today [ periods 1-4 ] are the last day of full classes. I cant even believe it. school is almost over. monday and tuesday are finals. wednesday is regents. the 21st is a regents. I was talking to cj, nicole and jessica and we cant even believe it. i'm going to miss them so much, I think out of all the people that signed my yearbook and were like. omg call me. they're the only ones i'd really call. they were my good friends this year :] i looove them guys. I dont want to be a senior, im going to cry. when I graduate. im going to cry. ill miss all my friends, they mean the world to me. S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! hm. ohmygawd. last night, nigel was being cute. I love him when he's like this. and it's amazing because his girlfriend has another boyfriend so I doubt that they'd get back together anytime soon. I know that's what he wants, but maybe for the better of things, they dont get back together. or maybe just for the sake of me. :] anyways. he asked for my number, and I told him a lot of things i've never felt comfortable telling him before. but last night I felt comfortable. he's amazing. he doesnt want me getting all hung up on him when something better comes along. and I told him that I havent found anything better than him, i think he's the best person i've ever met. i want to be with him. but with school ending, nothing would really work out. but you know, i dont know. im going to go, not like I have anything better to do. .. it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout S2.

today [ periods 1-4 ] are the last day of full classes. I cant even believe it. school is almost over. monday and tuesday are finals. wednesday is regents. the 21st is a regents. I was talking to cj, nicole and jessica and we cant even believe it. i'm going to miss them so much, I think out of all the people that signed my yearbook and were like. omg call me. they're the only ones i'd really call. they were my good friends this year :] i looove them guys. I dont want to be a senior, im going to cry. when I graduate. im going to cry. ill miss all my friends, they mean the world to me. S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! hm. ohmygawd. last night, nigel was being cute. I love him when he's like this. and it's amazing because his girlfriend has another boyfriend so I doubt that they'd get back together anytime soon. I know that's what he wants, but maybe for the better of things, they dont get back together. or maybe just for the sake of me. :] anyways. he asked for my number, and I told him a lot of things i've never felt comfortable telling him before. but last night I felt comfortable. he's amazing. he doesnt want me getting all hung up on him when something better comes along. and I told him that I havent found anything better than him, i think he's the best person i've ever met. i want to be with him. but with school ending, nothing would really work out. but you know, i dont know. im going to go, not like I have anything better to do. .. it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout S2.

today [ periods 1-4 ] are the last day of full classes. I cant even believe it. school is almost over. monday and tuesday are finals. wednesday is regents. the 21st is a regents. I was talking to cj, nicole and jessica and we cant even believe it. i'm going to miss them so much, I think out of all the people that signed my yearbook and were like. omg call me. they're the only ones i'd really call. they were my good friends this year :] i looove them guys. I dont want to be a senior, im going to cry. when I graduate. im going to cry. ill miss all my friends, they mean the world to me. S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! hm. ohmygawd. last night, nigel was being cute. I love him when he's like this. and it's amazing because his girlfriend has another boyfriend so I doubt that they'd get back together anytime soon. I know that's what he wants, but maybe for the better of things, they dont get back together. or maybe just for the sake of me. :] anyways. he asked for my number, and I told him a lot of things i've never felt comfortable telling him before. but last night I felt comfortable. he's amazing. he doesnt want me getting all hung up on him when something better comes along. and I told him that I havent found anything better than him, i think he's the best person i've ever met. i want to be with him. but with school ending, nothing would really work out. but you know, i dont know. im going to go, not like I have anything better to do. .. it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout S2.

wow. I missed sitD so much. so much has happened that I never got a chance to update about. well. I updated my xanga. www.xanga.com/x3an_x_accidentxstilltrying the most recent, was Nigel. i'm in love S2! he's great. I seen him this morning. I havent seen him since wednesday. I was baked saturday [ because I went to my cousins and I recieved an oversized dime. ] and I started crying. I missed him so much. :[ but I hope we talk today. because I love talking to him. Oh. I went to Karissa's bbq yesterday. drama drama drama. Jordin was there, I spent most of my time with Jordin and Jesica. there was Jordin, Me, Jesica, Alyssa, Karissa, Ashley, Kira, Kayla, BryBry, Krystle, Sam, Sarah, Gia, Danielle,Frank and other people I didnt know. it was actually pretty fun. :] hm. I guess I dont have much to say. kbye. :]

say that in a sentence. I feel chillin. it doesnt make sense. but I feel chill. not calm, or content. just .. chill. I had inschool suspension today. O_O it's a pointless punishment. it's a zoo in there. and they wonder why kids keep returning there. the same ones too. I think I got written up again, because I got sassy with the teacher. I dont like her, so she deserved it. good theory. I think i'm hanging out with Nick on friday. and Andy, Nemer, Krissy & Kaycee. I dont know what's going to happen, actually .. yes I do. it's more I want it too happen, but I dont want it too happen. i'm playing tug of war with good girl, bad girl. and i'm losing on both ends. i'm going to be drinking. I cant use that as an excuse for what I do. but it's going to have to be good enough until I can think of a better, half way decent one. .. tonights your last chance to, do exactly what you want too. and this could be my night. this is what makes me feel alive. in this moment, where we both ignore the truth it's all over. feel your heart against mine take a breath and close your eyes. ...

