10.46am It's funny how small things can make you happier than big things that are meant to be joyous. Well, perhaps. Like a conversation that settles you down a little. Or someone not caring that you're being all PMS-y. Yeah, yeah, so I do get over emotional, I wish I didn't, wish it wasn't such a cliche. But at least I've started to recognise it now. Before I just assumed all the ups and downs I was feeling were just me and my crazy head. What annoys me is when guys assume just because it's PMS it's not legitimate feelings. Perhaps they're accentuated slightly, but personally my little sobbing fits and then ultimate happiness come from things I have been feeling anyway. It's just that the things that before made me a little annoyed or upset now make me hysterical. It's not as if suddenly because of hormones your entire position on life changes. I wonder if dreams reflect anxieties a lot. I suppose they do. I wish I could show my friends know how much I love them.

5.44pm I wanted to make a new entry to highlight the fact that I am in fact feeling a lot different today. What a difference a day makes. And not only am I feeling better I'm feeling positively smiley. Your grace abounds so deeply within me. So, I suppose I should say why I'm feeling this way? For one thing I did say my entries should be more positive. But if I'm honest they're always going to reflect the way I'm feeling because I'm not so good at hiding things, especially when this is the place where I'm meant to let things go a bit. I also feel a little more independant today, like I've realised it's Ok to be happy on my own, to not rely on other people. I'm a social person by nature, my emotions will depend slightly on others, but I can sit at home reading by myself and still be happy.

9.51pm Righty ho, my entries are now officially about good things, because I get myself way too worked up about things, and I'm so sick of having to sign off MSN because I'm getting too upset and annoyed by everything. So I want to feel good about myself, but I don't think it's going to work at the moment. I feel like just because other people have started to hate me again, I can't possibly like myself. But what does it show about me that this is the time I try and change and actually act on my principles and have some morals, and suddenly everyone's assuming I'm a bitch. Can't I have a chance to prove myself? Maybe I won't do the bad thing this time around. I hate the way life just throws the best irony at you. Good person? Yeah, I don't deserve to even try. See my faults above my personality, 'cause I don't think my personality will show for much anymore. It's pretty much dying. This makes me want to throw things at the walls/myself/the computer. Right. Stop it. I'm happy. Yeah. Actually today was quite fun. I might just sign off the computer and go talk to my family and have fun. And watch football.

6.50pm Yeah, I figured myspace can be given a small rest tonight, and I'll turn my attentions back to this diary, considering it actually works now. Good. So, I'm a pretty awful person really. Which is a bit... It's just expected of me now. I hate the way that everyone has in their mind that image of the good little girls, and I'm not in it. But then, I hardly make anyone think of me like that, with the stuff I talk about. I've had this feeling for about two/three weeks that most people just wish I'd shut up. Ok, now I'll shut up, because this entry was spurred by another person's entry who I love lots, and I feel so crap about it. And I wish I would have the guts to just speak up when I should. (I love you) I get jealous as hell too. Lots of things have been going on recently, and sometimes I wish I could be less of a bitch. In fact. I am going to be. Yeah. Anyway. Life is pretty good if I'm really honest. And this diary is for when I'm complaining. So I'm going to stop writing, and just go away and talk to people.

10.54pm I'm going to Wales tomorrow. School field trip. I'll be back on Tuesday night [when I might well just explain the title].

4.24pm It's gone too far now. The way that there's just too much in between. But I don't want it to be like this. There's more to me than this, I think. And I know that you feel horrible, I know that I am horrible. But I care. I promise I care. And sometimes that's why it's hard to talk. Because I'm scared I'll say it wrong, I'm scared it'll come out funny and you'll think I don't care, you'll think it doesn't matter to me. And I agree, it's got to the point where I don't know who I want to make an effort with. But I want to keep the things that matter. And maybe this is one of these things. I tried to make this so you might not know it was for you. But it's blindingly obvious.

9.38pm I know the rest of the world doesn't care. But West Ham lost on penalties In a game they should have won. But not just any game The FA CUP FINAL. Who got me interested in football? I shall have to go and kill them. I almost had a heart attack many times today.

7.16pm I have been at my mum's work all day for "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" It was pretty much boring. Apart from the witness statement. And the fact that I met the most perfect guy ever. He gave me a lift home, he liked amazing music, he talked to me about amusing gigs he had attended [Milton Keynes Bowl - Oasis. Me = v. impressed]. Also about exams and school and all that jazz. He was gorgeous. Shame he's 27, eh? 12 year age gap. Methinks mother would be up in arms. And the long term girlfriend? That can all be taken care of ;] In case you hadn't noticed, I am in fact joking. I did meet the perfect guy, but I don't intend to steal him from his girlfriend. This is merely to distract me from my pounding headache and utter exhaustion. Who knew the world of "work" could be so tiring?

