sweety you have me...lets get these teens hearts beating faster

careful: cautiously attentive. to: the knot in my heart. from: thybroken a door shutting evrything my cursed being is... afraid, confused and martyred the core of my soul is broken ashamed of what i've become who have i become? what will i become? so many questions left unanswered i've been this way for so long dark, hateful created by sorrow. im afraid of recovery i want to leave this place this devilish place i've created but hesitant to leave a procedure that got created for the wish of not coming back. im careful procrastinator at heart postponing emotions as a way to protect thee from the hurtful realm called reality of pain. listening to the warnings that might not exist... these annoying warnings that keeps me from living a joyful life, a constant reminder of the past that has now become the horrendous present looking now as the future, is there hope left? im careful, but hopeful? mixed emotion dont help family dont offer help friends cant help i cant help myself but to cry, cry, cry inside the tears that once showed aren't able to reach the top just like me... drowning in the depth of my sorrow. drowing tears, please bring me comfort... in this needy time of self search. unable to surface i grew hate for everything... and everyone, im confused and unreachable, but mostly i am careful. ******** i know it sux but im not feeling well lately and umm yeah to help this knot leave...when its gonna be gone ill be back to normal; dark.

...IT'S MY BIRTHDAY... !!!TODAY!!! I know I should be happy about that but evryone cept Cathrine tole me happy birthday...yay!! I'm 16...but it not sweet at all. So yeah that's my sorrow, evryone forgets, right? Is it possible to forget evrything, all the time but just about one person...ME. What more can I say? I hate them... so called friends?? I dont know them anymore...I hate my friends at school I want my old friends back...NOW!! Thats it! I'm Tired of giving I want something back once in a while is that so bad to wish???? thy broken, Sophia

The reason I started this diary is to post my poems, but lately i juss cant find the courage to pick up a pencil and write them on something. I juss CANT DO IT. Im drained emotionally to the point that I cant even write anything. BUT, sumthing tells me its not that im drained, its sumthing more than that blocking evry thought from going on paper. I reeli dont know what to do? WRITER'S BLOCK, maybe... I'm almost sure sumthing serious is wrong with me. CAN ANY1 HELP ME? I dont know...right now I feel useless and somewhat used. Satisfaction is a word i shall never speak again...There's no satisfaction in my life at this point. Should I just end this right here or shall I continue...w/e was started. This is soo me...I reeli dont wanna be me right now. I wanna be sumthing else. I Shall End This Entry With This NOTE; --->loque paso, paso thybroken, Sophia {Love = a word said so many times, it doesnt mean anything anymore...but how come when i say "i Love you" my heart seems to receive sumthing, a signal, to make it beat this fast.} -ME.

one day i opened my eyes things started to disapear then i closed my eyes and things started to reapear so i blink and evrything seemed to b linked... WHEN MY EYES ARE OPEN... pain seemed to suffuse my mind and because sadness is the only thing in sigh, despair is burning the very soul of my being regrets were the only thing to clung on for sumthing could be learned from them; the world wasnt made for me... through my veins, i could feel the venom of hatred making its way an attempt to destroy the only reason im here for... LIFE, an evil gift suddenly blinding reality started to kick in like a narcotic drug its making me unconscious of dreams... WHEN MY EYES ARE CLOSED goodness seemed to suffuse my mind and because happiness is the best thing in sigh, hope is healing the very soul of my being memories were the best thing to clung on for sumthing could be learned from them; i wasnt made for this world... through my veins, i could feel the nutriments of love making its way an attempt to built the only reason im here for... LIFE, a wonderful gift suddenly breath taking dreams started to kick in like a narcotic drug its making me unconscious of reality... WHEN MY EYES BLINK confusion seems to take over a mix of good and bad makes of this life a perfect dreaming reality...

If I could play an instrument or i would record this song/poem that I wrote, thx to scenextragedy who insprired me...Here goes: ...why do i feel this way? i blush when u speak to me im nervous when u smile uncomfortable but yet.. the most comfortable place to b is were i am, wit u y do i feel this way? those actions r revealing... they r symptoms of shame love isnt sumthing like that its beautiful but yet deadly... but definately not shameful. CHORUS: ur making me so self conscious! y do u hurt me so much? i blame u 4 my sadness y do i love u so much? i thank u 4 my happiness what should i do? those are my unspoken words the ones i carry everywhere deep in my soul, my heart like a beautiful burden... that i charish wit my all what should i do? they explain evrything the things i cant say... the courage is not there which keeps u unaware of all the loving care. its waitting for u... im addicted to this drug that is u, my love. ur name is evrywhere disapointement is when ur not here. ur leaving me disoriented. CHORUS: and ur making me so self conscious! y do u hurt me so much? i blame u 4 my sadness y do i love u so much? i thank u 4 my happiness!! y do u hurt me so much? i blame u 4 my sadness y do i love u so much? i thank u 4 my happiness y does it hurt so? now i am all drained and filled wit ur essence im drowning in my melancholy as i read our unwritten chapter the chapter of the impossible.. y oh f***ing y!!!??! ur my only key to happiness like a knot in my heart controling evry inch of me finding new ways 2 kill me ...y does it hurt so? im am helpless and weak i became attentive of ur joys as a way to keep... ...im 6 feet underground, as i see u kiss my rival... ♥HATEFUL LOVE!♥

