I spent Friday niht in a police cell. It's my first time being arrested, but i figure it had to happen eventually. Drunk and disorderly was the charge. I remember virtually nothing. I kinda came to in the cell, dressed only in my boxers. The cell was just slightly larger than my bedroom here, and contained only a bed (inch thin mattress & blanket) and a toilet with rounded edges. There was a large metal door with two holes in for communication - one vertical, one horizontal- a button to push to ask for communication (and one below it to cancel the request), and a grid of glass squares like the ones they have in toilets, that let in light but don't show what's on either side. A camera watched me through the night, beside an air vent far too high to reach. The only distinguishing feature was the number 17 painted on the wall, above the floor-level bed. The light was left on for the entire duration, suddenly becoming brighter for no apparent reason at one point. I asked if it was close to me being let go, but it was still around 5 in the morning. For a while i worked out, still slightly drunk. I got bored and my body ached too much to carry on, so i tried to sleep, failed, and paced my room til my legs were sore. After around 4 hours of containment i tried to sleep. I guess the light was too bright, as it was impossible to do so. God i was so fucking bored. At one point i asked for something to read, but was told they had nothing at the station to offer. Perhaps they simply didn't want to entertain a criminal's demands. So what happened?? I remember, vaguely, being mobbed and handcuffed, terrified for my life. Have you seen the film Hostel? I was being subdued by large men i'd never seen before, too drunk to know they were police officers, aware of their intention to stuff me in a van and take me away. I though i was being abducted for the purposes of a murder factory. I'm not kidding, i was shit scared, i thought i was gonna be killed. The police had to call for backup after i resited arrest: as far as i was concerned, i was fighting for my life. I went out in drag, supposed to be a cockney whore. This meant i had no pockets, so i'd stuffed my personal affects down my tights. Elf told me (i don't remember if she knew, or if she was guessing) that i'd been seen stumbling along with my hands down my tights, so the cops were called to sort me out. Aside from remembering being more scared than i've ever been in my life, i remember slipping out of the handcuffs and trying to figure out how to escape. My hands are all fucked up from this, parts are cut and parts are still numb and inflated. My entire body is covered in scrapes, from my feet to my neck, and i've got a massive black eye. 2BC

She was always perfection to me. An amazing exception. Alice. I'm difficult to be in a relationship with: i get bored, i'm moody, unpredictable, selfish and at times incredibly cold. But the bad traits are a side of me exposed when i'm unhappy. The opposite is true when i'm content, which is a rare thing with girlfriends. I've just finished with this one girl, for instance. I don't think this is such a good example, since she wasn't particularly pleasant, but i guess that's probably a view i would take considering everything. Anyway, she wasfun at first, but then i found her to be boring, she was critical, slobbish, OH SO VERY BORING, hypocritical, spoilt, ignorant, god i could go on. The topper was probably the fact that, unlike many other people who share these traits, she was not oblivious to them and the damage she could cause. She simply didn't care. I grew to like her less and less. We were fucking at first, then i found myself unable to be aroused by her. She was fit, yeah, but her methods of seduction were based entirely on her looks, and not on using her mind. Does this seem shallow? It sounds backwards, writing it up now. I grew bored of her because i found her unpleasant in the worst ways, this effected my percepton of her physically, until i found her no longer attractive. Please forgive the extensive rant on this girl, it's the first time i've considered how i feel about this. I've got so many feelings speeding around inside me it's difficult to tell what i feel about something until i write about it. I grew disgusted and seperated myself. First, we stopped sleeping together. For a relationship based almost entirely on sex, this was a bad sign. Next i found myself irritated by her frequent presence, and embarrassed by her, say, turning up while i was hanging out with other friends (probably because i knew what they thought of her). Eventually i stopped smiling when we chatted, although this may be because her conversations skills were stale at best. Jeez, i'm really bitter, huh? Eye contact diminished, tone of voice grew irritated. I really don't know why she kept coming back. We weren't a 'thing', there's no history between us. Ok, we were amazing at the start, but there were definate problems. My closest friend, April, knew something was fucked up here, so did my mum, and Alice. Why did i carry it on? I guess i just wanted it to work, wanted something to work. But i knew my reputation was being slowly demolished by someone who didn't care about theirs. So i grew tired, cranky, intolerant. Just like i did with any other girl i eventually got bored with. *Returning to continue: I realised on a bus why i'm so easy to get hooked on. Considering how i act in relationships, and leading up to them, it's pretty clear. If i like something, if i'm into it, i get SO excited and focus a substantial amount of energy on it. I have a LOT of energy in this sense compared to a normal person, so it would seem that not only am i very keen on the person (in most cases) of my exaggerated interest, but i pour into them more time and effort than is possible by others. Hence what they get with me is more than they've ever got before. If i get bored, this all stops. It seems natural to panic and cling on when this happens, which suffocates or bugs me, so eventually i am filed with resentment. I also realised on this bus how i knew this thing with Rose was gonna fail. She was a selfish and lazy lover. She would stroke me by batting her hand across my skin with no consideration for amount of pressure applied, location of hands/body or response, and would stop after less than 3 minutes. She relied on me to teach her everything. A selfish, lazy lover is a selfish, lazy person. And i don't like these traits in people, they irritate me until i'm filled with disgust. Rose disgusted me. Alice never did. to be continued (again...)

