn’t wake up until after eleven thirty. I was a little pissed, but it was his day off school. So he deserved to sleep in, I guess. So then we went out to eat at Pizza Ranch and that was really good! He paid. I love it when he takes me out. It’s special, to me. After we ate, I went to the county office to renew my permit. It had to be done. I am going to get my license if it freaking kills me. Then we drove my sister and her friend to Subway so they could get some lunch. And we went to Family Video and Jeremy bought four movies for like twelve bucks. He bought Run Fatboy Run, Funny Games, The Chumscrubber, and No Country for Old Men. Pretty solid choices. Then we went to Best Buy so Jeremy could look at phones. He hates what he has now. Boost mobile. So he actually bought a T-Mobile phone and he tried to activate it, but you had to be 18. So his parents have to do it for him. So dumb. He has had like six pay-as-you-go phones, never had to be 18. But, whatever. Then he had to work at four, so he left. And I “acquired” some stuff online. Including the French movie Lila Dit Ça. AMAZING film. The girl in that movie is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. WATCH THAT MOVIE. RIGHT NOW. And I got the Pixies discography, and Silversun Pickups, and (500) Days Of Summer. Pretty awesome. I was too chicken to text Brittany and ask if she was gonna party tonight. Well, that’s all for now. I feel like I wanna draw the chick from Lila Dit Ça. She’s the definition of beauty.

Long day at work today. Eight to four thirty. Basically straightened cosmetics all day. We’re getting ready for inventory and cosmetics is one of the biggest shrink areas, so it’s just preventative, I guess. Because the people who come in for inventory only scan the first item and then just count the ones behind it. So if the first one’s wrong, they’re all wrong. Kinda frustrating how lazy they are. And all the counts are inaccurate. Why wouldn’t you just do it right? Anyways… I’m just hanging out with Jeremy. Well, near Jeremy. He’s doing his art homework. An oil painting of Iggy Pop. It’s absolutely insane. He’s such a great artist, it makes me so jealous. I have totally run out of inspiration and motivation when it comes to art. I admire his enthusiasm; he’s actually enjoying being in AP art. I fucking hated it. So much pressure… But, he’s doing really well. And I’m happy. I got invited to go party with Brittany from work. (Jeremy too.) I am totally game but I don’t think Jeremy wants to. And, of course, I told him I wouldn’t go if he didn’t. But I feel like a little time apart wouldn’t be the end of the world. It’s just one night. Not a big deal. And I think it’s okay for me to have friends of my own. I need to feel like my own person once in a while; we’re not a package deal. Well, I guess that’s enough for tonight. I’m pretty excited about tomorrow because Jeremy has off school and I don’t work! Yay! So we get the day together. And maybe tomorrow night I’ll see if Brittany is gonna go party. And maybe I’ll go. :)

I really can't wait to move! But my mom thinks I should get a job at the Kmart in St. Cloud! Ha. No thank you. Jeremy came over last night and we watched SLC Punk. It's a really cool movie, for those of you who haven't seen it. Pretty crazy. He's working right now. Until three. And I work until seven thirty. Lame. We're always on opposite schedules. And he tried to take off the first through the fifth, like me, but I guess he did it too late because they only gave him the fourth and fifth. So stupid. Anyways I work at eleven. I'm gonna go get ready. Maybe more later. I'm gonna try and get an early night tonight because I work at six a.m. on Sunday! Madness.

I feel good today. I woke up really sore, but after a nice hot shower my muscles relaxed a bit. I wish I could learn how to sleep on my back and not my side! Always sore shoulders. I drank a cappuccino and it was delicious. And I had some yogurt. Yummy. Last night I had a talk with my mom about moving to St. Cloud. She thinks that $495 a month for rent is outrageous. But, really, I’d only be paying for half. Anyways. She suggested instead that I get a two bedroom apt. with Jeremy and my brother. So Jeremy and I would share a room and we’d each pay a third. I think it’s a great idea, personally. And Jeremy loves my brother. I just think maybe Nick will be weirded out. I don’t know. I hope he seriously considers it. Because it’s pretty economical. I just hope Jeremy and I make it. Moving in together just brings up so many more things to fight about. We’re already been fighting about money. He wants a joint account and I don’t really. I guess I’m just selfish. I have saved up over nine thousand dollars. He has almost four thousand. Am I being petty? I mean, we’re not married yet or anything. I’m committed, but I’m not stupid. I think I’m just being practical. I just figured we’d go splitsies on everything. And I hope we both get into school. I can’t think of why we wouldn’t. It’s just state, after all. Pretty much guaranteed acceptance. It’s gonna be tough. An adventure, definitely. (It won't let me post what I'm listening to! In case you were wondering, that would be "The Boy With The Arab Strap" by Belle & Sebastian. :) And my mood is pensive.)

I am trying to regain control of my life. I’m so sick of just going through the motions. Just floating on. I’m making an effort. Every day. To open my eyes. To smile. To laugh. To just let go. To get out of my head. Balance is very important in life. One thing, or one person, cannot be your everything. It just doesn’t work that way. I realize that now. I’m working on being healthier; physically, mentally, emotionally, wholly. I will not give up. I will be me, only better. The new and improved version. Still the same on the outside, on the surface. But renewed, rejuvenated on the inside. Fresh and clean. And happy. Like the spring.

I worked hard today. I had to do 620s. That's when stuff gets discontinued so you have to track it down and send it back to the company. I did something like five hundred different items. All cosmetics. I was on my hands and knees digging through boxes of old crap that'd been pulled off the shelves. Ridiculous. Gotta go eat supper. Taco salad. Yum! Anyways. I don't work now for three whole days. I'm gonna try to finish my room. I hope I can. It looks like a tornado went through it. It's really depressing. Well. I'm gonna watch TV now. With my parents. And wait for Jeremy. I miss him.