Looking at him every day Wondering what would I say To the boy who froze my heart By a glance of his icy blues His smile is like fuel to my heart It keeps it running, fast!, fast. But as his presence keeps me alive His ignorance kills me... Will he ever notice me? The girl who is breaking apart Because of a teasing stranger Who brings her hurtful happiness Suddenly just talking to him became a fantasy... He's like an art in the museum All I could do is admire It was all a game to my mind A game, my heart could never win. I wanted him to know... But rejection was my fear And secretcy was compromising... I knew everything but yet didnt To hide that this could all end one day And all that would be left Is a girl w/o courage and full of regrets... "what ifs" running through her mind.

My deepest feelings should not be known It should be kept inside And In the shadows of my soul Should be kept the ones dearest to my heart You should've known, they were kept inside because of a reason... They always hurt... Feelings hurt now or later. They will slowly choke you until your last breath But only for one scared to face them Those like me who am weak at heart and unsecured Should not be pressured to tell them... The pressure of those so-called friends... Like vampires dying to have blood They crave for your secret feelings You've put so much care into hiding. They take your secrets out the closet NO they STOLE my secrets and put then out of the closet For the world to see...*and do they care u ask?* It doesn't matter...I CARED It's like they unleashed the devil running after me Like fire burning my being and going right through my soul And that's when darkness took over *emopain.pain.pain* Making me something worst than nothing Its then that I realized that... To be like a physical prisoner and be locked up is not that bad Because I once knew and had liberty of the heart That's all I needed and now I KNOW that I have nothing... As those chains tighten on my soul The fire and its evilness takes over me... I started to question my being on this world Too bad they would have never known that this simple action Of "finding" out the name of one dear to my heart Could be the reason you are now scared to speak my name... Because even if you killed my dear liberty, I have found yet the ultimate liberty... And like an eagle I am now slowly flying, Flying away toward the place of no return... *lol* Nothing you can do can stop me, I am already gone... If only you had said nothing; Instead of saying the name of one I loved...:( WHO SAID RUMORS TRUEorFALSE COULD BE "FUN"? WHOEVER DID...LIED!

Born into a world of perfection To follow rules of regulation Where each individual follows the same path Trying to reach what is beyond perfect… It was just a dream and a longing People filled their minds with Indulging it to their successors To try to fulfill those unreachable beliefs And their successors Blindfolded followed the legacy… A false legacy that would break The believers’ meaning of life When they will soon realize one thing; That the world is not perfect It’s just a lie or a promise made to the soul To give comfort to the uncomfortable And she noticed the corruption… So she left her shelter and marked path To go where she was forbidden She wanted to be free of those chains That were lies to whom wanted to believe Those left her jaded and wondering For all she believed was gone… She became a seeker with a broken past… In her search, she found a demonic world Created by humans to hide their insecurity It was antagonistic to all that she knew And broke all hope of an ideal She was now heading for a New World, Numb and alienated… She started having unexplainable feelings… As she stared the REAL world around her, A dreadful place to be facing… She found herself wanting to be part Of all the sinful and hopeless world That had been hidden from her But she didn’t know why… So she did what she wanted… She entered the world knowing nothing On how to survive a harmful place But yet she had to go further and further On a search of something, A thing that she couldn’t explain But somehow knew that it was important… She screamed out a cry of distress… And as the world wounded her Pained and bruised her Weakened and disturbed her Saddened her and almost kill her She knew she had to do something So she did the only thing she could do…. A new vision of the world came to her She turned her back to her maternal believes To face her new found believes By doing so, this little girl Changed into something stronger She became a fallen angel… A path chosen for its reality Of inclination towards liberality To fulfill most her longings To explore the unexplored of the world… Some were scared to face the enemy but she wasn’t AFRAID… Now that she’s facing it, will she win the battle? It will never be continued…we will never find out.

I am not admirable I am not dignified I am not skillful I am not highly acccomplished I am not honourable I am not satisfactory I am not well expressed or heard I am not free from impurity I am not beautiful I am not complimentory I am not smart I am not good-looking I am not elegant I am not capable of delicate perspection I am not very well in spirits So therefore, I am not fine... I am difficult I am inopportune And I am exiled... I AM ME.

Seeking for an alter, I start all blank Covering everything That once was there With a sheet of nothing Watch as a painting is about to be created I plan an imagery of perfection That I will soon put into action To become what I should be I pick up the brush of change And I paint to mask the unwanted feelings Purple, I laugh Blue, I am friendly Yellow, I am happy... I add colors after colors To make an image A beautiful masterpiece Strokes after strokes Until I am satisfied Of the comfort it provides me I SMILE...content with my work But only if you look carefully You will notice Under all those strokes of color Is living an infinite history of despair Mysterious dominant pain Of a past tragedy That's part and will always be part of ME As a cry for help trying to be heard It rises to the surface to destroy The beautiful but deadly painted art That I call pretending... To be Continued?