I'm hoping that i can turn something here into a poem or short story. But i never seem to write directly about how i feel, perhaps because i don't really know how i feel. W/e, it makes it dificult to remember what was going through my head when i wrote these scrambled notes. Morbidly curious in a chorus of orchids Painted and furious with pure energy Transparently soulless but trying to force it Rolling in pain as the drug waits for me Happily tied up with scores of scabbed scars Like sugar hearts and toy cars We all fall down and melt apart And boil back up to nothing undone A newspaper ad for reruns of reruns The most painful tragedy is the inevitability Of despair and internal loss of dignity Who cares for the one who bleeds alone In the corner of their own hostility? * With no haste i cover up every light in the house With blankets of space And of dust, and of holes And kiss every one As i paint over their love And i refuse to cry As their warmth turns to cold I can never turn back to see what i've cause I'll walk out the back door when my denial is done Death is just temporary, 'til the memory's gone But the house will stay empty Until i return * What follows in the transcribed notebook is an analysis of the demise of one of my old relationships, to a girl named Alison. I was too much for her, and her expectations of what i should be were too great for me. The notebok gives an analysis of different emotions present in the relationship and after. I remember feeling like my heart was collapsing for a while after we split apart. I was so fucking lonely it was killing me. I found Lily soon after that. The notebook continues. Reading it, i was suprised by a brief, 8 page analysis of my different personalities as i've gron up, including discussion of 'another', 'boy' and 'talkingc(l)ock'. God, i just read parts of boy. It doesn't feel like me at all, which i guess is what the notebook was saying. I don't feel like the people i used to be. And there are so, so many of them. A few listed include Brother Nicholas (who has always been there but gets mixed up into other Nicks sometimes), America Nick V.1 and V.2, the journal personalities and their various forms, stoner Nick, drunk Nick, pill-head Nick, Mongy, Jen2/Alison/Miranda/insertgirlsname Nick... there's so many of me. Even boy was aware: "Can anyone really say they don't want to be wanted? And older version would explain why. A more recent version would leave it there. The earliest versions would be sleeping. Some versions would be fucking. I wonder what the specifications of the current version are?" Don't know the date on that, every post older than August 13th 2008 was changed to that day. Oh wow i just found loadsa poems on talkingclock! That one used to be a graphic journal, glad i changed it. I don't know where these ones came from... Back on topic, and I'll start afresh for my original intention.

Ever feel as though your life plays out like a movie? As though you're not living your own life, this is something else. Doesn't feel real. I wish i could simply stop thinking about everything. It doesn't make sense. But on meds, it all works out well. I just don't feel. So it wouldn't matter matter how it goes, being sustained. Drugs. Alcohol and marijuana. What better way to forget. I guess i should be glad nothing else is available here. Can't focus on anything for too long. Doing a good job though.

I don't know why hangovers last all day for me. Perhaps it's because, since i don't eat, there's nothing in my system to replace the alcohol. I don't know human biology well so can't be certain. But it sucks whatever the reason. I don't think it's usual to be thinking about suicide to such an extent as i am. I'm worried about myself, and what i could do while intoxicated. Off my meds so very volatile. So i guess i'm bored. Yeah, sorry. What's irritating though is the complete and total obliviousness i am faced with. Too messed up to be properly coherant. 'Found an old journal. It's well written and captures accurately my mental state at the time. I can hardly believe i was so cold. Found an ex's on the same site, i don't recognise her picture at all. http://bollockstothis.xanga.com I'm a very private person inside, but also very social. There's a great level of duality within my personality. Manic depressive FTW!