Hi, you know what I want, I want to be real. I want to do the drugs my parents tell me not too, and then not remember where I am. I want to drink 4 straight beers, and fall over my own feet. I want to expierience new things with boys that wont matter 10 years from now I want to laugh more than I cry, I want to laugh so hard that I do cry. I want to drive 50 miles to see something for 5 minutes. I want to fall in love. I want to make mistakes just so I can learn new things. I want to tell someone exactly whats on my mind, when it's on my mind. I want to do my make up bold, and wear my hair crazy. I want to care about everyone more than myself. I want to be wild. I want to try new things. I want to walk to new places, instead of drive. I want to wish on stars, and watch clouds roll by. I want to know a BIG secret, and tell a little white lie. I want to run through the rain and shreek at lightning. I want to smile. I want to think for myself. I want to have a crush on someone totally wrong for me. just to find the right person in the end. I want to make out. I want to cry over something worth crying over. I want to make new friends, and re-invent old ones. I want to feel infinite & invincable. I just want to live in this moment, right now.

yes. i'm calm. I havent been. last night I got my progress report. my mom yelled at me. my dad made stupid remarks. .. what else is new? I yelled at him. then it was all over. I cant go to my cousins this weekend. but i'm going to talk my mom into letting me go because I have to go. we're supposed to hang out with Cj tonight. and Eric, Kaycee's supposed to come. but she cant hang out with Krissy and if she cant hang out with Krissy she cant hang out with me. so I dont know if we're still hanging out with Cj or not. because we're all supposed to get crunked. but we cant get crunked if we have to walk Kaycee home. so basically, either Kaycee's going to ruin this for us. OR Kaycee's going to hate us. so either way, we lose. i dont know. I want to hang out with Cj, for reasons. ^_^ haha, the only thing im worried about is Kaycee not finding out. I dont care about the fact that i'd do it, I just dont want her to know. I dont want to hear about it afterwards. but what Kaycee doesnt know, doesnt hurt her ;] i'm such a bad friend . . . i looooooove how kyle touches my legs. lmfao. =)

Hello you. yesterday was a good day, one of the best. =) guess whose back? Nigel's back. He didnt go anywhere in the first place, im just saying that he's back in my life. I let go of my feelings to see if they'd really come back. and they did. He means more to me than I thought, and everyone knows it. .. I seen him yesterday after lunch and he was walking with Lauren and he didnt say anything too me. I actually got upset because she makes me irate, and he knows it. I seen Lauren walking with a different guy and I wonder why Nigel wastes his time, I wouldnt leave him for another guy. especially an uglyier one. I went looking for him, because I felt like I had too. and I found him. =) he put his arm out so we could walk, arm in arm. it was almost like he was courting me. I dont think anyone says that anymore, but it sounds really cute. we looked really cute. ♥. " whatsup beautiful " .. I miss him saying things like that, until I heard it and remembered what it was like. he used to make my heart flutter that way. .. AND we had an actual conversation. no one knows how much that honestly means too me. because we never have conversation anymore, it's usually a one-sided deal. me talking to .. well, air. we stopped on the stairs, and he asked me for a kiss. I kissed him without hesitation. it was amazing. ♥. we both missed that, and now I remember why. I dont know if I want to wait for him. even thought it's what i've been doing for a good while now. it's better than that other boy. I dont know, I still need more time to think. .. Last night, me and Jesica went galavanting around Amsterdam. we walked from walmart to guy park, then from guy park to eckerds. it's a pretty decent walk, i'm really tired too. I seen Nick. [ not the Nick I usually mention, this is another one. ] everytime he sees me, he just looks at me. he never says a word. I wonder what's going through his mind when he looks at me. .. hm, then we hung out with Seth for a while. =) ohmygawd. I missed him. it was really great seeing him again, QT like always. pft. I owe a lot of work in computers. i'm never going to get it done. I dont know why I bother. and I say the same thing every day. this is the only time I really update. unless something happens after 3rd and i'll update it at home. PEACE. ♥.

Hi, I was just thinking that. I didnt think it was a mood. but I have a really bad headache. it's due to the fact that I have a really sore throat. I came to school around 840. I got to sleep in, it was great. I havent had that nice of a sleep in a while. [ i've been sick for ages. ] .. I was on the phone with kaycee and krissy. kaycee tried telling me that I like nick. how can you tell someone who they like? .. it's like " hey, you like her, ok? " you know it doenst work that way. if that was the case, some boy would like me right about now. i'm not going to say I like him because I still dont know. i'm going to amsterdam with Jesica tonight because we're working with our old, wednesday routine. but my luck, he wont be working. I want to leave him a note on his car, but I dont know where it is and I dont know what to say in the note without sounding stupid. everything I say sounds stupid somehow. I was thinking, " hey, thanks for the good time friday night. let's do it again sometime ". but even that sounds stupid. i'm going to stop thinking about it because it's making me sad. Oh, I found pictures from one of our OLD wednesday expiditions. bfflz. ♥ .. big lots. =) i luhh my bestfwiend.