4.35pm Get off the bandwagon, put down the anthem To pass the time, I may as well tell you all a little story. There are three characters: Me, Heather, and Tom. Tom is meant to like Heather. He has told her this. Heather kind of likes Tom. It's all happy, they might go and out and be even more happy [much happiness is happening here]. Then a little problem pops up: me [not that I'm predictable or anything]. He added me on MSN yonks ago, I don't know why/how, but he did. Anyway, he begins to talk to me, and decides that he fancies me. Obviously I don't actually know this, but he sends a text to Heather telling her of this, on Tuesday. Then he talks to me [Tuesday night as well] and tells me that he never faniced Heather. And implies that he likes me. Uh-oh. Then tonight [Thursday] I told Heather, and she told me. You cannot defeat members of the "Faithful Four" boy, and you never will. So in conclusion, he's lying to one of us. And he wants to meet me. Yes, you do hear me right, he's decided he likes me without even meeting me. And he wants to meet alone. If this counts as an entry then Tom might have a use in life after all.

7.58pm I am cool Because I listen to 5ive "If you're gettin' down, baby." Yes.

7.49pm I know I haven't written an entry in bloody ages. I've just got worse and worse at updating this thing. I hate the way I say exactly what everyone else says. I'm just another carbon copy of everyone else on this site. Nothing changes. Only my opinions. I went for a long walk, a week ago. It wouldn't matter much, apart from the fact that it was quite pretty. I had a headache and all I can think of to do anymore is watch TV or go on the computer. I'm sick of myself and I'm sick of the way I have no motivation. So I went on a walk. It was going to just be a brisk walk round the block [or as much as you can get of a block in a country village], but I went past a footpath I always used to go down as a kid and I just turned into it. I found myself by my dad's grave. I make it sound like I was 'led' there or something. But I cried. Which I haven't done for him for quite a while. I felt like such a damn fake. Everyone cries when their dad dies. Is it just me who forgot it this year then? I've been on holiday too. I love my family. As soon as I realise I love people, I wonder what I would do if they die. Happy thoughts. I just can't be bloody bothered.

11.10am I slept over Cat's last night and due to being picked up at nine this morning, I am already very, very awake, and feeling slightly like it's the middle of the day. On a normal weekend... well I suppose I get up at nine on a normal weekend as well but I would certainly not get dressed at five minutes past. Cat and I always have rather deep and intellectual conversations about the different ways our minds work and how some of our personality traits grate against each other. I suppose we're two people that if you looked at personality shouldn't get on, but we do. Yet again, I want to do my english essay but I don't have the motivation. I seem to find myself here quite a lot. It's just one of those things that I have no desire whatsoever to do. Sometimes I don't mind doing essays because at least the subject matter is vaguely interesting, but every single point that's written in my essay plan is utter rubbish. I'm one of those people who gets to sleep really easily most of the time. Obviously, there are nights when I just can't make myself switch off, but recently I haven't been getting enough sleep anyway so when I give myself the chance I'm out like a light. Cat plays music when she's going to sleep, and when we decided to go to sleep last night, I was out like a light before the end of the first track. Impressive.

10.05am I am yet again in a cover lesson listening to the hum of computers. Perhaps this is becoming too much of a regular occurance, I've had four of this kind of lesson in three days. That can't be good for my education. Cell group has changed a lot since we were first there, in good and bad ways. This is my bible study group. I do feel like we are more focussed now than we have been before, but then last night we spent a full ten minutes unable to speak from laughter. In other ways, it's changed for the worse. I miss Sarah. She can't come at the moment because she a viral thing that makes her really really tired all of the time, and I want her to come back. She hardly ever comes to church either now, she goes to another one a few miles away. I don't blame her, I know that the other church has a different kind of worship that I certainly enjoy, but I do miss her. Some people are going away tomorrow morning, on the German Exchange. It's strange, because I make fun of them [they are going to a different country to attempt to speak a foreign language] but if I wasn't away on the week of the French Exchange I would probably go on it. I just got Slap her, she's French! in my head, and I suppose it's strange, but I do have a lot of fears about the family being weird or the partner being really horrible. But I shouldn't worry because I'm not actually going on the exchange. I made a decision last night that to go out with anyone at the moment would be lying to myself, and to the other person, because I like this other boy too much. I guess I'm just stupid like that.

