Hey Im 18 now. Which is weird to me. Actually Ive been 18 for the last week and a half but its starting t really set in. I didnt really want to be 18. To much responsibilities. But like last night i went to some clubs in Santa Barbara for the first time. It was pretty cool. Plenty of hot guys. Problem is I was there with a friend of mine. THis guy has been one of my best friends for like the last 7 1/2 years. And actually he was my first kiss. Which was when i was 15. By the way hes 7 years older than me. But we only kissed once and hes been a great friend since. He listen to anything I have to say. And now hes like a big brother. Hes actually threatened guys not to fuck things up w/ me because theyll never live to regret it. Well last night were talking and he decides to tell me, and this is in his actual words that hes had the hots for me for the last 6 years. And now he wants to make something of it because its not "illegal" anymore. Ok but im sorry thats gross hes seriosly like a brother to me. There is no way this is happening, EVER. And the weird part is before he told me this we were at the club and were dancing but i finally just want to go cause hes acting like hes got claim to me and no other guys would come up to me. The only time they did was when I asked him to get me a drink then like four guys walk up to me. But it was ridiculous. I feel bad but I dont want to hang out with him anymore. All last night I felt weird around him. I mean im sorry but Im 18 and hes 25. Its wrong. At least for us.

On Saturday, a friend of mine lost his father. It makes me wonder as to why we have to lose people in this world. It's completely unfare to the ones around them. He's living my biggest fear right now. It tells us we have to chertish those around us while their here cause they may not be here tomorrow. I hope for him and his mom's sake that they can make it through this with their friends and family. We love you Tysin.

My mom has this saying, "Shit hit the fan and I forgot to duck." I mean its litterly what she wants on her gravestone. The thing is its seems like I keep forgetting to duck recently. Like I really want to meet a guy thet I can just get along with right now. I guess I don't even want a relationship just somebody to talk to that isn't a complete idiot. It just seems like known of 'em are interesting right now. It's kinda pathetic cause really all they want is just to bang some girl whenever they can. And everytime you listen to them they're either talking about their dick (ie. i listened to that particular conv. last night) or they're trying to impress you with something. I'm not trying to say they're showing off for me because they think I'm hot or something but because I'm someone new that want put some idiotic show on for. Really why can't anyone be themselves? I'm really just frustrated with the maturity level of the people around me. Like one of my close friends was put in a really bad position by this guy and no one did anything to help except for the one person she didn't know, while her closest friends stood there and were to afraid to do anything. Once she told me what happened I was so pissed. They could have just stepped in and supported her and helped out. I know the guy enough that one comment about how stupid he was acting would have taken care of it. He would of been to emberassed to do anything else. I don't know a lot of times I just want to stay home cause it seems like everything on TV is probably ten times better. Things are just ridiculous here. Let's just hope that no more shit hits the fan anytime soon.

HsirehC

SlaoG

SetaH

SmaerD

Unfortunately all i do want is too much

Life is so interesting. Recently it seems like everytime I think my life is just shitty it seems to get worse. I don't know how it works. First, I'm in what I thought was a great relationship then that ends which actually may have eventually been a good thing, but then I keep getting tickets ( like speedsing and reckless endangerment). Then, for some reason I get sick for whats now been over two months if not more. And then last week my back gets kinda sore and I go to talk to my doctor and he immedeately says I have to have surgery to fix it. Well great one more thing. The problem is I cant have the surgery for a while because my immune system is just about shot from being sick. The odd part is the onething I want to do more than anything right now is to hike up to this spot. The trail is only like 3 miles but I think it would be awesome to go up there with a group of friends for a night or just a great guy. Problem is there's no way my body could do that right now. Plus I don't have a boyfriend or even the kind of friends that would want to do it or could do it. Actually its mostly the people that I would want to do it with are the people who would never be able to do it and never would have the enthusiasm to actually to pull it together. I think thats what frustrates me a lot of times is that my friends would rather go in search of a party with people they dont know rather than put some prior thought into doing something that could be a hell of a lot more fun with people that are cool friends. It always seems funny to me how my frieds think they're so much more mature. Yet there not. They act just like everyone else their age. I know I probably do to its just seems like they play things out even more. Its always kinda interesting to me. I m not saying I want knew friends at all I just wonder how it is that it seems like my friends and I just have such different priorities on things.

okay Jenna (me) wrote this, i'm beth's best friend. and i feel like writing in her diary even though she'll be peeved at me. Dear Beth, I love you so much that if you were driving and couldn't pick your nose I'd do it for you. Oh, and if you want Erick, you can have him. I miss you I haven't seen you since friday. I'm getting Beth withdrawals, badly!!!! You are my boo boo bear and therefore my truest loverly friend whom I adore. Boys suck, we know that. fuck Lorenzo stinky beedy eyed little rat face fucker... and fuck stupid hick ignorant cowboy hat, tobacco chewin redneck BRANDON McCRACKIN. HAHAH and Fuck Erick... well not really, but he's a guy so fuck him anyway. I just love my boo. later peace pipe xoxoxo Jenna

If my grandma had balls shed be my grandpa.

Standing center stage Looking out Over the field and stands Preparing to throw A carrier changing pitch To one of the most solid players While family and friends Sit at attention Hoping to see Mike Enjoy the game he loves Yet On November 27,2003 That changed Forever No longer will anyone see That young and joyful soul Upon the pitching mound He can only be seen In our pictures and Our memories Standing in hopes to see Only a simple glimpse Of your casket I could hear Only the faint hum Of the spoken words As we were all crammed in Only few could see more Than the broad and single candle That stood above your casket Only symbolizing The strength within you As we soon all huddled outside We saw the delicate rainbow Sweeping across the sky Knowing it could Only be you I became overwhelmed By the enormous crowd That formed In hopes to have That one last memory of you As your casket passed Along side Your loving family, Friends, And teammates On Thanksgiving Day Three young and joyful spirits Left this world Leaving behind those to mourn Their loving souls While two other Young and joyful spirits Must now carry The burden Of all five lives That once And fatal drive Not only destroyed Those five lives But those who loved them Must now deal With the consequences They must face everyday Knowing they will never see Them again That night Effected many Not only by grief But now knowing The significance Of a life That can be taken Not only In days or years But in a split second Because of one decision That many make To drink and drive We have lost many Our world Will no longer have That amazing baseball player, That elegant dancer, That talented artist, That strategic stockbroker, That life saving doctor, That exciting lawyer, Or simply Our grandparent or grandchild, Our Aunt or Uncle, Our cousin, Our brother or sister, Our son or daughter, Our mother or father, Or just our best friend..

Beth we must have some fun... well lets see we are going to have a house to ourselves pretty soon. You are THE BEST friend anyone could ask for. I'm excited that you're painting a nude of me for christmas... soon you'll be an old lady. I love you so so so MUCH. thank god i have you, what would I do without you?

Hi Beth, I set up some colors on your diary that I thought you might like. I love you and remember that my diary is [Damaged].... okay? -Jenna I'll post you one of my poems. Let the meloncholy melody wash over our bodies with the soul our epiphany this is a battle worth winning in the evening when the eyelids flutter to a stop and loving you in me was never lost though we are for never, we cannot show whethter or not we live in eachothers arms or if I can just not see past your charms this is a boat worth harboring, anchoring down let me live finally will never happen ... I won't let you drown and these words burst inside and I can see fireworks behind my eyes fool the world into their own lies and they are betrayed, outraged feeling stuck in their situation like a cage to claim insane the stuff of this everlasting on my lips ... flame.