i said a lot of this earlier, but i'm gonna put it in here too, because i can say all of it here and it might make more sense. probably not. but maybe. also, i just like things in here better. like i said. you confuse the living crap out of me. first you told me you'd always love me adn always care. then you stopped loving me. which didn't confise me, i knew that was going to happen. and then you stopped aqcting like you cared about me at all when you started going out with maria. and pretty much stopped talking to me. or at least about things that mattered. and then after you broke up, you started talking to me again. and stared acting like you cared again. this makes me feel like you only talk to me when you don't have someone better to talk to. which isn't the best feeling. but i don't blame you at all for it. you are 4 years older then me. it's completely understandable if you don't want to be great friends, or even friends at all. more then understandable, expected. so while you were with maria, i felt completely unwanted by you. and i was getting used to when she dumped you and you started acting like you gave a shit again. which, obviously, made me feel wanted, but also used. like i said, it feels like you only want me if there's no one else. and then at rachel's house, you said you wanted to kiss me on the band trip. this completely threw me off guard. especially since you never followed up on it at all. i have no idea what you're intentions were with that. were you even serious? and don't give me any "whatever you want" shit about anything in this entry. this isn't about me. it's never been about me. i don't care about what i want. i know what i want, but i don't want it unless you want it too. what i want is to be good friends. friends that actually see each other. not invisable friends. i don't want an invisable friend. as you know, we can in fact see each other. "your parents won't let you" isn't a problem anymroe it seems. or not as much. so it's up to you now. i'll do whatever you want. i have an extreme fear of rejection. and i have an extreme fear of forcing myself on people who don't want me there. and i have an extreme fear of people pretending to like me. so don't. don't pretend to like me if you don't. don't pretend to be my friend if that's not what you want. reject me. have you not gathered yet that my biggest concern is that you're happy? do you think i like hearing about you going out with your friends? no, i hate it, it hurts more then just about anything. but i listen anyway. because it means something to you. i'm done caring about my own feelings. if i do that, then it hurts too much to even talk to you online. saturday night you said that you are always nice to and peple walk all over you. well just so you know, it goes both ways. i get walked on by you a fair amount too. you just don't realize it. and i never say anything, because i'm scared that if i do, you'll stop caring at all. so i just shut up and keep it to myself, just like i do with everyone else. hearing you talking about certain things makes me feel worthless, and like i can never even begin to compare with your friends that are your own age. can i? i don't think so. i feel so inferior all the time. and you neve give me any kind of reassurence at all, so it all just builds up. you claim to care about me, yet you never show it. you never ask me how i am. you never ask me what i did, you never ask how i'm feeling. never. and when i try to tell you things you usually just give half-assed, noncomittal responses that give me no reassurace or comfort whatsoever. so there. i think that's all i wanted to say. some answers and closure would be greatly appreciated. but i'm not expecting any. i've been letting all that ferment inside of me for a long time, and it's very scary to say this. because i don't know what you'll think. and don't think i'm mad, because i'm not. i'm just confised and tired adn i want answers. but like i said, it's in your hands now. i'm not making any decisions. treat me how you want me to treat you. and i will. i will be whatever you want. show me what i really am to you. everything, nothing, some, a lot, whatever. because i'm sick of guessing. thank you.

the highschool is an amazing place. dominic seems to seep from the walls. seriously. his presence is all over the place there. i can't begin to count the number of times i've turned a corner and smelled him. or smelled something that reminded me of him. or felt something in the air that completely took me back. you have no idea how many memories are attached to him and that school. that'll be hard next year. he inhabits the place. he's all over. like today. we had to wear gloves for the hand bells. marching band gloves. and one of mine smelled like him. exactly like him. for then next 4 years, i will walk by certain places and rememebr him kissing me and hugging me adn just being with me. like he never will again. i feel like something's missing. i never feel completely anymore. there's always something missing. i gave a lot to him. i suffered a lot to stay with him. lying to my parents hurt. it hurt a lot. because they trusted me, and i betrayed them. and i hated it. but i loved him so it did it. it feels like everything i did was in vain. because we never got anything out of it. the plan was "hold on for another couple years and then all this shit'll be worth it." well we didn't hold on. so all the shit was for nothing. i'm glad he's going to marywood though. i don't want to completely give him up. he means so much to me.