Hi, this really is bothering me. I have no clue why though. .. maybe it's the fact that he lied to me. or maybe it's the fact that he knew everything he was saying when we were together. and he's saying .. " I was drunk. " [ insert more lame excuses here. ] I feel bad, because now there's nothing I didnt want it to stoop that low. I cant just IM him and ask him to hook up, things dont work randomly like that. he approached me the first time, and I cant just approach him. approaching people makes me uncomfortable. it's outside my feel good barrier. [ I remember someone told me that from 8th grade, then I started crying. ] .. Oh, and the other wierd thing is how everyone I know, noticed the fact that my hickey was in the shape of a ♥. how is something like that not wierd. and my horoscope said something about my love dates and im finding love on the 12th of may. [ the 12th of may was last friday when I was with Nick. ] and it was raining that night, almost every song i've heard since was about rain. i'm thinking all of this is a little wierd. maybe something good could come out of all this, someday. but I highly doubt it. when he said .. " i'm not going back out with her " i cryed. ..edit. take back every word you said, because I can barely breath. currently listening: penny & me. - hanson. Jesica sort of lied to her mother so I could go to price chopper because someone works there. okay, he works there. and I didnt see him inside, but today he had cart duty. seeing him made my heart smile a bit. and my eyes tear up a bit. he has a way of making me feel a lot of things at once. i've never felt that way. but I dont like him, i've convinced myself I dont like anyone. but maybe i'm convincing myself so much that I dont realize the fact of how much he means to me.. I cant like him, nothing good comes from it. .. oh, he kept looking at me. today he recognized me. I wonder what he was thinking, I wonder if he was thinking that he broke a girls heart. or that he was sober when he said he liked me. and that he wished he could wake up next to me. and how when he got home from work, he asked where I was. what about the kisses, big and small. they mean something. or at least they mean something to me. Oh my, i'm sounding like I like him. do I really? .. ..editagain. so here, I am i'm trying. currently listening: always - blink182. i've came to some decent conclusions while I went tanning, 15 minutes in a stand up makes you think. I came to the conclusion i'm not made for relationships / boyfriends. i'm made for all the other perks. [ flirting, kissing, touching, etc. ] i'm always going to be dubbed into the " friend zone " and that's where i'm destined to stay, until I get out of this town and find someone worth my time. and I think I like this kid, but not really. i'm trying not too I really am. Oh, and i've decided i'm attracted to assholes. it's not an observation, it's a fact. the worse a guy makes me feel, the more I want to be with them and be there for them and I put my whole life into someone that treats me horribly. it's just how it happens with me. I think I kind of like him for that reason but i'm going to wait, and try again with it and see what happens. I dont want to let this go, yet. this should be my last edit for tonight. unless something GOODgoodGOOD happens. which I doubt will. peace. ♥.

this is bothering me more than I thought it would. :[ I feel kind of crappy. I feel really crappy. I feel like shit. at least I can admit it. today, " im not going to go back out with her. " fhsifhkhidhgidgd. i just want to do stuff with him. i hate my life. I RUIN EVERYTHING.

hi, whatever. I was going to write this long entry about how I had a boyfriend, but you know what. I dont have a boyfriend. it makes no sense I know. but Nick was drunk, we made out. he asked me out. I knew what to expect because he was stumbling over his own feet. but I was oblivious when he kissed me. it was kind of like magic, without sparkles. he made me feel cool. I know, that's a lame word to use. but it's the word I felt, I didnt feel magical. I didnt feel special. I just felt cool. If I had a crush on him, I wouldve felt more magic. but he was just another boy, with a cute face and a meaningless kiss. I dont have a crush on anyone currently, but I feel better that way. I have no one to worry about but myself. I dont know if I feel good enough to have fwbz. I guess if I were to be fwbs with anyone it'd probably have to be Cj. I dont know why, but it'd have to be him. I cant fall in lust with him again, so it doesnt hurt much. but Kaycee likes him, a lot. and I dont know if I could do that. we're all getting wasted this weekend. and I guess we'll see what happens from there. i'd hate myself if I was all over Cj. but then again Kaycee would hate herself in the morning too. but we'd hate ourselves for different reasons. eh, maybe I should try it. because he knows I want to hook up with him & do him a favor and he knows he wants to hook up with me & do me a favor. either way we both win. i've done too much thinking. and now I have a headache. i'm tired and my eyes are heavy. and I owe a lot of work that wont get done. I think i'll sleep next period regardless of whether I get yelled at or not. I need sleep. and other things. ♥.

