I'm hoping that i can turn something here into a poem or short story. But i never seem to write directly about how i feel, perhaps because i don't really know how i feel. W/e, it makes it dificult to remember what was going through my head when i wrote these scrambled notes. Morbidly curious in a chorus of orchids Painted and furious with pure energy Transparently soulless but trying to force it Rolling in pain as the drug waits for me Happily tied up with scores of scabbed scars Like sugar hearts and toy cars We all fall down and melt apart And boil back up to nothing undone A newspaper ad for reruns of reruns The most painful tragedy is the inevitability Of despair and internal loss of dignity Who cares for the one who bleeds alone In the corner of their own hostility? * With no haste i cover up every light in the house With blankets of space And of dust, and of holes And kiss every one As i paint over their love And i refuse to cry As their warmth turns to cold I can never turn back to see what i've cause I'll walk out the back door when my denial is done Death is just temporary, 'til the memory's gone But the house will stay empty Until i return * What follows in the transcribed notebook is an analysis of the demise of one of my old relationships, to a girl named Alison. I was too much for her, and her expectations of what i should be were too great for me. The notebok gives an analysis of different emotions present in the relationship and after. I remember feeling like my heart was collapsing for a while after we split apart. I was so fucking lonely it was killing me. I found Lily soon after that. The notebook continues. Reading it, i was suprised by a brief, 8 page analysis of my different personalities as i've gron up, including discussion of 'another', 'boy' and 'talkingc(l)ock'. God, i just read parts of boy. It doesn't feel like me at all, which i guess is what the notebook was saying. I don't feel like the people i used to be. And there are so, so many of them. A few listed include Brother Nicholas (who has always been there but gets mixed up into other Nicks sometimes), America Nick V.1 and V.2, the journal personalities and their various forms, stoner Nick, drunk Nick, pill-head Nick, Mongy, Jen2/Alison/Miranda/insertgirlsname Nick... there's so many of me. Even boy was aware: "Can anyone really say they don't want to be wanted? And older version would explain why. A more recent version would leave it there. The earliest versions would be sleeping. Some versions would be fucking. I wonder what the specifications of the current version are?" Don't know the date on that, every post older than August 13th 2008 was changed to that day. Oh wow i just found loadsa poems on talkingclock! That one used to be a graphic journal, glad i changed it. I don't know where these ones came from... Back on topic, and I'll start afresh for my original intention.