I awoke in a strange white room. i see no one i reconize, and for the time being i dont care. i zone out and fall back into sleep. I am awoken later "chrissy, chrissy? wake up..... im doctor jones, ill be your pyschiatrist." "my what?" still groggy and half asleep. "your psychiatrist, im here to help you." At this point i have no idea whats going on. i take a closer look at where i am, i relize then that i am in a hospital bed. i feel a strange sting in my arm, i look down and see that my arms have been bandaged up to the elbow. slowly, it all starts to come back like a horrible plague. It was a warm summer day, everyone was outside in the sun with their freinds....everyone but me. i was in my room, curtains drawn, crying in my artificial night i had created. i start to drift into a deep sleep, suddenly the door slames, HES home. the man i am forced to call father stumbles through the door. "get your ass up girl, get up...now!!!" he bark at me and smacks ma across the face. hes a big man, 6'1", 200 ibs, he reeks of whiskey and gin so i dont dare defy him. i notice now that my house is empty except for us. He closes my door as he takes off his belt. then pushes me to the bed, its happening again. i try to crawl away fro my painful fate but he grabs me by my ankle and spreads my legs. he gets ontop of my forcefully, and i start to cry and try to get away, though its no use at all. After a short time i stop fighting i just lie there and take it. as he forces himslef inside of my small, frail body, i wince in horendous pain. tears still roll down my face, he hits me and blackens my eye. i start to yell and scream. "get off me, help, let me go, get off!!!!" Its no use, he covers my mouth and beats me with his leather belt he grabbed off the floor. as he finishes up, he grabs his bottle, cheap vodka, puts on his pants and whips me with the belt a few more times just for fun. "dont you tell anyone you ungrateful fucking whore, you had it coming. its our little secret, keep your big fuckin mouth shut, or i will slit your mutha fuckin throat slut." the usual threat after each rape. I lie there in pain for a while, as my memory plays through. I ball up on my bed and cry and think about what had just happened to me. i remmeber then running to the bathroom when he had finally passed out on the living room chair. all i wanted was this to never happen again and the pain to stop. I grap the small mirror of the sink, a towel, and go back into my room, i lock the door the best i can with my busted lock. I wrapped the towel around the mirror and slammed it into my knee. it shatters, tears still falling. i grap the first sharp peice i find a hold it to my arm. i scream, "I HATE YOU!!!!" and start hacking at my arm, cutting very deep. as i am running the shard up my left arm, i hear the door, my sisters and brother are home. i press as hard as i can, my blood starts to pour out. it stains my purple sheets a horrid black color. then i switch arms, cutting up the other too. i feel faint and tears a pouring like rain. my sheets are soaked in my pain, not satified, i puch in deeper and DEEPER. suddenly i hear a small sound, like a tearing or popping. i pass out on my bed. I suppose my sister called 911, because next thing i know i am in the hospital. "chrissy? chrissy?" the doctor is snapping her fingers in my face.i zoned out while thinkin about what had happened. i snapped back to reality. "im here to help you. when you are well enough, you will be sent to Westwood Lodge Hospital, we will speak more when you arrive. try to get some rest, i have to go" as her beeper goes off, she leaves the room. My jaw drops, a mental hospital i think, why? what for? i guess it never dawned on me before now, 37 stiches, years of cutting myself, 1 suicide attempt, almost fatal. im ashamed and in great shock. tears begin to fall again, and i cry myself back to sleep.