Hi, actually theres nothing wrong with me today. except for the fact[s] that, .. the 5 weeks ends today ; and my works not done. .. it's raining. hard I got soaked walking into school. I did my hair all nice, then it had to get wet. I think it's greasy now, but im not sure. it might not be. Oh, and my bookbag smells like wet dog. =) cute, huh? those are the only 3 things bothering me right now. I didnt see Nigel all day, well I did for like a second. but he didnt see me so it's all gravayyyy babayy. I have no clue why I said that. ha. .. and im not planning on going to gym class until I get over Nigel, my plan wont work I was just thinking about it. i'm not going to gym, just to sign in and then i'm leaving and going to finish a test. then i'm eating food. =) i love my life. Oh, im going to gym monday. tuesday at the latest. I plan out things like this. .. I should go to the bathroom, then get things done. but that probably wont happen. [ the school work part. ] ♥ when i'm the reflection in his sunbright eye knees go weak, lips quiver a split second before they meet i'll keep dreaming, not another word sweetheart nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday so i'll keep dreaming, we have to be someday this is our annual if you believed what you felt you would be in love.

Hi, actually theres nothing wrong with me today. except for the fact[s] that, .. the 5 weeks ends today ; and my works not done. .. it's raining. hard I got soaked walking into school. I did my hair all nice, then it had to get wet. I think it's greasy now, but im not sure. it might not be. Oh, and my bookbag smells like wet dog. =) cute, huh? those are the only 3 things bothering me right now. I didnt see Nigel all day, well I did for like a second. but he didnt see me so it's all gravayyyy babayy. I have no clue why I said that. ha. .. and im not planning on going to gym class until I get over Nigel, my plan wont work I was just thinking about it. i'm not going to gym, just to sign in and then i'm leaving and going to finish a test. then i'm eating food. =) i love my life. Oh, im going to gym monday. tuesday at the latest. I plan out things like this. .. I should go to the bathroom, then get things done. but that probably wont happen. [ the school work part. ] ♥ when i'm the reflection in his sunbright eye knees go weak, lips quiver a split second before they meet i'll keep dreaming, not another word sweetheart nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday so i'll keep dreaming, we have to be someday this is our annual if you believed what you felt you would be in love.

Hi. my favorite band was last night. and let me tell you, they are the epitome of amazing. ♥ it was a great way to end my showgoing career. even though it's not a real career. but you know how I roll. [ Oh, and if you're wondering. we -meaning me and Jesica- can't go to winners anymore until we turn 16 & get something from the department of motor vehicles. Jesica turns 16, 3 months before me. and I turn 16 in 5 months! ] ahh, I cant handle that. =( .. the first band was ill be romeo. they were OK. i've seen better opening acts. .. the second band was the blackout pact. I couldve sworn they were called suicide pact. oh well. i dont know. they were actually really good. the bass player dropped his pick, so I picked it up & I got that. =) sweet deal. .. the third band was lorene drive. [ these bands just get better. =) ] they were really good, the lead singer was singing and he was looking at me. -dies- he was a QT. yeah, i like them. .. the fourth band was the number twelve looks like you they were actually better than I thought they'd be. the lead singer was asian-ish. ♥ the other screamer wasnt there because he was graduating. i dont know. =) I got pushed a lot, and someone kept elbowing me in the back and screaming in my ear. [ Oh, I was up in the front the whole show too. ] and finally, the best band on earth .. Chiodos. amazing, thats all I can say. they do better each time I see them. this is my 3rd time seeing them perform, but the 4th time I was at their show. =) Craigery is amazing, Matt's crotch area is amazing, Derrick is amazing. Jason is amazing. OMG. !@#$%^&*. I ended up getting a TNTLLY shirt, and I was waiting around for Derrick to finish setting up and then I could get his autograph. I feel so cheesy when I do it, but it's my last time at winners for a while & it's something I wanted very much. then I got yelled at, and the guy told me to leave and I almost cried because I wanted to see Derrick. but then the guy told me to go out front, so I did and I was waiting and waiting. and then the lead singer of Lorene Drive came out and asked me who I was waiting for and I told him and he's like ' just go in there, it doesnt matter its your own world do what you want ' I thought that was mad chill. and I ended up talking to Derrick and I told him about the new rules and stuff and I told him that he should come back sometime in november because it'd make my life amazing. and he was like ' yeeeeeeeah! ', and he signed my ticket and I got a nice sweaty hug. ♥ it made my life. OK, that's all I have to say about the show. if you havent seen chiodos live, SEE THEM. they're amazing, and you wont be dissapointed. ♥ goodbye for now darlings. you put so much effort into it. does it feel good to hurt someone? trying to make you proud. you put so much effort into it does it make you feel good? a kiss wont make this better this is my last goodbye. HI, EDIT. I found these pictures. look. they're from January 27th. =) ♥.