2.20pm I feel quiet, not because of a chosen state, but because I am in the library. I am supposed to be writing that English essay that I was supposed to be writing during my last entry, but we've had an extension of the deadline until next Tuesday and I was going to write it all tonight anyway. The sound of lots of people typing is soothing. Well, I think it's kind of office sounds: buzzing computers, the occasional photocopier. I have no idea why I find this so normal and soothing. The silence I find quite oppressive, but there's a weird part of me that likes not having to talk sometimes. My throat hurts, because when I do say something I whisper. No wonder the librarian has a permanent whisper. She must have one heck of a sore throat all the time. We were talking about boyfriends at lunch today, and how Cat doesn't need one to be happy. I do. Well, I don't think I do, all I need is guys to like me and I am relatively Ok with myself, which makes me happy. There are other factors, obviously, but I tend to simplify things in my mind and therefore you get a very simplified explanation. Cat, however, has boys who like her. So if we (somehow) took them away, would she still be as happy? Who knows? Well we wouldn't do that anyway, because we don't want to make Cat unhappy, so whatever works for her should stay the same. We were also talking about everyone's brothers, but that conversation got far too distasteful for my liking.

1.15pm I shouldn't be writing this at the moment, I should be doing an English essay, but I'm sure that it can wait. I lie, it can't really wait but I will make it wait because I don't want to do it. Added to that I forgot to bring the notes home from school to help me with it so I feel like I might do it tomorrow night. Not so good when I have to hand it in on Tuesday but I'm sure I'll be fine. I know I haven't written anything recently, a long time by my scale, but it's generally because I think I've said almost everything I can say on this diary already. I feel rather redundant in my writing, especially as I am used to writing things that make sense and say something significant. Of course, going back and reading some of my previous entries I realise that nothing I've written is actually significant but I do have a certain standard to live up to. So, if girls have nothing left to talk about, what do they talk about? Boys. Yes, that's right guys, we do spend far too much of our time talking about you, but that's mainly because it's a generally internationally recognised topic of conversation. I don't tend to bring up the weather with Americans, it tends to confirm their worst fears about conversations in Britain. Boys confuse me. When I wouldn't mind a boyfriend (please?) there are none to be seen anywhere, and as soon as I decide I'll be fine without them (thank you very much) they're everywhere. Can't they just be a bit reliable? Ok, maybe that's expecting a bit much. I suppose I like the ups and downs. It's what makes it life.

4.32pm I had swimming last period and my eyes are stinging and my hair is making the cold wind all the more biting. Surprisingly, my eyes aren't bloodshot. I hate my eyes being bloodshot. Those that claim that they're not showing off, Are drowning in denial. I wish the monotony of MSN conversations would improve. Hey Hey How are you? Fine thanks, you? Me too Perhaps it's only me who likes change, but I am really beginning to think that a life refraining from MSN is the best course to take. What do I know about love?

10.47am I'm putting cheesy music on my mp3 for my party, and I'm just sitting here at the computer getting really hyper all by myself. I love it really. I stayed over Zoë's and it was much fun, we kept texting random boys telling them what we were doing, and it was rather amusing to see their replies. We played a game where two people stand up, and each is dealt a card (no-one else knows what it is but the person who has it). Then it's like pistols at dawn, take three paces each way and you have to "act out" the card, ace being the lowest and king being the highest. When one person is ace and is running away and the other is king and is pretty much molesting the other person there are amusing results. I love my friends. I also will love being wonderwoman tonight, although my costume is so tight that it renders me even more flat chested than before. I will probably post pictures later.

4.04pm The day before school starts again. What a strange day. In limbo, trying to finish homework, trying to enjoy the last gasps of freedom. Can anyone explain to me why I can't quite believe I'm fifteen already? Changing my age on my diary made me feel almost geriatric. I kind of enjoy these years, no exams (not proper ones, at least), hardly any responsibilty (I wouldn't say history prefect exactly puts the weight of the world on my shoulders). I sat reading today for three hours straight. When am I going to be able to do that again? When I retire most likely. I don't want my life to pass by in a blur. I want to live it. I am longsighted. And I might need glasses in six months. I think glasses are quite glamourous. Maybe my mother would disagree, but that's because she walks into big black metal bars when she gives them to me. Where would I be without laughter?

9.52pm I wish I was more spontaneous. Rather than having to make a list, review the list, redo the list, and then check every item off on the list. I am such an old woman already. It's very sad. Led to the slaughter, like the saviour's daughter, that I am I made that up myself. I'm just oh so cool. Leave it.

11.22am Some things shouldn't affect me as much as they do. Little things. I haven't written in such a long time. Well, for me it's a very long time. I just haven't had anything to say. It's not that I haven't had anything worthwhile to say, it's that I actually have been incapable of thinking of anything to put into words. Some things are just meant not to happen. Like people splitting up when they seem perfect for each other. I know that everything in life is not perfect, and some things just don't go to plan, but it's just really sad when you know two people love each other so much and yet they can no longer cope with being in love. Happy Valentine's day as well. I don't have a particular valentine (just ones I want) but I have a much better view of it this year, with great friends to snap me out of it when I get too down. Not that I didn't last year, but this year there are more of them, so I have to be far more determined to stay down about it to have any hope of succeeding. ----- Emily's house