Hmm. Time to update perhaps? What to write, what to write. It's funny, I always wanted to have a journal that no one I know personally would know about, so I could write absolutely whatever I wanted and no one could say anything to me about it. Now I have one of those- you guys out there are the only ones who know it even exists. And now that I have it, I'm not sure what to write. Do I have anything at all of importance to really say? Maybe this proves that I don't. Or maybe it shows that I have a lot I need to say, but when it comes down to it, I really don't know how. The pressure's off- why can't I just write? I love to do that: freewrite. Ever since I've been old enough to form letters, I've been writing things. Stories, poems, songs, observations (like Harriet the Spy), anything and everything. If I don't write something somewhere for a certain amount of time, I start to feel out of it and almost sick, even. I'm utterly obsessed. But in a terribly fantastic way. So why can't I write now? Stupid writer's block. Well, maybe it isn't writer's block, or any of that. Maybe it's that I know exactly what I need to say, I'm just afraid to truly say it. I think I'm falling in love. And all I want to do is run away from it. I'm absolutely petrified of relationships, because of really bad past experiences, which are still haunting me, and in a way, even live on in the other person's mind. But there'll be more on that later. I think lately I've realized something even more haunting. As scared as I am of really opening up to someone, of trusting someone, of giving myself over to another person completely out of love for a relationship.. I think I am even more afraid of not being with this one.