Chiodos is tonight. i'm excited. ♥

i'm dead tired. I was dosing off in math class. Nick called me like 6 times last night. ♥♥♥ .. i'm excited now. even though I was too much of a pussy to answer the phone. I didnt know what too talk about and I didnt want there to be a lot of awkward silence so i didnt answer. Oh, and Nick was drunk. I just think it'd be too wierd, and I think i'm personally a boring person. Oh, and I should also mention the fact that he wants to hook up today but I cant / dont want too because 1 .. my mom wont let me. 2 .. I have other plans 3 .. I cant possibly messure up to his other girlfriends he's had. 4 .. i'm bleh. I dont want too. i'm such a pussy. .. =( so I waited from about 10:45 until midnight for him to stop calling me, he finally did. my mom was mad when she woke up this morning because the answering machine picked up. He didnt leave a message though. my cousin told me I shouldve talked to him, but it'd be wierd so I didnt. I think I went over that though. I want to get out of school, I dont feel good. I cant breathe through my nose and I keep sneezing. it's bad. I think I should go, i'm accomplishing something but not really. i'm just kind of sitting here making it look like im doing something when i'm really not. Oh, and I hate being in computer class and sitting in the middle of two people that actually do their work and are probably passing unlike me. because then they look at what i'm doing and wonder why i'm typing incredibly fast for an assignment that doesnt need that much speed and then I become a failure. .. well, they've got trains and planes and cars i'd walk to you if I had no other way our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because ; we know that none of them have felt this way _ _ _ _ _ , I can promise you that by the time that we get through the world will never ever be the same and you're to blame. ♥. ♥. ♥.

