pepsi shirt. i said pepsi person. why. are these just signs or do we all see things that bring us down a bit. i stole that shirt from a man i randomly met first moving here and you still wear it. do you not feel the shirt ... the feeling maybe . did i become the weak or the strong or the love or all three. i think i am just confused with why my feelings are still soo feeling. alone is alright. alone is never alone its almost like i play my family out in my mind thats the reason why i dont need to call or say anything. i play what it is what i like when i want. crazy. maybe. happy parts. and moments and hours and sometimes days. can i keep finding better cover ups . being around is awesome... missing the ones they call family is a shitty feeling. rather say this. im all good. im a cousin a niece a daughter a friend a love a crush an aqquaintance an encounter. im a soul im a space im a void im a body im a spirit i am a believer .

Have been thinking a lot tonight/all day about family and future in general i guess. i also miss anthony we talked on the phone today for an hour i just want to see him ya know.. i wish i had friends here... works been ugh lately. just tiring . atleast i am done with school now wooop. i tried calling my dad today but he didnt answer to see what/if anything is happening for christmas. my mom hasnt found a job yet.. its starting to make me feel bad. like if i had a business i would hire her. matt and i are coming up on 6 months.. wow half a year. thats insane. i wonder when i can go visit my friends next. and when im getting off of probation and what the hell im going to do with my life

im sitting at school and im very antsy because my ipod is dead ugh. me and matt are okay again (figures) i mean he still treats me like eh sometimes so idk. but he did get me into playing WOW. world of warfraft for you non gamers its fun.... haha yah

so matt broke up with me... because he thinks im a whore for some reason and just treats me really bad. he even like kicked me in the knee when i tried talking to him. i dont want to think about it. it hurts more on the inside.... but when these things happen to me i need to keep moving forward. and try to accept what happens... its kind of sad cause i dont want to delete his pictures or bring his stuff back... even killing him off my sims....( ha ) wish i could really laugh. but things could be so much worse ... i wish matt would just look at me... can somebody throw me in a ocean? ha just seems so relaxing and free. just need to get away for awhile... tomorrow would have been five months.... you promised forever. i tried talking to him again by a text... he only text back go fuck yourself whore... what did i even do?.... anyway i have to go to work... woopee =(

blah i havent taken my medications today and now i just feel like shit. wow why do i need them.

school is going by really good me and matt have been doing better. he still never wants to do anything i want to. other then that im going to mall of america today with sammm and emily and nics driving i was hoping matt would come to but blah he is sooo grrr. oh well im picking him and nic up to talk about it when i go get my paycheck. sooo yaa...

what to do. what to do. some of the things that i hear come out of his mouth is enough to make me want to scream and punch a mirror. its like he doesnt think the things he says and does matters to me. and everything i say and do are wrong but its okay for him. how is it going to work. he is belittling me and im getting tired. and i miss my friends they always helped me feel better. i just dont know if im any better then what i have right now.

i miss matt and its only been half a day. im watching 16 and pregnant. really depressing. i was talking to matt on facebook but i think his friend was the one typing and he said some stupid things so i decided to write on here. i wanted to see if i could stay at anthonys when i go meet with my po but my mom said no overnights. i understand i just miss him and others. i kind of miss stupid willmar. i would hate hastings if matt wasnt with me. im out of cigarettes and craving one. gahh. its getting close to my birthday not really excited for it. i wanted to go hit up sonshine but that didnt happen either i guess im here to sit and wait till im 18 to be able to do those things. i hope sharon takes it easy on me because iv been trying really hard now. hmph. why wont matt talk to me right after what maybe he said... or one of his friends.

iv been with matt now for 4 days straight...then one of his friends might come down and visit him so he said he just wants to hang with him. which i understand but then i realize i dont have any good friends? no friends at all in this town actually. so if im not with matt im working sitting here or walking jack.? wow my summer has been kind of boring. i dont really do anything other then sleep in and just sit with matt. i want to go to valley fair i want to go camping i want to go tubing i want to try to go to sunshine i want to see old friends i want to have some fun. i want to have new friends. hmmmph. what to do what to do guess i am going to play some sims.