I like big butts and i cannot lie. I could also go for those semi-sized ones that you can wrap hands around. Curvey hips are mandatory, shaped thighs, generally prefer small feet and hands, gotta be shorter too. Soft, kissable lips that fold into yours. Passionate in kissing, not overly forward, but happy to go for a while and experienced enough to make it special. Gotta be forward in sexual pursuits though, coyness is good but overly shy girls aren't gonna get my attention (not anymore!). I can't say i'm overly keen on the accents up here, i much prefer southern British. Love the cuteness of American, adore French, unconcerned beyond that. Oh Australian can be nice too, but also often annoying! Personality isn't gonna be considered here. It plays perhaps a far larger part than physical attributes, but it'll have it's time another day. I can't keep focused on this aspect of personal admittance. I like power play, not particularly interested in submitting myself however. Thoroughly enjoy control and dominance though. Bondage, toys, anal, oral, but not into particularly messy practices (although who care when you're horny?). Dislike condoms, it puts a mental as well as a physical barrier in the way for me. Like white girls,, would go for asian, maybe indian, rarely african. do enjoy food play, soft stroking and slapping, spanking, whipping, asphyxiation. like feet, breasts, butts, necks, hips, lips (in no particular order). Love the sensitivity of arms and legs. Sensual; enjoy good smells but love to get hot and sweaty, love a romantic environment despite potential roughness, like gagging, attracted to big girls, amputees, wheelchair-bound chicks, geeky girls, but don't go for "hotties". Love wierd girls, although not neurotic (beyond my own levels of neurosis). Can't stand bossiness, manipulation, i pull away from clinginess and like medium-long, curly dark red hair most of all. I guess i am talking about personality here. Can't be trusted to stay on topic. A girl who gives as much as she expects (why would anyone bother trying to fulfill someone to their desired extent if they were't recieving their due kindness in return?) Like generous girls, can't stand the tight ones. like blondfolds and inflicted humiliation, dirty talk, a certain amount of effort to be visually appealing beyond reliance on natural gifts. always happy wi wax play. would try water sports, like a bit of safe blood play and role play, love music in the background. like noise. like lovebites, very ticklish though and few have managed to give me one without me squirming. This seems pretty standard for a list of desires. Like dressup, would go for cosplay, doubt i'd try ab, like voyeour (would love girl-on-girl), could go for latex, not yet tried group sex, couldn't sleep with a friend's partner though and if there's a guy/guys involved, they gotta be bi and know what they're doing with me, since girls are my usual field. ~Love~ goth for girls, like most alternative dress, don't generally go for popular fashion dressers. like hentai, forms of pornography not involving feces or excessive bodily hair. perfect porn involves very rough sex, dp, bdsm and kissing. love that slow, gentle shit, like when you're both baked and floating on top of each other. can't stress how much i like forced/submission. yet to try enemas, also anal beads and butt plugs but would give and recieve both, like drugs with sex in healthy doses, prefer mostly shaved, would do cross-dressing. like outdoor, in-taboo-places sex. tired now need sleep.

[If you know me: don't take offense to an objective view, im sure you'll recieve a personal consideration at some point. Please don't talk out of private to me about parts of this/these, that may cause hurt others. And please don't tell anyone this exists.] Perhaps because i was delivered experience and knowledge from an earlier age, i was far more likely to explore the nature of sex and desire, arousal and satisfaction. A girl i thought was pretty open-minded when it comes to sex (Rose) revealed that she thought i was somewhat kinkier than her. The given theory of the fervent exploration of lust accounts to this, since she has some 4 (5?) years of experience less then me, but experience does not necessarily relate to knowledge, and want. A large majority of what i know i enjoy is from educating myself in, or becoming witness to, various practicies of perversion. I don't know how far her knowledge base stretches. And i've been with girls who, with little-to-no prior knowledge of the possibilities of sexual adventure, have swiftly and readily embarked in more outrageous behaviour than they'd ever considered. That is, if they are to be believed. It's difficult to tell if not a single one had never previously fantasised about the supreme delights of sexual extremity. But i think all considerations up to this point are redundant and must, unfortunately, be discounted. Furthermore, i can't base anything solid on merely my personal life experience. So it's pointless to, say, look for clues in my development since everyone's development is so diverse, yet we get overlapping fetishes and needs, from a massive population. im pretty baked lol. So what can be said about the construction of poeple's desires? There are likely multiple reasons for feeling what we feel, and it's difficult (impossible?) to tell what a person will enjoy most in terms of sexual gratification, from their earlier behaviour and influences. ... Bugger. Got distracted and lost my train of thought. This was gonna be a list of things i personally enjoy, but i couldn't help wondering why i like what i do. Maybe that's the next entry. Im so tired i have no idea what i just wrote. 5 in the morning begs the question: go to sleep now and not wake up for 10 hours? or sit it out, get some good sleep from a reasonable time tomorrow? i wanted to do some revision, don't think that's likely now. Uhm. there's so much i wanted to say, i can't decide where to start from. Let's talk about April. [deleted] Im getting bored and have no idea what my point was. Oh yea, it was well awkward and i feel bad, but also feel powerless.

There never used to be ads when i blogged on here. They really take away the aesthetic value of a main page. for all my energy i have no words. hmm.