Hi. i'm never going to get anything done in computer class at the rate im going. and then im going to fail computers and my goal for the end of the school year will be ruined. how optimistic. .. I feel like crap today. I keep coughing and my throat kills. oh and im tired. today's going to be really slow. [changechangechange.] yesterday I decided I wanted to lose wieght so I could be happier about myself and that i'd look better tanning if I was thinner. so, me and jesica decided we want to lose wieght for real this time. we're going to walk home today, and as much as we can from now on. or at least I think so. and im walking with my mom. but it's not just about walking, it's also about eating right which my mom is cutting down on the snacks she gets me every weekend. which is good. I dont need that stuff anyways. the only reason I eat is because i'm bored. if im walking or at a friends house or I have a friend over or something I wont need to eat things that arent healthy for me because ill be doing something better with my time. I feel confident. &change; I was walking through the hallway and I seen Nigel. he stopped to smile at me. =) but I cant flip over little things like that anymore because it wont help me in the process of getting over him. he still makes me smile, and makes my heart do that little flippy thing, but we need to work on that. I was thinking this over, [ the whole deal with Mike and everything. ] and I came to the conclusion that im going to give myself sometime with Nigel, because other than him I dont really like anyone. but if mike asked me to date him and I knew he was serious, i'd probably say yes because I could at least give it a shot and I can say that I at least tried. and this could be a good opportunity to help me get over Nigel. dont take that the wrong way though, im not using him under any circumstances. I just need someone to care about and if they care about me then that's all the more better. ♥. Since I havent done anything all period. im going to do this. 1) When's your birthday? november 5th. 2) Where do you live? Broadalbin. 3) Have you visited all 50 states? nope 4) Have you ever traveled abroad? not really. 5) Do you like to travel? yes. 6) Describe a funny/crazy/freaky experience you had while traveling. probably when me and krissy tried walking to the locks with phil. it was crazy because we were all stoned and we walked waywayway out of the way. it was pretty fun. 7) What's your favorite animal? llama. 8) Do you have a pet? a cat & a dog. 9) Do you think hunting is wrong? I guess not. 10) Describe a funny/crazy/freaky experience you had with animals. a llama spit in my face once at the fair when I was little. 11) So what school do you go to? BPHS. 12) Are you smart? I can be. 13) What are your average grades? eh, B's. 14) What class are you? (Class of 2002, Class of 2001, etc.) 2008 15) Do you like your school? not really. 16) True or false: There are some things you just can't learn in school. true. 17) Describe a funny/crazy/freaky experience you had at school. i dont even know, my school is so lame. I usually just wander the halls and things. 18) How often do you brush your teeth? once a day. 19) What's your favorite flower? daisys. 20) How about your favorite book? the perks. 21) TV show? wondershowzen. 22) Sport? lax. 23) Homemade meal? chicken. =) 24) About how long are you on the Internet per day? a lot. 25) Do you get along with your family? for the most part, yes. 26) Would you do anything just to get out of your house for one day? of course. 27) Are there days when you'd rather be at school than at home? not usually. 28) Are your parents divorced? nope. 29) If so, for how long? .. 30) Is family life chaotic for you? sometimes. 31) Would you rather bungee-jump or fight with your parents? fight with my parents. lmfao. 32) Would you bungee-jump ever? yes 33) Are you a risk-taker? I guess. 34) Would you skydive? yes 35) Scuba dive? probably not. 36) Dive off the high dive? nope. 37) Dive into a pool of Jell-O? DUH! =) 38) Would you ever skinny dip? maybe. 39) Streak? lmfao, already have. 40) Go to a nudist beach? probably! 41) If you answered "no" to number 40, why not? ive always wanted to go to a nudist colony. 42) But I'm assuming that you would go to a "regular" beach, right? yes. 43) How often do you go to the beach? hardly ever. 44) Do you ever work out like crazy before you go to the beach in hope of getting a good body to show off at the beach? nope. 45) Describe a funny/crazy/freaky experience you've had while at the beach. ive never really been to the beach before. 46) Given the chance, would you live at the beach? yes, i'd become a beach bum. 47) Have you ever surfed? nope. 48) Have you ever body-surfed? yes. 49) Have you ever been at the beach in the middle of a rainstorm? nope. 50) Have you ever been stuck anywhere in the middle of a rainstorm? yes. 51) Suppose it's sprinkling outside. Would you typically use an umbrella or wear a hat? Or neither? neither, i walk in the rain all the time. 52) Studies show that your chances of being struck by lightning are tripled if you are holding an umbrella in the middle of a thunderstorm. Would you still use an umbrella anyway? probably not. 53) Do you know anyone who's been struck by lightning? nope. 54) Do you know anyone who has died? Were you close to this person? (or people)? yes & yes. 55) Did you cry? yes 56) Do you tell your loved ones "I love you" on a daily basis? yes. 57) Have you ever loved someone so much it's made you cry? yes. 58) Have you ever fallen in love with someone else? yes? 59) Have you experienced "true love"? not yet. 60) Do you believe in love at first sight? no, lust. 61) True or false: There's somebody out there for everybody. true. 62) Do you go through partners quickly? I always have crushes. 63) What do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend? playful, cute and fun. 64) Would you go out with someone who was drop-dead gorgeous but absolutely stupid? it depends. 65) Do you go out with people just for their looks alone? nope. 66) Do you undress people with your thoughts? lol, yes. =) 67) Have you ever performed oral sex? haha. 68) Have you ever had oral sex performed on you? haha. 69) Do you like this number? yes. =) 70) Do you like sex. lmfao. 71) Do you think oral sex is sex? nope. 72) What are your thoughts about teen pregnancy? i would hate to be a teen mother. 73) True or false: Premarital sex is wrong. false, in my opinion. 74) True or false: You should only have sex with someone when you're truly in love. eh, true to some extent. 75) Given the chance, would you be willing to have a one-night stand with someone? it depends on who it is. 76) Do you think you would get a thrill out of going to a club, having a one-night stand with someone, then wake up the next morning with a total hangover and not remember what you did last night, and to find that the person that was with you is nowhere to be seen, and you find $50 missing from your wallet? actually, that's not exactly that attractive. 77) Do you plan on saving sex until you're married? too late for that. 78) Are you planning on getting married? yes. 79) At what age? around 25, or so. 80) Do you want to have a big, spectacular wedding with everyone you know or a small, traditional, get-together-with-family-and-close-friends wedding? a big spectacular wedding, with family & close friends. 81) Do you plan on having kids? yes. 82) If you answered "yes" to number 81, how many are you planning to have? 2, at most. 83) Are you more interested in having a conformative, all-American, white-collared job, married, living in a suburban home, a dog, and 2.3 kids, or more interested in living a non-traditional, action-packed life? the second choice, the first one is too dull and boring. 84) What's your favorite smell? anything watermelon. 85) Movie? ten things i hate about you. 86) Actor and actress? johnny depp and i dont have a favorite actress. 87) Beverage? Mountain Dew 88) Music type? emo, screamo, indie, hardcore, reggaeton, rap. you know. 89) Musical artist? Mae & Chiodos. 90) Would you ever want to be on "Survivor"? naah. 91) How about "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"? nope. 92) "The Weakest Link"? nope. 93) Are you the weakest link? probably. 94) Are you a TV fan? yes, i love tv. 95) Are you an aspiring actor? nope. 96) Are you a sports fan? not really. 97) Are you an aspiring athlete? not at all. 98) Would you want to live in a big city? yes! =) 99) If you answered "yes" to number 98, which city(ies) would you like to live in? manhatten, or nyc. 100) Are you a perfectionist? nope. 101) It's the 101st question. Do you like the movie "101 Dalmations"? yes. 102) Does anyone you know remind you of Cruella de Vil? nope. 103) Are you afraid of failure? not really. 104) How about rejection? yes. 105) Michael Jordan didn't make one of his high school basketball teams. When Barbara Walters first started out in journalism, she was told that she would never make it in television. With these things in mind, are you still afraid of failure and rejection? either way im still afraid of rejection. 106) Do you like anybody at the moment? yes. 107) If so, who? hm, I cant say .. yet. 108) Are you straight, gay, or bi? straightt. 109) Do you go on dates often? i've never been on a date. 110) Do you like to go on double dates? I dont know. 111) Blind dates? I dont know. 112) Describe a funny/crazy/freaky experience you've had while on a date. I dont know. 113) If someone set you up on a blind date, and you were told you were perfect for each other. When you finally meet your date, he/she is not very attractive and smells bad. What would you do in such a situation? i'd tell them I have to pee and never come back. =) i'm such a nice person. 114) Are you typically the dumper or the dumpee? i wouldnt know. 115) How bad do you feel after you've broken up with someone (if you feel bad at all?) i wouldnt know. 116) True or false: There are plenty of fish in the sea. true. 117) Do you believe in fate, meaning that all of our lives are predetermined? yes. 118) Do you think when we die, that's it? nope. 119) Are you religious? nope. 120) Are you a "holy roller"? what's that? 121) True or false: 121 is a perfect square. I dont know. 122) Do you go to church? i've never been to church a day in my life. 123) If so, how often? never. 124) When was the last time you went to church? i've never been to church. 125) Do you think church is boring? I wouldnt know. 126) Do you belive in God? nope. 127) Heaven? yes. 128) Hell? yes. 129) Reincarnation? eh, kind of. 130) What about aliens? yes. 131) Do you think aliens really have abducted Earthlings? doubt it. 132) Do you play any sports? nope. 133) Do you work out? nope, but I should. 134) If so, how often? like, never. 135) Do you work out to maintain good health or try to maintain a good body, or both? i just dont work out. 136) How fast can you run a mile? i cant. 137) Do you drink a lot of bottled water? yes. 138) Can you taste the difference between different kinds of water? yes. 139) Do you play any musical instruments? nope. 140) How about singing? Do you sing? nope. 141) Do you write music? nope. 142) How about lyrics? nope. 143) What do you like to do when you're bored? eat, listen to music, take pictures, go online. werrrrd. 144) Do you daydream? yes. 145) Have you ever been embarrassed in a class because you were daydreaming? (i.e., the teacher calling your name and you don't respond) yes, always. 146) Do you ever get in trouble in school for your behavior? yes. 147) Do you get low marks because of your behavior? kind of. 148) Are you a class clown? not really. 149) Have you ever had detention? mhm. 150) Been sent to the principal's office? yes. 151) The last few questions are about people you know. Who's the most likely to become a highly-regarded lawyer? no one I know. 152) An army general? i dont know. 153) A professional singer? i dont know. 154) A movie star? me, im going to be a pornstar. 155) An award-winning author/poet? i dont know. 156) A teen mother? lmfao. i dont know. 157) And who will be the father? me & mike. lmfao, inside joke. =) 158) A stand-up comedian? i dont know. 159) A talk show host? i dont know. 160) A fugitive on the run from the law? hm, half of my friends. lmfao. 161) Describe yourself in three words. sarcastic, fun, black. 162) Did you like taking this survey? I guess. 163) Was it too long? not really. 164) Do you plan on sending this to anybody? nope. 165) Describe the person that sent this to you in three words. i dont know her. [ 4 words. ]