how many times will a judge decide my fate? he judges my life blah sitting at matts he is playing infantry like alwayss i hardly got to hang with my sister which sucks

courts on the 20th right before my birthday.... who knows what will happen. but working with the dogs at the kennel helps . gets me out of my head. so does being with matt and walking jack. i can get up at 6ish in the morning no problem knowing i get to work with animals and hang out with matt. tomorro is the 4th. just another day. and my birthdays coming up. it feels like it will just be another day. other then my screw up things are okay again me and matt have been doing really great. we were fighting for a while just over dumb shit but now were having fun and just talking about everything. i would do anything for him. i should focus more on myself though but part of me doesnt want to because i know something is still not right.

when I feel like giving up. I have to remember why I held on so long in the first place

so im back. the same ol me.. the me that i know the me that iv been all my life... atleast i felt happy for a month right?... thats to long i guess to my book. i have to screw it up. i got blood all over my jeans my elbows got a chunk out of it my toe is cut all the way down from running after her ... i think i might need stitches. i cant walk on it. why cant i just be normal... or happy. i think matt doesnt want to be with me anymore. i think thats a total set backfor me ... because i really thought it would work atleast for a while longer... but its always my fault...i guess u cant be good to anybody else if ur not okay with urself i thought i was... well i guess i dont care about anyone else... i really think i dont i dont think i care about myself.... 90 days in juvie here i come...is it bad to say that i dont feel like just being around like i dont want to die but i just dont want to exist anymore. matt was the only one that kept me level. and i havent had my meds in a while so i could feel all the sad shit crawling up inside my mind. but when i was with. it all went away or atleast i didnt feel it. am i really worth it. my mom still loves me. i dont know why. i wish sometimes everyone could give up so i just wouldnt i have to feel how i do right now... maybe it would just be worse. but iv hit my bottom once again. can i just bury deeper inside myself i feel like i may just disconnect myself from the world once again this time.. from everyones

soo kevin has been talking to me and my mom screwed up at work i guess i just hope everything will be okay. mom doesnt want jack anymore im worried because i don know what to do. i feel bad for sam having to listen to dads bull shit i hope things are going okay for her... i feel like everything is going well in my life and my family isnt so much.... iv never felt that way before so i dont know how to handle this situation. i remember when sam wanted to be a oceanographer hehe i think she should be. and when we would listen to two weeks from twenty by yellowcard in the black little sports car haha those were good times before i started to fall apart but im fine now sorry! just know that i love u sam and mom

sooo yah im almost so high on my life right now. my mom doesnt think much of me yet but i just have to prove to her that im fine. me and matt are really serious and i just cant get enough of him. i have started playing oblivion and its reallyy awesome so my life consists of matt video games farm town the dungeon the couch jack and yep occasionaly doing things with my mom. thats about it. i really miss sam and nittykins.

soo im just sitting next to matt while he plays maple story and i am just jamming out. heehee. i miss my sister and tomorrow is allis birthday er i feel bad that i am going to miss it i have been with her every birthday hmphhh o well. life is good right now i went to a car show today and bought a sock monkey for matthew because its cute and he is my sock monkey. i also just play zoo tycoon all the time ahhh ahahah i cant stop. she might come this week though so i hope she can. i also miss taco twon. hehee he should come visit me also that would be soo much funnnn!

so farm town and zoo tycoon and sims and matthew have been my life now pretty much haha. wow. when i ask a question about certain things i always have to say in real life because its pretty much consuming me. hmm. im at matts right now. and i want to see if i can stay

matthew has stole my heart and the only way it pummpss is if i am with him. may 25th =) he gives me butterflies. i hope alli can come for next weekend her mom said she can. she can meet nic and matt! funnnnnnnnnnnnn i love my life

matts been treating me right... i really really like him now and umm yah. i love hanging out with him........ hmmm june 1st. already allis birthday is coming up also. i might go to eagan fridayy so i hope that works out. last week of schoooll woop woop and up is an awesome movie especially sitting nexttt to matthewwww =)

i really like himm may 25th...hmph....... hopefully this may last. david after dentist is really effing hilarious