i said a lot of this earlier, but i'm gonna put it in here too, because i can say all of it here and it might make more sense. probably not. but maybe. also, i just like things in here better. like i said. you confuse the living crap out of me. first you told me you'd always love me adn always care. then you stopped loving me. which didn't confise me, i knew that was going to happen. and then you stopped aqcting like you cared about me at all when you started going out with maria. and pretty much stopped talking to me. or at least about things that mattered. and then after you broke up, you started talking to me again. and stared acting like you cared again. this makes me feel like you only talk to me when you don't have someone better to talk to. which isn't the best feeling. but i don't blame you at all for it. you are 4 years older then me. it's completely understandable if you don't want to be great friends, or even friends at all. more then understandable, expected. so while you were with maria, i felt completely unwanted by you. and i was getting used to when she dumped you and you started acting like you gave a shit again. which, obviously, made me feel wanted, but also used. like i said, it feels like you only want me if there's no one else. and then at rachel's house, you said you wanted to kiss me on the band trip. this completely threw me off guard. especially since you never followed up on it at all. i have no idea what you're intentions were with that. were you even serious? and don't give me any "whatever you want" shit about anything in this entry. this isn't about me. it's never been about me. i don't care about what i want. i know what i want, but i don't want it unless you want it too. what i want is to be good friends. friends that actually see each other. not invisable friends. i don't want an invisable friend. as you know, we can in fact see each other. "your parents won't let you" isn't a problem anymroe it seems. or not as much. so it's up to you now. i'll do whatever you want. i have an extreme fear of rejection. and i have an extreme fear of forcing myself on people who don't want me there. and i have an extreme fear of people pretending to like me. so don't. don't pretend to like me if you don't. don't pretend to be my friend if that's not what you want. reject me. have you not gathered yet that my biggest concern is that you're happy? do you think i like hearing about you going out with your friends? no, i hate it, it hurts more then just about anything. but i listen anyway. because it means something to you. i'm done caring about my own feelings. if i do that, then it hurts too much to even talk to you online. saturday night you said that you are always nice to and peple walk all over you. well just so you know, it goes both ways. i get walked on by you a fair amount too. you just don't realize it. and i never say anything, because i'm scared that if i do, you'll stop caring at all. so i just shut up and keep it to myself, just like i do with everyone else. hearing you talking about certain things makes me feel worthless, and like i can never even begin to compare with your friends that are your own age. can i? i don't think so. i feel so inferior all the time. and you neve give me any kind of reassurence at all, so it all just builds up. you claim to care about me, yet you never show it. you never ask me how i am. you never ask me what i did, you never ask how i'm feeling. never. and when i try to tell you things you usually just give half-assed, noncomittal responses that give me no reassurace or comfort whatsoever. so there. i think that's all i wanted to say. some answers and closure would be greatly appreciated. but i'm not expecting any. i've been letting all that ferment inside of me for a long time, and it's very scary to say this. because i don't know what you'll think. and don't think i'm mad, because i'm not. i'm just confised and tired adn i want answers. but like i said, it's in your hands now. i'm not making any decisions. treat me how you want me to treat you. and i will. i will be whatever you want. show me what i really am to you. everything, nothing, some, a lot, whatever. because i'm sick of guessing. thank you.