Hi. I made a long entry but it got deleted because a jerk had to IM me and make me click the wrong button. so, im going to re-write this entry. then call my cousin. i'll start from friday afternoon. I called my mom at the start of 5th period. and she told me my guinea pig died. I started crying. I was crying all of 5th period. RIP JayJay the Jetplane. The best guinea pig ever. ♥ I was helping one of my teachers to get my mind off of things and to keep me from crying. I wasnt planning on going to lunch because I lost my appatite. Rachel told me she talked to Nigel. .. I guess she said something like " you've been a real asshole lately, and you just dont care about anything " and I guess he said something like " is this about megan and her guinea pig? " and then Rachel said " pretty much yeah, but it's also the fact that she tells you things and you just dont care " and then he said " it's just a guinea pig, wow the stupid things going to die anyways. " and then Rachel told me she said " you know she really likes you " and then he said .. nothing. i'm going by what Rachel told me. because I wasnt there. I dont know if I can believe her or not. I have serious trust issues when it comes to things like this. I dropped everything I was doing when she told me that and I started to cry. I cant give up on this that easy. I like him a lot. and he means the world to me. everyone knows that, but probably him. Lauren told me he was only doing this to me because I wasnt black. she boosted my confidence times 10. :'[ friday afternoon was the worst and I wanted to die. I had such a headache come 6th period, I went to the nurses office and took a nap. then went back to bio when there was about 5 minutes left in the period. I couldnt stand listening to my teacher talk for much longer. 7th and 8th period went fine though. I came home, showered, got my stuff together and waited for my mom. I went tanning then I went to tacobell. I went down to my cousins. f r i d a y n i g h t . we were hanging out around her house for a while then we went out to get cigarettes. it's a bad habit, I know. and I should break it. but I dont want too. i'm a nervous smoker, I cant help it .. it's what I do. I got weed too, another bad habit that feels so good. we made the mistake of bringing Black Mike back to the house, then we got locked out. we were supposed to meet him back at allen's house but he never showed. he's a cheap ripped-off person. we ended up hanging out with tina and antonio. mike came eventually. ♥. we had a little talk about how he used me. [ well, that's what I thought because after that " time " he didnt talk to me at all and he wouldnt even look at me. he'd go in the other direction when I came. it was a mess. ] he told me he loved me. cute. me and mike ended up hanging out. then we were in the kitchen & bathroom making out. then we ended up hooking up before the night was over. I didnt want too, but after we kissed I brought it upon myself. and it just happened like that. ♥. we went back inside grinning like retards. everyone knew what happened. Grandma [ or so everyone calls her ] put me and mike on the spot and asked if we were dating. neither of us knew what to say so we shrugged it off. then she asked a better question that I was curious of myself. she asked mike if he loved me. he stopped her and what seemed like everything that was going on and said, love is a big word. he's right. today love has a million and one meanings. no one uses it correctly anymore anyway. it seems like lately love doesnt even matter. but then he surprised me, he said that there was a girl and he thought she is the one but he's not sure. and he looked at me and smiled. what if it's me? aw. cute. i'd get so much shit if I dated him though. one of his bestfriends hates my guts pretty much. and no one really likes him that much. I cant handle that, I break under pressure. the last time we hooked up he thought he was going to be a daddy. I told him that time of the month came and he was extatic. it was cute. I wouldnt be able to handle being a 15 year old mother anyways. i'd die. that's about it for friday night. OH yeah. I seen Cj earlier in the day. I didnt jump at the opportunity to hook up with him so he brushed me off. how incredibly cool is he, not. s a t u r d a y . ♥ the show was that night. NSC & DIA. both amazing performances. nothing worth writing about happened, besides the fact that I walked from group to group to group chain smoking like a fiend. the only real thing worth writing about was that I talked to Chris Evans. ♥ that boy is amazing. [ everytime I see him I have a little thing for him. ] If he ever wanted to date me i'd say yes. he's nice, despite one of his bestfriends [ which is also mikes bestfriend ] hates me. but people are weird when it comes to things like that and they act different. if you like someone enough it shouldnt matter what their friends think. Then thing I liked most about talking to Chris was that he made an effort to keep a dull conversation going. I like that. he even said " bye " to me when he was leaving. you know he didnt have too. ♥. it made my heart flip. Oh. how could I forget? after the show we went to Charlee's with Josh. and Josh was making a big deal about how everything I do makes him mad. and he's always mad at me. and he asked me, why it mattered what he did because I didnt like him. I didnt know how to react to that. because I kind of used to have a little thing for him, but it faded fast. like all the other little things I have for people. If you were put on the spot like that how would you react? it's not that easy to answer a question like that without 1 - hurting someone else or 2 - making yourself look like a jackass. I dont know how I feel about anyone anymore. i've been hurt so much, I just dont know. [changechangechange.] today is sunday. I decided I want to lose wieght. I want to look good and feel good. and Nigel is showing me fake sympathy. that's exactly what makes me hate him. but when I say I hate him, I dont really hate him. I just get frusterated with him a lot. there's no way on earth I could hate him. at least this entry didnt get deleted. it wasnt exactly like the first one, but good enough. goodbye. ♥.

