i feel so tired... things have just been so bad and i just want to give up and die. im afraid of death but i welcome it just the same. i want it but i fear it. more i just want release than death... i wonder if theres a spell for that... ive been cutting again, freaking about my body, and people arent helping the matter. i just want everything to go away and let me be in my mind; the only place where im at peace. but ironicly my mind is so full of images i want to forget and i cant help but let my mind wander to them. i mean have you ever had that? where you can feel and smell and taste everything but really its all just in your head and you just remember it so vividly? i remember the Beast's heavy body on mine. me not being able to breathe because his mouth is smothering mine. i can feel the breeze flowing through the tent. hear dougs cataleptic breathing while he sleeps... hear the trees shifting and groaning as if in protest to what Beast is doing to me. i can still feel his horrid hands carressing every inch of my body and it makes me sick. i shudder every time i think of that night. i cant help it. it happened over 6 months ago and i can still remember it all. i still feel dirty even though ive taken hundreds of showers since that night. i just want to know why i cant forgeteverything and move on with my life.