Dominic is probably at some club with Maria. Who is old enough to do those things and therefore more deserving of his affection. And they are probably making out in his car. And having a crapload of fun. While I sit here and let his actions take full control over my emotions. Because I let him in my head like that when he loved me because then, he made me feel good. And now he's stuck in there. And still has full control over my emotional state. And now.... I have to sit back and watch him live the life I’ve wanted so bad for so long. All the while forgetting about me while I’m stuck loving him completely. And I have to watch him leave and get a real life in the real world. And I probably won't even get to say goodbye in person. And it is entirely possible that I have already gotten the last hug from him I will ever get. Which he probably didn't even want to give me. All the few memories that I have with him will fade away. And he will become just a guy. A guy that I don't know anymore. And maybe never did know. Can you really know someone you never see? And in 4 years when I can be with him, he'll have found someone else. And he'll be engaged and happy and in love. And when and if I talk to him then he'll act as though we were casual acquaintances. Because that's what I’ll have been reduced to in his head by then. He’ll have convinced himself that it never meant anything And in 10 years maybe I’ll see him somewhere With his family. Hell maybe I’ll be with my family too. But by then we won't know each other anymore. All the late night conversations will be gone. I don't even remember most of them anymore. Who knows what we talked about then? But I know we don't anymore. I know it's definitely not even close to what it was. But the sad part is that I don't even remember what's missing. Like he said. We were made for each other. God just screwed up on the timing. And now I’ll have to settle for second best. Which sucks because not-second best is right in front of my face. Talking to me 4 hours a day. And I love talking to him. But I know it's going to end. I know he's leaving soon. And I can't even see him ever in the time that's left before he goes. What little time we have left as friends is being wasted, because god screwed things up. 99% of the time I’m thinking, "I wish he was here" Or "what would he be doing if he was here." Or "what would he be saying" And the truth is that I don't know. Because I don't know him. I’ve only talked to him one on one over the Internet. I don't...remember him. It’s been so long since I’ve really seen him with people fore more then a few seconds. I hate it that I don't remember him. But I do. But only parts. One of the strongest memories that on the bus band from the old shoe game. At Lehman And it was night, of course. And I had my head on his chest And he was talking to Adam who was a few seats back. And I could feel every word he said And I could feel him breath and I could feel his heart beating. And I could feel his arms on me, And I knew that he loved me. And I knew that everything I ever needed was right there. I mean, I know that's not true, but then it was. In those few minutes, I had everything I wanted and needed. And now I almost keep waiting for him to say, "don't worry, I was just kidding. Of course I still love you." But I know he's not going to ever. And I hate him for it. I hate him for being so old. And so happy. Except that I don't Hate him I mean Because I can't I know. It’s not him that's making me sad. That’s the hard part. He never did anything to hurt me. It was all the other bullshit surrounding everything He makes me very, very happy. Because he still says little things that show he still cares. Probably not love, but he still cares. I know that. I just know he's not going to for long. Everything I just told you, I want to scream in his face so bad. I am being depressing. And I should stop.

the past couple days have been good. undepressing and relaxed for the most part. which is good.

well back in use. but for a different reason. ok. i'm not gonna explain anything. ok. so i'm good with the whole thing. conversations are more or less the same. maybe better even. tensions are lower. lying less. feels good. don't know what's going on really. friends? going out? dosen't matter. we decided that. we both care about each other. that's all that matters. makes sense. the only thing that hurts is the end of conversations. they're the only thing that's changed. no more "I love you". that hurts. i don't know if he still loves me. and i really want to know that. i know i still love him. what he said about a week ago is "i love you, but is it really love?" or something like that. i don't know what that means. does he mean that he dosen't but wants to? or does but dosen't want to? i don't know. that's the only thing that's causing me any hurt in this at all. besides from the leaving-for-college-not-coming-back thing. but i'm used to that idea now i think. i want him so bad. i want to hug him and kiss him and just have him there. that's the other thing that's causing hurt. but i'm used to that too. i just want to know if he loves me still. i want to tell him i love him. but if he dosen't say it back, it'll hurt more then me not saying it at all. so i'm not going to. but overall, things are good. i think i like it like this. i think.

you no longer matter to me. at all. you have been permanently replaced. with someone so much better then you in every way. this is my final entry in here. unless i decide to change it's purpose.