Dear Tragedy, I've never had anybody. Being alone isnt half as bad, as being obsessed with ; a breath taker, smile faker. ♥. Hi, I like Nigel a lot. and today is 7 months. shitty. me and my mom are fighting. because of last night. [ I was with Cj last night. shit, I was 2 hours late. ] i'm grounded. I lost all freedom. Maybe tonight, I can get my mom to bring me to Malta or Fonda or wherever. I can hang out with Cj. ;] Because I cant do anything this weekend. No show, no city. no nothing. I didnt think i'd be punished this severely. but I guess it's what I deserve. my mom told me her first thought was that I shot off my mouth and I got knifed by a puertorican or black man. But I know she's lying. that wasnt her first thought. her first thought was that I was having sex with someone she didnt know. like she has to know who I hang out with. I feel really crappy. Im about to leave for my house, no one is home. it wouldnt make a difference. then I can hide in my bed until the sun goes down, then repeat my actions until the sun comes up. I have nothing better to do with my time for a while. I didnt feel like getting out of bed this morning. like my bed had arms that wouldnt release me. I laid in bed until 6:40 about. put my hair up, put clothes on. then waited for my mom. God forbid, I betray her again. maybe she'll notice how crappy I really feel and she'll lighten up a bit. but I doubt that will happen, because lightening up for my mother isnt likely. Anyways, on a slightly happier note. Nigel seen me in the hallway and I looked down. and he bumped my arm. I know he did it on purpose, that's the first time he did anything on purpose in a really long time. I dont want Rachel to talk to him anymore. maybe I should just give him|us time to sort out our feelings. or our feelings for eachother, if they even exsist anymore. Oh. and people are waiting, yes waiting for us too hook up. i'm waiting. I think everyone realizes we should be together but him. but then again, im not going to secondguess his better judgement. if you can even call it that. I think im going to go. maybe I can get something done for computers. but I really doubt it. I dont have the initiative to do anything. I cant even smile.